We just got guardianship of my mother in law. It's been a long and frustrating process. She currently lives with a "friend" about an hour away. He told me today that she is out of cigarettes and since I'm her guardian, I need to be the one purchasing more. She shouldn't be smoking. Not only because it's bad for her, but because her dementia makes her smoking dangerous. I just ignored the request for cigarettes at the moment, but I know I will have to confront him about it eventually. Am I "in the right" to tell him that I will not purchase her cigarettes, legally speaking? Our end goal is to get her into a living facility, but that could take a while. We can't afford one for her and we don't think she can afford one on her disability. Until then, I am a little nervous that he will accuse us of neglect.
I am writing from the perspective of the patient. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ five years ago in June. I am a cigar smoker. I voluntarily surrendered my drivers license last August when our DMV opened for walkin service, but stopped driving on my own back in March of 2020.. I now have to ask my DW or adult children to drive me to buy Lottery tickets twice a month. I solved the issue of buying cigars and having them send me 30 at a time, which lasts me about 1.5 mos. If MIL can't handle ordering them from a tobacco supplier, I'd tell DH, he needs to step up to the plate and arrange a solution to the purchase issue. I understand and respect, the fact that you don't want to be her supplier.
Hopefully, their is some unthought of advice here.
I had to tell him that I was going to leave if he didn’t put his cigarette out in the ER. I told him that he could smoke his brains out once we left the hospital. They knew to put a patch on him once he was admitted because he had such a severe nicotine addiction.
It’s not an easy habit to break.
I have worked with seniors who's family decided that they must quit smoking due to health reasons. The problem is that the senior had been smoking for over 50 years and the family decided they needed to stop, the senior did not want to.
I understand you are the guardian but you need to act in her best interest. Deal with the issues at hand. Try and arranges a smoking schedule for her so it is safe for her to smoke. Find someone else who will purchase them for her so you don't have to do this.
Many non-smokers will say that they want their parents to stop smoking because it is bad for their health. That is true but when I am working with a 90-year-old who has been smoking for over 50 years and the family wants them to stop because it is bad for their health and it could kill them - I just smile and say I don't think that is a reasonable argument at this point in their life.
Try to honor the wishes of your mother-in-law even though it is not what you would want for yourself. Put yourself in her shoes and then make the best decision you can.
Since you are the guardian, I am assuming that means you took control of her money - out of his hand and in to yours. So that means he is correct that you should be buying what she needs. They live together and should be sharing the expenses and especially those that are only for her. It is kind of a neglect if you control the money and the both lived on the money previously.
How much did she smoke? 1/2 pack a day, a pack?? Go ahead and send the money but be specific that the cigarettes need to be doled out over xx period of time. And suggest he make her smoke outside now so she doesn't forget about having one burning in the house.
If she can't afford nursing home on her SSA money, apply for Medicaid to get into a nursing home bed. A doctor would have to say she needs round the clock facility care, so if she's not at that stage yet - she may stay put where she is for a while longer. In most states, Medicaid is not going to pay for assisted living or independent living - it's going to be NH or nothing. Check your state - Medicaid office can answer that question.
Speaking as a former smoker who started in childhood and had a pack a day or more habit for almost 35 years, and a person who has had struggles with obesity, I can say with conviction you don't know what you're talking about.
People can be overweight or even obese for many reasons. It's not always because they eat without restraint night and day.
A person who has a regular cigarette habit does it for one reason. They're an addict. No smoker ever really wants to quit. People who quit do it because they know they have to.
I love smoking. I've loved it since I was 11 years old, but I knew I had to put it down and I did.
I'm not elderly. If some elderly smoker lived long enough to become elderly, then let them have their cigarettes.
Let them have as many as they want. If the mother can't afford to pay for an AL or a nursing home, she won't be able to pay for one if she quits smoking either.
Sure the MIL has the "right" to smoke. It does not mean the SIL should pay for the cigarettes. Sounds like the family already cannot afford a senior living situation, so probably dont have a lot of money around for cigs.
The DIL has no obligation to the MIL or he living companion to buy cigs. If it was me I would say no.
I know there are comments about not knowing what its like to have an addiction. That does not mean DIL, out of her own finances, should buy cigs.
The DIL was awarded guardianship over her MIL which means she also controls her finances.
The MIL is a lifelong smoker and her cigarettes are supposed to be paid for out of her money. It's up to her guardians to make sure it is.
Also, a smoking habit doesn't cost per month what an assisted living facility does.
No smoker ever had a monthly cigarette bill running to $5,000 or $6,000 or $7,000 a month. Assisted living costs or nursing homes cost this much and more.
The 'friend' taking care of the mother is really doing the guardians of her a favor because they don't have to do it themselves. They should just get the cigarettes and leave well enough alone.
The second thing. My mom lived with us the last 3 years of her life. She was a smoker, and an alcoholic. We said NO SMOKING AT ALL in our house--she could go outside to the patio to smoke if she wanted to. BUT we did forbid drinking. She was homeless due to her alcoholism, and injury from when she fell down the stairs, and her debts she had racked up. She tried to apply for disability, but couldn't jump through the right hoops until she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. When my son was born 3 months before she was diagnosed, I told her she had to really limit the smoking and couldn't smoke and then go pick him up--she'd have to wash her hands and mouth because I didn't want nicotine kisses on my baby. I was young and insensitive. I regret it now. I could have handled it much better. In fact, I wish I hadn't tried to limit her even, and let her make adult decisions. I was trying to help her, but I know it wounded her. Addictions are HARD. As I'm now 57, and have struggled with weight all my life, due to my food addictions, I have realized it is the same demons.....just different ways to express them. Have some grace. Obviously you shouldn't use your money--but don't try "saving her money" to get her into AL.....Just let her spend her money for her care and keeping and apply for medicaid.
Her money should be going to whoever is providing her caregiving. The 'friend' is the one who keeps the lights and heat on, a roof over her head, food on the table, and meets her care needs.
Sure, there can be an itemized list made up of what the money is supposed to be used for (rent, food, personal supplies, etc...) but is the caregiving supposed to be free?
No. It's not supposed to be.
This 'friend' is really doing Alazrielle a solid being her mother's caregiver. It's keeping the burden of it off of her and that's certainly worth compensating someone for.
For those newly coming here, the issue is not whether or not to ban smoking, but whether OP would get in trouble if she refuses to spend HER OWN money to buy butts for her MIL. The answer to that should be no, she isn't required, as guardian, to spend her own money on MIL's needs. She is to oversee MIL's income and bills. It would be best to get her off the butts, however that isn't likely to happen in the current living arrangement.
We also don't have any knowledge on how much income MIL has (if profile is MIL, not mother, she is rather young AND on disability, which means her income would likely be very limited.) We also don't know how OP is using any funds MIL gets. Since MIL is currently living with a "friend", we can only assume her small income is being paid to this "friend" for housing, care and food.
Also noted in that comment, MIL had been weaned OFF of butts and was subsidized and enabled by this "friend" to return to smoking, so he'd have a smoking buddy. Either he manages the funds provided for her housing, food and care, and buys them, or he continues to subsidize and enable IMO. She didn't NEED them until he got her back on them. OP should NOT be spending her own money on buying butts for MIL and he should not be demanding that she do so.
(NOTE: non-family guardians, 3rd party, can be appointed by judges. THEY would not be using their own money to subsidize a client. The same would apply to ANYONE who is guardian, family or not. Same with POA - it enables you to manage finances and medical, but does NOT require you to spend your own money on the person nor does it require you to take the person into your home! People can appoint anyone, sometimes their atty - you think that atty is going to pay the person's way or take them in? Not happening!)
This living arrangement was to continue until they can get her in a facility, which could take a while. It would be best to find another place, where there are no smokers, and get her off the butts ASAP, because if she needs MC or NH, she will have to stop smoking anyway.
She smokes and it should be her choice. But the purchase of the cigarettes should come from her disability checks.
You are going to be placing her in a home and they will probably allow her to smoke outside.
So, even tho you don't smoke and smoking isn't good for her, I would say if you're managing her money and she can afford cigarettes with her disability checks then she should be allowed to continue to smoke.
But the way I understood the question, the DIL wanted to know if she should use her OWN money (not the MIL money she manages) to buy cigs. If that is the case, no way. But perhaps I understood the question incorrectly.
Does anyone really think the DIL should use her OWN money, not the money she manages, but her OWN money, to buy cigs for MIL?