Elderly blind Mom says boyfriend stuck tongue in her ear. What do I do?

Your boyfriend is making you choose. The healthier choice is to get on with your life and your future and find a safe haven for your mother. Not easy to do, but remember, she took care of you and now you find what is best for her even if she doesn't like it. Little kids and old people don't always like what is good for them.

thank you for all your support...been working so hard to catch up on clients while fighting a cold.
my boyfriend is pretty much wanting to leave me...I know it's been so hard.
but I asked him if we can just meet next week and maybe do something fun just to see..
I don't know what will happen..
Going to try to stay strong and keep on track of getting more help in the house and planning more me time..

thank you for your support..super tired but going to try to be hopeful..
hugs

Hooe all is well with you, RW,!

I fully understand the feeling of absolutely not being good enough, been there done that, and had to finally realize that NO ONE can fully satisfy multiple conflicting demands. It is not you, it is the situation. Getting a little help to give you some boyfriend time seems like the perfect first step. Expensive, maybe, but it gives him a tangible sign that you really do love him and want things to be better. I'll bet he can then begin to understand that you can't shed all your enmeshments overnight, and that Mom does need some care and attention...just not ALL of it. And, do pat yourself on the back - you essentialy called her bluff and the cough/cold let her save face.

And RW, when you finally get her to a doctor or psychiatrist, be sure to mention her history of smelling odors that aren't there. I have read that that is sometimes present with schizophrenia.

Rw, what is mom's financial situation? She has soc sec and/ or disability payments, yes? Do those go towards rent/care etc? Or are you supporting her entirely on your dime?

I just feel hope slipping away here. I'm not a psychiatrist, but reallyworried is drowning and won't grab the life ring. Save yourself RW, because it's almost too late. Run like h*ll and don't look back.

I would suggest this...a day of hard work to catch up and a morning at a place that does massages and maybe facials. Call in some help and ignore your mom and her demands for at least two days. Ignore the demands of your boyfriend too. You need some you time. Schedule a session with your therapist, just you. As you say, the demands of both parties are too much right now; as lovely as your bf sounds, you don't want to spring from one enmeshed relationship to another. Arrange to take your mom to a geriatric specialist in teo weeks time. Find a good eldercare attorney and make an appointment for sometime after that. You need to arrange poa, hippa, etc if you don't already. Figure out along the way if you are the person who should have these documents and authority, or if a third party such as an attorney should hold this responsibility.

So Mom backed out at the last minute? only time will tell if she really has a cold in the morning. I am going to go out on a limb and suggest you just won a major victory. Now you can say I am not being fair to either you or your Mom but as I have said many times here and in other venues that I am a nasty suspicious old lady. My purpose is not to be unkind when you feel you have no where to turn. You have found a very decent man who also showed affection to your Mom and had been prepared to take on the two of you as a package deal. That is not going to happen now, she has made sure of that. she has destroyed his trust and will continue to do so Added to that she has managed to turn your life and emotions upside down and plant seeds of doubt about the right thing to do.
There is no right thing to do. There are choices and you are free to choose Mom or B/F but it seems Mom has made sure you can't have both and neither can she which in the end may come back and bite her in the butt. I don't know what your original illness was but Mom is now blind and helpless so can not take care of herself or you if you became sick again. So what would happen to her and you for that matter if B/F was no longer in the picture. No work no money, no food, no heat, no medical care, no car, no roof over your heads. Mom couldn't pull rabbits out of her hat these days.
No point in reasoning with her she will never see "sense" She's old, blind and terrified. Her reason went out the window long before the tongue. She's doing everything she can to keep you to herself. Whatever you decide to do it is going to be rough for you but I think you have the guts to follow your heart. Someone said to me when I was in crisis that you do what you have to do when what you are doing is more painful. Blessings

RW I'm just really sorry you're going through all this. It's a very bad patch. I like the sound of throwing yourself into the work you enjoy for a good couple of days straight, and taking a complete break from the rest of it.

I hope this'll make you giggle. My sister made my eyebrows shoot up when I was on the phone to her once - I was telling her about something or other mother had done and she said "I'd have put a plastic bag over her head by now." Now my mother is, by comparison with many, a rest-cure (remind me I said that some time, won't you), so I was a bit startled even though I knew my sister was actually joking. But I'm passing that thought on to you..!

Love your mother, but don't take her literally. Get some rest. Nurse your cold (1 tbsp of manuka honey (or any old honey, come to that), I tbsp of brandy, juice of a fat lemon, top it up with boiling water - kills all known germs so it's medicinal hem-hem and it's delicious). And taking a complete day all to yourself just so you can hear yourself think is also a great idea. Not that I don't agree with Blannie that time with the b/f is also something you should schedule, but I know that sometimes I just want not to have to think about or speak to or consider any other person at all - the bliss of solitude. Good luck with finding extra help, big hug.

And get her to a geriatric psychiatrist!!!!!!!!

Mom probably realized how nutty she would sound once she actually got there. Your poor boyfriend...I hope he can hang in there while you sort this out. I'm sure it seems overwhelming to you right now, but you're taking the baby steps you need to take to call your mom's bluff. And that's a GOOD thing! Call the nursing service tomorrow and then plan some time away from you mom - go away with your boyfriend for a couple of days if you can. You deserve a break and I'm sure he'd love to have you all alone for a day or two!

You're kidding, right? You got to the lawyer and Mom pulled a coughing fit and so called off the apppointment? REALLY? Do you understand that this is manipulation?

Thank you....

got there and mom starting coughing alot ..she caught my cold so she did not go in.

I was so tired of the fighting .....but was planning on going to see my boyfriend...but then he got all upset for my not just standing up and taking charge that he said he was going to see a friend tonight instead....its a girl who I know likes him....it would have been his dead daughter's bday....so he didn't want to be alone..

I got so mad I cancelled the sitter and was so worn out between the two of them I just got fed up.

I spoke to my boyfriend and he was like I just want you to stand up for our three years and what we achieved and I was like...I have been fighting for us but I just can't freak her out by bringing you over...........

I am worn out and my work is in jeopardy......

so I told him I love him and I know he wants changes but I cannot do it in one day.......
and if he still wants to call me in a few days please do..

and I am now trying to figure a better plan for help at home...it will cost more than I want to pay..............but I cannot think about the future if I do not have a now.

I do not know what to do but I am sick of all the demands..........I cannot seem to be a good enough anything.........but work I can do so I am going to concentrate on getting caught up............calll a nursing service tomorrow............and think about...get this maybe an entire day away somewhere by myself..........

weary but really getting sick of it all...

hugs

We're all wishing you well! It'll be fine.

Thank you.....

I wrote him as he is a new lawyer...and do not want added trouble..

appointment late this afternoon....thank you for the support...fingers crossed..

RW, if your mother's lawyer is any good, this is what he will do.

If she brings up the 'tonguing' incident (TI, hereafter) he will suggest that they put it firmly under Any Other Business, and first of all concentrate on the real agenda of the day, namely her will and living will.

Assuming he is skilled, and knows her well, he will then get her to focus on the important matters that she is buying his time for.

That concluded, he will ask her about the TI. He should then tell her that if she wishes to lodge a complaint she is free to do so at the police station, but that his best advice is that the complaint, with no corroborating witnesses (indeed with only a witness who actually disputes your mother's construction of events), at such a distance of time, is most unlikely to be followed up and could indeed jeopardise her credibility. He might also reassure her that both you and your b/f have agreed between yourselves that the b/f will avoid all direct physical contact with her in future, simply to avoid all possibility of further misunderstandings, and she therefore has nothing to fear.

The detailed explanation of your b/f's medical history and ongoing condition is more than the lawyer will want to know. It is not relevant. Your mother has no basis for asserting her assessment of him - what, is she his doctor now? - and in any case it has no bearing on the alleged TI. Provided that you, as her caregiver, are confident that your b/f is a perfectly proper and risk-free person to have around your home - and you are, and there isn't a problem - his character and background are not your mother's business, let alone her lawyer's.

But just to skip over this (which I think we safely can because honestly, now, there is nothing to it) and look ahead: your mother's blindness is heightening her other senses; she's feeling draughts, she's getting sensations on her skin which she is misinterpreting. And THAT you haven't heard the last of. You do need to get her to a medic who can explain this to her and, perhaps, suggest ways of making her more comfortable.

"Come what come may, time and the hour run through the roughest day." Take some deep breaths before you head for the lawyer's office and try not to fret. All will be well.

And, by the way, before I forget: taking common-sensical control of your mother's wellbeing is an act of love and gratitude. You're both long past the stage when what she needed was obedience. Big hug, have a good day.

Lawyer does not need that much information, and you don't need to assume a relationship and life with your boyfriend has been made impossible. Lawyer needs to know that a credible witness did not see any such event happen, that there was a previous accusation, and that though you do not think your mom is lying, you think she is mistaken. It is not unreasonable to share that she is angry because you cannot believe her, but the lawyer does not need to know your and your boyfriends medical history in advance. Let Mom exaggerate his defects and past problems, you then explain those are in the past and you know Mom does not like him or think he is good enough for you, but he is now on his feet with a good job and income, etc. etc., and you will be the one with credibility. And that is going to be potentially very important if your boyfriend end up needing protection in this situation and if you need to help your mom with financial affairs and care in the future. As has been pointed out before, your mom may not be as sharp as she comes across to some people or even as you think she is.

Hang in there. Don't avoid medication on principal... would you avoid insulin if you were diabetic?

I've been for counseling......I am sad...but will be okay...I try to avoid medications..I know this is a really weird tough time for me. I can cope with alot...this is just beyond the pale as far as things go..

thanks for your help!! will let you know what happens.

The more I hear about your mom, the more I wonder about Münchausen syndrome by proxy. Once you get through all of the drama with the attorney - and that is exactly what it is, drama manufactured out of whole cloth by your mother, check out Wikipedia for the term above. Your mom is a drama queen with a capital "D". Now she's wanting to report the priest? How low will she go?

If you could step back a few feet and look at your situation objectively, as though it was a story you read about someone else, you'd be shaking your head at how silly/sad/ridiculous your mom is being over this imagined incident.

You're starting to pull away from her and it's scaring the bejesus out of her. Her little girl is growing up and mom doesn't want to accept that. She will fight you tooth and nail to keep things the way they were 'BB' (before boyfriend). Hugs to you...you've got your hands full with your mom.

RW, I think that is fine. Now get some sleep. Stop worrying. Stop telling your mom everything you do and think. find her a geriatric psychiatrist who can figure out what's going on inside her head, and if meds will help. And have YOU been to a psychiatrist--it sounds to me like some antidepressant medication might do you a world of good.

thank you! I will bring her to a doctor but she sounds perfectly fine..

was thinking about sending this prior...
hopefully he will not tell her..

what do you think..

Dear Mr. Osbourne,
We really need your help. My mom is coming to you today and I am asking you to keep my confidence in writing this note to you. I need assistance in putting my life back together and I am beseeching you for some guidance.
I love my mom very much. She is 83 and blind. She is a lovely woman and we have had a very very close relationship for years.
My mom is bringing her will and living will to you tomorrow. But she is there to talk to you about an incident 3 weeks ago that has torn my life apart and my mom’s too.
My mom said that my boyfriend, who I was planning to marry, stuck his tongue in her ear when he kissed and hugged her goodbye. A sitter was standing right there and said it did not happen. I was in my room getting my bag.
My mom has been outraged at me for three weeks because I do not believe her. And is going to you so you have her story.
I thought what she said was odd as since less than a year ago when our gay hairdresser whom I have known for 30 years came to the house and gave her a hug and kiss –she said he tongued her too.
So I asked the sitter who was a foot away from them and she said my boyfriend was loving and kind..hugged her and kissed her…but because he is big he may have banged her nose…
My mom had said first that he lifted the back of her blouse and started rubbing her back. She has since dropped this part of the story.
I asked my boyfriend and his account matches the sitter’s.
He was repulsed by the thought of doing that to my mom…he never does it to me in three years..and his ex-wife said he never did it in 18 years.
My boyfriend was willing to do counseling with the three of us and wanted nothing more than to get us a bigger house and help me pay for extra help around the house.
My mom did not feel he was what she wanted for me from the beginning. Which she will deny. But it got worse when I told her that he had broken his shoulder 14 years ago….he has the scars and the bolts….and became addicted to pain pills.
He wanted to get help but supporting a family at the time, he could not go away for a month, so his doctor put him on a maintenance dose of methadone. Which he may take for the rest of his life to balance endorphins.
He has had a very successful career and been promoted several times since I know him….he went after these promotion to make me feel more secure financially.

I think my mom heard this and feels that he will not be able to take care of me should I get sick again…I was sick as a child and in my twenties and my mom did everything in the world to take care of me.
And I have tried to do the same by being a devoted loving daughter…I have never left my mom for more than 6 hours in my life.
We have been through terrible times together,,,,loss of my dad when I was 17, illness, money issues and more.
The counselor I have been to…along with other counselors said our relationship is “emeshed.”
I do not think my mom is a liar. I just think she perceived something off…
I love her and will always take care of her..I do not want her in fear or upset.
I have not had my boyfriend to the house….we have gone for counseling and we are both distraught by this. Naturally we know a marriage and a life together is now not going to be possible. And I will always take care of my mom.
I also spoke to my priest who told me to stop acting like a 16 year old girl and just have my relationship.
I mentioned the priest in passing to my mom and she now wants to report him to the pastor for giving me counsel??
The funny thing in all this…the counselor who my boyfriend and I went to…and who is very smart said to me….ironically I think he would have stood by you if you got sick.
I am at a loss. I hope you can provide some insight and please again keep this confidential.

Rw, if your counselor suggested it, then do it. But please don't try to get your mother's "permission" to do so. That being said, what is the attorney going to do with any of this information IF HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOUR BOYFRIEND IS? You are totally in control of this situation. You have the information and from what I gather, you pay the bills. Don't pay the lawyer, your mother should foot the bill for this piece of theater....if your mother is so H, ll bent on not trusting you, make sure that she sets up some sort of arrangement for someone ELSE to be her poa, guardian, etc. I suspect your mother only sounds believable to you. She doesn't to your priest, nor to a single person on this board. In fact, I've never seen such unanimity in this community about an issue. And by the way, as we ALL keep telling you, your mom needs to be seen by a geriatric neuropsychiatrist. Pronto. Maybe the lawyer can give you a referral.

thank you..I am just wondering if I should write the attorney first.....my mom sounds totally believable...and will go on and on about all the sacrifices she has made for me which she has...and how I think this is my last chance to marry etc
but I am concerned when she brings up my boyfriend's medical issues from years ago and that the attny will jump --and say ohhh.....if I don't set the record straight first..

my counselor suggested having a letter ready to hand to the receptionist when we leave...
but I am not sure what is right....

I agree with CM and Ba8alou. You chauffeur only. If you add anything, the only thing it would be is that this is the THIRD time your mom has made such an accusation against someone. That would be the final piece of the puzzle for an attorney. That alone makes it unbelievable to any rational person.

I second what CM says. Let your mom talk the attorney on her own. And let mom pay the bill. You have nothing to add to this conversation. Do NOT offer any opinion, information or your boyfriend's lawyer's number. You're just the chauffeur in thus scene of the melodrama. Given what you've told us,I would expect your mom to make a fuss and demand boyfriend's information. "No mom, I'm sorry, I can't share that information." That's it.

RW1, seriously - you've correctly made this appointment for your mother, you're correctly taking her to it; you then correctly leave her to the lawyer.

So supposing she makes an allegation about your b/f, just think it through. 1. A highly improbable-sounding allegation 2. about an unnamed individual 3. about whom she has no personal details 4. and whom you are doing nothing at all to hide, because there is nothing to hide. What do you think an attorney, having your mother's best interests at heart, would make of this allegation?

I hope he doesn't try to reason with her, exactly, because she'd probably sack him for impertinence and move on to the next attorney - terrible waste of money. But I hope he does gently explain that he'll need a lot more to go on, and that it would be very hard to pursue any kind of action from what she's given him. And, by the way, YOU DO NOT ADD ANY INFORMATION OF ANY KIND. No numbers, no names, no pack drill. Your mother is acting on her own account, here. You assist her to do that, but you do not step one inch towards acting for her. Seriously, be clear. Ideally leave her in the attorney's office so that she can have her discussion with him in strict confidence.

And oh! I WISH you weren't so worried! I WISH you were exasperated, cross, fed up, irritated, kind of amused in a wry way… anything but worried. I hope this will be promptly knocked on the head so that you can move on past it. Best of luck x

thank you for your support. I am trying to get over my cold and get back to working. really far behind. my mom has a lawyer's appt tomorrow which I am taking her to. am hoping that the lawyer may be able to reason with her. but I had to talk to my boyfriend if he wants me to give his name and number to the attny. my mom does not remember his last name or have his contact number. he does not want this to escalate nor does he want his name down on some legal paper. so he asked me not to give it....and to say if the lawyer wants to talk I will get his attorney's number. I pray it does not go this way.....and that she just is just talking about me and that she feels that if I don't believe her then she needs to talk to someone else about her plans etc. I promised my boyfriend I would not let anyone hurt him with this stupidity. I pray that the priest is right and that the attorney will see past this for what it is.......thank you for letting me vent...it is just so weird.

RW no one is asking or telling you to give up caring for your Mom. You will always do that, she is your only family. The problem is she wants to keep it that way and will try any manipulation she can think of to keep you tied to her. Of course she is scared but has blown any chance she had of spending her later years with you and your boyfriend. Even if you get married and move her in with you she will find ways to sabotage your life till BF gives up and moves out.
BK sounds like a good man who will provide a nice home, nicer than you and mom could afford on your own but suddenly it would all be gone again and you and mom back on the streets living in your car.
Life is full of risks. How much are you prepared to risk?
No point in having BF visit. you have tried that and she will pull the same stunts and they will escalate. If she knows you are in bed there will be multiple calls for help all night same as before. if you try and set boundaries she will escalate. No reply to her umteenth call and there will be a huge crash as she pushes a chair over and sits on the floor. not injured but she will tell you she is. All three of you haveing a nice meal and she will push a plate of soup onto the floor. Oh she's so sorry did not realize BF had put it so close. Even cries a little all directed to gaining attention.
RW Mom is mentally ill or at the very least has a personality disorder which is the same thing. it is not up to her to decide if BF is the right one for you - no one will be the right one. That is set in stone. Keep up the baby steps you are moving in the right direction just don't get sidetracked.