Dads 94, lives in home, sibs and I take turns spending nights. He goes to bed, up a couple hours later, we send to bed, he's up again, gets dressed (if we don't catch him first), wants to sleep in recliner. He doesn't remember any of it. Thinks he slept in bed. Should we just let him roam? Sleep in chair, even though he should be on Cpap? We have secured house so he can't get to basement for example. We know he's slipping mentally, however, keeping him home is goal; especially during pandemic mess. Is it worth it to hassle him?
Yes, life often brings us full circle. We care for our parents who cared for us. The temptation is to give instruction, like to a child. But, we must remember, they have lived a whole life, have expressed "how" they wish to live, and "where". Though their abilities wain, their wishes should be honored as much as possible.
About roaming at night-
It's just what happens with mental decline. There are two ways to handle it.
1. You make LO adapt
2. You adapt
It's easier on our LOs for us to do the adapting. Chooch, it sounds like you are already doing the adapting. Good for you! You're mindful of securing the house. You and your siblings are with him at night.
- Like others have said. Sleeping on an incline helps breathing. Maybe he's intuitively improving his sleep, choosing the recliner.
- Maybe try the Cpap machine at the recliner?
- I bought motion sensors to be alerted when my LO goes from room to room.
There are so many things that we caregivers can adapt to while we continue to spend our lives with our parents. Set an overall vision for yourselves - and let that guide you.
For me- my vision/guidance:
-honor LO's lifelong wishes
-shield LO's dignity and autonomy
-maintain safe environment
-appreciate that simplicity is happiness
.... a bit more about adapting
If we make our LO's adapt, it can cause another set of problems.
Medication for sleeping is altering/confusing and leads to possible falls which can be extremely dangerous. New environments are confusing (both facilities and home). Sometimes just letting him change to day clothes will help him feel more comfortable - as you and your siblings are sort of like "company" each night?
My best to you and your family.
So you may be able to continue this way for while. Just”baby proof” the house. If you think he may cook (even if it seems far fetched), remove the burner knobs before you go to bed, just to be safe. You’ll know when the current setup can’t work and something else needs to be done.
Hang in there. This is exhausting work. Take mini breaks when you can.
Sure, if the house is secure and all loose rugs removed, he does not smoke, and he won't start a fire....., let him roam.
He is not a child that has to get up for school in the morning.
Sleeping in the recliner is common because older folks often have heartburn or breathing difficulties and sleeping in a raised position facilitates breathing and prevents acids from rising up the esophagus, with heartburn issues.
There are many wonderful facilities available with trained professionals to care for your loved one. They also benefit from socialization with others their age and a schedule, as well as 24/7 care, meals, laundry, etc. You can visit them as family, not their caregiver and enjoy time with them in small doses - better for everyone.
If your loved one has lived 90+ years and may have lost their spouse, they’ve lived a good life and may even express their desire to join loved ones in Heaven.
I believe in making sure my Dad (Mom passed away in 2019 after 75 years of marriage) who is 98, is happy and cared for - he lives in a senior community in Independent Living ( he moved back to IL after my Mom passed, as they lived in AL for her care.)
It’s like raising kids again...pick your battles and realize what’s best for them and YOU. Dad wants chicken tenders for every dinner, insists on an alarm set for 4:30am, dozes throughout the day and is extremely regimented but if he’s happy, I’m happy and I can’t advise him on things just because I wouldn’t want it that way! It’s his way of having some control of his life!
Hugs and prayers to all of you other caregivers/loved ones! It’s incredibly hard to watch your parents slip away, but it’s inevitable and you need to enjoy every minute with them without the stress to them and you of being responsible for their care.
My 96 yr old Dad prefers his Recliner to sleep in as he seems to think it's more comfortable.
Rowning gives your Dad something to do and it's good exercise.
I had to make sure she stayed awake during the day so she was 24/7 supervision, but it worked. She slept all night. Although I also had to get a floor alarm -- the moment she stepped on it it would sound an alarm. That was usually due to toileting.
Falls are the leading cause of death among the elderly. One fall can be the "game changer" and they can end up permanently bed ridden. FALL PREVENTION helps a lot.
The CDC has a good article on fall prevention here:
https://www.cdc.gov/falls/index.html
One out of five falls cause injury, disability or death.
A lot of people will tell you to use drugs, but be mindful those increase the likelihood of falls. Now if they become a behavior problem such as acting aggressively, a person will have no choice. But since mom was in her home and familiar routines I never had a problem with that. I used exercise (walks) when she got the "crazies" and it would calm her down.
My mom ended up bedridden after 15 years of Alzheimer's disease, but I kept her moving so she was bedridden for the last 2-1/2 months of her life. It really was a struggle to keep her moving. Until she forgot how to stand. Still, two years on hospice, and ended up with a feeding tube, mom was very comfortable and felt secure and loved, and not once did hospice ever have to use any psychotropics or narcotics. Her death was incredibly peaceful. Despite her insulin-dependent diabetes, chronic kidney disease and liver disease those issues killed her--not Alzheimer's and she made it to age 90.
Once they get bedridden their care becomes extremely difficult with turning, and keeping their bowels moving at a schedule. I had to get mom's bowels moving every Tues, Thursdays and Sundays with lactulose so her feeding tube made it very easy to administer--but that feeding tube takes ***A LOT*** of work to keep clean, patent, and free of infection. Bedridden is something you want to avoid at all costs. That's why I kept my mom moving (I walked her in the park daily for five years). It was a lot of work but it also made her daily care easier.
Keeping them up more during the day and creating a schedule is best.
If your own sleep is getting disturbed, that is not good either.
It is not Ok to allow him to sleep without the CPAP if one was prescribed. CPAPs can safe lives. Sleep deprivation can cause falling too.
Create a scheduld, speek to a doctor, get medication to help with this.
Thought - It might be time to get a sitter -or take turns being the sitter - that stays up all night to redirect him back to bed every time he gets up.
The cpap is really important (makes sure he’s getting oxygen throughout the night, lack of oxygen can lead to further confusion), as long as he is tolerating it. if this is a new piece of equipment you could talk to his doctor about potential alternatives.
Sometimes we get caught up in doing things the way we believe they “should” or used to be done. I would suggest looking at the individual issues (sleeping in his recliner, etc) and thinking about if these behaviors really matter in the big picture. As long as he’s safe and healthy, trying to control too much may drive you and him nuts. 💕
just reading about the houdinis was frightening.
I got an alarm mat from amazon.
I had to place it beneath his sheet since he used any padding etc for a blanket. However... when he got out of bed or even off the mat ( it did slip a bit) I got an alarm.
an added nest camera allowed me to see what he was doing ( he left frequent “gifts” in unlikely places).
He was also unsteady and would not use a walker:
There are also mats for the floor beside the bed and other items most likely, but that worked for us.
I would worry about your dad messing with the stove or getting into things he should not, like cleaning supplies or medications. You probably have all that secured.
Don't take any chances.
If you can put a child proof door knob cover on the door knob that MIGHT keep him from getting out.
A friend told me of someone she knew that attached more door knobs to the door so that it would confuse her husband as to what one would open the door.
I have heard that a dark rug in front of the door may stop some from getting near the door but personally I had no area rugs in the house as they are a trip hazard as well ad difficult to get a walker, wheelchair or other equipment over.
Door alarms are also an option. Many stores have an infrared eye that will ring a bell or buzzer if someone walks through the door. Something like that might be good for his bedroom door so that you know when he leaves his room. (I am sure you sleep at night so this would alert you if you did doze off.)
I would also get a tracking device that he can not remove so that if he does get out he can be located easily.