I have been caring for elderly parents since 2018. I managed when my mother had Alzheimer's and did the best I could until she passed away. Now I am responsible for my dad that I have almost no relationship with after my parents divorced 40+ years ago. This is taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I am struggling with taking care of someone I don't know or even like. It is affecting my work, home life, and marriage. I don't know how to maintain my sanity.
Please consider that you are NOT responsible for him. He's an adult. He had his WHOLE life to plan for his old age. If YOU were the plan, you needed advance notification.
Practice saying "no, I can't do that. You'll have to make other arrangements.'
Are you though?
In what way?
Legal responsibility? As Guardian?
Or Legal Power of Attorney?
Society expectations? Expected by your wider family? Because you are a daughter (or son)?
Because HE expects it?
You are not obligated to run yourself into the ground for what is basically a sperm donor. He sired you but he is NOT your dad.
All HIS way. Need it now etc.
Little thanks & a lot of complaints.
Any other options were shot down. Taxi. Meals on wheels. Grocery deliveries. Senior centre for company. Only wanted his son to be servant.
I mention this in case this is similar for you?
You do not want to do it so you can either choose to be a care martyr or you can choose to not be.
There are options. Homecare (that your father pays for not you). Or he can be placed in the appropriate living to meet his care needs. If he needs LTC or memory care, find a facility for him. If he still has some level of independence, look to assisted living or even senior housing. Or you could call it a day entirely and let him become a ward of the state. If you're his POA, you can easily get yourself removed by going to the lawyer who did the POA or by going to the probate court and removing yourself fro it that way.
Don't become a martyr though. When people do they ruin more than just their life. The ruin the lives of everyone who loves them.
Please consider counseling so that you can have healthy boundaries.
I have read your responses to the answers below.
It is rare that those of us on the Forum, given our diversity of age, race, creed, and even country, agree. But all here seem to agree, and I will add that I do as well. There is no reason for you to continue in this care. It is self-harming behavior.
You have made choices and as an adult you are RESPONSIBLE for your own choices. We are a Forum. We cannot make choices for you.
You are not responsible for your father and no child is. In fact, it is PARENTS who are responsible for CHILDREN, not the other way around. When you bring, by purpose or accident, a new being into this world you OWE that helpless child a support, love, attention, a home until they reach age of majority. They then fly the nest. The contract is OVER.
Someone below has asked you to consider just WHY you are doing this care of your father, and you answer that ALL the reasons mentioned are why you are doing so.
The responder's point was that these are NOT valid reasons to continue caring for someone who isn't deserving nor owed your care.
I am certain you realize that many elders HAVE NO CHILDREN. They therefore are dependent on the help of the state for their support when they cannot function. That is the same help your father, if you move 1,000 miles away (I recommend that) can avail himself of.
Only you can make choices for your own life. I hope you will get support in doing so. Playing this forward generationally will harm your own family.
Forty years have gone by since mom and dad split. You and dad didn't see each other much. And now - wait for it - YOU are obligated to take care of him in his old age, including keeping him from being bored! If the tables were turned, would he be taking care of you? No.
You need to summon the courage to back out of this unfair deal. He'll find someone else to take care of him. Narcissists always do.
You deserve a life that doesn't revolve around this jerk. There's one out there, but you have to jettison him first. You can do it! Get started on that project right away. The light at the end of the tunnel is beckoning and bright.
He can only abuse you and cause you anxiety if you allow it.
If other family or people don't like this or will judge it, so what? Tell them they can go do it. This all may seem so hard for you (due to F.O.G.) and perhaps complex trauma, dysfunction and codependency. This is why I suggested counseling.
You DO have control. Claim it.
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