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You should have your brother read this post because you've explained yourself pretty well.
If everyone wants to help with the holiday decorating, the cooking, and the cleaning, then pull out all the decorations and do it up. Not if they don't though.
Tell your mother these EXACT words as kindly as you can:

'Mom, I think it's a great idea that we should decorate for Christmas and celebrate. I know you can't do it yourself and I'll help. I can't get out all the decorations or do all the cleaning up, but I'll certainly help'.

Then stick to your word. Don't let her guilt or scapegoat you into become a seasonal slave to her dream Christmas. If she can't respect your boundaries then don't do anything for the holiday.
My mother always ruined the holidays for me since I was a little kid. I was never allowed to enjoy them because they were always just about her depression and how much work she had to do.
Then as I got older the holidays were basically me driving myself into exhaustion doing everything while at the same time making it look like she was doing it.
Then I met the love of my life. A nice Jewish man and I converted. Christmas is coming and my elderly mother has been bringing her A-game with the guilt-tripping. I told her that I'll be doing Christmas day like a proper Jew. Having Chinese food with my husband and son. The rest of my family can do Christmas for her.
If your mother won't be reasonable and understand that you're not going be a holiday slave, then maybe you should light the menorah, get some Chinese food and the family can have a Jewish Christmas.
I remember the first year I did this with my husband and his family. We were just dating then. It was the best "Christmas" I ever had.
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Summernole Nov 2022
It sounds like you are happy now with your Jewish celebrations at Christmas. That is wonderful. Thanks for the advice.
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This is a disaster already. Can you alert brother’s family and plan a day of everyone coming over to put up her decorations, then another day to come over and take them down afterward? It’s too bad that mom expects you to handle all this yourself. Christmas with old people is so stressful!
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Summernole Nov 2022
I like your idea of having the family come help with the decorations but I don't think my Mom will. My brother works long hours and she never wants to ask too much of him. He also has his own home to decorate. I will figure something out.
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You don't provide any information about whether your Mother has a diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment but it sounds like she could have the beginnings of dementia by what you describe.

The caregiving arrangement has to work for both parties. Sounds like it is not working for you rirght now. I strongly recommend getting her tested so you know what you're dealing with. I learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. There are ways to interact with our LOs with dementia to make everyday engagement more peaceful and productive. She can't help having dementia. You need to alter your strategy and perceptions so that you don't burn out.

When my MIL was in decline, I arrranged a special decorating day with her and her grandkids. I put on Christmas music and made cookies for them (or they made "easy" cookies together). You don't have to get her "buy in" for plans -- do what is the least stressful for you. There are no wrong answers.
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Summernole Nov 2022
Mom was diagnosed with mild cognitive disorder. She seems pretty sane but has zippo energy and her memory is bad. My brother and his wife both work and are busy. Mom would not want me to ask them to come help decorate. His children are grown and have moved away. I have no children and Mom has no grandchildren so having them all come over and decorate will not work. I will do the best I can.
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