I have been caring for my 87-year-old dad for over a year now. I am there EVERY day, all day. He lost my mom one year ago, and she waited on him hand and foot. He is totally competent although he does have a hard time getting around. He expects me to fill my moms shoes and do everything for him. Cook his meals, pay his bills, take him to appointments sort his medicine do his laundry, and spend every minute entertaining him. When I do try to go anywhere he makes me feel guilty with snide remarks like, "When are you coming back? How long will you be gone? OH I suppose the lines were too long and that is what took you so long!" I just feel like a prisoner. I also have a husband that has MS. I leave him every day to care for my dad. I just do not know how to get any relief... please help!!!!!
When you cook your evening meal make Dad a plate and drop it off the next day for him to heat up in the microwave. Let the aide from the VA handle the light cleaning and laundry. Arrange his appointments around your schedule. Start looking for an Assisted Living for him, one with a meal plan.
I will add that veterans are eligible for special help. There are retirement homes for veterans.
The quality of nursing homes varies from one to another. People who "will never put my parents in one of those horrible places" have not seen the facility where my father-in-law resides. His wife nearly killed herself trying to take care of him at home, with daily help from their kids. Finally, when she had to be hospitalized, she agreed to have him in the NH until she got better.
Long story short, he's getting wonderful care, better than he had at home; he's healthier and happier, and she has no plan to move him back home.
The NH he's in is a pleasant place with activities, socialization, and young, able, professional caregivers who get him in and out of bed, get him dressed, encourage him to have good experiences- -all important aspects that he didn't get at home even when the family did everything they could. He is thriving.
Look into homes now for your dad. Look at their Medicare ratings if you want, but don't rely on that alone. Visit. Talk to residents and their families. Watch how long a call light stays on before there's a response. Sniff the air. Observe how the employees interact with residents and each other. Watch a meal being served in the dining room. You don't have to be intrusive of anyone's privacy. You can see all this in the public areas.
The place where my FIL is also offers adult day care.
Explain to your dad that you don't want him to be lonely when you can't be there, which is going to be oftener, since you have to take care of your husband, just like Dad's wife did. Suggest that he might prefer going out to be "babysat" rather than being alone at home, and that you will arrange it. If he says he'd rather stay home alone, then that's his choice; but then he has no right to guilt you into staying there.
If you find a place where he has a good time and gets to interact with some peers, he will be better off, and so will you.
My sister-in-law transitioned her mom from day care at the facility to overnights to full-time residency as her needs warranted it; and it made the move smoother, since she was already enjoying her time there.
One warning: We sneak in and watch Dad interacting with the other residents and aides sometimes when he doesn't expect or even see us. We see that he is having a good time and being well-cared for. So, when he sometimes tells Mom that he wants to go home, she feels comfortable telling him that he is better off there now, because they take better care of him.
As you well know, with ongoing illnesses like MS, quality of life and doing normal things whenever you can is so important for one's spirit. Grab time with your husband to enjoy life as you can.
Seniors should not be taking care of older seniors. We just don't have the same amount of energy as when we were in our 30's. I found myself napping almost as much as my very elderly parents :P It really takes a village to get everything done.
Start planning for that now.
I know some people who are very pleased with veterans retirement homes/facilities. Are there any of them near you, and does your father qualify?
As my 97-year old mom told me over and over again, "I've lived my life, you need to live yours." Your dad has lived a long life with your mom. It's sad that she's passed and he's alone, but that's the way the world works. That doesn't mean he has the right to take over your life and take you away from your husband who has his own medical issues. Your dad isn't any more disabled than a ton of other parents on these threads. He's just got you wrapped around his finger through guilt and stubbornness. He's being selfish if you look at objectively.
You're the adult now. You have to make the clear-headed decisions that are in the best interest of you and your husband first and your father second. Right now you're putting your father first and that's not right in my opinion. You come first, your husband second and father third. Start cutting back - go every other day for six hours a day. Then 3 days a week for 4 hours...then two days for a couple of hours, etc. Taper off and let him see he needs some help if you're not doing it all for him.
The tables have turned. Your the adult now and he is going to have to accept things he does not like. He will put you into an early grave if you let him.
I just had a conversation with my elderly mom yesterday. She and dad are very close to the tipping point of being able to be on their own. It's getting dicey.
I don't ask any more, I tell her what's going to happen next. In my folks case I am going to order up in home services at the next sign of crisis whether they agree or not. I probably won't even discuss it with them. I will just call and tell that so and so is showing up tomorrow.
If they refuse, then I'm pretty much done. I'll work with APS to get them placed in a facility.
There is only one of you. You cannot care full-time for two people who both have genuine needs. And if you've got to the point where "when will you be back?" sounds like a snide remark instead of a perfectly reasonable question... you're overstretched.
Don't be afraid of looking at possibilities. Do some research into facilities nearby and see what's available that might work well for your father and for you.
each and everone of of you for your answers. I'll try real hard to apply them to my and my Fathers life. I don't know how successful I'll be seeing that he's so stubborn but I'll try.
You really need to stop enabling your Dad, cut back on your hours with him. Then and only then will he realize he needs outside help or as your late Mom had suggested to you, "put him in a home", and boy was she right.
Can you sit down with your dad and explain that you must make some changes, and you two need to come up with a plan?
Your Dad probably would move into VA senior living and lives for many more years. And your hubby would be by himself without you :( How fair is that? You need to do something now to make the changes or you will crash and burn.
I remember crashing and burning out of exhaustion... I developed cancer from all the stress. And I developed a lot of resentment toward my parents because they never had to take care of their parents, thus had zero idea what I had to do to help them remain in their house. This was before I knew there was such things as boundaries, and it was ok to use those boundaries unless you can clone yourself.