I apologize for the long post, but I'm at a loss on how to proceed.
I recently moved across the country to start a family with my partner after a year of long distance. He is wonderful in every way, however his mother lives with us as she is considered disabled. She is extremely abusive/controlling and blames her disability when we try to set boundaries or address her behavior. She's independent enough to care for herself, clean and use power tools for yardwork despite our objections.
She has been this way her whole life prior to any disability according to my partner, and we're unsure what her actual diagnosis is. She called him after decades of no contact saying he was now responsible for taking care of her, and without any other living family he felt he had no choice. She receives state assistance but not enough to live off, and she's independent enough to have her own bank accounts so there is no guardianship or POA. When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself.
There is an extremely unhealthy dynamic of guilt and abuse involved, and she does not hide her dislike for me. When I first moved up and joined the household, I tried to connect with her through shopping trips, coffee dates, shared interest of gardening and crafts, etc. but when I started my career and couldn’t take her out or spend money on her she changed completely.
For example, she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors, but she is inconsolable and only escalates further). He and I both work full time 50+ hours per week and pay all the bills/groceries, and he works a high stress job at a hospital in the OR. He's not even able to take a break most days, so her expectations are completely unreasonable and controlling. She also will take his car without permission even though her license has been expired for 5+ years, and there's no telling her no without a huge outburst.
He used to shut down when she explodes but has been doing more to try and "greyrock" while setting healthy boundaries, and he's becoming more aware of her abuse for what it is. Nobody else was ever around to witness it - he is an only child and she's single, so it's been easier on him to just concede to her behavior to avoid conflict. He feels responsible for her behavior and constantly apologizes to me for it. As someone who had an abusive father, I've been gently trying to reinforce that he's not responsible for her behavior nor is it his fault, and he deserves a peaceful home.
I tried to set a boundary that we would not continue any conversations if she continued yelling and being aggressive (she will bang on our bedroom door until we answer her). She called me manipulative, narcissistic, smug, sarcastic, and a b***h repeatedly, and then threatened to slap me across the face. Her next words were that she "knew exactly how to take care of the problem" in reference to me, which is terrifying.
I don't know her well enough to know what she might do as I've only been living with her for 3 months. I told her as calmly as I could that I would not tolerate threats of violence and if she did it again, I would report her to authorities, and we would find other options for her housing. It feels extreme on my part, but I don't know what else to do as it's not the first time. I don't feel safe having my cat around her, let alone any future children. My partner and I dread going home and feel trapped and drained. We don't make enough combined to support a second lease.
I love my partner and do not want to leave; we both deserve happiness and a future together. Despite her abusive behavior I do care about her health and wellbeing. What can we do?
I think Ventingisback is spot on in everything she has said about this situation.
The OP had an online, one-year, long-distance, "relationship" which in reality doesn't look so great feet on the ground.
Mother who is "disabled" (though her son can't say in what way) lives with son. Yet OP thought this was a good partner with whom to "start a family".
Mother who has "been this way all her life" is a bit unhinged at worst, unpredictable at best.
Yet OP wonders now what to do?
The options seem clear.
Mother has "been this way all her life", so that's unlikely to change.
Son has been this way all HIS life, so that's unlikely to change.
Now OP can stay and complicate this further by bringing innocent children into the equation or she can tell herself "Whoops, I will never move myself cross country again for a guy before checking the sitch out first".
Some of our lessons are learned the hard way.
Your insight into this situation caused me to look at this from a different angle. What some people consider a long distance relationship nowadays consist of a texting variety. Texting does not provide a realistic view of a person or a situation you will be walking into. People still have real life situations, but if a person is dating via online, skype or texting, this is not a good foundation for starting a relationship.
I think OP may have walked into a situation not fully knowing the full truth of what was actually going on behind the scenes of the screen. This man's mother seems like a real nightmare. It would have been doable if she just went for a couple of visits to see the true nature of the situation. You don't walk into a situation blindsightedly.
You made a mistake. This is not the life you want. Give your partner an ultimatum: her or you. When he TAKES ACTION and gets her out of his house, then you can consider a future with him again. Until then, you're being naive.
I hope this blunt answer helps.
But OP gets something out of this, too: a place to stay, a roof over her head.
If OP had lots of money, of course she would have left the house already. No one wants to live in an abusive situation.
OP is trying to kick out MIL.
MIL is trying to kick out OP.
The house belongs to the boyfriend. He decides.
The woman threatened you and you are in fear for yourself and the cat. Your marriage to her son will not change that.
You don't have a marriage. You don't have a mother-in-law. You don't have safety in your home.
RUN!
”MIL” is trying to make things as uncomfortable as possible for OP, so OP leaves.
"When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself."
"she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors"
” Get to the chopper!”.
”Scotty, beam me up.”
Your concern and care for the beast doesn't stop her from eating you alive. Please run for your life. If the cub is smart, he'll follow you.
GET OUT.
You have a responsibility as a pet parent to keep your cat safe.
If you don't feel safe with this woman around your cat, don't even think about bringing a baby into the situation. You will have to worry about an unhinged woman putting your child in danger every single day. You will probably get pressure from your partner to let her see/watch the baby, and with her history of unwise driving/ power tool use/ angry threats, you will be stressed every day of your life.
Leave now, find a place for you and your cat, and chalk this up to a valuable life lesson.