Daughter wants to force us to attend Senior Center. How can we get her to leave us alone?

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Daughter wants to force us to attend Senior Center. How can we get her to leave us alone?

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I went through all of that with my best friend, a widow who never had children. I had to research the place, then empty out her house and sell it. So I know what you are talking about. The problem is my husband. He has three rooms of 'stuff' that needs to be gone. He will start but just leave things in a bigger mess. I have begged him not to leave it for me to do.

freqflyer: My daughter works four days a week, so we arrange our appointments on the Wed. And she drives us in our car. We don't bother her weekends.

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Also, in the process of "fixing it" for my mother, I turned down a promotion opportunity at work, I broke my elbow, messed up my left big toe permanently - it will always be numb, our family had no vacation time together at all that whole year. My elbow and shoulder will never be the same either from packing, moving, unpacking, moving before it healed properly.

By the time we got to mom and could get her to be agreeable, she was closer to needing 24/7 care than independent senior living with services. She missed out years of safe and interesting living in an assisted living complex by waiting too durn long. Go tour some places and see for yourself they are more like stationary cruise ships and hotels than warehouses. :-D

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There has to be some kind of outcome Daughter wants for you, and maybe it's possible without the goofy stuff at the senior center.

Having been through a big interstate mom-rescue myself, I will beg you on my knees not to wait until downsizing feels good. It never will. It only gets harder and harder and harder and never happens. Then your kids have to take time off work to come deal with it however they can.

Please don't wait until it feels "right" to make lifestyle changes so things will be easier for you both as your abilities decrease. It will never "feel right". This is not like picking out a wedding dress. There is no tingly feeling saying "today is the day!"

What there could be is a crisis where you are forced to change and go to a place that has room, not the place you really would like to be. Waiting and delaying, not making decisions and choices now will rob you of all ability to have choices at all later.

I will probably always be angry with my mother for putting me in that position on purpose. She refused to downsize, refused to adapt, refused to move closer to town to be near transportation and services. She insisted on staying in that 4-bedroom house at the end of a dark dirt road, alienated from everything and everyone long past the point it was good for her. I had to use up every single minute of my vacation time that year to drive 1800 miles to bail her out and fix it. So did my husband. That was uncalled for and all due to her being stubborn to the point of being stupid about it.

Please don't do this to your kids.

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amott6, you mentioned your daughter drives you to doctor appointments. One year I tallied up all the doctor related appointments for my Dad, my Mom, and for myself... the total was 40 [averages 3 to 4 times a month]. It can add up quickly. My parents never considered the follow-up appointment [like 5 times back to the hearing aid place] as appointments... [sigh].

Since I was employed, I had to use my vacation days, my sick days, and when I used up all those days it was days without pay. Eventually my position was eliminated as others were filling in and headquarters decided that position wasn't needed any more. I lost a fantastic salary... outstanding medical/dental insurance... matching 401(k) funds... profit sharing funds, etc.

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Anita, to go back a bit to the point about the Senior Center - the idea is not so much that you throw yourself into the activities as that you make friends and broaden your social circle. Having said that, I can understand that bridge and zumba might not sound massively appealing, not to mention being a bizarre combination… But are there activities that both you and your husband would enjoy in a group setting? It can't hurt to ask - you could always put new suggestions to the organisers.

Sitting outside the situation, I would guess that your daughter is getting anxious about what happens next. As long as you and your husband remain as brilliantly independent as a couple as you are now, all is well. But sooner or later - may it be never-never - you are going to need places to go and people to call on. It sounds as though she looks on the Senior Center as a start.

What is your husband's main difficulty with downsizing? Is it the practical side of getting rid of "stuff" or is it more the emotional dread of leaving your home? The thing is, if you've seen an ALF you like, and 20 miles is not far for your daughter to go, say, weekly, and the whole idea appeals to you, I'd normally say the sooner you move there, the better. So I'm wondering if it would be possible to work on your husband a bit more. One advantage you could put to him is that it will stop your daughter nagging you both!

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You should feel lucky your daughter wants you have a full social life. Instead of complaining about her maybe you should examine whether you are too set in your ways. There are many people your age who still have to work for a living and don't have the choice of living like a hermit. They have to go out every day and work. Just because you don't like an activity like Bingo doesn't mean that you can't learn something from the experience or enjoy socializing with others. This reminds me of the time I took my parents to a concert. They acted like spoiled two year olds. They turned their chairs around and faced away from the stage and sat like petulant brats until I took them home. I was mortified and the people I knew were mortified for me. They couldn't believe grown adults could behave like such brats. I can guarantee you there is a 70 year old person out there right now that doesn't have the luxury of complaining about leisure activities and probably doesn't have a loving child to suggest that they add social activities to their life.

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Amott6, your daughter is really too busy to do much caregiving for you. Add this together with the facts that your DH with LBD, and your mobility restrictions, mean your NEEDS will only be increasing, every month until your DH and possibly you too will require 24/7 caregiving. It sounds like you are completely competent to be making DPOA, Will and Medical Advance Directive choices-- I do hope you have already done these. And you should double- check them and revise as needed. Do you have your funerals pre-planned & pre-paid? At the very least, set aside a separate bank account for that purpose. Are you financially able to afford 10-15 yrs of nice AL? can you have DH's doctor explain to him the need for AL, or an interim period of, say, 3 visits per week of in-home care? To me it sounds like daughter wants you to "get out of house" because that is what she would do if she needed a break from her routine or as a stress relief. You need to take advantage of your current competent state of mind, and make your desires perfectly clear-- not just a "Medical Advance Directive, but a "Lifestyle" Advance Directive. You want to live how you want to live-- and not have daughter telling you how, and only you can make that clear to her. Best wishes.

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freqflyer: Yes, what I can't get delivered, I order on-line. I've hired someone to help with the yard and housework and we get meals-on-wheels delivered. We want to be independent as long as possible. The ONLY thing our daughter does is drive us to Dr appointments and to church on Sunday. Otherwise, I never see her. She works full time and has enough to do with her family who make many demands on her. I do worry about what happens if she can no longer drive us. It's kind of hard to ask neighbors to spend 1/2 a day taking us to see a doctor.

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I am also shy/introvert most of my adult life.... but I noticed at work I now like having other people stop by the office, even if it is the UPS guy and he being there 5 seconds :)

I think I am at a stage where I don't want to be alone as I get older. That is why I really enjoy doing volunteer work at the hospital, being around other people. And now eying that retirement village just down the road.

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It seems as though we're all a bunch of introverts on this forum! I too would not want to attend a seniors group and for that reason respected my mom's choice to occupy her days in her own way. Looking back now I wish she would have at least tried it a few times to see if it was as bad as we thought, because as she aged she became more and more isolated and that can't have been good for her. Getting out and being social are crucial even for us introverts, if you don't like the seniors centre look for other outlets. Think of it as medicine for your mental health.

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amott6, question who gets your groceries? Does your daughter do that or do you have home delivery?

I had totally forgotten about one thing, and here it was staring me in the face the whole time. What if your daughter was sidelined for a couple of months due to an injury or illness? What would you do?

My parents ran into that last month when I had fallen and broke my shoulder... I was/am grounded from driving for two months.... the pain is exhausting so I spend much of my free time napping. Thank goodness we already were using on-line grocery service... I had to cancel all their doctor appointments for the next 2 months unless they were willing to use a taxi service, which they decline. After I heal, next on my agenda is my physical therapy, no time to run errands. Now what?

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Amott, I say bravo to your daughter for thinking ahead, that she isn't in denial that you and hubby are aging. Everything might be peachy keen right now, but a lot can change a month from now.

My parents use to walk 2 miles a day until they were in their late 80's and early 90's.... and they use to do volunteer work at the local hospital twice a week up until those ages, too.... it all stopped when Dad had a heart attack [he was volunteering at the hospital when it happen, so what better place] and it's been a downward slide since then. Dad had to stop driving.

Now I am a bundle of nerves because for the past 6 years I have been running all their errands, doctor appointments, barber, hair dresser, CPA, trips to Target, post office, etc. while trying to maintain my own career. MY life has come to a stand still but my parents don't even notice that. I haven't been on vacation in 6 years, I haven't been to a movie in 6 years, or dined out. Always the fear that either one will once again fall.

If they were living at a retirement community I would still be worried about them but I would be able to get a good nice sleep. If Dad falls, Mom could alert security and they know how to pick up a fallen person. And if Mom passes first, Dad would have a group of friends to rally around him, instead of rambling alone in a big house. And vise versa. But no, they won't move.

Today 40% of the caregivers pass on leaving behind their love one. I feel that my parents could outlive me, then what? I have no siblings, and I have no children. And that in itself worries me sick. I should have been hinting to my parents back when I was 53 years old instead of pushing 70 myself.

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Amott, the way I look at it is that would you rather get to the point that daughter makes the decision for you because of incapacity or injury? I think your husband would rather the choice be his as to where to live, than let your daughter make that decision for both of you. And if daughter has to drive a bit, twenty miles is nothing, does not compare to a couple of blocks away. But how often does she get in her car, to run an errand, is the additional miles really that big of a problem?

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amott if you don't want to go you don't want to go and no one can make you but are you getting any exercise at all? The older you get the more you need to keep those old joints moving. I know I am 76. I know what is good for me. Do I always do it ? "No" and that would apply to the senior center too although I can drive and go anywhere I want. I am sorry your friend fell and broke her hip but hips get broken inside the house too. Some people think the hip breaks first in the elderly and then you fall. If your daughter is so keen on getting you out then ask her to be more helpful that issueing orders. How about a ride or walking with you. have you considered applying for one of the electric scooters? All I am hearing is "Don't want to"
What are you going to do when one of you passes will the other be so keen to be alone.? Just a question. Humor your daughter a little.

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My walker is a rollator, but we have very few sidewalks and my friend managed to tip hers over and broke her hip. So I don't want to go walking alone. Any outside activity/class requires transportation. We have no public transportation except a taxi service which charges $50. Until a few years ago, this was a farming community. I know the daughter means well, but we are fine with not going out more. Al has his ham radio and we both have computers.

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Amott, my father used to use a walker but we switched to a rollator. They look like this:

We got ours from a DME company; Medicare paid for it. It is heavier than a walker but it's more sturdy, has hand brakes (which his walker didn't), a basket below the seat for carrying books, magazines, etc., and allows him to walk much more safely and faster.

I would highly recommend it vs. a cane or walker, which to me aren't all that safe.

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Local colleges may have some senior activity, or adult school/classes..... small steps, you may enjoy it.

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Look into other outside activities. Maybe a senior workshop for crative writing, movie night or afternoon. Library may offer some courses...Do you have a botonical garden that may offer some kind of gardening class? What about swimming? Anything to get yo out of the house is what daughter is thinking....Totally understand why.

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Does your city of :: CITY RIDE? Discount vans for seniors or disabled people. They pick you up at the driveway. check your local city ad see what they offer.

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You understand wha its like to be herage, she has no idea whats its like to be your age. Gest ome sort of medic alert if its you health she is worried about. Whenever you talk tell her about neighbors you had to ovrer to dinner. Expend the amounto time of time you spend socializing with in your community. But your first step should be to contact an elder law attorney to make sure your right to live independently is maintined.

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I like your answer, Maggie. I'll try that with her. (she is 53)
Gladimhere: Many thanks. I would love to move to Assisted Living. They do have many other activities than our local Sr. Center. Problem is, I can't get hubby to downsize. I've already disposed of most of my 'stuff.' Daughter doesn't want that because it would be harder for her to visit us. We are currently 2 blocks away, all the good AL places are 20 miles away.

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No one should be hounded to do what someone ELSE wants them to do for entertainment. Your daughter sounds as though she's coming from a good place with her suggestions.

"Daughter, please. You're beginning to spoil our time together by nagging us to do something we don't want to do. If you don't stop nagging us about the Senior Center? I'm afraid we're going to have to ground you for a whole MONTH!"

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Amott, I agree with GardenArtist and it would drive me nutty if one day my children pushes me to attend senior center activities. I am an introvert, and prefer time alone to spending time with any group. I don't even like to go to movies much. As long as I am competent, they will not tell me what to do, maybe not even then.

However, you have some medical issues yourself and hubby has LBD. You will probably not be able to care for him forever. The numbers of caregivers that pass before the person they are caring for due to the stress is absolutely alarming. Somebody here will chime in on the actual numbers, I am sure. Would the transition for your husband be easier, if you passed first, if he had already been doing some things with other people? Maybe your daughter is fearful that she would become his caregiver if something happened to you; and she does not want to be forced into that role.

Perhaps your daughter wants you to see that there is another side to caregiving, one in which you don't have to be completely responsible for your husband 24 hours a day. That there are others in similar situations and it always helps to have others to do things with and talk with. Is there a senior group at church that get together through the week? If not talk with the church staff about starting a weekly lunch group.

My mom and her hubby were moved to a senior community just two weeks ago. Hubby did not want to go one little bit, I had been caring for both of them for almost four years. Mom has dementia, he general age related decline and some small issues with his memory. All agreed that they could not live in the same unit, mostly because of mom's sundowning behaviors. This transition is very difficult for my mom. The theme of he stay thus far is run for the hills, not going at all well for her. Her hubby's on the other hand is to spend the majority of his time trying to help my mom,. Who looks the worst for the wear? He does as he had not been in the primary caregiving role for four years, yet he believes he ahould be able to do everything for Mom, and the heck with what he is able to do.

So, make your own decision about your activities and realize that you may not be able to care for him until he passes. Plan for the future in a way that will make a necessary transition easier on both of you.

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Thank you, GardenArtist. We read a lot, have a couple of TV shows we like to watch and walk when he feels up to it. I'm reluctant to walk alone with my walker because the lady I used to walk with fell and is in a NH now. My husband is a stage 2 LBD, so I am his caregiver.

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Guess I'm going to be the lone dissenter here. I think people can enjoy activities with others but can also enjoy as much their time alone with each other, especially if they read or do a lot at home. Even if there are some physical limitations, there's always music and reading. PBS has good programs which are frequently intellectual and stimulating.

One of the things that bothers me are the choices of some of the activities planners seem to feel are appropriate for elders, such as bingo. It's not an activity that stimulates thinking - all one does is put little chips on the called numbers.

Bingo always reminds me of the activities for seniors in rehab centers as well as some get togethers.

Some of the exercises are based on the assumption that elders are physically and intellectually limited - not every one is.

Painting is excellent though, even if arthritis makes it difficult to hold a brush; abstract paintings are still intellectual pursuits and stimulate creativity.

In short, I've felt people can find their own stimulating activities - book clubs, free concerts, good tv documentaries, etc. It's unfortunate that Borders closed because it had some good interactive social events, especially some of the clubs it sponsored.

Can you still walk outside? In a small town you could socialize that way - go for a walk and see your neighbors.

But I think your daughter is just trying to be helpful, thinking that getting out will in fact be helpful rather than disinteresting.

I think the issue is whether you're satisfied being home except for Wed. and Sun., and if so, and if you have no complaints about staying home, you don't really need to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

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She only drives us to dr. appointments on Wed and to church on Sunday. Other than transportation, we are very independent. We get 'meals-on-wheels' delivered because I can't get up the steps on the bus. This is a small community, nothing else available here. Daughter doesn't live with us.

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She probably needs a break. Do it for her. I can't believe that those are the only activities. And exercise is good for anyone.

But, if you are really not going to go, ask her not to come over, anymore.

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Maybe see if there is a different Senior Center with different activities. OR join a different type of thing altogether. We have a group called Life Extension here in LIttle Rock that does full day classes on things. And don't shy away from using adaptations of any sort to paint or help hold a brush - get a catalog like Abilitations or Sammons or even get an occupational therapy eval to help you find the right tools.

Your daughter may have some really good reasons to want to see you get out and about - even just to give her some "me" time/alone time - but probably more to give you a better quality of life. Staying home not doing much gets people depressed.

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Anita if there is a bus to take you to lunch why not just go for lunch a couple of days and see if you think you might like some of the people there. Not everyone will be your age or older, i think you can start going at age 60.
maybe you can't hold a regular paint brush but i bet you could manage one with a big fat handle. It could be fun.

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Anita, I believe the reason your daughter wants you to go to the senior center is to be around people of your own age group... develop new friendships. And walking is one of the best exercises one can do, as long as you and hubby are both mobile.

How I wish my parents would have started going to a Senior Center years ago because now that they are in their 90's they have no friends their own age, and are bored silly being home alone rattling around in their big home. And I can't be Julie McCoy, their cruise director.

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Daughter wants to force us to attend Senior Center. How can we get her to leave us alone?

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