Both my parents have dementia. I have read, studied, and followed everything there is but still can't get them to take a shower or change clothes.

I've had enormous problems getting both my husband and my father to have showers. My husband would joke that he would shower once a month, which was actually true, but he was really joking. He has shocking memory from his alcoholic dementia. He would often also recite his experience in Vietnam where he didn't shower for a month, when I asked him to shower. He used to be extremely hygienic. This problem was disgusting, we couldn't be intimate. One time it took several days to get the stence off me after I caved in to his demands for intimacy. He would argue against me that he didn't need a shower, he would think that he'd had a shower the day before, but it sometimes had been weeks. Both my husband and father will generally shower when asked to do this "the right way" by a professional Care Worker. Regarding my father, I surmise that the problem in me getting his cooperation is that I am merely his daughter. My father is 90yo and from a generation where your personal affairs are absolutely definitely not shared with your children at all. I believe he is hard wired to this type of thinking. For a long time he had terrible infected rashes, before I started assisting him, which I eventually discovered where just from bad hygiene. He just couldn't remember that he hadn't showed for weeks and couldn't work out which of his clothes where clean or dirty. He has poor eyesight and his sense of smell seems to be non existent. I even tried to get the ambulance to take him to the hospital to get him showered. They said they can't do anything and he can refuse to ever shower. I eventually started him with home care visits from a government funded care organisation and with the right Carer, we now get only just adequate hygiene. Some carers can't make him shower. Some can. The carers that "can't" get him to shower, keep asking him yes/no type questions like "would you like a shower". He will then of course say no, not wanting to inconvenience anyone. The only carers that can get him to shower, don't ask questions that require a yes or no response! They just let him know that "it's time for his shower now" sometimes encouraging him to do this before he gets taken out for a drive. He will be given the choice as to what clothes to wear, not whether to change his clothes or not, or whether to shower or not, Or he might be given the choice to either shower now or after breakfast for example. Now we don't get the infectious rashes and the stench that we used to get. One time my little boy caught the same infectious rash from my father, when my father would not where a shirt but was covered in open sores. As a result my son ended up in an isolation ward at the hospital with me, the doctors and nurses would suit up before entering to sort the rash on my son, until the hospital realised it was not an outbreak of a serious disease. They then just sent us home with some Cortisone Cream. I now have to remind the Carers that they must pass on information to me from my father, as my father confides in them. Most Carers just don't understand that he will not confide in me. This remains an ongoing challenge at times as most carers just don't understand that my father won't confide in me and that this is very natural behaviour. This is all part of my advocacy for my father. Sometime it feels like I'm constantly fighting for our rights and appropriate care.

Am I deaf, dumb and blind. What am I missing? There comes a point in time that you must accept no matter what you do to do the right thing, it is NOT going to be possible. What will happen? Well, eventually you will have major depression and the process of YOUR DESTRUCTION STARTS. When you simply cannot do the right and proper things and nothing on this earth makes that possible, it is time to ask yourself if things are working. If not, THEN MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX THE PROBLEM - NOW. Sometimes we don't like what we will be forced to do but in the end, we really have no choices. If your "patients" are becoming overwhelmingly difficult and giving you endless problems, then you must put them somewhere where they will be looked after and cared for before they destroy YOU. You do not deserve that. I am sorry this is harsh but it is the truth. Sometimes we can literally kill ourselves for trying and only to find out nothing works. That is when we have to grow up and be strong and make some tough decisions. There is no other way.

In Georgia we opted for hospice care for both parents. This is not end of life care, but more like palliative care. A nurses aide comes twice a week and baths my mom. She was great about making mom feel comfortable with her, and now our hygiene-resistant mother is used to it and has no problem.
it sounds like you could use some help. Have you contacted hospice for your parents? It has been a life saver for us!

My Husband went through the would not change clothes as well. Luckily he never had a problem with showering until later stages.
He would take off his soiled clothes put on his PJ's and take his soiled clothes and fold them and place them near his chair and go to bed. Once he was in bed I would take the soiled clothes and replace them with clean clothes. If he had kept his underwear on I would grab them in the morning while he was in the shower and put a clean pair in their place. I don't think he ever noticed.
I never made a big deal about it was never worth fighting about something that could be remedied easily.
The showering thing ...
There are several reasons possibly why a person does not want to shower.
1. There are a lot of steps to taking a shower and it can get confusing.
2. It can be very noisy with the water splashing, the echoing of the water.
3. The head and torso are vulnerable areas and to have water hitting in that area can be frightening.
4. There is the possibility of slipping and falling.

the slipping and falling I solved by buying older used walkers at resale shops and my husband would hold onto the walker in the shower. We do have grab bars but he never got the hang of holding on to them .

The water hitting the torso area I solved by starting at his feet and wetting the feet first then working up. I also would give him control of the handheld shower. (by this time he was in a shower wheelchair.) A shower bench or chair would do the same thing. And I always gave him an extra wash cloth so he could help. He never seemed to be concerned about covering up but guys are a bit different like that ;)

The extra noise I solved by shutting off the water when I could, get wet, turn off the water, soap up, turn on the water...And I talked to him in a very quiet voice since everything seemed louder in the bathroom.

If a person has a real aversion to showering there are aids that can help and since they do this all the time they can sometimes get cooperation when it might be impossible otherwise.

And bottom line is older people do not need showers daily. Some of the oils on the skin do protect it and you do not want the skin drying out. As long as the "peri area" is cleaned after toileting that is most important on a routine basis. A shower 2 or 3 times a week should be sufficient. I was surprised when my Husband was in rehab I found out the state of Illinois requires showering or bathing only 2 times a week.

I would just HATE to have MY CHILDREN see me naked.

How about you either get a large piece of pretty material (an old curtain would work). Make it into a 'wrap around' that ties with a bow. And give it as a present for her to use IN THE SHOWER.?

Just a thought.

Good luck
Buzzy.

In my mother's last illness I had to help her shower (before we got to the bed wipe stage), though she wasn't resisting. I used to strip down myself, because it was a nuisance getting my clothes wet. It was a shock to her to start with, because we were never into nudism at home, but after the first time I think it helped her to feel less embarrassed. We were in it together!

Don't know if this will help but here is a blog I once wrote on the topic:

Why do Individual’s refuse to Shower?

Do you know what the most commonly refused treatment in a long term care facilities is? It’s not medication, therapy, or diet, it is bathing! Residents refuse to take a bath more than anything else in a long term care facility.
While I was in college I worked in a long term care facility and often had situations where the residents were refusing their showers. Later in life I became an advocate for residents in long term care facilities and would often get calls from concerned family members and staff wanting to know what they could do with a resident who was refusing to take a bath. So what did I suggest? The first thing I want to know when someone is refusing to bathe is why? When I would ask residents this I got many answers such as:
·       The water is to cold;
·       The water pressure hurts my skin;
·       I don’t want a man giving me a shower;
·       The staff person is rough with me;
·       Dignity issue;
·       They rush me;
·       It’s not a good time (wanting to give shower during their favorite TV show); or
·       I like to take showers in the morning and they want to give it to me in the evening.
Once you know the reason for the refusal you can often come up with solutions that will correct the situation. But what if the resident has dementia and can’t tell you what is wrong? In that case you need to rule out all the possible causes and if nothing can be found you need to bring in the residents doctor and look to see if there is a medical cause.
Example:
An advocate walked on to a secure unit of a long term care facility just as 2 aides were dragging a resident down the hall screaming “I don’t want to take a bath.” It is obvious that the resident was in distress and did not want to be bathed. When staff was stopped and questioned they said the only way they could get her to bathe was to force her. Note: If that resident was injured in anyway during forced treatment i.e. skin tear, bruise or worse that staff could be charged with elder abuse! The staff went on to say they had tried everything and nothing worked. At this point it would be appropriate to get a medical consult and possibly get some anxiety medication that could be given to this lady prior to the bath so she would not be so anxious.
If the individual lives at home the problem could still be any of the issues listed above. If a home health agency is providing care the individual may have a personality conflict with the caregiver. If so contact the agency, most agencies work hard to find a caregiver that is a good match with the individual.
Final thought: Many of our seniors did not grow up taking baths every day. Many just took them once or twice a week. If incontinence is not an issue you may want to consider cutting back on the amount of baths the individual takes each week.

Goodness I really wish I could jump in my car and head over to lend you a hand! Have you considered Home Health? It is typically no out of pocket expense to the patient but can be a life saving extra layer of care! They will complete a medical assessment of your parents prior to starting services, and it does require a phone call to their primary care physician to obtain an order but well worth it to have the support of trained professionals!
By the way, I have often found that parents who receive care from their adult children can resist care because they refuse to let their children see them "unable to perform". Parents are supposed to be role models for their children, right! And....they spent many a year positioning themselves as the boss - not you. Can you imagine letting all those years worth of effort go down the drain!
Trust me, your parents are very likely to allow a nurse aid to help them (and even be polite and respectful) when they insist on giving you a run for your money!

My mother and my husband (both deceased) had this problem and I solved it with a bath aide - the bath aide came twice a week for about 1 hour and they were willing to let her help with their bath, but refused to let me help -- telling me wait till later -- but later never came.

Wow, this is tough. We had plenty of issues, just not this one. I do want to throw out there than anyone who qualified for Medicaid may be able to get care in your own home, up to 24/7. Someone will have to manage the program; hiring, firing, discipine, turning in timesheets....but an outside company acts as the employer and bills Medicaid. So, it's still a job but it was a lifesaver for us. My Mom has had 24/7 care for almost 2 years. She is so much better off than in a nursing home. It's called Community Directed Medicaid. Ask your local Social Services office. Good luck out there.

I am the primary caregiver for my 91 year old mom. Showering or changing underwear is a battle, she can still do it herself, and is very steady and mobile. I read an article that said to simply lead her in there and say get in. I always say, "mom can you come help me in here ?" To which she always says ok. I have towels ready water running and clean underwear. When she comes in the bathroom, I say get in there! She makes me leave the bathroom. I stay outside in case she forgets to get in. While she is in there, I pick the lock and grab her dirty clothes so she can't put them back on. If she refuses , she will say she's going back to bed, which is her response when she disagrees. I wait awhile and start over. We are down to once a week. She has no schedule anymore, so I just spring it on her. If I catch her not changing panties, I make her check them and say they look dirty. It's like having children again. I sneak in her bedroom and take her dirty clothes when she is asleep. She will wear same for days otherwise.

My mom always has an excuse or says she will do it tomorrow. We spent a lot of money on a walk on tub and also had to remodel our bathroom for it because she wanted it. Now she won't use it. I have resigned myself to giving her sponge baths and maybe occasionally I can get her to take a real bath.

I do not understand people. If they are doing all they can to be GOOD caretakers and the patients simply will not cooperate for whatever reason, I can think of only two solutions. One, consider placing them in a safe facility before their shenanigans destroy YOU and make your life hell. Second, if you can't or won't do that, then hire one or two people to physically restrain them until you can get them into the shower. They must take showers to be clean and healthy. I don't really think there is any other way.

I feel for you, I’ve been there too. It’s hard but sometimes you just can’t give them a choice. If you ask, they’ll just say no. When mom has to go to the bathroom, I’ll just say it’s time to take a bath. It’s easier if you get everything ready like the towels, change of clothes etc. so they aren’t just sitting there cold. Mom hates showering because she gets cold so fast. I keep the door closed and run hot water so bathroom is warm when she’s undressing. I try to be quick. And use 2 to three towels to keep her covered and warm after the shower. I start drying her on her shower bench and keep one towel covering wherever I’m not actively drying her. If she had a shampoo, another 1 on her head like a hood. Then I rub lotion on under her towels and get her out of the shower and have her sit on the toilet as I quickly get her dressed. I try to shower her every 2-3 days but sometimes longer in between
days. By the time I’m blow drying her hair, she’s commenting how wonderful she feels! I used to get drenched by sweat and or the shower but now I’m an expert, I have my routine down : )

My mother had Alzheimer's. Someone told me they can be really afraid of water, also she is extremely modest so she didn't want anyone to help her. We had someone come in to the house. She got to know her and eventually jollied her into the bathroom. She had a large hospital type gown that she put on her. That made my mother feel dressed and the aid was able to work around it to clean her up.
As for my father who has dementia, he is in an ALF now. He will not let the aids there help him with showers. I have learned to lower my expectations on how often he does. I think he actually has forgotten how. But he doesn't smell. The nurse there said some people don't. He hasn't complained about any rashes. When he does I'll have a doctor prescribe a showering regime and get the aids involved. But for now I tell him the day before we go shopping and out for lunch that our special day is tomorrow. And I would like to go out with a fresh and clean daddy. I kindly remind him of the standards he held in the past. If he ever does smell when I come pick him up, I intend to get him set up in the bathroom and tell him I'll be waiting for him to come out nice and clean so we can go out to eat. And as frustrating as people with dementia can be, anger never works. It helps me to remember the fear, the insecurities, the feeling of losing control and issues like these are often behind the lack of cooperation. A little understanding goes a long way.

My suggestion is to minimize your own expectations. I have come to accept that my mother will sleep in her cloths and refuse to change into night cloths or take a shower as often as I think is healthy and good for her. Or insisting that she takes vitamin c before her beginning cold takes hold. I delegate as much as possible what others can do. Fex the hair stylist at the care center does a better job with her hair which also cuts down on the time we spend at the shower. We pay out of pocket too, but without that time out for me, it would be so much harder.

Hello! I am happy to say I had the exact same problem with my dad and found a great, working solution. No one could get him in the shower and we were all frustrated. Finally, I hired a local male neighbor/nurse to come to the house 3 X week as an appointment, and help him bathe. Having this ON HIS SCHEDULE and obligatory made all the difference, as opposed to an open-ended thing HE needed to do. As his main care manager, I made the executive decision after a doctors visit where they told me he was no longer safe to shower on his own due to balance issues.

He was reluctant at first but now goes along with it and doesn't seem to mind. If you can find an outside person who is non-threatening and trained to come in and do this with your parents, I highly recommend it! They key was not making it "optional", but making it mandatory.

Hope that helps!

Well, my (ex) husband hasn't had a shower for years, yes years! He won't use the wipes either or let me help. He's been in assisted living, then memory care, now in Hospice. I was assured their "bath person" would know how to get him to bathe, but if he refuses, they cannot force him. His room is full of flaking skin. I am able to take him out to a compassionate barber for a weekly shampoo and razor shave. Very frustrating.

My mom fought me constantly about bathing until I started calling in “spa day.”
I was told by experts they only need bathing 2x a week. Unless they soil themselves. I typed on a 8x11: “Spa day today, don’t get dressed” and taped it on her wall right by her door. During breakfast I would tell her with excitement in my voice that she gets to go to the spa today. While she eats I get her clothes ready and bring them into the spa area (master bathroom). Spa day did included getting her into shower, combing out her hair/ drying it, massaging lotion on her shoulders, arms and legs. During this time I talked to her like the spa owner, not her daughter. I told her she was lucky to get to go to the spa and I wish I could go someday. I would
tell her how pretty she looked and asked her how she enjoyed the services today.

side note: I learned at an Alzheimer’s conference that a lot of dementia/Alzheimer’s patients don’t like to bath because they fear the water because they can’t see it.

Prayers for you and your parents. You are doing the most amazing work in your life, helping parents through this insidious disease.

Finally looking back here . . . . but I guess you may have to take Grandma (aboves) advice. She has a good points. My Dad told me years ago, if he gets too bad and it gets too hard for me (as I'm the only child left) to place him in facility. I'm keeping him with me as long as possible, but if it becomes too stressful over-all . . . I may need to make that choice too! May God direct you <3

I have the same issue with mom. What seems to help is when she is in bathroom I don’t tell her she is going to shower, I just take her clothes off as if to get her dressed, then tell her to sit on the shower bench, which is part way in & out of tub, then have her swing her legs into tub. By that time she knows what’s going on but it’s too late to stop. I also remind her that when I was little she kept me Very clean & how important it is. And I’m just doing the same for her. Also I promise her a treat when we are done, like a meal out. Yes, it is never easy!

I wonder how often you are wanting them to shower. It is not such a long time since many many people had one bath a week, on Saturday night in front of the fire, to be clean for Church on Sunday. They washed face and armpits in a bowl every day (the cry was don't forget to wash behind your ears). You would know which bits need a wash. In British India, the ultimate luxury was to have a manservant shave an officer (with a cut throat razor) while he was still asleep in bed. It might actually be easier to try a bed bath with 'wet ones' for the bottom end, rather than trying for a shower. Sometimes people are easier to manage (eg wash and dress) while they are still lying down just after waking up. It might be worth a try. Sometimes less is more.

This is when you step away because, for whatever reason, they choose not to listen to you. Then you call in APS. The skin is the largest organ in the body and must be kept clean so that infection can't take hold.

I have resorted to sponge baths with dad. Make sure the room is warm and dry and replace clothing as you go along. It seems to be less stressful on him, he is really afraid of stepping into the tub.

One important Tip "NEVER SHOW ANGER" it would only haunt You after Your Parents have passed on. To answer Your Question, ask a Nurse to call, preferably a very experienced Nurse Who will show You how to encourage Your Mom & Dad to take a shower. This is a very common problem with Our Elders Who have been diagnosed with either dementia or alzheimers.

I had the same problem with my dad more than my mom (went to the nursing home). Dad was living at home with me. Mind you, Dad used to be a clean freak when he was younger. Due to my disability, and even though I hired a caregiver through the agency, it was very hard for both of us to persuade him to take a shower and then change clothes. I used to tell him "Dad, you stink! If you take a shower, then I will stop begging you. Also, I would like to give a hug after you take a shower and shave." Sometimes, it worked. I have learned that it’s best to leave them alone awhile and then compromise with them again later when they are in a good mood.

An outside paid helper may be another option to consider. Major battles of mother fighting with father (dementia) who refused to shower. Had a male helper come in to shower him once a week. Told father the guy was being paid no matter if he showered or not- Dad didn't want to waste the money so he went along with it.

If they have the money, I would not hesitate putting them in a facility equipped to handle their declining mental abilities. You can visit daily, if you wish. But, here's my question, how does one make someone move to a facility? You can't strong arm them. How does one do this?

Theresamore...
Sometimes there is no option but to place someone in Memory Care. The fact that you were trying to care for at least 3 people..Your Mom, Dad and YOU..this does not count any other family you have spouse, children, pets....
You can now be the best advocate for them. You can now care for them without having to worry if you can get them to shower, to brush their teeth, change their clothes, do the laundry....I don't need to go on do I?
Be there as a loving daughter/son. Visit and enjoy your time with them. Let someone else worry about the "other stuff"
I am sure if you could go back with them in time to when they were both well and asked them what they would want you to do in this very situation what would they have wanted you to do? I am sure they would not have wanted you stressed, and worried about all the things that you have been worried about for the last 5 years.
As I have said before and say to my friends...If you can put your head on your pillow at night and say honestly to yourself that you did the best you could given the circumstances then you can rest easy!
Rest easy..sleep well tonight.

Yes, I watch Teepa Snow, she is awesome! Her doctor is not much help. He tells me to be firm with her but that gets her all jacked up. I have met with an attorney and after this past weekend I see no other way but to place them in Assisted Living, they now have a Alzheimer's Center and memory care. It breaks my heart but I guess I am not strong enough to continue the battle.