He has a tantrum when I try to assert how I want things. He rips items out of my hands saying he wants to do the task, asserting that he wants to earn his keep and stay useful. He has taken over taking care of my dogs, does all the grocery shopping (with my credit card), holds onto my set of keys for my apartment (it's not possible to make more copies of the keys; it's part of my rental agreement) and so I have to buzz to get into my own home. He moves all the cleaning supplies, rearranges my cabinets and linen closet, insists on doing ALL the laundry, the dishes, etc. I effectively stay in my room all day, cajoled into submission -- he makes it clear that he NEEDS to stay active in order to live longer. My life is not my own. I feel just like I did when I was a little kid. My parents would just leave me in my room all day when I wasn't at school. Please help. The only way I can stand up for myself leads to him throwing a tantrum and calling me ungrateful and showing me how hurt his feelings are that I don't just love sitting on my bum all day. What's happening here and what can I do to effectively take my home back without rejecting my dad?
Again, thank you CountryMouse, for your input. I'll be checking back here for awhile, so if you think of anything else you feel would help, I'd love to hear from you.
Ok. What you've got is a temporary situation - bearable - morphing into a permanent situation - unbearable and unsustainable. Time for a major rethink.
What you have got going for you is a lot of love. Hold tight to that, it will really help.
I'm not going to comment on your siblings' behaviour, my mother told me not to use that sort of language. "Cruel" comes into it, too, though - I think I can safely say that.
The time has come to look ahead. How would it suit you and your husband to make your father a permanent part of your family? If that's a no-no (and for heaven's sake think it through THOROUGHLY between just the two of you, before you say a word to your father), then the next option is finding your father a suitable independent home, choosing it with exceptional care - big subject, would need a lot of detailed discussion.
If it is a possibility, then the big discussion would be what sort of home do the three of you need? No children, is that right? Do you and your husband move home regularly/frequently? Given your father's background, he'd be more adaptable and capable than many men of his age; but do make allowances for advancing age and increasing dependence - look five, ten years ahead.
But the main point is that once you've raised and settled the "is this forever" question, your father will know where he stands. How can he possibly have any sense of security until then? If you attribute a big chunk of his frenetic activity to uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, grief and loss, even fear - all of which would be reasonable in his circumstances - you can see which of his issues are the ones that need addressing most urgently.
And you have to do all this without getting mad at your brother for his brutal rejection, or even calling it what it is. Very tricky. Try to scrub your brothers as options and concentrate on your own and your father's future happiness - plan a whole new route. Best wishes.
Step 1 - reclaim those keys. If your rental agreement says you can't make copies, I'm pretty sure your landlord won't like the keys not being in your personal safekeeping, either (or at least that's what you tell your Dad!).
What more can you tell us about his circumstances, his career and interests, and so on? I assume you're an only child, are you? How long has your father been on his own?