I am trying to be a good citizen and have hunkered down with DH for the last 2,000 days (maybe it just seems that long). I wear a mask if I go anywhere and really limit shopping or errands. So, although I am not perfect, I'm definitely trying!
My problem is--I can 'fake' it during the days. I make goodies every week and take them around the neighbrohood, I made cloth masks for everyone who asked.. I made 100 medical grade masks in a huge group effort to get more of them into the system...people actually look to me as a voice of reason...BUT
I am a mess. I go to bed, have a hard time falling asleep and then BAM, almost every night I wake up in full heart pounding panic attacks. Last night it went on for over 2 hours. Since my chemo last year I am more prone to these, one of the lovelier side effects that doesn't appear to be disappating.
I got up, prayed, walked around, tried all the things I usually do to quell a panic attack and finally, at about 5 pm, it calmed down enough that I could sleep.
I DO take a benzodiazepene for anxiety, but there are only X many I can have per month and the worry I will run out before the end of the month adds to my anxiety. I ended up taking 3 mgs last night--and that didn't STOP the atack, just kind of zoned me out.
Has anybody else just felt this sense of, well, not doom, because I know we're going to come out of this sooner rather than later--I don't know how to describe it---like a huge black cloud has settled over my soul. Maybe I should talk to someone about this (I also have a therapist that will do online visits-but I'm not sure that would be the same as being in her office.
I guess I need to know I am not alone--My Dh pretty much ignores me and does what he wants/needs to do. Most days he's not out of bed before noon. The WFH thing hasn't been to good for him, he NEEDS to be on site. I'm not used to having him home, so we're trying to work through that.
I guess I just need some words of support. I am not afraid of catching this, but I respect the rules.
I'm just sick, sick, sick---just got over chemo for cancer and this hits--I guess I just want some normalcy after a year of 'not normal'.
Many of you will relate to this: what are you doing to quell the anxiety?
Let me commend you for taking positive action in your life during a really stress-filled time in history. Your recent history of dealing with cancer, chemo, caring your your husband, and now COVID-19 protocols... Wow! So many stressors in such a short span of time. You acknowledge that this is difficult for you. We are all having difficulty to some degree. I say this so you know, you are not alone in this feeling. You also have the courage to write in an attempt to get help and deal with the unpleasantness of life right now.
As a healthcare professional, let me give you some facts to remember (and hopefully soothe) when you feel afraid of COVID-19. You are already doing the best solution for prevention: wearing a mask in public, washing your hands frequently, and maintaining social distancing. If everybody else in your sphere does the same, you have decreased your chance of getting the disease to less than 1.5%. Good job! Keep it up until there is a vaccine available or until you both test positive for antibodies, Most folks have already had such a mild case that they already have beat the disease and have immunity that they are unaware.
My daughter has both depression and anxiety. She currently lives in South Korea with her husband and has had to deal with medical isolation a lot longer than I have in the States. She tries to get some fresh air and sunshine daily. She is exercising more and makes sure to eat a healthy diet. She used to be on medications, but is off them and does well as long as she manages her triggers. She is learning to keep positive, mentally-healthy, helpful people in her life. She is currently doing talk therapy online with a therapist to help deal with this pandemic as well as recovering from a toxic friendship. If her symptoms get bad, she knows to get help and take her medications.
Two things I encourage my daughter, myself, and those I care about:
1 - Develop your spiritual life. Pray, focus on helpful Bible verses, and develop a relationship with Jesus.
2 - Develop your social/support base. Reach out to fill your life with the caring friends and family who not only rely on you... but allow you to lean on them. During this social distancing time, having good people in your life is vital.
Isaiah 41:10 “Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be
anxious for I am your God. I will fortify you, yes I
will help you. I will really hold on to you with my
right hand of righteousness.”
Philippians 4:6,7 “Do not be anxious over anything, but in
everything by prayer and supplication along with
thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to
God; and the peace of God that surpasses all
understanding will guard your hearts and your
mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.”
I also find this website jw.org to be an excellent tool in finding comforting Bible verses. I hope this helps.
I'm going to start reading the Chicken Soup anecdotes every morning.
In fact, given the frustration that DH is causing you, perhaps you might very secretly start your own collection of his activities, not necessarily to publish, but to channel your anxiety. I can see an anecdote about his cleaning approach to the garage.
A series that I've found very helpful throughout any kind of tragedy, frustration, incompetence at a high level, or with people, are the Trevor Greive books, illustrated with cute, clever, sometimes adorable and sometimes laughable animals.
It's not a book in the sense of a plot, or extensive reading. Each animal photo illustrates a particular point, or thought.
https://www.thriftbooks.com/a/bradley-trevor-greive/217253/
I find humor just by skimming through this website; one of my favorite book covers is "Dieting Causes Brain Damage." I don't have the book...yet.
The Blue Day Book was especially helpful; it was a gift from close friends after my sister died. I still skim through it every now and then.
As I said you need to research the supplements that you take. Not everyone can grow their own food and I don't think that all organic food is as organic as we are led to believe.
The soil is depleted and can not provide all the nutrients that we require.
Bobbie, my vegetarian sister almost died from mineral deficiency and she lived a healthy, wholesome life and ate expensive organic foods. Our soils are depleted and the food can not provide all the nutrients that we require. She needed to take supplements to save her life.
Obviously you need to research the supplements that you are taking to ensure that they are being monitored by some oversight to ensure they are what they say they are.
Do the research, it is readily available.
And because it is still unclear how long the virus lingers in the air (3 hours, the governor of NY has been told).
And because it is still unclear if having it once grants immunity.
And because there is no treatment. And no vaccine.
Everyday I hear about transitions and that saddens me. I wish I didn’t get the daily news with the numbers but I did slow down the news. I rarely watch the news anymore.
im staying at home and slowing down to enjoy the time I have left. I can’t waste it worrying. Heck I could have an accident anytime and be outta here so this little piece of time left I’m gonna enjoy and live.
Watering my vegetable garden that I started, Calling old friends, listening to good music that fills my soul and writing to loved ones to share happy memories.
In short live. You are here now so be here and give all the love you can. ❤️
But just thinking about it redirects my thoughts and soothes my mind.
Couple of nights ago I was up for several hours wiht full blown heart pounding panic attack. I did finally get it calmed down, but the next day was awful and I woke up AGAIN--but dealt wiht it and it went away, but I didn't sleep. Yesterday I was just SICK...lack of sleep and stress---I told DH where the leftovers were and went to bed at 5 pm. Slept like a rock for several hours and woke up once with a panic attack just starting to get me...I took benzo and laid there and did my deep breathing exercises. Had a better night.
I will be contacting my psych doc. He will NOT EVER give me one single more benzo that I am already prescribed (although my PCP would--but I cannot play one against another!)--maybe I need a beta blocker again. I don't know.
Dh and I were going to gut the garage and take a lozd to the dump. He went instead and bought a big tool chest and had to raise the workbench to fit it over this massive thing. The garage looks 100xs worse than before, I want to cry, I KNOW he won't finish this job and the garage will be a hot mess for months. The kicker is: My DH doesn't USE the tools he has. Ever. We don't NEED this thing! I threw away a ton of gardening stuff that I will not use, all my garden tcotckes and extra pots--using maybe 3 small shelves. He blames ME for the fact the garage is always messy...he's not wrong, I'm the only one who uses it! And, no I don't always clean up after myself. But I cleaned a lot and threw away a lot--but he has junk spread from heck to breakfast. I can't look at it.
I'm not doing ANY compassionate service projects this week--I need to calm down. I'm also praying that DH gets to go back to work in the EMPTY warehouse his company has had him working at. He'd be gone all day and I am really needing a break from him.
We'll see a few of our grands today, but not all. One family--they don't feel the other family has quarantined properly, so they won't come down.
Thanks for just letting me rant. I know nobody can do anything for me, but it fels good to just be able to say what I feel. DH thinks my panic attacks are stupid, and I just need to relax. Well, I try to relax and he's constantly coming after me to come help him do something or run to the hardware store.
Funny--what I REALLY wanted him to do was build a very simmple gate next to the garage so we could have some concrete space to put the trash cans, etc. $1000 later and that gate is nowhere near being done. FIRST he has to organize his garage and then he can think about the stupid gate.
The gate would have cost me $800 from a contractor. Dh said that was waaay too much, but it will cost me another $1000 before he's finished doing his garage cleanout. IF he finishes!
You just got off of the scariest roller coaster ride of your life. You were ready for some stability. It’s normal for you not to want the ups and downs for awhile. You had no choice but to be back on the roller coaster.
I know that you are grateful that your chemo was successful but the fear of the cancer returning is always in the back of one’s mind. It’s not being negative. It’s acceptance of a possible future reality.
So, this coronavirus may have pushed you close to the edge. It happens. You reached your threshold and had a panic attack.
I have been sewing masks too. It’s a good feeling to help but you may need to do something else to disconnect from the Covid-19. Mask making is a constant reminder of it.
Maybe you could sew little stuffed animals for children to play with. I love sewing those. Look online for free patterns. Years ago I made several for children in a Head Start program. I bet lots of young children who are quarantined would love them.
I think the majority of us have some anxiety in this awful situation and I think some of us have more reasons than others with valid concerns for our health. You fall into that category. Your anxiety is going to fluctuate.
You just got over chemo. You are vulnerable emotionally and physically. Let’s face it, the timing stinks! You didn’t get a breather before you had to jump back in.
I understand your concerns about meds. I think you will receive a variety of opinions on this forum. Some people strongly believe in meds, others do not. It’s fine to ask how others feel but I feel that your doctor would be the best person to answer your questions about meds.
Could you do a telehealth appointment? That’s the first thing that I would look into. You may need a different med than you are taking or something else in addition to what you are taking.
Talking to a therapist is an excellent idea. They are scheduling telehealth appointments. Take advantage of that.
You mentioned prayers. Do you think it would help to speak to clergy as well? Or stream your church service to view.
I am sorry that you are struggling with these attacks.
Also, I would not consider taking any supplements before speaking to your doctor. Supplements can be useful but there are situations where they are not suitable and can actually cause harm. Again, I feel that your doctor who knows your personal history is best to speak to first in these circumstances.
I wish you well, Mid. Please let us know how you are doing. We care! 💗
I still do that once in a while, I overdue and then feel lousy and don't respect that I am still healing!
Last couple of nights were better. I took my antidepressants at bedtime and maybe that helped. Also spent longer praying than I 'normally' do.
I have some Mormon Tabernacle choir music on my phone and listened to that as I feel asleep. My brother sang with them for 20 years and while I can't hear HIM, I know he's 'there' and I feel calmer.
I have noticed that every night I've had panic attacks, I had watched TV right before bed. I sleep in a separate bedroom than DH as he has to have the TV on if he is home and I could do without one in the house at all. I don't watch videos or anything, I read. But last week he wanted me to watch a couple of shows--one was just a dumb sci-fi but the other was a VERY violent movie that I left half way in. I've always been super-empathetic, what a curse! But I do try to be a good friend and neighbor--I just can't 'not' feel what they feel. I am taking this week off from being 'gregarious' and taking care of me.
I will still call my dr. My daughter suggested that maybe a beta blocker would help--she had awful panic attacks a few years ago and she said those helped a lot.
Thanks, to all of you, for taking time to respond to me. I love this community--no judging, just common sense approaches and kindness!
https://youtu.be/HVailav65Fc
Calm has free meditations right now. I get them in my email and they are free I do not subscribe. I like them. I am new at that kind of thing but it helps. Hubby's at home here too. We are going they junk in the garage. What fun. Not. Hang in there sugar!
I think your feeling the way you are because you just went through a life altering experience and then Covid-19 hit and just when your life started to make sense again it got turned upside down with Covid and DH being home! You have shown all of us just how strong you really are because YOU showed cancer who was boss!
I think the black cloud you feel is just all the crazy changes you have gone through and perhaps not being able to just run to the store or whatever it is that you like to do--you can't...we all are feeling some kind of feelings about how we can't do whatever is our normal.
As much as we love our hubby's or SO they can be a pain when they are home to much because we are just not use to it and it throws us for a loop. Just try to relax, deep breathes, and light a few purple and white candles to clean the air and talk to your therapist.
I suffer from anxiety as well and it can be difficult, but I have found that if I keep my brain busy I have less attacks. I lose myself in watching a good TV show, movies, reading a book, playing a game on my phone, go for a walk or drive, doing house projects, cooking and/or baking my list goes on and on, but you get my point!
I think you will feel better when DH goes back to work and you can go back to doing the things and going to the places you like.
Side note: Some Benzos can make anxiety attacks worst...for me there is only one kind of Benzo I can take because the other ones seem to make me have anxiety attacks, if that makes sense.
Hugs!!
You have so many layers of things that could cause you extra anxiety- don't try to do this alone, especially if you already have a therapist you like.
I am completely obeying the orders for our state. we have a very small # of cases and very few deaths--and I believe all were older, ill people.
I understand the 'math' and I do not listen to Dr Fauci at all--I think he's enjoying his time in the spotlight, but he's just terrifying us all.
I laid down to rest after delivering the masks and hitting the grocery store. Konked out for 3 solid hours. I'm up now, but feel like I could just go to bed, for the night.
Having my DH home all the time is really hard. He's messy and loud and is not the least bit sympathetic (not shocking to know, this is definitely just as hard to be quarantined with as I had thought).
I think I am just going through something--probably doing way too much to keep myself distracted. And I am still heaing from chemo, so I don't know what it chemo 'leaving' and just being anxious.
Appreciate the comments and will try some meditation pocasts my daughter swears by!
I got an Rx for Ativan and learned that I had to take it as soon as I felt like things were ramping up. Someone had put the fear of addiction in me and I was waiting too long to take the medication.
I called our Provincial Crisis Line several times. Some of those calls were an hour or more, but it gave me a lifeline.
I had months of intensive therapy.
People tried to push meditation on me, but it caused me more frustration.
What eventually worked was the Ocean. Being near the Ocean has always been the place that soothed my soul. I would take the dog at the crack of dawn and watch the sunrise at the beach. I would walk until the sun was high in the sky.
All my senses were soothed, the smell of the salt water and seaweed, the feel of a breeze and sea spray, the sound of the waves, birds and the wind, the rhythmic sight of the waves, the birds in the sky and the sun rising into the sky and yes, even taste, I would pick berries along the shore.
I read a post on Facebook the other day that really resonated with me. It was refuting the comment that we are all in the same boat with Covid-19. It went on to say we are each in our own boat, that has different provisions in the same storm. I was doing ok, until my son was called back to work. Now I am alone with the critters and struggling to accomplish the most basic task.
Just as you came through your cancer treatment, you will come through this, but it is not easy.
https://www.sardinianplaces.co.uk/blog/fava-beans-longevity-and-sardinian-cannonau-wine
The Sardinian Diet and Longevity
Sardinians are known for living well into their 90s and living to over 100 is not uncommon. A major contributing factor is their diet, including the antioxidant-rich compounds found in Cannonau de Sardegna wines.
😉😉😉
If you have ANY hobby or passion that requires enjoyable but intense concentration on a NON-VERBAL activity, give it a shot.
If you can think of something that will give you a rewarding result, all the better. Crocheting? Piano? Making gourmet jelly? Macrame? Painting, crayons, sculpture, woodworking?
OR go online and find a site where you can learn something BRAND NEW, that you’ve always longed to learn, but never had the time for.
I think one of the WORST things about this is that NONE of us really know when we’ll be sprung. All the more reason why a mindless longish term project is such a good idea.
You’re creative and a fine writer Midkid- gear up and think of something outside the box to do instead of worrying about your worry willies.
GOOD LUCK!!!
Mid, maybe you are trying to do too much with the baking and sewing. Try taking a few brisk walks every day to see if that may help. Yoga, pilates, solitare, Tai chi like GA suggested. What are you doing for you?
(It's fine. We were both gloved, masked, goggled, aproned and awash with sanitizers. It would have been the purest hug ever, but anyway we managed to halt more than six feet apart.)
By the way, not afraid, but please could you be as strict as possible about not catching this. It would not be a clever thing for you especially to do.
I think the best word is apprehension. As far as I can recollect, there hasn't been an experiment before now in literally shutting down the world's economy. We none of us can possibly guess what the fallout will be, and nobody sensible is even pretending they can tell us. It is too big and too complex.
But, so, we can stick our heads under the bed and wait for our backsides to bear the brunt; or we can be sensible, follow policy guidelines, and then do what needs doing once we know what it is and how we can contribute.
Meanwhile. Is there a strictly academic subject you've ever wished you'd given more effort back in the day? Something that would really force you to focus? There are a lot of excellent online courses out there, in among the dross.
Do you dance, or work out? Tai Chi is relaxing, good for the body, but not demanding or potentially dangerous like going to a gym.
Are you eating any foods that might aggravate anxiety? Do you eat something like turkey with tryptophan at night to help you sleep? Don't drink coffee in the evening?
I won't deny that I often have sleepless nights, so I try to dream of my garden and the elaborate plans I have for it but probably won't ever be able to accomplish. Planning is a good diversion.
When my sister was dying of cancer, we both had sleepless nights, so we played CDs of specifically calming music, such as waves lapping on a shore. Later I used those as well as harp music to calm me before I went to bed.
Or I think about how much worse it could be. Gov. Cuomo made some good points today, citing the duration of WWI, WWII, the Spanish Flu and Great Depression. He pointed out that this pandemic in the US, has only last 56 days so far. (I think he was referring only to NY though as it's just beginning to affect some states.)
I often remember my father's tales of standing for hours in bread lines, in cold weather, or my mother tale's of being cold b/c they had no coal to heat the house.
Perhaps because we haven't experienced anything like this in our generation, we're also not experienced in coping, and I won't deny that it is frightening. I sometimes wonder how long I'll be here if I become infected. That motivates me to inventory my possessions and decide who I want to have them, as well as to start big cleanup projects. (I wouldn't want my heirs to see all the accumulated fabric and yarn, quilting, knitting and crochet magazines and books I have!)
From the beginning I have not really worried about the Virus and I live in NJ with the high numbers. But that is North and I am in the Southwest. As of yesterday we have 170 cs since 3/27 when they started keeping records and that has gone up since they have started testing those with symptoms.
My BIL is a Dr. of Immunology. He says all you can do is take precautions. Wash your hands, stay at home unless u need to go out for necessities. Wear a mask. He says Dr. Fauci may know what he is talking about concerning his expertise but he knows nothing about immunology. So, if you haven't, stop watching the news. I have. A lot of wrong info out there. A lot of speculation.
I am basically a homebody. I do miss eating out, it was my social time. I do cook and we do pick up. I take clorox wipes with me to wipe down shopping carts. Still wear reg gloves so that helps.
I don't suffer from anxiety but I do overwhelm easily. I can only imagine how scary the feeling is. We cannot control what is going on outside our homes. My BIL says it will die out just follow the precautions.
Combined, they help your body produce melatonin, magnesium is the mineral that is important for our nervous system, among many other things. Zinc is good for the immune system and supports other bodily functions.
I wonder if you are not deficient in some vitamins and minerals because of the chemo.
I always try the natural solution when something gets wonky.
Speaking from personal experience.