So the last six months have been a blur — my Dad who lived in another state had a major health crisis, almost died, I was flying back and forth and eventually managed to move him to assisted living in my area. I'm also in the process of cleaning out (ugh, don't ask) and selling his house. We got things stabilized, new doctors, started a routine, and I was finally able to do some of the things I've been putting off — I've been asking clients to wait, wait, wait for weeks — and the first week I'm not available for anything he needs because I had major deadlines, suddenly he's calling and saying he needs to go to the hospital. (And he wants me to take him, because ambulances are expensive. I should tell him what my hourly billing rate is!)
I tried to be sympathetic, got the nurses at assisted living to help, and he was fine. I mean, at some point, I have to work. I've got kids going to college in a few years.
Well, now my family is going on our first vacation in two years thanks to COVID, we leave tomorrow, and now my phone is blowing up because he needs to go to the ER again. This time they took him, though it seems to be relatively minor, and he'll be back this afternoon. And I want to be sympathetic, and I am, and I have put my life on hold for months to get him settled and safe and nearby where I can shop for him and take him to the doctor and have dinner with him. But I really, really don't want him to screw up this vacation.
(I'm sure my sister will have LOTS to say if I go while Dad is "sick" but she's really not interested in Dad as anything other than an ATM, and she lives 500 miles away)
How do you balance being the primary caregiver and also setting boundaries like, I'm going on vacation and you're going to be okay in your place until I get back?
Edited to add: because I'm self-employed and work from home, my father doesn't think I have a "real job" (like my husband and siblings do) and therefore should be available 24/7. It's a pain.
The outcome of your Dad’s ER visit won’t change, whether you are sitting next to him, or away on vacation.
You NEED to work. You NEED a life.
If your sister has a problem, then she can come and sit with him for the duration of your vacation. Tough toodles on her.
Hope you have a wonderful time. You deserve it.
The boundaries are really just for yourself. It’ll be hard to teach that old dog new tricks at this stage, so it’s really about teaching you some new tricks.
Like, how to learn to say no and not feel guilty. I know, it’s a doozy of an ask, but really that’s life. Of course you want to be there for your dad, but you also recognize the importance of being their for your own family, your clients, and yourself. As much as other people may tell us that we are super heros, we really aren’t. We’re just ordinary people trying to do our best for everyone.
If your sister makes a stink, tell her she can use your house to live in and look after dad for the two weeks you’ll be gone, she won’t do it, but you can always say you offered.
Lighten up on yourself. You’re doing awesome.
His needs matter but so yours- your life, your work, free time & vacation. More you-time = better caregiver 😁
I'd make him something to see while you are away eg a nice big card or a photo of you & add the following;
* write you are thinking of him (emotional support)
* the date you will return (choose the day or 2 after to give yourself unpack time)
* a reminder who to call for problems (his Plan or 'Helper List').
Make his plan/list simple. Problems - call X. Life threatening emergencies - call EMS.
Hopefully it gives him (& you) a little confidence he will be ok (& if not, who to call).
When you return, keep an eye on how many calls you are getting & why. Is this actually anxiety? He may not be 'dissing' your job or free time, but declining in problem solving - that alone can raise anxiety. The way forward may be a good 'Helper List'. With aim to gain trust in other people - ie non-you people.
I've come to believe this attachment, relience, dependence on ONE person is a survival thing. Like baby-Mother. While it's wonderful he trusts you, it can be crushing. Like with clingy babies, handing them around the Aunts gets Mother a break 😁 (or if no Aunts, using the 'Aunts' at Daycare).
Wishing you a wonderful vacay!!
I went through the same thing and I learned that the least shared was the best.
I never jumped to after the 1st six months, I had unfortunately trained my dad that I was always available, then I wasn't and I had to retrain him.
I feel for you, I didn't know what I was doing while I was getting him cared for and then settled. Oy vey and I was told dementia patients can't learn anything new, ha, my dad learned. He learned that I responded to ALL his issues, immediately and then he learned to wait. I hope you can retrain your dad to wait.
Tell the AL that you are not available from this time to this time. Like any other job u clock in and out and need to be available during those hours. So, you will not be answering any calls from Dad during that time. They can call you for emergencies. (By law they have to make you aware of Falls and such) There is an RN on duty and as such should be able to evaluate Dad to be sent to the hospital if needed. Talk to her/him.
The first 4 months Mom was in the AL every time she fell they sent her to the hospital. Not one time had she hit her head or broken a bone. I usually wasn't informed until after she was sent. I stopped that. I told them I needed to be called and it run by me first. I was 5 min up the road. I was told Mom complained of pain. Of course she did, aren't you in pain when you fall. I asked that they give her a chance to get up and relax in a chair. If she continues to complain, then thats when a decision can be made to take her to ER. Checking her B/P would show if she was in pain. Yes there's always that your d**d if you do and d**d if you don't. I told them they could hold me responsible if it turned out she was hurt. Those suffering from Dementia are like small children. They can have a little scrape but they act like they are dying. My Mom hollered every time they took her blood pressure.
I laughed .. or maybe wailed (I can't tell the difference anymore) when you said you were self-employed so didn't have a real job. I am also self-employed and do not have a real job either. I work very long days in between caregiving at my nonjob and have no help from my sister as she "has to work".. part-time.
You tell your dad you have to go on vacation now and when you get back set a schedule of visits that you can stick by. The only way to set boundaries is by being firm and sticking to your guns... which, I know, is so not easy. You are doing a really good job of taking care of your dad so now reward yourself and go on holiday and have a really good time.
good luck and enjoy your trip.
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