Dad let us help him shower for 2 years. It has progressively gotten harder, now he refuses to let us kids do it. He makes excuses, but you can tell it really upsets him. Whether it’s confusion, fear or just feeling like his kids shouldn’t be helping him take his clothes off. He doesn’t dress himself either. We are working on getting someone to come in, but I just wondered if anyone had experience with their dad & if a male or female helper was better for showers or if it made any difference for their dad.
Good luck as you navigate this difficult and heartbreaking phase of your father's healthcare.
As far as your father changing his attitude about you helping, I have noticed my husband's attitude changing as his dementia progresses. It is not something I can put my finger on to give a good example, but at times it seems similar to how he was years ago as far as wanting or not wanting things done in certain ways.
I actually posted on line looking for a helper who was male. Didn’t get any responses. I think they are hard to come by.
He eventually had incontinence and mobility issues and allowed our aide to help him because he did not have a choice.
Good luck!
If the man/elder is gay identified, a female/care provider may be better.
Remember, we are 'hard' wired [not a good term] generally speaking in how we respond to the opposite sex, although certainly a percentage of the population world-wide is same gender identified for partners, relationships. However people are drawn or how they relate to either female or males could be a trigger - in all kinds of ways.
Ask yourself these questions_______________________
Depending on how and what kind of dementia, could you / did you ask your dad?
Does he have caregivers/providers now?
Interview care providers with your dad and see how he responds (for general care and/or hygiene needs).
More than showers, at some point he may have incontinenence needs so it is IMPORTANT to have someone there your dad is comfortable with - it might be ANYONE that isn't family.
* If he is cognizant enough to not want family members involved in personal hygiene matters, he is (likely) cognizant enough to know who / which sex he is comfortable with 'helping him.'
* I have heard too that some people with dementia are afraid of the water, feeling they may drown. Do consider this when talking to your dad, or observing him.
* Certainly, there is a 'professional' distance with an elder interacting with an outside care provider and the family member. I believe 'most' elders needing care would prefer the same-sex (as they are) to help them in personal hygiene matters.
* If needing someone stronger to manage wheelchairs or lifting, consider that a male may be a better fit.
* * *
Gena / Touch Matters
If you don't have experience why are you commenting and giving advice?
1. Most older men prefer women care providers. Most older women prefer women care providers.
2. My mother objected to showers. For years she received bed baths and hair washing while in bed. She was always clean, and always comfortable.
Previously a VERY modest man, his dementia had advanced to the point at which he didn’t object, and she was amazingly skilled at caring for him.
I imagine you must have had to pay that aide an incredible amount of money to put on a swimsuit an get in the shower with a client.
If she was agency-hired you are very lucky not to have been sued.
I would never do such a thing for any client nor would I allow anyone who works for me to risk putting us at such liability.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn all about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet, including a section about bathing.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck.
With my FIL we had a horrible time finding the "perfect" match for a bath aide. The agency sent multiple people and we started with him barely letting them in the house, much less the bathroom. We moved from in the bathroom to him keeping the shower curtain wrapped around him. Then it was him not letting them actually bathe him.
Here is what we found.
1. My FIL is almost 90. He is "old-fashioned" (read: male chauvinist) so we thought he would not want women bathing him. So we actually started by requesting a male bath aide. That was the ONLY request we ever actually made.
2. My FIL is also homophobic and could not wrap his head around why a man would want to bathe other men. So completely lost his mind when a man arrived to bathe him. Scratch that idea. Back to the drawing board.
3. We thought maybe an "older" woman in his mind might be safer - someone that wasn't the age of say his granddaughters - closer to his daughter's age might at least settle him. That didn't work - they were too bossy - aka - they didn't listen to him when he said he didn't want to do certain things - if they pertained to his safety lol.
4. He was ok with YOUNG female bath aides - the prettier the better - which - EWWWWWW. Dear God, we couldn't give that too much thought.
But quite honestly - we never made any special requests after asking for a male bath aide that first time - we took whomever the agency sent - some days he got a bath - some days he didn't. He did finally take to a few of them - they won him over.
You could ask him if he has a preference. But honestly - if you are using an agency - we found that most of the ones we used had a much higher % of female team members than male.
Teepa Snow and her collection of useless, nonsense videos.
Some of her techniques may work from time to time if there's a full staff of people with unlimited patience caring for only one person.
When it's only one caregiver with no backup, you get the job done anyway you can. Too true about the old-timers being homophobic and wanting a hot young woman bathing them. That never bothered me though. If someone needed a drill sergeant's yell in the face, they got one.
Especially the old ones who were veterans. If one of those guys got fresh they would be ordered to 'Stand Down'. There would be a 'yes, ma'am' and they would LOL.