My dad moved in and we set up an apt for him 4 years ago when my mom passed. My brother lives in another state and refuses to let him stay there or setup a space for him.
Fast forward untill a few months ago my dad had a UTI now has foley and catheter he can’t go into a home because of the 60 month look back so we brought him home for a 3 month look back until Medicaid until approved.
The thing is my brother refuses to come and help or bring my dad back to my brother's and my dad won’t go.
Since my brother got his inheritance he says he spent it all and has no money, no job and is mentally ill, but he can physically do things. He won’t come to me and give me and my family a reprieve.
Can I sue my brother or put lien on his house for not contributing? I spent most of time helping my dad causing me to not able to work since my brother will not contribute?
I cared for my mom for many years so I truly know how difficult it becomes to care for others at home as their needs increase.
As far as siblings go, every family member has their own individual circumstances in their lives. I don’t even think that I would consider asking your brother for help if he doesn’t want to. He will be resentful if he does help and that’s not good for your dad.
Sometimes none of the adult children have any desire, nor the time due to working at their jobs, or maybe they realize that they don’t have the temperament to do caregiving for a parent that is difficult to care for.
They choose to hire additional help with an agency or private care. Those who need 24/7 care should be placed in a facility and be cared for by a full time staff.
I understand that you are exhausted being the sole caregiver but I do not understand why you would want to sue your brother. It’s nice to have help from family members but it’s rare to see siblings sharing the responsibility.
This situation was brought on by the decision to acquire your dad’s money instead of keeping it reserved for his care.
We can’t predict how fast a health situation will progress, so I suppose that you now realize it is best to be cautious with spending and it isn’t wise to divide up money when a person is most vulnerable as they are approaching their later years in life.
This forum will give you honest advice. Some advice you may appreciate and other advice you might disagree with. The advice given generally comes from loads of experience.
Banish the idea of suing your brother. Concentrate on your father receiving proper care. After reading his health issues that you list on your profile I would say that he requires care from a facility.
Best wishes to you and your family.
To bully him into coming over and staying so that the OP can get a break.
We can all see that it's never going to happen, and in any case it's never going to work because the mindset of a person who had been forced that hard into doing it would not make that person a safe and compassionate caregiver. But when you're sitting there seething with resentment about the injustice of your situation you aren't necessarily any too rational when it comes to seeking solutions.
By the way, the OP is still sitting on her share of her father's money. It's only the profligate ne'er-do-well brother who's already spent his share. So what should she do? Follow suit and spend it as fast as she can? Or recognize that the the "inheritance" she has stashed is actually not her inheritance but her father's cash reserve, and give it back? That's the truth of it, but it's another bitter pill for her to swallow.
I can see how it happened (I think).
Like when my in-laws gave my DH a little towards out kids schooling. DH spent it on whatever bill came in & it was gone by the school fee due date.
The facts were: The money was given. The intention for it's use was not honoured.
What was done with it was outside the givers control.
It was not gambled away (or he'd be an EX now) but my DH did not think or use money the same as I did. (I'd have that locked away for it's intended purpose.
I think despite this being a much much bigger & serious issue, it is similar in a way. You cannot make the brother unspend that money now. You also cannot get him to do hands-on help or change.
Like I did, use it for experience. Stepping in a hole happens. It's life. Life teaches us to avoid that hole next time.
(Did I make sure any $ was locked away next time? You bet!!)
Brother has shown you how he is. Don't enter any financial or other agreements with him again.
Be thankful it is only 3 months.
If your having difficulty caregiving , do something about it. Find a care advisor, google it , find someone local, they will help find a place for your dad. They are like realtors. Paid by the facility. Know all the in and outs, what is available, your needs . I used a franchise called care patrol. Or get care coming in… things changed.. do something to help yourself.
my SIL and BIL tried to force me into caregiving for my in laws .. hard no. My aunts and uncle tried the same in regards to my mom… another hard No.
it sounds like your asking your brother for more than a reprieve…. And if he has no money , how is he suppose to travel for your reprieve? Logistics are an issue..your dad doesn’t want to go there..
Financially, you cannot squeeze blood out of a turnip.. and I doubt you can place a lien on your brothers house as there are no broken contacts.
inheritance
noun [ C usually singular, U ]US /ɪnˈher.ɪ.təns/ UK /ɪnˈher.ɪ.təns/
inheritance noun [C usually singular, U] (FROM DEAD PERSON)
C2
money or objects that someone gives you when they die:
The large inheritance from his aunt meant that he could buy his own boat.
At 21 she came into her inheritance (= it was given to her).
All tax preparers are required to warn their clients of this law and SSA should inform everyone of this annually.
Conversely why should taxpayers have to pay to warehouse old people in facilities?
He gave his paddles away 4 years ago... (Or were they taken from him?)
So what's Dad's plan now? Return to his apartment (if he can) or sell it & move (if not).
Is Dad still legally in charge of his own affairs?
This is what happens when you practice fraud, it bites you.
You brother has chosen not to be.
Imagine the flip side - where you live to the best of your abilities, unable to work, miles away & your sister expects you to come do what she says.
How would that be? How dare she! Right?
Having family is a blessing. A wonderful great family tree we can taken comfort & shelter beneath the branches at times.
Siblings are separate people. Not extra branches attached to one trunk that grow how & where the tree directs.
Stop wasting time resenting your brother for his choices.
You choose to bring Dad to live with you for the moment. You choose for YOU. You don't get to choose for your brother. I have a SIL like this who had to learnt this too. She took on too much because she said she 'thought' others would step in. She expected they would - but did not ask. There was no conversation beforehand to what she needed, whether that was possible for others or not. Nope. She just wanted everyone else to make HER plan work for HER. Please don't be like that!
When the communication was opened up - it revealed a clearer view. What people could offer etc. If she had known this previously then rehab would have been chosen intead of home.
Learn from this. Communicate clearly. Telling siblings what to do is bossy. Climb down from your high moral horse. Ask. Listen. Accept.
You have choices too. Choose how much is reasonable for you to do. Look for resources to fill the rest.
Your Dad is very lucky to have you. You don't need to be his nurse if you don't want to be though. You can advocate for him to receive nursing care.
1/ "he can’t go into a home because of the 60 month look back so we brought him home for a 3 month look back until Medicaid until approved."
2/ "I don’t need a written agreement with my dad he can stay as long as he likes.
Who wants to be in a nursing home they are horrible to live in that’s why he’s here with me."
Your brother owes you and Dad nothing. You cannot make a person care for another parent or not. You may just want to let that go. And really, do you want a mentally ill person taking care of Dad. Be aware too, its 5 years and 1 day (something like that) before you can file. In my State the process has to be done within 90 days. Applying, spend down, info needed given and find a place for Dad.
Really, I am sorry you got into this. If Dad had that money, you could have placed him easily under private pay and applied for Medicaid 90 days before the money was gone. It would have been a smooth transition. Feel lucky that you only have 3 months to go.
As someone said in an earlier comment do you really want your mentally ill brother around? Your inheritance has already been divided. Care for your dad, love him and know that even though he doesn't say it he appreciates all you do. Three more months to care for him... is not that much longer.
Love him, care for him.
I was only hoping that he will help is if I got sick or I went on vacation. I gave up all other hope.
what bugs me the most is that he calls my dad after 3 months in the hospital and they talk like they are buddies.
I tell my dad ask him why he doesn’t help out or visit. Everyone dummy’s up.
The stuff I been through with the UTI physically and mentally my brother has no idea I really don’t get how a family can do this. Like you said it’s the mental illness.
No you can't sue your brother or put a lien on his house. Going to have to patiently wait is out. I sure hope you have a written agreement with dad for rent/household expenses or you will experience new problems with medicaid that IMHO should not be an expense taken on by myself and other taxpayers because you and brother planned poorly for dad and got greedy.
I don’t need a written agreement with my dad he can stay as long as he likes.
Who wants to be in a nursing home they are horrible to live in that’s why he’s here with me.
when a family member says they will help and doesn’t that’s messed up. I’m left holding the bag for time and money.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can do anything about this situation other than hiring additional help for you to have a break when needed.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They provide assistance to those qualify.
And now "the state," Medicaid, which is funded by taxpayers like me, is supposed to pay for your dad's health care as he ages and dies. I have a moral problem with this. "The state" is me. I scrimped and saved and worked hard all of my life so that I'd be able to pay MY OWN bills for care, and now I'm supposed to pay for your dad's care also.
If you want to sue your brother, be advised that a lawyer costs between $350 and $500 per hour. Good luck.
Sadly, I’m watching my parents’ money fly out of their savings account right now because they have to spend A LOT of money in cash to get decent caregivers. My parents’ chose not to protect their assets or home so my siblings and I will not see anything. But we all worked hard and saved for our retirements so none of us need an inheritanc to live our day to day lives. It would have been nice to be able to help out my grandkids a bit for their college years but that is not meant to be. So not to worry, we are not taking anything from the taxpayers.
Your brother has made it clear he won't help. Believe him when he says he won't.
I just hope the waiting game goes quickly. Does dad have some other form of income? To tide him over?
I don't mean to be rude, you already know you made a bad decision--maybe your choice to take money now will serve as a warning to others.
and he’s living in a separate apt in the house. When he was recently in the hospital for 3 months my brother didn’t even call or come to visit when I needed help setting up paperwork and to take him back home. That’s not a brother but I see my dad and him are similar in personalities.
Sounds like you're living to regret that decision huh? Hopefully you can get him placed sooner than later.