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Katie sister is now having issues? Ask the hospice social worker to send her an email. Or call her, something. The SW may tell her these conversations are about reminiscing about good times throughout your lives, not about dad dying. But, some people just are not able to process the dying process. Auntie dearests have probably called sis. Others are calling dad to see if it is all true. This is so much for you to have to deal with in addition to trying to keep your dad comfortable. This has to be very difficult.

Best wishes, ask hospice SW to assist with the difficult family members. Tell SW exactly what you want from family and that if they cannot be supportive to just leave you, dad and mom alone. You do not need their added stress.
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I know honoring my dads wishes to not have a pacemaker is the right thing...even now. I just dont know if we can make it through all this turmoil...especially from people who have no stake in his life and will not be around to pick up the pieces or to see my dad have to spend the rest of his days in and out of drs and hospitals...that will fall to me and mom.

I am so afraid my uncle is planning something...the one that called my dad. Can he legally do anything to us? Anyone know?

I just dont see how we are going to make it...how will we honor his wishes without looking like we are responsible when he dies?

One aunt is writing to mom about how easy it is to turn off a pacemaker when you want to..and that my dad will linger and have an awful death...my mom and dad were so peaceful with their decision at one time...but now i just dont know.

This all from people who have not even hardly seen or spoken to my dad in years...suddenly the seem to care..and know more then his immediate family.

I do think one of them got ahold of my sister...possibly threatened her..she will no longer communicate with me. For all i know she is now siding with them.

What a nightmare this is becomming..
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Katie,
You may want to ask an attorney about whether uncle could do something. You can do that on the AVVO. You should receive several responses at no charge. Remind me, does dad have a living will, and a DNR? Who holds POA? Being the POA is a difficult job when these things happen and is definitely a job for a strong person. You and Mom are doing what your dad wants, it is a difficult decision for him, and will be harder for you to carry out. Be strong together you and mom with the help of hospice will make it through.
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KatieKay, my father has a pacemaker and the only way I'm aware of to turn it off is electronically through the monitoring equipment used by our electrophysiologist's nurse practitioner.

As Glad asks, does your father have a medical power of attorney in place so that you can be responsible for medical decisions and keep the possible interfering uncle out of the picture? What do you think he might do?

If you mentioned this sometime before, I apologize; sometimes these threads get so long that it becomes really time consuming to reread all the posts.

It's so unfortunate that at this difficult time the family isn't coming together to support what your father wants. It is, after all, his life, and unless he communicates what he's feeling emotionally and physically, and someone can vicariously step into his body, it should be his decision. I respect you for honoring that.
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Katie how on earth have all these people found out about Dad's pacemaker decision?
Getting the advice of an attorney experienced in elder law is a sensible idea.
As long as dad is competent to make his own decisions I don't think there is anything anyone can do. It is his decision end of story. Unless he puts his signature on a permission form no docter will do the proceedure. If he is not competent as decided by two drs it will fall to Mom to give that permission. definitely there should be a POA for both medical and financial drawn up as they are becoming older and the obvious person would be you but that is their choice.
Be rest assured that Mom and Dad have made a decision they they are comfortable with at this time and that must be honored.
On the other hand having a pacemaker is really no big deal and is not the same as a defibrilator which would be a more serious decision because it actually shocks the heart if it stops or becomes seriously irregualr and can be life saving or should I say life extending. In the end it can not prevent death if the heart is seriously weakened.
I see no reason why having a pacemaker should make Dad's death horrible. he may go into heart failure which won't be pleasant but I would not describe it as "horrible" and there is much that can be done to keep him comfortable.
Have you considered having hospice involved in his care? Stop listening to people who do not know what they are talking about. Blessings.
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Oh this breaks my heart for you and your Dad to keep having to address this issue...I have not been on here for a couple of days but sounds like a lot of meddling folks are giving their two cents now??? When my Dad was dying, and we had already been informed there was nothing that could be done except to do things that would only prolong his sufferiing, he made Mama and me vow we would never put him back in the hospital...of course we promised him...THEN...AFTER all the years of begging the sibling to spend time with him, get your peace with him, spend the time now while he can enjoy it with you, but he did not heed anything I said...THEN at the end, here he came, WITH his wife, AND his mother in law and they physically tried to take my Dad to the hospital...it was awful..in my Mama's and Daddy's own home, we had to endure the ugliness of people who had pretty much lived their own lives selfishly all those years and now as the time was waning and nothing could be done, here they came to try to keep him hanging on. My Mama is a very quiet and gentle soul, but it is the first time in my life I ever saw her firmly plant her feet and tell my sister in law to put the phone down, this was her home and Daddy was going nowhere...My sister in law, on this same night, threatened to kick my A$$ and by then I had had it..we were outside and I told her to bring it on, that I had put up with their mess for too long and I was done....my brother told me to shut up...I still hurt from all the ugliness, but my Dad was able to stay home, where he wanted to be, without further intervention and my brother later admitted we had done the right thing...I think when folks have chosen to live their lives and not spent the time with the loved ones and towards the end they seem to feel that by coming in and professing all this concern will somehow keep them hanging on...It won't...it is selfish, imo for people, in particular ones who have not been there for the most part of the time, to come in and try to except their authority...I continue to believe you are doing the right thing...I don't thing anyone can do anything to you for this...it is your fathers wishes to not have the surgery...I am glad we remained firm...it was not pleasant, but my Dad went peacefully, surrounded by those who loved him most....continued prayers for you all.
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Also, we had Hospice at the time and their social worker intervened as well on Mama's behalf and that was all the backup we needed.
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Yes, no matter how difficult it becomes, just remember that you are honoring your Dad's wishes...and THAT in the end, will help you have peace about all of it later on...the others, while perhaps well intentioned, are creating a lot of hurt and extra pain that you should not have to be going through...I don't know why it is this way, but these situations do seem to bring about the worst in way too many people and that "know it all " attitude...especially frustrating when those same people have not even been there.....praying.
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My 95 year old mother in law just got a pacemaker a few days ago. She has been living with us for a few months and we were shocked to discover she had dementia when she came here. In three months she progressively got worse and developed fatigue and weakness. We couldn't figure out what was causing it all except her age. She developed dizzy spells and had a hard time moving for anything. When we took her for her doctor's appointment she had a dizzy spell and the doctor saw her pulse was below 40 and sent her to the emergency room. They made it sound like if she didn't get the pacemaker she would be dead in days. My mother in law is DNR and my husband her POA and they wanted us to make the decision but after they stabilized her heart rate she perked up and was fairly lucid. We asked her what she wanted to do and at first she refused the pacemaker but when it was explained that it would just make her feel better and not prolong life unnecessarily she agree to do it. Another important factor in the decision was that she would just be made comfortable and not "put under" for the operation that lasted about 20 minutes. She also had a temporary pacemaker inserted in a vein in her groin the day she got to the hospital to keep her heart going till she got the permanent one. She came out of that flirting with the male nurse.

She is now in a rehab facility to get some strength back before she comes home. The most amazing thing in all this is that my mother in law went from a person we did not recognize back to the woman we knew. My husband is so happy to have his mom back. It may be early and we could be overly optimistic but she was getting his jokes and making her own, recognizing family and talking about things she could not remember earlier this week. She was even laughing. This may not seem like much but she was totally out of it before the pacemaker was placed. In her situation (so far) it has been the best decision. We have no way of knowing how rehab will go but as far as her mind is concerned this will have improved her quality of life. This is a very tough decision for anyone to make and we would have respected her decision either way. You are lucky to have a parent that can still make this decision on their own. My husband and I were faced with an emergency room staff pushing us for a snap decision and we felt like if we said no we would be executing her.She has been through many hospitalizations, intubation, feeding tubes etc. and we were leary of putting her through more at 95 but she tolerated the procedure very well. You just never know.

I do want to mention that she has told us this was her last operation. No more hospitals and curative care. Our next step if something else happens will be Hospice. Good luck to anyone else who has to make this difficult decision for your loved one.
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