After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
But you are clearly unhappy with this situation and want to change it. And she does not, and you seem unwilling to up the ante by forcing the issue. You hint around, you ask for a relative to talk to her, you are willing not to participate in YOUR dad's care, all to keep the peace. So in my eyes, this is not a functional marriage.
I would not attempt to repair this situation on my own, unless you are ready for a split right now, i.e., you go to your dad's to care for him while she remains in your marital home to care for her dad. If you are interested in repairing this breach, seek marriage therapy. If not, retain a lawyer and find out what your legal and financial obligation is to your wife.
Your wife may have unrealistic expectations of you joining her in the caregiving responsibilities. It may be unspoken. But there is some resentment?
Maybe, if she won't talk about it, you can apologize for not being helpful enough , but that is her job and you're not going to help lose your wife by supporting this behavior from her. There is another reason you need a third party.
You mentioned her cousin? I might have missed something, but this pain has gone on long enough.
Then, there are some wives/husbands who have bigger problems you cannot fix.
I hope not, but if she does or already has made a conscious decision that daddy is more important, then she's broken her marriage vows and it would be time for the fist line of a song that I'm writing, "I Can't Be Married to You & Dad" If I can't have you only, I'd rather be alone like I already am." If it goes that way, which I hope it does not, then take your energy and put it into writing a book "When She's Married to Dad: A Story of the Dad Enmeshed Daughter" It would compliment the book that is already on the market, "When He's Married to Mom: Mom Enmeshed Men".
I hope this is not true, but it sounds like this may well be going on. If so, she likely has blinders on and ear plugs in her ears to keep from seeing or hearing reality any different that her very narrow perception.
I'd try, but she might not go to therapy which you can't force her as adult to do, but you can tell her is something you are doing as a consequence of her behavior.
On a more cynical level, none of the above may be true. Is dad bringing money into the household that she's afraid of living without? Is he providing a big amount of money that makes the household budget a whole lot easier to live within or gives her more money to spend? If so, that's still being unfaithful.
I hope and pray that I'm entirely wrong. I pray more that at least you will get yourself into therapy regardless of what wifey does or does not do. You didn't make her the way she is now (and may have been all along.) You can't control her. You can't fix her. The only one you can control and fix is yourself.
After a time of complaining, perhaps you wouldn't feel guilty about moving on to another relationship, because, after all, who could blame you? After all this time?
Seek therapy.
This is called tough love, necessary because she is hurting you.
Past time for therapy for this crisis! Get at least yourself into therapy now!
Make that call in the morning from work!
I'm wondering if she'd be any more likely to think clearly if faced with some very drastic choices, such as he goes or you go, not that I would suggest threatening but this clearly has gone on a long time without any resolution.
So my plan is to give it a few weeks, and then bring up the AL topic, but with more conviction. I almost feel like she is waiting for something to happen; medical or accidental--before she will react. Am I to gain anything by being more demanding that we make plans for the future? I do not want to aggrivate the situation, but when one IS aggrivated what can one DO?
The good thing is that your FIL will probably have more distractions and more of a social life. The other reason to get him to AL NOW is that he'll adjust more easily the more cognitive skills he has. Trying to transition someone with more advanced dementia into an AL often causes a steep and sudden decline.
I'm sorry that you are still facing this issue. It may be that FIL doesn't leave, that your wife can't face it, or that he tries it and hates it and your wife can't/won't wait out the adjustment period. I think you need both plan A and plan B in this case. If he ends up staying, you need to figure out the resources that you will use to hire in home respite so that your marriage doesn't suffer. That way you'll have something to look forward to each week.
You might want to frame this as a financial question; how are we going to be able to retire if we're not building up funds for OUR old age.
Since wife brought up " scared as an emotion" have you asked her exactly what her fears are about?
Is she afraid of facing life once her dad dies? Is she displacing this fear to the assisted living to avoid that fear she she's really got about a fear of eventually loosing dad?
An interesting emotion, this fear is, although FIL sounds like he's open to go for more variety and activity that assisted living provides. The same person every day all day with nothing else to do does get boring after some time. She's not going to be able to fix or resolve her fears by being controlling and isolating towards others while over protecting and hovering over her dad. That's really not treating him with much respect nor as a fellow adult. Since he has expressed interest in going to an assisted living for all the right reasons, then his desire should be respected and it will meet more of his needs to live life as much as he can now although him going there might not meet her needs. In my opinion keeping an older adult overprotected does no more good than keeping a child over protected but for different reasons. Who knows, but he may be more like my dad who has prepared for, face the reality of and gone into his phase in life very realistically almost to a fault. I think at some point FIL will need to be brought into this discussion and have his feelings validated and his request honored. Sorry folks, but more and more FIL is sounding like a kept man being over protected like a child. That's insulting to me anyhow.
I've had wonderful, mentoring relationships with some of my bosses, especially when I was young. I would have been appalled if other employees were overhearing me talk about my private concerns and reporting what I said to others.
understand it is some opportunuty for more activity than he has now. So i will now continue to investigate 3-4 places I like, and we will bring him up to one for a tour in the next few weeks. All this progress from my question to her "Are you scared and how can I help?" Again thanks to all these great post and suggestions I have taken in and used in my home. Will update soon.......
Honestly, I think your wife was justified if she was annoyed, and especially at your mother for sharing what should have been a privileged discussion with you.
I'm glad there is some progress. However, if I were your wife, your mother would not be on my list of favorite people and I would be tempted to tell her to mind her own business. And perhaps that's why your wife had been resistant to your efforts for some time. She might consider your mother a meddler and direct her resentment toward you.