Background: Wife ill with Schzophrenia for the past 25 yrs. Over this time, she was in a mental ward twice, police called 4 times and nothing I've done to get help works. She won't stay on meds. She hallucinates, has long daily conversations with herself, no friends, no family connections. All 3 of our kids have "fled" from her. She is verbally abusive, irate, unreasonable, and has grandiose hallucinations that she is Queen of England, Jesus etc. Her favorite activity is demoralizing me, accusing me of everything from being gay (I am not) to having affairs with every female she knows including my own daughter etc. She is ultra paranoid-doesn't leave the house, believes neighbor is an alien etc. She relies on me for all basic needs. She has no social interaction other than talking/seeing son a few times a year and her sisters many years ago
In 2022, my son helped get her on meds for a while (she will do things for him, not me). A year ago, I took her to ER for pain; they found a lump in her breast. She refused all treatment- wouldn't even get other tests to see if it was cancer. I couldn't force her even though I tried. I made her do a telehealth call with Oncologist and she hid behind a door during the call.
Fast forward- cancer metastasized to all her bones- Stage 4 . I got her into a hospital for 6 weeks recently and no one there could convince her to get help either. They did what they could and sent her home. Now I am caring for her 24/7 with nurse wound care coming in (Her breast is rotting off) and Hospice care several times a week. She can barely walk now and is in a lot of pain. She refuses to believe she has cancer but knows she is sick and thinks she will get over it. I now have to do everything which is fine except she scolds me for not helping her to the bathroom correctly, straightening her bed right, or picking up a piece of lint on the floor - you name it. I'm constantly attacked, told I am an idiot and at fault for everything. Still- I love her and hate seeing her suffer so I put up with it. I cook all meals, manage her meds, clean up her accidents, help her to bathroom, rub her legs, wash her hair, etc. but still it's never good enough. I do this all alone- no family or friends are helping
When she came home from the hospital her 4 sisters did visit (from Canada). Once back, they began texting me daily and demanding that my wife facetime them everyday. Wife won't answer her phone and says she doesn't want to talk to them. I did force her to talk to them a few times but then she was hysterical afterwards and berated me for hours, told me I am having an affair with them and it was "illegal" to text her sisters. I told the sisters this, even sent recordings of her hysteria and saying she didn't want to talk to them but they still blamed me that they couldn't talk to her. The sisters are also demanding I put her in a facility but I know my wife will be worse off there- she is most stable at home and I care for her better than the hospital did. The sisters then called my oldest daughter (who lives in town) but hasn't seen us for for over 10 years. When I told daughter her mom was in the hospital several months ago, she only conversed by text for a few days and then told me not to contact her anymore...that she would reach out if she wanted more info on her mom. But now, since her aunts called, daughter has decided to take over. Demanded I put mom in a facility and told me I was "cheap" because I didn't. (Money is not the issue) When I said I was skeptical of her concern, she went ballistic, called APS and said I was mentally/physically abusing my wife! APS came twice and unfortunately my schzophrenic wife did not help matters as she is a complainer about everything. The report came back that charges are dropped for physical abuse, dropped for "no proper care" yet on the mental abuse charge it was "inconclusive". What can I do? It is just too much to bear. I am falsely accused
I read most of the posts and my heart is just breaking for you!
You are simply and angel on earth. I'm pretty sensitive and usually the one who does all the CG in my extended family--but I would not do as much as you are doing.
Maybe it's not love anymore--who even knows what form love takes? But it is most definitely the most unconditional 'love' of care I think I have read on this site.
I'm sure you will do what is best and right for your wife and your situation. It's amazing how much we will put up with when handed terrible things to deal with.
Shoot, my DH won't even talk to me if he's out of sorts, much less actually CARE for me if I am sick. You, sir are a saint.
I hope, for your own sake, that you receive some counseling of some type starting as soon as possible. Getting ready for the big 'boom' that will come when your wife dies. The anticipatory grief is often much worse than the real thing. Grieving what could have, should have, might have been--and wasn't. And beating yourself up over not being more for your LO.
You can rest assured you have done enough and more than enough. I can only add my prayers to you that this will end soon and as peacefully as possible. I also hope you can mend fences with your kids. Obviously, they were very affected by their mom's mental illnesses. Hopefully you can then move forward and have a life that so long has been out of reach.
((Hugs))
Have you looked into the insurance aspect of in-patient hospice?
There is something called the community spouse (that would be you), and how you separate and keep so much assets so that you will not become impoverished by your wife's medical expenses.
I cannot explain it, but let someone know if you have not done the financial planning for the next step. Or in the search bar, try "community spouse".