My FIL lives with my wife and I; how do I become a priority to her again with my FIL being her main focus?

You are sure having a hard time telling her anything much about how you see the situation, or how you feel about it. Maybe you could write us a more detailed statement about how you feel about the situation, about what you want from your own perspective for you and your wife. It seems as if it has become very hard for you to say anything to her about this problem, perhaps reduced to peripheral hints. It might be good to get out of this rather passive mode you are operating in. Is this fear that you will make her angry if you speak of these things, and she will reject you? So this week she got you to take him out for 3hrs to give her a break? I guess if this is how you want life to be then you will end up having the life you chose. I just keep hearing the 'nobody cared but the cat' observation from your earlier note. That's pretty sad stuff, because marriage can be much richer than that but sometimes you have to do some work and face some issues that are not necessarily easy.

You may not like my answer. Some children feel a responsibility to their parents. I have been married for 40 years and when my husband's parents needed help I moved them in with us and took care of them- fortunately not both at the same time. Now my mother is with me and it's very hard and it's been going on for two years with no end in sight. You are in a pickle because if you force her to move father in law to assisted living facility she will resent you. Marriage over. FIL stays, you're out. So what is the only solution? You need to do what you feel you need to do. It's unfair - another human to do what you want them to do even when it is your spouse. If you love her suck it up and let her deal with her emotions and be supportive. If this situation is making you resentful then I would consider leaving. You cannot make another person do anything against their will without there being dire consequences. Either way it goes the way it is going to depend on you.

Beretta, agree with GA here. Is there something else you're not telling us? Just wondering. I think unless you have a heart to heart with her and start backing off the chores some at least, this will continue to be a problem. Maybe give it a break and let her chill out. And maybe let the cousin bring it up with her and talk to her when you are not there. But it needs to be at a point where she's cooled down some. You need some support so even if she doesn't go consider a support group, caregiver or otherwise, men's group, outing or something to break the tension. I don't think there's much more the folks here can say unless there's something else we don't know or understand to bring an added perspective to this. You say you can wait it out a year, but I don't think this can wait any longer. The pressure valve will burst eventually if not solved.

Please read that Dagan post/thread GA included in her earlier post. Please, please, please.

I want to thank you for this post, as I do see where i have been too quick and negative to dismiss the really helpful advise I have received. My negativity is due to frustration, and not to be directed at this site--as it HAS been helpful for my thoughts. I will take your advise and review Dagan's post.

Beretta, you've had a lot of good suggestions, including working with the cousin who is in favor of AL, as well as getting therapy. Your response has generally foreclosed the latter, so apparently in your view that's not an option.

Yet no reason has been provided other that as stated in your immediately previous post.

Let's recap, as well:

In one of your earlier responses on this thread, you wrote:

" Actually she does work, and 3 times a week my FIL is alone during the day"

Just a few hours ago you wrote:

"she will not leave FIL for a date, let alone therapy!"

What am I missing here? She'll leave him to go to work, so that means he's ALONE, right? But in your opinion she wouldn't leave him for therapy. If you don't want to try therapy, just say so. Don't put the blame on your wife's fidelity to her father.

So how does she manage to go to work 3 days a week? Or has she now quit working out of the home entirely, meaning that you're now the sole breadwinner?

You also wrote:

"I will ride this out for a while longer, probably up to the 1yr moving in date, and become more vocal then."

Well, you've made your assessment. No one change your mind, and frankly I think it's inconsiderate to abruptly dismiss the comments of those who've spent time trying to help you.

I wonder how much more creative advice can be given to help you with this dilemma?

And I also wonder why you as the main breadwinner are allowing this situation to be entirely controlled by your wife. You're supposed to be a team but now you're just the bat boy (no disparagement meant for bat boys, but they're not the managers or leaders), and she's taken over the whole team strategy, tactics and implementation.

Did you read Dagan's post? If not, please do. You may reach that point although I suspect that in your situation, it's just going to become more and more dominated by your wife.

Now I am noticing my wife getting a bit snippy, as in short tempered with me. She has been complaining she never gets a break from my FIL. I offered up date night dinner, but got tuened down, does not want to leave him alone. So I gave her a break-took him out for Sunday morning for 3 hrs. I said once he goes to AL, putting back into conversation, but she does not want to talk about it--He is still not ready in her eyes. Any ideas? I am just getting further down the frustrated road. And I do not see therapy for Wife and I as an option, as she will not leave FIL for a date, let alone therapy!

Sometimes a lot of good can come from even a couple of sessions of counseling if a person wants to figure out a way to address a problem. I don't see 'going to a counselor' as an admission of a failure. I see it as a way to get unstuck in a productive manner. I see it as evidence of a comittment to finding a solution rather than avoiding one. Maybe the solution would even be that nothing should change about FIL situation, but you would have the chance to for it to be something other than a 'victim of the circumstance' decision. What will the one year plan look like for the two of you as a couple?

I agree for by deciding to walk on eggshells around this, you are actually enabling the behavior that upsets you.

However, many of us if not most have to reach the point where the pain of the problem becomes greater than the pain and sometimes shame of reaching out for help.It is not always a good thing to wait until that point because then it often becomes a hail Mary attempt to save something

The longer this goes on the more distant she is going to become and more deeply involved emotionally with her dad. Plus your own bitterness will increase and you'll become someone you want even recognize anymore. Then the bitterness will turn into despair and that into depression all the while your work habits will get flushed down the drain and endanger your work.

Just how bad is the FIL's alzheimer's / dementia? Is your wife realistically informed about how this disease breaks a person down and demands an incredible amount of care 24/7 which no one human being can do.

Your wife obviously sees this as her unilateral decision which says your input does not matter. That's more than enmeshment, that's control. Have ya'll been a team in your marriage or has one person basically been in control?

Since you are doing 90% of what to be done as you stated on another thread, then you could set a boundary of self care for your self that 90% is being reduced to what you can realistically manage and then stick to your guns. You need to take better care of you for no one is going to. Your the main bread winner in the house. It is not reasonable for you to live like a single person who happens to be married. It sure is good that there are not any young children in the home for they would see some poor adult modeling.

You are being selfish. You need to take care of you. Go out with your male friends to go bowling or something good, go see a movie or just get out for a breath of fresh air or anything else that you enjoy and have not done for a while. You are are valuable person too.

Get some help. You are worth it and your marriage is worth it. Please.

Good for you that you are still interested in your wife.

I was wonderng the same, babalou.

Beretta - why not therapy now? You are, essentially, enabling her to continue..

My gut sense is that this issue did not arise a year ago when fil moved in, but has existed in some form before that.

Your wife needs your help to see what she is doing to herself and your (collective)marriage. That is part of your job just as much as, and probably more than, housekeeping.

I know it is not easy to broach these topics, but sitting on them only allows things to get worse. I think cutting back on the housekeeping and, when the opportunity arises, talking about the state of your marriage is a good step. I also think therapy for you and then for both of you is a good idea, This from one who has had many many hours of therapy. Good luck!

Beretta, I'm curious why you say no counselling or therapy for you right now? It's not a huge step; it's not like you are leaving, or even preparing to leave. What it IS is taking care of you. Right now, that seems to be sadly lacking in your home and your marriage.

We (you and we) could speculate till the cows come home about why your wife feels that she (and you) are the only ones who can bear the burden of caring for her dad. We and you may never know. What matters is that it's not a decision that is being made with your knowledge of the forces driving it, and your participation in the "burden" seems to me to be taken for granted without your understanding the forces driving it.

Different families bring different assumptions to the table about elder care (and childcare --I had a cousin who was about to accept a marriage proposal when the young man said "I know you're a corporate executive now, but you want to stay home with our kids until they go to college, right?). There seem to be some powerful forces driving your wife to do this job with no one's help but yours. She's going to hurt herself and make herself ill doing that, so the driving force must be very powerful indeed.

You can upset the equilibrium simply by not doing what you're doing - the housework and stuff she expects you to do now. But you may need some support to be able to do that, hence...therapy.

Think about that; wishing you well.

MaggieMarshall has said it all! Sadly your resentment is building to danger point and needs to be dealt with Beretta. It's time for Tough Love but it involves BOTH of you. Your darling wife has her priorities a bit skewered, for whatever reason and needs help to save herself. She has become enmeshed with the situation and its blinding her.
My beautiful hubby has a wonderful way of helping me to see when my 'Çaring Side' gets out of control. I think I can do it ALL.... and news is I CAN"T!
She needs to understand that she is NOT on her own here. Try softening your approach and loving her back to health. Big gentle hugs, unexpected flowers, a meal cooked (with love and no resentment)... Make it special! Let her see and feel how much you love her and try to do whatever works for you....with NO strings attached. FIL may be there, but your loving focus is on HER! Its the old story.... the only person we can change is ourself. Be THE person she WANTS TO BE WITH! Good luck Buddy!

Gardenartist, Thanks, I forgot that one which I've seen a lot here also and empowers quite a bit of enmeshment with particularly an abusive parent for they are looking to compensate for something that was absent from their childhood by giving enough so that the parent changes which realistically and historically does not happen although despite all hope of being the one exception.

I've got to add that to my list of enmeshed types.!

beretta68,

I'd start working through the cousin now! I'm glad the cousin is a he so that it does not look like your building a substitute emotional relationship which you wouldn't do anyway. Although, you want to and that's your decission, I would not bury this much longer.

If you perceive she is scared, then as a good husband you could validate her feelings and ask how you can help as her husband. Who knows, she might be waiting for you to do that? That's your call and if that is correct would be better than starting off with your concerns and how hurt you feel.

BTW, has long has it been since y'all have had a date. Can you think of anything she'd really love to do that would just sweep her off her feet to go do? I mean you can always say nicely of course, hey hun we have not been out of a date in a while, I recall that you love ____ how bout we plan to go do that on a date?

Getting our on a date just might relax her enough to open up about her anxieties and frustrations. I don't know if she has an introverted personality and maybe you're the extrovert, but I know with my own wife who is an introvert, that introverts tend to think about about what their thinking about that they may get around to opening up about once they have thought about it enough. Some introverts like my oldest son are like the Pacific Ocean. It is deep sea fishiing which requires much patience, maintaining a non-anxious presence and making sure to validate feelings although the content might not be something you can validate.

She just might be looking for some emotional validation for where she is emotionally? She's your wife, you know her better than we do. Think about it.

Beretta, few more comments:

1. You queried: "And being primary bread winner, if i did leave they would lose the house. Does my own well being trump that responsibility?"

I think that's an "either/or" more drastic situation, which I would hope you don't reach. I'm trying, as others are, to see solutions which avoid having to leave.

I was only thinking of leaving more often, for male get togethers, or even just trips to man caves, walks, visits to parks....just something to get away to (1) think more clearly outside of the home environment, and (2) give your wife more time to spend with her father to (a) miss you and realize how much she does, and (b) begin to do more household chores.

2. After reading the other posts, I'm now wondering if there is something more going on with your wife than just being protective of her caregiving role and wanting to be the sole caregiver.

I've seen adults go out of their way to take in troubled children, spend time and money on them, and even more, to compensate for something that was absent from their childhood. I was thinking of something of a reverse situation with your wife. I don't pretend to have a lot of psychological insights into these situations though.

3. Someone mentioned Dagan, whose wife left him after 5 years of caring for his mother. It's worth reading:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/want-life-marriage-back-cant-care-for-mom-186396.htm

4. "My folks went away for a while and I spent a couple nights away, but the only one who really missed me was the cat." I assume this was written in jest, but if you really feel that way, perhaps the marriage is in more trouble than any of us can realize.

I do hope you can find some solace in the concern expressed here by the posters. They can probably see the situation more objectively than anyone in your household - it's just easier for others outside the situation to do that. Often I read something here on the forum and suddenly realize how it applies to me, yet I had not yet reached the self recognition of engaging in that line of analysis.

Thanks for the above all. It does make me take pause and think on things. My thoughts on councelling is not at this point, and neither is my drawing a line in the sand saying HIM OR ME! I will ride this out for a while longer, probably up to the 1yr moving in date, and become more vocal then. I really do think that she is stressed and would like change but is scared to re-act, and has not confided with me even though i push for her to open up. But i do have an ace in the hole which is her cousin, whom she totally trusts, who will be my voice of reason on this issue. He believes we have done enough and my FIL needs more activity in his life with AL.

I might also see a family law attorney, just to see what my rights and obligations are. I'd keep that to myself, as to not aggravate her, but you need to know where you stand if you proceed forward with marital counseling. Information is crucial when making important decisions.

Yes, please don't suffer in silence. I did that for many years before I got fed up and wanted my life back but did not know what that meant. I feel sorry for my two boys having to go through that. My wife is also sorry that she was not able at that point to stand up to her mother.

Sounds to me as if the marriage relationship is at significant risk at this point and waiting longer till there is no way to repair the emotional damage being done is a really bad idea. You can't do this any more without having it lead to harm to the marriage that cannot be undone. Tell the truth. Go to a marriage counselor to tell the truth. This is something that will eat the marriage all up for good. If its a marriage worth saving, then save it by addressing this terrible elephant in the room. Don't just suffer onwards, the marriage will be lost in your heart and you won't be able to get it back again. I don't believe she would want that, and if she does then that is just very sad news and time to face it.

Linda22,

I agree and very often the spouse reaches a point of no return and that's it either for the short term like I did or for the rest of their life.

Sometimes, I'd like to shout, "You are married to your spouse!!!!" However, that doesn't work either. That's when I feel the frustration, the pain, the abandonment, and the anger that I could imagine the spouse feeling.

Your wife is emotionally enmeshed with her dad and very strong.

I like all of the ideas above. If a heart to heart talk with your wife does not work, I would not immediately go for family counseling. I'd get my own counselor and let them guide you with your own boundaries and encouraging her into marriage counseling.

Unfortunately, there's not a book that I know of for a husband of a daddy enmeshed wife other than some rather general ones. The name of the general one is The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life by Love.

There is a book for wives of mom enmeshed husbands and how to try to win their hearts back but I wonder if it can cross translate.

I will say that your in a battle for your marriage that this cargiving situation has brought a weakness that's been there to the surface like iron ore in the furnace. You did not create this.

Here's three levels of enmeshment that I've seen spouses get into either with the opposite sex and with the same sex child because it is an emotional thing. So here's my three categories

You just might be able to find online articles on these three categories or types.

1. The eternal child who has been groomed by a parent to always respond like they are still the little girl or little boy. Technically that is called infantalism. I have a relative who is still in bondage by this in her early 60's and somehow her marriage has lasted, but not well. She's been to therapy, but quit. She at times wants someone else to fight her war for her, but she want fight.

2. The parent/child. The overly responsible parent/child who is groomed emotionally to feel responsible for the parent almost as if there were their parent. That's called parentification.

3. The partner child. In my opinion this is the absolute deepest and by far the hardest to get our of.

All can be gotten our of with effort and the help of a therapist. But like those above they have to hit a point of desperation that something needs to change and they are not sure what.

The partner child is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner either because the spouse is gone because of divorce or death.

Some do this with a child because they are not getting such emotional support from their spouse and it is easier to do this than deal with the marriage problems. Very often in this relationship the parent will share things with the child that should never be said. I have a very close relative that this happened to. Their same sex parent told them all about their sex like with their other parent. I'm surprised they got their own life and got marred, but I'm glad they did.

There is a book about the partner child. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Adams.

I hope the best for you and your wife and that your marriage can get back on track. In the meantime, get some help for you. Please, keep coming back here to let us know how you are doing and how things are going otherwise.

We can't substitute for face to face therapy but we can listen, empathize, validate your feelings, cheer lead, send cyber hugs, pray and send you our love. But, you seriously need a face to face person who is trained as well as experienced in this kind of dysfunction. You don't need a brand new therapist who is still learning how to apply things.

Also, if you find it easier to open up to one gender than another, then pick a man or a woman accordingly. Nothing wrong with that. In my own life, I started out with a female therapist, but in dealing with my own mom issues and other things, it was easier to talk with a man.

Love, prayers and hugs!

Actually as I keyed in her response to a weekend break from my Friend; she says that quite a bit--"Don't want others to be burdened with him." Like this is her role in life or something....and I am Lucky enough to be a "part" of this.
Make's me now wonder where she gets the idea that we are all he has, and no body including the staff of AL place need be "burdened"--this makes me frustrated as my research for AL places will be for nothing. She might not budge unless there is another issue or problem, which WILL happen sooner or later.
That is the problem that makes me nervous, if she finds him after getting home before me.

Maggie's advice works - it did with me. We had a chance to take a couple weekend trips with friends, I was hesitant and my husband said we were going and I need to figure out how. He'd had enough and I shouldn't have let it get that far. Within two months, my sister and I found a great AL for Mom. By the time we left town, I knew she was safe and cared for.

It saddens me that so often, we short change our spouses and kids trying to be the dutiful daughter/son. If one were given to Bible verses, we need to balance the honor parents part with the joining with our spouse as a team part.

You've made my WEEK! Maybe longer! Thank you sooo much, Beretta. I'm so glad it spoke to you. God bless.

That is perfect Maggie, as it was a helpful post. If your insight is always this good, make the posts longer!

What an absolutely SWEETEST EVER thing for you to say. Thank you sooo much.

May just be the most helpful post you've ever written, or one of many helpful posts you've written, Maggie! You go girl!

^^^Longest post I've ever written. Yikes!

Do you remember the old saying, "Nothing changes until you do?" Keep that in mind, and whether you decide any advice here is worth anything or not, decide how YOU are willing to change. And keep in mind that you have been a saint for the last 11 months.

Maybe your changing will involve setting limits on your household cleaning responsibilities. Maybe it's time for a cleaning lady every two weeks. Or maybe it's time for you to re cultivate some male friendships...join a bowling league, take golf lessons, join a league, join a ROMEO group. (Really Old Men Eating Out)

Maybe it's time for you to sit your wife down and put some of the burden on HER to change. "I'm unhappy in our marriage right now. Don't misunderstand, I love you very much, but things have got to change. We need some "us" time. What can we do about that?" And, if she tells you to back off? Then all the more reason for you to get involved elsewhere.

I had mom with me for a year. Dementia...couldn't dress herself...incontinent much of the time. Tom and I aren't married but have been together 14 years. He helped me in a thousand different ways. Had he said it was too much, I PROMISE you I would have put mom into a nursing home.

I used mom's Social Security and savings to hire in-home help for her. I used to make mom a cold supper that a caregiver would present her...the caregiver was not allowed to get mom up out of her chair...she'd come for five hours in late afternoon. We'd go visit friends, go out for dinner, to a show, to the VFW for a few drinks and a few dances...any number of things...probably twice a month. It cost $125 every time. I didn't even BLIBK spending her money that way.

We have a cleaning lady every two weeks. I didn't expect TOM to clean the house. And I certainly didn't have time. If you and wifey can't afford it, the dad should pay.

I guess what I'm trying to point out to you is that your wife is being selfish. Embrace that...because it's true.

So. How might you change?

GardenArtist: Actually she does work, and 3 times a week my FIL is alone during the day.And being primary bread winner, if i did leave they would lose the house. Does my own well being trump that responsibility? Welcome to my world. My folks went away for a while and I spent a couple nights away, but the only one who really missed me was the cat.

Beretta, what was your marriage like before FIL moved in? Was your wife happy in the relationship? Was she depressed? Feeling undervalued or any thing like that? What is her work status.?

I think you need to get her attention. Whether uou do that by taking her on a date or to a therapist's office is up to uou. But right now, she's not hearing how unhappy you are.