My parents, Dad 97 and Mom 92, are currently living with my husband and me. We are retired. Assisted living was not a good match for my parents. We decided to have my parents move in with us. It was working out ok in the beginning but I have developed resentment forwards Dad. Especially, when is sarcastic and behaves in his holier than thou attitude. He battered my Mom, had at least 3 serious extra marital affairs, of which I at age 10 witnessed him doing her and he introduced me to another. We had bill collectors come to the house and Mom had to go to work when I was 9. My sister and I were “latch key kids”. He didn’t work for about 10 yrs., our house was foreclosed on, and he went to prison for fraud for a year. Between all of this chaos were some good times too. Mom divorced him and took him back. I thought I had forgotten/forgiven him as we have had an ok relationship since 1980 or so. Now that they are both living with me, when my Mom gets angry with him, she brings up the past. She is making me relive my childhood, and I feel a lot of hate and resent him. I also have a rage, where if he is his sarcastic self, I will remind him of his past and how ungrateful he is to mom, and where I feel I can finally say what I could not as a child. It’s not good. I have tried making him a stranger, but when he knows he is pushing my buttons, I lose it. Out of the goodness of my husband and me. Why do I feel like I am being punished by having to relive my childhood into retirement years? I did not realize or even thought this would happen. The whole reason we had them come to live with us, was to make them happy, eat good food, be comfortable and with family. Moving Dad away, is not doable. How do I stay centered and focused on the present?
Dad was being abused by his wife (my siblings said it was payback)and social services from the VA stepped in. I became his caretaker he only lasted two weeks because when I got him he was in such poor health, my siblings kept telling me to put him in a home for Veterans with dementia but I couldn’t and like I said he only lasted two weeks four days with me and the rest hospitalized till he passed away. My siblings never forgave him but the day he passed away, they all were saying that they regretted not letting the past go and spending his last days with him they even often say “ Im sorry I didn’t help you take care of him” One day I put him on the phone with my mom and they talked for a good while and the best part was when he asked my mom to forgive him for all that he put her through. Since they passed away five months apart I made the funeral in their home town buried them side by side. Since then I’ve lost four siblings and I buried them all together. Im old now recently lost my husband too.
I hope you find some peace in your heart, try to enjoy your well deserved retirement and if possible get someone to help watch them and get away just you and your husband. I think it would help if your dad apologized to your mother. ❤️
You've done an excellent job taking care of them just don’t let your father get away with nonsense and tell him who’s house he’s living in.
Take care, sorry this wasn’t a answer for you and it probably didn’t help at all but truly from the bottom of my heart I hope things get better ❤️
I had a father like that as well minus the nastiness of sarcasm. He had his way of getting his digs into you. Both of my parents played siblings against one another.
This behavior among older married couples was the norm for their generation since women were more dependent on men for their survival back then.
You saw older couples sleeping in separate rooms. That was considered a separation back then. An older therapist told me this. A lot of women wanted space of their own and stopped sharing the marital beds. Some of the men moved out and never came back. Some of them did come back home eventually.
I won't elaborate on the horror stories.
I think you should start shopping around for an assisted living for your parents. This setup is not working for you and your family. You should be enjoying your retirement and not focused on the pain of the past even though bad memories do crop up from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if this mess ever gets resolved in our heads at all. It is very difficult to deal with very selfish people even though they are old. You remember the pain and the heartache you felt.
Dealing with childhood pain and learning to separate it from your adult ego would be the place to start. Easier said than done.
It brought back so many bad memories and bad feelings for me.
Assisted living was not a good match?? For your parents, honestly I'm trying really hard to not say anything to strong and chase you away but you have to know I've been where you are. And who cares if your parents fit in AL wasn't a good fit!!! They are manipulating you to take them in. They made there bed. Where they safe there, is the only thing you need to concern with. happiness, that is there problem to figure out.
You are who I care about and what your going through, reliving your childhood over and over. Causes a lot of mental issues, burnout, PTSD , depression,anger.
You absolutely deserve your retirement years, you deserve to not have this constant tension inside of you.
Put your parents back in AL. You deserve PEACE, in your life
You decided they could move in.
You can un-do that decision.
Outofthefog.website
By getting both parents the h*ll out of your home is the only answer here.
You should NOT have to tolerate such dysfunctional and awful behavior from either parent.
You say that moving dad away "is not doable" but it's not just dad that needs to move away, it's both your mom and dad, and YES, it is very doable.
You just apparently would rather live in this dysfunction than seek out other living options for them. Why? I haven't a clue.
Perhaps therapy could help you better unpack all that.
You and your husband deserve so much better in your retirement years don't you think?
So start looking today into assisted living facilities preferably not in the same city you're in(I'm just saying)and get them out of your home sooner than later.
I am a firm believer that any child that was abused in any way from either parent, should NEVER take on their care. And yes, my dear, you were abused, and for that I am sorry.
But it's time now to put your big girl pants on and do what you know is right and get both parents out of your home.
You can do it, and will feel so much better when you do.
They are miserable and taking you down with them . I know all about this . I had a lifelong miserably depressed narcissist of a mother . You can’t make these people happy . I know this because I tried . Your mother made her bed by staying with this man as well .
It is 100 % your right to put your own health and happiness first . This is not fair to you or your husband to live like this . They will not change how they behave and you should not put up with it . Take back your life !
Your parents need to move out . It is doable . Tell your parents this arrangement is not working and they need to go back to assisted living . You can visit once a week if you like and bring them a meal .
Your dad is an abuser.
He physically abused your mother.
He financially abused your mom, you and anyone else in the house.
He mentally, and emotionally abused you and anyone else in the household.
You have to find a way to get him out of your house.
You say your mom "took him back" after the divorce. Did she legally remarry him? If not then she is not his spouse. She has no reason to "stick it out". You are not responsible for him.
Evict him.
contact Senior Service Center in your area and see if there is housing for him.
If he is a Veteran see if the local Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA has housing for Veterans at a reduced cost. (there may be a waiting list so get him on a list)
If there is a way to make part of your house into a contained unit and he and your mom remain in the "apartment" that might work, or just him so he is by himself and you do not have to have contact with him.
You are not going to be able to stay centered, focused and sane if he remains in your house.
If there is no way you can evict him out of your house then you have to evict him out of your mind.
Totally ignore him. Just make believe he is not there.
I think the term someone used here is Grey Rock. Look up the method and see if it would work for you
The mother is an abuser too. Dumping her emotional baggage on her daughter and lashing out at her when she's angry at the father is abuse. She ought to throw her out too.
My Dad was a good man, he loved my Mom and his kids, but he felt he was the man of the house. He was not easy to live with. Confidence he did not instill in his kids. There was alot of "truth said in jest". He would start out kidding and then cross that line. He pushed buttons. Two siblings ignored him, 2 it effected and I was one of them. I told my brothers (my sister passed) that if Mom died before him, he would go into a home. I was not caring for him. Because as my husband says "I let him get to me ". And I thought I had gotten over it until one Thanksgiving he made a snarky remark to me and I walked out the door and went home. It got worse as he aged. I cried when I got home because I was mad that he could still get to me.
Do not allow Dad to live with you. The AL was not a good fit, either is living with you. Talk to Mom privately. Tell her Dad has to go. You can't take this fighting because it brings up bad memories. She is welcome to stay with you but Dad has to go. This is your retirement and you need peace.
Look up "gray rock method". This is where you literally ignore someone.
Your comment resonates with me so much and it breaks my heart. I actually have tears in my eyes reading what you wrote here. My family normalized abuse and cruelty too. I've heard the 'don't let it get to you' and ' they were joking' since I was a little kid. I often went into the bedroom closet to cry when I was a child. If anyone saw tears it would only get worse.
It was only when I met my first husband and his family did I see that cruelty and abuse is not normal. One time I cooked dinner and had my parents over along with my in-laws. My parents' behavior was deplorable. No one was impressed by their sarcasm or snarkiness or by their constant instigating with each other. Not at all. I worked so hard on that dinner too. I went out onto the porch and cried a little. I didn't want anyone to see because I thought that was shameful and acting like a baby.
My MIL came out and in her own combination of Polish and kind of broken English told me it was okay because I had new parents now who loved me. Then she ripped my parents a new one. She was right.
I only disagree with you on one point, JoAnn. The OP should tell both of her parents they're moving out.
No one should live with or be a caregiver to their abusers. Honestly, you should place them both in care. Not just your father, but your mother too because she also behaves abusively. Lashing out at you and making you a target to project her anger on instead of where it belongs (with your father) is emotional abuse. Your mother's own life choices led her to where she is now. You had nothing to do with it.
I come from an abusive home myself. Of course there were some good times too. The good times doesn't negate the abuse though. Let me ask you something about your father. Does he start up with the sarcasm and pushing your buttons when your husband is around? I guessing that he doesn't. Usually abusive fathers keep in in check around their daughters' husbands.
Here's how you handle this. You and your husband (he has to back you up) sit them both down and tell them they will not be living with you anymore. Tell them that it isn't working out because you and your husband cannot normalize the disrespect they have for you both, your home, and each other.
If the sarcasm starts up and they think you're bluffing have them served with legal eviction.
Bottom line they cannot live with you any longer and that's it.
You say you forgave your father a long time ago. Forgiveness does not mean that you have love for someone. Or that you even respect them. It does not mean that you take them into your house and provide care, respect, reverence, and love. Neither of your parents earned any of this from you. They had many years to earn it like so many of our parents, but they didn't. So you don't owe it to them.
Forgiveness can mean that you don't let past abuse and trauma take up one minute of your peace, joy, and love.
Do one more caring act that neither of them deserve and find them an AL to go to. If they refuse, then file eviction papers in the court.
It's time for your abusive parents to take some accountability for how they've lived their lives and make some amends for ruining yours.
You tell us you feel you are being "punished". If so, you are doing the punishing yourself, as it was you who created this unhappy situation.
It is also you who can end it. If you choose to do so.
As adults we must be responsible for our own decisions. Even in taking in parents who are loving, organized and agreeable there should be:
1. An agreement drawn as contract for privacy, for re evaluation monthly about whether the plan is working for all (and if not working for one it is out of the question).
2. An agreement for payment of shared living costs and their reevaluations.
If this was not done it is too late to get it done before move-in, but not too late to do it now.
If this was not done and the situation is not working for you then you will need to let your parents know this, help them find other places to live (whether a good fit or not) or evict them.
Again. You are an adult and you made this decision. We often, in life, make wrong decisions and the reasons are quite unimportant. What is important is that we CORRECT them and LEARN from them.
People do not change. Basically we die as we lived. And others cannot change us.
Truly I wish you the best. I understand this is harsh but I feel that sympathizing with people who do these things holds them back both from addressing the awful situation and from learning from it. Lessons for us all come the hard way. Sadly. I wish you good luck. Discuss first with your family and then have a HARD but HONEST discussion with your parents.
My mom was born in 1906 and got married in 1929 (great year!). She was trapped in the "housewife myth" of the post-WWII era. While my dad wasn't abusive, he wasn't the best husband either. My mom overlooked a lot of problems to keep the family together. She never worked outside the home so was always financially dependent.
Her situation taught me a HUGE lesson early in life. I held P/T jobs from age 17. Starting at 21 (post-college) I held full time employment until age 72, when I decelerated to P/T until just short of 78. I was able to provide for myself completely as an adult female, even if I didn't always have to. I earned my own fairly generous Social Security benefits, for which I am very appreciative as an old woman of 87. Many women of my mom's generation weren't so fortunate.
"Assisted Living was not a good match for my parents" you say. Why on earth not???
Being with family wasn't enough for "dad" the first time he had the privilege and abused it. Why would it be enough now?
Good food is available in Assisted Living.
Why are you making all these excuses to keep your parents with you in your home?
How do you stay centered and focused on the present, you ask?
Read the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle.
https://a.co/d/j9YtIKP
I'd wish you luck, but I don't think it's luck you need as much as the courage to do what's right for YOU now. At 97, dad's already had his life.
Your story is like so many others on this forum, took Mom or Dad or both to live together and it was Ok for a while.
And then not so great anymore.
You and hubby need retirement with concentrating on you needs, wants.
I had bad childhood, abusive first marriage. And great second marriage even though my husband has Parkinson’s. Why am I generally optimistic?
I don’t dwell on any of it. I am realistic person and know what comes next is going to be worse.
But it made me stronger and tough as nails. And determined to live best possible life.
I strongly believe all those obstacles or tough times should teach us something i.e. appreciate what is good in life, or change things.
You did not sign a contract, written in blood, that you would let them live with you until their dying days.
Give them 2 weeks. Tell them to be packed and ready. In the meantime, you arrange for Assisted Living, again.
Since when was ANY apartment a perfect fit?
Out the door, they go.
Good luck with that. This is like kicking a hornet’s nest and then complaining about being stung. You have no one to blame for the horrible situation you’re in but yourself.
Consider therapy. The real victim here is your poor husband.
A: Because you are.
Q: How do I stay centered and focused on the present?
A: Determine that staying centered and focused is your goal and make a list of steps that will achieve it. One of those steps needs to be to get both mom and dad out of your home permanently. If you can't see that, there's no hope here, and you continue to live in a home where no one is happy until two people die. And even then you've got the residue of what's happening now added to what happened long ago. You'll be trudging through that mental sludge forever.
If you really don't want that, YOU need to change. You can't change your tormentors. You've tried long enough.
it’s all a big greedy business.
It is never wise to move abusive parents into your home. But if you are willing to continue reliving your past with dad and mom and all that trauma, then what can anyone on this post say to change your mind? It's time you chose yourself and told your parents they will have to live with the consequences of their choices and decisions and that may mean a sub par facility. After all when you were a helpless child it did not seem to bother either one of them that they were abusing you (each in their own ways). Those emotional scars heal over but they never disappear. Save yourself. Choose yourself. I really hope you do because you deserve it.
My mom passed in ‘18 from Alzheimer’s complications; I was getting my life back together and then my Dad’s drama really started heating up in 2020. I’m an “only “ of both parents. My life has been deeply impacted for over a total of a decade. I was an inconvenience as a child , so I don’t have those warm fuzzy memories from my childhood.
My best advice to you in order to save yourself, your sanity, and your marriage would be to let your parents know that you and your spouse are no longer able to house and provide for them any longer. Give them a firm timeline of perhaps 30 or 60 days. You’re not a charity and you’re not a professional care
You've already
gone over and above for them, arm them with suggestions such as Medicaid applications and phone numbers to get the ball rolling and best wishes to you and your spouse for regaining control of your lives.
How much income do mom and dad have? Did or do they have a house? How much does it cost you and husband to house them? Would you be willing to pay that to a board and care home where they could live?
Time to rethink the options.
You have the power to tell them to shut up when they start on you.
No one seems happy or comfortable in this situation .
The choices are
A). Move parents
or
B). Live with parents but realize no one will be happy or comfortable . Very elderly seldom are .
Your parents will never be happy .
So I agree with the poster who said the only way to live in the present is to not listen to or talk about the past.
You tell them you don’t want to hear about it , it’s in the past . If that doesn’t work , tell them to go to their room if they want to rehash things , otherwise they shut up about it in front of you .
You took them in to YOUR HOME . So it’s YOUR RULES. Make a rule that this nonsense of the past is not to be spoken about in front of you .