I have shared in this forum previously about my MIL's issues with ALZ. Today this post is to share about me. I am 45 yrs. old with 11-year-old and 15-year-old kids. My MIL has been in stage 5, moderate for a very long time. She has been living with the disease for at least 9 years now. She is physically quite healthy and active for a 83 yr. old in spite of the uncontrolled diabetes she has had for 40 yrs. (no heart disease, pressure or any diabetes complications). So, she might carry on with ALZ for more years I guess. She spends 5 months each in our house and my husband’s brother. The sons will not put MIL in a nursing home due to cultural reasons. I have shared before with all of you of her cursing me and the other daughter in law 24/7 either for the food we cook or that we are stealing her clothes. We cook everyday dreading what yelling we will encounter. I am used to her calling me devil, who*e and other curse words all the time. Since the sight of me makes her go berserk, I am mostly huddled up in my room or I take my two kids out for activities and escape my house. I never have dinner with family because if I sit at the dinner table it is a nightmare, listening to the abuse about the food we cook. Our family has turned quite dysfunctional, only my husband and MIL eat together. Everybody else eats at their own time. Both me and husband work from home and have very busy jobs. I do most of the cooking and cleaning for the family. However, because my husband fears his mother hurling abuse about food (she thinks all cooked food is 6 months old or tastes bad), he whips up something fresh for her lunch and dinner every day. All she does is curse (swearing and curses that evil things happen to me or that I should get a disease and die, let someone shoot you, something falls on your head, let your kids illtreat you, etc.). Even in her sleep, and in her prayers, I can see her muttering to God to give me the worst suffering (I sometimes think it’s hilarious.). She does not curse her own children, it's only the daughter in-laws and her own mother-in-law, sister in laws etc., I used to be patient with her all the time, right from the beginning of this disease and never retort back, in part because my husband wouldn’t let me, and I wanted to keep family peace. Rarely when it used to get to my nerves, and I would say something he would swing right back at me in support his mother. Since we are both in the same house working from home, he is around all the time and if I say something, it will become an ugly fight between us which I don’t want my kids to endure. But in the last several months, I think something strange has happened to me. Even when my MIL is yelling like crazy onto my face, I don’t feel like saying anything in return. It’s like I have no energy to fight, or I feel frozen. I feel even if she attacks me, I will just stay frozen and not defend back. I was a highly organized, fast, multi-tasking person before. But now, I am noticing my office work is suffering, deadlines are missing, missing kid’s deadlines (like when they are absent at school, I am forgetting to call the school and the school staff is upset and calling me), forgetting about library books, forgetting to cancel extracurricular lessons, and getting non-refunds now, misplacing things in the house. I am turning forgetful, and I cannot multi-task like before. I can only do one thing at a time. I am on the internet countless hours searching non relevant stuff and office work is suffering. I used to take showers everyday but these days I don’t realize that I haven’t showered in like two or three days. I recently got an auto immune disorder Alopecia areata where I am losing hair in patches. I don’t know if it has something to do with my stress. I tried a few counselling sessions, but it didn’t help. I don’t think I am depressed. But something is wrong with me, and I cannot diagnose what and what I should do.
Well sister you got it in spades!
I think the reaction (or non reaction) you are having now is much like an abused dog would eventually have. They give up the fight and submit.
I would hate to think that is going or is happening to you.
During the 5 months that MIL is "visiting" is there any way you can take the kids and go to a friends house? A relative? Get a short term rental?
The exposure your kids are getting is not healthy mentally for them.
If this is what they know and think is "normal" I can see this happening to them or they are going to subject their spouse to the same thing, Do you want that for another person?
I also think it is unfair to MIL to not be getting proper care, not that you and you husband are not caring for her but someone that has that much anxiety, fear, anger should be properly medicated to relieve some of that fear, anxiety for their own mental health.
If you have not talked to a therapist you should although...if you can not do anything to change the situation talking is just talking.
Your mother in law DESERVES better medical treatment than she's getting. Your husband's family sound like a bunch of real jerks.
AND you, my poor, patient friend, have all the symptoms of very deep depression. Please get yourself to a psychiatrist, for the sake of your children if you can't see why you should go for yourself.
The damage that living with the loathing of your mother-in-law (and your husband's support of her abuse) is doing to your kids is immeasurable.
It teaches a daughter to expect abuse.
It teaches a son that it's okay to debase your partner.
"By keeping your mother here abusing me, our children, and family life, you are doing PERMANENT damage to our marriage and family."
Repeat it every single day, because it's true. Tell your sister-in-law to adopt the same technique with her husband.
There are options for her living situation, customs be d*mned. There is no reason why you have to accept her abuse, Alzheimers or not, and your husband is complicit in that abuse if he refuses to do anything about it.
He can care for his loved one by putting her in Memory Care where they know how to handle this behavior, and using the cultural reasons is a cop-out.
Is she getting ANY kind of management of those symptoms?
Does HER doctor know about how abusive she is of you?
Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist for evaluation of your depression and PTSD.
Next, you need to see a lawyer.
Find a divorce attorney and get the paperwork started on a legal separation. Your husband will have to leave with his mother.
Your husband pays for the home you are living in and provides financial support for the children.
He also pays for therapy for you and the children.
Your MIL may have have dementia, but it sounds as though there is mental illness in play as well.
Time to get your priorities straight, your children should be #1, either she goes or you go, taking your children with you.
You are burned out and this will not get better as long as you stay in this toxic enviornment.
You won't change your husband, or your MIL so change the situation. At 83 she could live another 10-15 years and the situation won't improve.
I agree, maybe time to leave and take you kids because I agree, they too are suffering. This is not a good home environment. MIL should not be holding all the cards. And, you are not going to be able to leave her alone much longer and guess who will be expected to give up their job to care for her.
I may see a divorce lawyer just to see what ur options are. I took would find a nice apt you can afford. DH will have to pay support. You need to do this for yourself. You don't have to actually divorce but tell DH you will return when MIL is no longer there.
Please see your PCP and get a referral to a psychologist or someone who can guide you out of this nightmare you have been living. You and the kids deserve so much more.
I'm so sorry for your valid struggles and pray you'll do something to change the situation. It's not impossible once you get your self esteem back that's been stripped away from you. God bless
What does your sil say? Could the 2 of you confront the brothers together?
What culture is this that allows abuse by elders?
My co-sister goes to office and hides there from early morning until late evening to escape from MIL. However, her husband is much more supportive to her. There is abuse going on at their house too, but I think the brother has a stronger personality than my husband and doesnt let the abuse escalate. And he doesnt yell at his wife.
Reg culture that allows elders to abuse, the issue is I am letting people run over me because I dont want to create unnecessary confrontation in the house and letting my children suffer. Like Alvadeer said, my life is a sacrifice for my children but I dont know how long I can go on like this.
And I dont respect any culture thay allows blatant abuse to happen. His mother may have dementia but I bet she was always a nasty person even before it got worse.
On the plus side you have a job so you arent relying on him for money. Just find a small 2 bedroom place for you and the kids and get out of there.
As AlvaDeer urged, see your doctor SOON. Your physical and mental health are in danger.
Your current living conditions sound to me like a prisoner under torture. Nothing less than that.
I cannot imagine anyone living like this and maintaining either physical health or sanity.
I do understand the cultural dictate involved. But you seem to be sacrificing both your own mental and physical health to your MIL I wish you well, but this is beyond human indurance, and your venting it to us cannot help you I fear. Please see your medical doctor and your psychologist and show them a copy of what you have written here to us. The dreadful truth is that living in this manner may kill you. And when you are gone, this old world will just keep spinning without you. You MUST act for yourself.
When I listen to what you have written us I cannot help seeing your own MIL during the time she must have served out her own sentence to a tyrannical MIL. For, as you admit, this is cultural. People once did not live so long as they do now, so perhaps she survived it more easily.
Joann once said that she’s not above a little threat. It will be more effective if sh delivers it. As in any more swearing or insulting or throwing crying fits means she’s going to a home. Or you will leave.