I have been caring for my 87-year-old dad for over a year now. I am there EVERY day, all day. He lost my mom one year ago, and she waited on him hand and foot. He is totally competent although he does have a hard time getting around. He expects me to fill my moms shoes and do everything for him. Cook his meals, pay his bills, take him to appointments sort his medicine do his laundry, and spend every minute entertaining him. When I do try to go anywhere he makes me feel guilty with snide remarks like, "When are you coming back? How long will you be gone? OH I suppose the lines were too long and that is what took you so long!" I just feel like a prisoner. I also have a husband that has MS. I leave him every day to care for my dad. I just do not know how to get any relief... please help!!!!!
With an MS patient you really have enough on your plate. You must have a very good hubby. Without my cousins husband I don't know what she would have done after she was diagnosis with MS. He worked then came home and did it all. You are not going to be able to keep up the pace. Please don't wait to talk to Dad. Daycare may help. Mom got breakfast and lunch at hers.
Can your dad get out to some nearby senior center, so he can re-establish some relationships outside of you? Most areas have some kind of senior center with activities. There are always a ton more women at those places than men. He might meet some nice ladies for companionship.
I agree you need to set boundaries and your first priority is your husband. You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad to explain that and work with him to find ways to meet his needs without upending your life (and your husband's). Good luck and yes, please keep us posted on how you're doing.
What are your Dad's medical issues? Would Dad be able to budget caregivers to come in to help during the day? Agency caregivers are around $20-$30/hour, yes expensive. Or would Dad refuse any outside help?
Sometimes what happens is that we enable our parent to keep living in their home. They remain in their lifestyle while we need to change our own. You need to set boundaries now.... make a list of everything you do for Dad, and I mean everything... now cross off half the items, now cross off a couple more. Thus, when Dad asked for you to do something that has been crossed off, say "sorry, I can't possibly do that", and stand firm.
And cut back your hours. If you are a senior yourself, just be honest with Dad telling him it is very exhausting trying to maintain TWO houses. Sometimes that doesn't work, as in Dad's eyes you are still the child and he is the adult, you are still in your 20's or 30's.
I was lucky, my Dad was happy to have caregivers pamper him... then he decided the house was too much so he moved to senior living. First starting out in Independent Living, which cost around $5k per month. Yes, expensive but half the cost of having around the clock caregivers. He loved it there, zero complaints, and the best time of day was breakfast, lunch, and dinner where he could sit with his table mates :)
Gressecj, I have a feeling your Dad doesn't like being home alone, thus the snide remarks when you are running errands. It can be scary for an elder because they worry they might fall and no one will be there. That is understandable.
Hate to scare you on this, but around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Terrible odds. So keep that in the back of your mind.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Your first obligation is to your spouse. Your dad can spend his money on professional to do housework and the like. If he has medical needs, you should talk to his doctor about what those are and have a caregiver coming in to address those.