Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
That has to be really hard. Remember, this is his dementia speaking to you that way. My guess is he remembers his daughter (you) a certain way, probably when you were lots younger. I like the idea of looking through photo albums with him, especially showing pictures of you and him together over the years. It sounds like your relationship with him has been very good over your life. Goid luck to you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This is hard, I know. Although my dad did know who I was he didn't understand why I "deserted" him during the lockdown. The last time I was able to visit was an outdoor visit and the ONLY words he would say to me were "I almost hate you". This from a dad who always said he loved me and appreciated all I'd done for him. So I knew it wasn't true but it still hurt to hear it. And then those being his last words before he took to the bed and died 2 weeks later.
You can't change what is going on in your dad's brain. It is a horrible disease that robs them of the joy of knowing family and thinking we are terrible. I'm sorry you have to hear that but it is nothing many haven't already heard.
Have you tried calling the local Alzheimer's Assn. and see if you can get involved in their support group?
Take care and cling to those good memories. Tell yourself..."this is not my dad" who knows and loves me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes. Take on your next visit a photograph or two that has both of you, preferably fairly recent. Tell him when and where it/they were taken. If you still have what you wore in one, wear it. Let us know if this works
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

sorry to hear how that upset you.  It's their mind and in one minute they are okay and the next is like they are in another world.  You might just say (even though hard), "well she has been really busy and I am sure she will get in touch with you real soon, so she sent me to keep you company today"......it may or may not work.  maybe you can ask him some things about way back in his time or when you were growing up (their long term is better than short term).  It doesn't work to argue or upset them because they will shut down.  So just "go with the flow" and tell him that you are visiting today and his daughter will come another day.  I hope the next time you visit he will recognize you.  wishing you luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Broke my heart reading your post. I’d feel the same. Have you thought of taking some photos of you both together from over the year’s, and maybe it will help to jog his memories. Wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This happens to me now, on a regular basis. My mom thinks that I am "the other Andrea" or a nurse (she stays at my house), or some man. She thinks that other people are staying in the house (it's just me and her). Every time she does not recognize me, it feels like I am being stabbed.

When she does barely recognize me, she gets insulted and says, "Of course I know who you are."

I can't understand why she can remember the doctor that she just met only twice, why she can recognize relatives that she hasn't seen in years, why she can remember my sister, but she can't remember me.

I know that it is part of the disease, but it sucks.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

My dad continues to think I’m his niece and now guardian??? I’m very sad also and don’t know what to do I can’t get any advice from anyone ? I will follow you and I hope we can get advice? My dad had a heart issue was fine in AUGUST now is stuck 40 years ago happened over night really! No LT homes available so he has been stuck in hospital settings since then ? I feel your pain
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
wolflover451 Nov 2020
it sounds like some of the anesthesia has messed with his mind, it takes awhile for that to get out of your system, at any age.  Without knowing your fathers age, he might have the beginning stages of dementia.  If it continues you could ask to have someone check him to make sure nothing else going on that might have affected his brain function (heart issues? was it a blood clot, etc) might have had something to do with it, but I don't know for sure.  I hope you can find some answers, ask his doctor about it.  wishing you luck
(0)
Report
Keep telling him that his daughter loves him and will always be there for him. My mother no longer recognizes me as her daughter. I think she still recognizes me as someone she is familiar with. It was very difficult at first until I learned to accept her for the way she is. People with dementia eventually live in their own world and they can have good and bad days. I visit my mother as much for me as for her. I want to know that she is well cared for and even in her declining state I am happy to see her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I was the lady who took care of him. This was the reality of my dads Alzheimer’s. One day after over a year of him not knowing who I was I got the gift of him calling me by my name, the remembrance didn’t last long but I treasured it. Try telling your dad that his daughter couldn’t come but sent you instead to make sure he was doing well. You can tell him that you have the same name as her. You could try writing a letter to read or you read to him if he has lost his ability to read. This way you can tell him that you love him and about things in your life. Just wait and be patient, one day a glimmer of you in his mind will make an appearance.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Harpcat Nov 2020
Actually this is a good idea. One of the hardest things to make yourself do is to live in their reality and not yours. Yes you know your his daughter but you can't convince him of that. So I like what glendj wrote about saying his daughter loves him and couldn't come today. Or that she will be here next visit. It is not lying...its called a therapeutic fib. I used to write letters to my dad during lockdown.
(1)
Report
Sounds like his brain is catching up to all the months you couldn’t see him and he is still processing his feelings. Give him time and don’t take it personally. I’m sure there are thousands of folks in care who who never received an explanation about the loss of visits from relatives in a way that they could understand and process. Some homes took a perverse delight in being able to carry on without the scrutiny of visitors. You have no idea how much the residents have suffered with the belief that they were abandoned by their loved ones. Many residents would need to be told anew every day; some every hour. I doubt anyone took the trouble. Just be thankful your dad didn’t get the virus.

No longer being recognized is just part of cognitive decline. When my mother was in a nursing home, she never failed to recognize all of her kids, even at the last, but she told me herself that she could not remember her deceased husband of 55 years and thought she was still living in the home of her parents and remembered the address. Cognitive decline causes a “Swiss cheese” type of fluid memory loss that often changes from day to day. Other strange things happened. If my brother and I took Mama to a restaurant in the community, she would forget that she was in a nursing home and be upset that we had placed her there when we returned her to the facility. We would have to explain the whole thing again and then walk away. When we would return a day or two later, she would know where she was again.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I'm sure the covid situation has made this worse. I know this is so hard. Perhaps he will start to remember with continued visits. Maybe you can get a nice 8x10 picture of yourself to hang on the wall of his room. If the staff reminds him that the person in the photo is his daughter, it may help. My mom started thinking I was her mother. I just went with it.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
disgustedtoo Nov 2020
I was going to suggest having a good size recent picture of yourself with your name on it, so he sees it every day. All too often the slip back in time for them does this - if you can figure out "where" in time he is, perhaps it can shed some light. If he thinks you're a child, that will be hard to reconcile.

My mother has been in MC almost 4 years now. She slipped back in time after 9 months, asking about her mother (gone 40+ years now.) At that same time she also forgot about her condo, where she had lived for about 25 years, and was asking about the house we lived in before that. One brother isn't local, so he only saw her a few times when up to help a bit with getting her condo ready for sale. The other initially came a few times, but it became rare for him to show up and other than a couple of appts he had to take her to, she really doesn't see him.

She used to ask about them more often, but over time she asked less and less. I don't recall the last time she asked. Out of sight, out of mind is likely. My mother always knew me when I visited, even from across the room. Even though she's gone back over 40 years, I was an adult by then, so she still knows me, despite being locked out for so long. She can't hear, so no phone and never did computer stuff, so no visual either. No window to access from outside. However a staff member recently asked about us and her comment about me was "Oh her and all those cats!"

I did a brief belated birthday visit outside in August, but combination of the heat (it was under a canopy), the distancing and the mask, it isn't clear she even knew I was there.

We (daughter and I) stopped by yesterday before picking up her bed (hospice brought a hospital bed.) They have been allowing short indoor visits in their cafe, so I set it up. She recently had a stroke, but again, the lack of hearing, dementia and distancing with masks, I'm not all sure she knew who we were. I used an LCD Boogie Board when I was able to visit before. It would be too small at 6', so I bought a bigger white board, but she kept losing focus and going back to her sale catalog. The stroke hasn't helped this either.

FWIW, even before we had to move her, in the early stages, she thought my daughter was her cousin. I wish I had a pic of her! Not much I could do to change her mind. I'd heard the name many times, but have no idea what she looked like - must resemble my daughter a lot! We just laughed it off.

If you've been unable to visit for a while because of the virus, it's likely your recent "self" may have gotten lost. Try having a recent picture he can see each day, maybe several hung up in different parts of this room, so no matter where he looks he will see it, perhaps he will remember you. If he has a small album or wallet he can keep pics in, have some that size in those too.

If not, well, enjoy the visits as best you can. You KNOW it isn't deliberate, so don't let it hurt you. Just the fact that he longs for the "real" you tells you he loves you very much!! Others suggested you could be Ann's "friend", who she sent because she can't get time off work or something similar, and was worried about him. Fibs can help deflect his queries (she's working, under the weather, something that reassures him.) Send cards and letters often, so he knows you are out there and care! Promise in those to see him soon can reassure him, gives him hope, but his dementia will impact his sense of time and what he remembers. Some people get a call right after they visit asking when they're going to visit, they haven't seen you in a long time! Once you get past the intro and or excuses for Ann, then change the subject. Perhaps ask him about his "Ann", so you can hear all the stories he has about you!

It's tough, but again, you KNOW he certainly loves you!
(0)
Report
Mom's caregivers always prep her for our visits. She always looks surprised when she sees us, we are in our 60’s. Perhaps she is remembering us as much younger with more hair and fewer wrinkles!
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Mrsrubee Nov 2020
I bet that’s exactly what’s happening to poor Anna. Years ago we were all at my Grandma’s LTC for her birthday. My Dad and I were sitting at her table when she leaned in and, with all the excitement of a child anticipating a visit from Santa, said “I hear Bobby and Russ are coming!” Bobby was my Dad. The look on his face was tragic. She was waiting for two little boys, not the two grandfathers sitting across from her. Not knowing any better back then, I said, “Grandma, Bobby’s right here.” She looked at me like I was the demented one - LOL.

My husband is now now having difficulty remembering his children-in-law and grandkids. With the grandkids, he’s confused because they grow up when, in his mind, they stay very young. Two years ago we took a granddaughter to dinner for her 18th birthday. I talked about her on the ride over so he’d be prepped. He was very quiet all thru dinner, but livened up considerably at dessert and told her how amazing she was and how proud of her he was. Brought tears to her eyes. After we dropped her off he told me that he had a devil of a time figuring out who this young woman was and why the heck we were taking her to dinner. Said he knew we were taking granddaughter out, but was expecting an 8-year-old. Said he finally figured out who she was toward the end of the meal. As sad as that was, I was happy he figured it out and said those beautiful words to her. Just wish I knew of his struggle as I could have easily fixed it. At family gatherings now, I don’t think he’s able to keep track of who’s who and who belongs to which family, but - like my grandma way back when - he knows they’re his people. Now I always say who people are and their relationship to help him out.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. It’s never easy when this happens. My mom goes back and forth, sometimes she knows us,sometimes not. She has been asking when Dad, who died 3 years ago, is coming to pick her up.

When that happens I suggest telling him that his daughter will be over tomorrow. It’s more important to make him happy than expect him to do more than his brain can really do now.

I recall a story about a woman with AZ who kept asking where her husband was. Each time she was told that her husband had died which caused her grief. Over and over her family kept telling her he was dead. Why? Why not allow her the fantasy that he was in the next room and would soon be in to see her? You cannot force someone with dementia to conform to what they were.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

The first time this happens is the worst. Be ready when you make your next visit, or your next, for him to recognize you or not. If he does, enjoy his company as you always do.
If he doesn’t, and you feel comfortable doing so, try telling him that you know his daughter very well, and that she always says that she loves her dad very much and hopes to see him soon.
What you’ll be doing is speaking of your own feelings for him, but in the third person. At some point he may say “I know you Ann. You’re my daughter”. Just continue as Ann. Ultimately your goal is to confirm his hope to hear from his daughter and know that she cares for him and dearly loves him as she always has.

I hear your “ugh”, and I second that. This is SO PAINFUL. If you can share your own feelings it may help you feel a little less uncomfortable that he’s missing you and is unable to realize that you are actually you.

There’s no question that you miss him and love him still. For at least the time being, if you can let yourself become part of what he’s believing in his present, you can help him find his way to looking forward to your visits and enjoying the time he spends with you. That’s a gift that you can give him that you’ll never regret.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Beatty Nov 2020
Beautifully said.
(2)
Report
There are great ideas around here. It’s difficult when our LO’s no longer recognize us. Even when you expect it, it’s still hard to accept. I would still try to be upbeat and act like I always did...loving....cheerful, etc. She would tell others that I was a good friend. But, she forgot I was her cousin. Still....sometimes in her eyes, she seemed to still know me.

I’d just greet him as normal. Some days, he may know you. It’s difficult to say. You might consider sending a card that says you were out of town on business and were thinking of him, will see him soon, etc.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Can you call him and talk over the phone? Perhaps he is thinking of how you used to be. My father had a picture of me 30 years ago on his desk. I visited him every day and he asked me why the woman in the picture never came to see him. When he couldn't reconcile the current me with old picture, I put the picture away.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
What a great idea? Marvelous suggestion. I hope this works for the OP.

You know, when I would visit mom at the nursing home when mom was there for rehab there was an older woman with ALZ sitting in her wheelchair in the foyer area.

She always wanted to talk to me so I would chat with her before or after seeing my mother.

This woman was convinced that she was only 32 years old. She kept asking me to tell her where her car was parked. She wanted to drive home.

Then she asked me to call her son because she needed to speak to him and explain that she was being held against her will.

This old woman actually told me her son’s name. I looked up his name out of curiosity. I found his name on my phone. Her son was around my age.

I asked her the age of her son. She said that he was a young boy, four years old. It is very sad.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
How heartbreaking for you and your father. I’m so sorry.

My godmother with Alzheimer’s started doing this to me when I visited her in the nursing home.

I told my godmother who I was. She knew me all my life.

It’s devastating not to be recognized. It’s especially hard for you because it’s regarding your father.

I would read the book that Alva suggests and try to educate myself on this situation as much as I could.

I would speak to his caregivers at the facility for feedback. Stick around on this forum because there are many others that will chime in.

Best wishes to you and your dad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This happens. And it is the hardest part. Husbands sometimes get new "loves" in care who they think are their wives, and the wives have to live through that.
Just one idea, one of those scrap books that you can paste pictures of yourself in, with him. Long term memory is sometimes easily triggered, and he would see the little girl grow and see his own changes. I am so very sorry; I know how this hurts. Going to recommend a book. It is called "Still Time" by Jean Hegland. She worked as a volunteer in memory care for years. It is about a professor and his daughter, he in memory care, she visiting, about their relationship, and it is told from inside HIS mind, so you can see all the memory loss and confused things as they happen. I found it a comforting and beautiful book. I am glad you are getting to see him again.My heart goes out to you.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I would tell him any of the following.
If you can get the facility to "prep" him just before your visit. Have them say.."George" you are getting a visit from your daughter Ann today, that must be exciting.
When you enter the room say.."Hi dad, it's Ann, how are you? When you start the conversation be right in front of him and get down to his eye level if he is sitting.
Part of the problem may be the mask if you are wearing one. (and you should)
If you can find a Clear Face Shield that would enable him to see your face it might make it easier for him to recognize you.

If he insists that you are not his daughter then as hard as it is go with it.
Tell him that you are there to visit him. You could say you are a very good friend of Ann and tell him some of the things only you and he would know. Ann is at the store and she asked me to stop by and say hi.

Do not push it. No need to stress him and it may just upset him.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
MargaretMcKen Nov 2020
Getting the staff to prep sounds like a good idea. It might also help to make yourself a name tag, with letters big enough for him to read, that says your first name, Ann. Perhaps you could put your maiden last name on it too. If you introduce yourself as you come in, he is getting a lot of reinforcement. It might help, with luck.

Talk about Ann in the third person, and go through old memories. Finding that he loves his memories of you will make you feel a bit better.
(4)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter