How do I deal with my angry sisters who are the caregivers to my dying Mom?

I used to think that perhaps I was a simpleton. Or that I lacked a depth of character, the kind for instance that is necessary in order to be able to carry through life that one perfect, lasting grudge? Might I have memory problems? Was I deficient in those brain chemicals that make it possible to hate enough, to recall easily bad scenes and bad memories, to remember clearly how one's siblings had made life miserable, to think that way back when my parents didn't really care about me because one day they forgot to pick me up from cheerleading practice or left me sitting alone when bible study was so obviously over?

Can you see where I'm going with this. The truth is I am able to forget. I can forgive and I can even more strongly I can forget those little awful episodes that some others carry with them throughout life. I don't believe I am special because of this. For a long time I realized that I forgot a lot of what had gone on in my childhood, and I just chalked it up to being a child of an alcoholic. I didn't think this was good or bad at first and now I think mostly it is bad. But this forgetting of detail has built in me a lovely capability to forget the nastiness (what nastiness? she asks) and the wrongs that might have been done to me by my family or even by my first husband and his family, though I have to say they were very quiet and for the most part, very nice, unassuming people, at least until I filed for divorce. I will give one specific instance of my forgetting. In 2009 I took my Mother to see her Mother, who had three months before turned 100 years old and was given a small party by the NH staff, a party we could not attend, and so on Mother's Day I said come hell or high water we are going to see Gram! The drive was two hours long. There was a good chance that my aunt, my Mother's much younger sister, from whom she was estranged, would be visiting because of course it was Mother's Day. My Grandmother's fondest desire was to see her two daughters together and speaking to each other in her presence. I neglected purposely to advise my Aunt that we would be visiting Gram. I however prayed that she too would be visiting her Mother for Mother's Day. As we walked into my grandmother's room my aunt was quietly standing over the bed. As my Mother rushed to her Mother's side her sister stepped every so slightly away from the bed. But then a wonderful thing happened. They embraced and began a very tentative dialogue, mostly about their Mother's health. Unbeknownst to me or the thereof them my husband quietly set up an unobtrusive video camera and recorded 45 minutes of laughter and joy. We stayed perhaps for four or five hours and later had to turn down an invitation from my aunt to join her at her home. As we left there was long hugging and kissing all around. I called a nurse to put down the bed's rails so that my Mother could closely embrace her Mother, practically climbing into bed with her. It was joyous and I was elated by the surprise accident I had planned. It worked better than I could have ever hoped for. Three days later we got word that my Grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep.

Ten days later at her funeral in a northern city which necessitated costly travel for all of us, my Aunt and my Mother met the few relatives still living in our hometown. We all shared a pleasant lunch with much talk of old times and beautiful old memories.

Three months later my aunt accused me of sneaking into "her" town on Mother's Day and not telling her my Mother would be coming to see their Mother. We had a brief very loud discussion, and did not talk for several months. But then we did talk. And we have talked more and more as her sister, my Mother is slowly walking the long darkening road of dementia. She is here for me just as I am here for her. Two days ago her 25-year-old son was mauled by an alligator as he saved his dog at his favorite fishing spot. He is in his third surgery. Doctors are fighting to save his arm. Today I am in the middle of arranging an account that will accept donations for her son's extensive care as he has no insurance and in fact has himself walked a very tough road since his father died on a date very near to his own 16th birthday. We are family and that it appears is all that matters to me.

Ismiami, thank you so much for your comment. The concept of clashing times and geographies and cultures hits my nail on the head so beautifully. My husband taught me about Introjection (basically, when we merge with someone so unconsciously it is nearly impossible to tease out what is right and wrong or what is us vs another). Love seems to do that. I wonder if Lynne, like perhaps you and I, are geographic and Old World trained while at the same time stood up to the challenges of of our parents' need to succeed, break out, and be independent? I am curious how many people here are straddling such moral jungles? I cry and rationalize to myself that it is ok to compromise everything I ever held dear.

It sounds like there is a lot of animosity towards the sibling who cannot make it. Other kids are 100 miles away? Really? Cn;t imagine to keep mom that far away, especially with cancer. Water under the bridge. send them a note and thank them for taking care of Mom. May Sheri's Berries or a treat. Tell them how much you appreciate it, and hope that someday they will understand. Ask kindly if they will mind if you stop by one more time before she passes, and ask them politley if you may be invited to funeral....Family issues sometimes don't close after the fact.

Still thinking of you LynnJG. I know this is a very very hard situation. I also know that each of us speaks from a perspective of what we ourselves had known and continue to live in our daily lives. It is really hard to forget the hateful, angry remarks isnt' it? the looks, the flipping off, the obvious whispering, or whatever whenever you're around...it hurts...you can't forget it...Believe me I totally understand. I think all you can do right now is, as previously mentioned, do what you can do to be peaceful and help yourself and your Mom to get through the journey, whether from near or far, and when the time comes, do what in your heart feels right for you. What you can be at peace with. Your situation concerns me greatly because I can feel your pain it seems...And don't forget to be kind to yourself...continuing prayers....for you and your Mom...

Sorry hit submit.

Be grateful for your sisters. Do not apologize, do not debate and do attend the funeral, you will regret it if you do not.

I am sure taking care of mom woul be a burden to you, perhaps one you are unable to take on. I am sure it is no less a burden to your sisters, just because they are 500 miles closer. You all have lives you rather be focusing on, and old age and cancer suck, so woe all of us.

The fact is this is not old Europe, where large families lived in the same town for generations. This is the USA, where we encourage and celebrate independent achievement. Where the most common question to a graduating senior is WHERE will you be going to college? If we encourage and accept us and our children having their lives, we cannot expect them to drop their lives to accompany our last days, unless it is what they wish in their hearts as well. Caregiving from obligation leads to resentment.

Contribute what you are willing. Be gratte

Grammajean - yes, I DO feel as though I have been wronged - in many ways. I won't lie - and that is one of the problems I am dealing with every day: trying to put my own resentment aside (am not always best at doing it) and see what is REAL and not just emotion. And yes, having reacted one way for all my adult life due to my own home situation and abusive marriage, at times I still fall back into allowing my sisters to run right over me. We are all having to adjust to "the new me" AND mom's health all at the same time. It's A LOT to deal with at once. :-)

Thank you for your honesty, kind words, input and for answering. :-)

Lynn, I feel as if YOU feel that you have been wronged...and are unsure of just how to react. Please remember that Mom loves all of her children. In my humble opinion what needs to happen is for one of the children (be it you or one of your sisters) need to take the high road and remember just who is terminally ill and dying and set about trying to restore peace in your mother's world. You mentioned that you and Mom are believers. Put these things in God's care. He will not let leave you alone and troubled. Follow His guidance and you will find the peace you are so in need of. And, do not let your siblings/cousins/aunts/uncles/etc. cause you to miss the last respect you can show your mother. Attend her final service, be it a traditional funeral or a celebration of life!

Leo lady, thank you for your thoughts. YES, we have always squabbled in one way or another. They all like to have negative people in their lives, they all need to be going through some drama every day, they all have to broadcast their problems to ALL relatives, including distant ones (and now that they are all on facebook. . . .need I say more???) And I DO plan to celebrate the life of my mother - by doing things she enjoyed and revisiting places we visited together - please see the post where I expressed my son's ideas for honoring her life (he has added that he hopes the moon is bright that night and the sky clear so we can look through the telescope at the moon like we did after grampa died. She had never seen the moon through a telescope before). I believe we are going to celebrate her life how WE knew her: here where she loved to come, away from all the fighting, drama, and anger. WHere we can honor her and our love for her without the stress. . .

emmyjo - I think you have a lot of insight into my thoughts and back story. THank you for your thoughts and encouragement. I think you nailed it with "Change the dynamic, stop allowing them to abuse you even 600 miles away."

Blessings to all. . . .

I find some of these comments disturbing. I realize not everyone has gone through the same situations but really there is no point in saying things such as " do you think she thinks you have failed her in any way?" Based on what? Even if she did it does not make it so, nor does it change Lynn's situation. Some things are not solvable. If there isn't enough money then there isn't. Or it could be time, or self protection. I don't know what the back story is here but I would guess that there is a history of being used in this way. Lynn you have a right and an obligation to protect yourself and your family: physically, financially and emotionally.
As someone who has been through a version of this I know that there was no time when the siblings were happy. No matter how much care I provided and it was 24/7, they were not happy and were continually threatening, fighting, undermining, steeling, and maligning. When I finally quit and turned the care over to another sibling because I was so impaired from the years of caring for them, no one cared, talked to me, took over, took better care, or any care of them. It was all about control and power. It was not about loving and caring for the person who needed it. If that had been the case they would have included me and I would have been loved and cared for by them as well. Just as you should have been and should be Lynn. You deserve care.
You should do what you need to do. If you want to spend the time with your mother then go and spend it and try to ignore the siblings. If you don't want to go and don't want to go to the funeral then don't. Change the dynamic stop allowing them to abuse you even 600 miles away. I know how hard that is. Remind yourself everyday that you are worth caring for.

The only advice is 'this too shall pass'. They are angry because they are resentful, because they are doing the heavy lifting. Did the sisters always squabble? Perhaps getting a neutral 3rd party [in my case, if was the doctor] that prescribes peace over pestering. You do want to go to the funeral, because like Rockinrobin said, it's not about you, it's not about her, a funeral is to celebrate the life of the person that passed. My parents had no funeral, I was cut in and out of their lives so many times, and also left abusive relationships and made a life for myself. Problem is, with family dynamics, they can't change their view of you [nor is it your job], but your mother is dying, and you all can be peaceful about it, for her sake. You can't change people, you can only change yourself. Ground rules need to be in place, and that's the best you can hope for, and just like one does with an abusive relationship, walk away from the craziness when it is all over, and remember mom fondly.

I have tried to talk to Hospice, the nurse, the caregiver who comes three times a week and had requested to speak with a social worker. I figure my best option is to not bring up what is going on between my siblings and me but to deal only with how mom is progressing and what has been ordered for her (shower chair, beds, etc). I never suggest anything, just ask questions and let tem answer. They were very curt and cold to me. I am just going to keep praying and plugging along as best I can. I can't fix my sisters and their attitudes toward me, there is a lot of background that has led to this point.

I think the most painful yet helpful part was when my mom, before she got this ill, had a good long talk with me - She said that for the first time in her life she truly understands me and who I am. She said, (here's the painful part) "YOU are the black sheep of the family, and you always have been, always will be. You just have to accept that and go with it. Noone in this family will ever be happy with who you are - but it isn't you. It's them - they aren't happy in their own lives and so they have to make you miserable too." That was the first time she actually admitted she sees what goes on, and it hurt. Yet it was very enlightening and the best advice she didn't realize she was giving me. LOL Her words has given me the strength I pull from when days are bad.

I am the only Christian in the family. I have been since I was a teen (p.s. I am 50 now. LOL). Noone else goes to church (except a few of my kids, a niece or nephew here or there). Mom is not (Claims she's "earthen"), and sisters are not (Because God did everything bad and wrong in their lives and it's HIS fault - I used to think that, too, until I met my fiance and new pastor, re-learned alot these last few years!). I speak to my pastor for guidance and comfort but bringing one into the situation would, I promise you, ignite a nuclear explosion as it did when dad died (and I wasn't the one who asked him to come!!!). My "earthen" mother did, LOL.

My calls with mom have gone better these last few days since I informed them all on speaker phone that she is MY MOM, TOO, and this business about me not being allowed to call when I want is going to stop. I tried SO HARD to not show anger (not sure I did very well), and continued with, "everyone else is allowed to call every day and I AM TOO. SO get ready because I am going to call every day if I want to." THen I said, "the two people who keep hanging up on me when I call (and I named names!) will stop it now. It doesn't deter me it only makes me call the house incessantly until I talk with my mom - if you truly wish to continue to annoy yourselves by making me call until I have my time with mom, then so be it, annoy yourselves away!!" All I heard in the background was "Are you serious??? You have been hanging up n her every time she calls? What the h*** is wrong with you?" THen I heard what sounded like angry mumbling. Maybe I didn't word things quite right, am pretty sure I had a lot of anger in my voice, but I haven't had a problem since! :-) Now, if only the caregiver had been there or the nurse - they might have gotten a different picture.

I know my siblings are doing what they can to deal with their grief nd hurt about mom, and I know we have major problems between us, I just never expected them to lash out at me the way that they have and the level of viciousness.

50sChild - thank you for your kind words and honesty. Your comment about me being "rogue" made me giggle and it reminded me of what she said to me back in winter about me being the balck sheep! :-) THank you. I think you are right - I hit "raw" when she was diagnosed and I collapsed for five days crying. I have had to accept this weekend/week that there is NOTHING left I can do except let her talk to me. The end is nearer than I want to admit. She's exploring her faith and she knows I am the only one who can explain things to her, so I just ler her talk and answer her questions. I definitely expect a different level and kind of raw to hit when I lose her, just as I felt with dad. Not ready for that. We just got to know each other these last few years and I am angry to be losing that. Am just glad that I have my son, my fiancee, his parents and his uncle - they have held me up on many days these past 6 months, and sometimes they have just hold me.

I feel for you! I am on the flip side to what you are dealing with. I say keep calling your mom. She is your mom! When I got my divorce,my siblings treated me like the bad guy. Have you tried talking with the social worker or chaplain. I have an awesome one that helps me deal with my siblings. She works with the Hospice group here.

Is Hospice involved? They provide a social worker (or at least they did with our mother's Hospice service), that is available to the nuclear family. Social workers can be incredibly helpful. Or not. You have shared you are spiritual -- perhaps a pastor, priest or minister can help sort through this, they often have some training in counseling. You are unfortunately cast as a rogue character in your siblings' eyes, and they are incapable of seeing otherwise (I can relate to being put in this position). It sounds like your dear Mom loves you, but is becoming too frail to deal with things, she is fading. You are now left with having to face her loss to you, prematurely. That is hard enough. But also you are going to have to learn to live with being the "rogue" in the rest of your family's eyes. I can tell you that is an unfounded casting of your character, but that doesn't help your pain. I'm sure you are feeling the catastrophic panic that comes from being helpless and having no control. I wonder if it would help to try to figure out what best you can do for your Mom, each moment you think of her and your heart breaks. What best can you do for her, given that (I believe), once active dying takes over, the frail person is leaving our realm and connections. It sounds like your siblings at least are trying to provide her comfort (and possibly over-reacting to you). I wonder if reaching way deep and trying to figure out how to support them, too, trying to understand their resentments and openly acknowledge "Yes, I also feel I have failed Mom and understand why you guys don't want me around -- what can I do to help in some other capacity?" -- how they would react to that. In other words, letting yourself go and focusing on others. I am going to say something really appalling, but in my own experience of my mother's death and being one foot from her breathing apparatus -- I am not sure my presence mattered to anyone but me. And worse, I could not hear her breathing stop. My sister had the baby monitor upstairs and actually heard my Mom's last breath -- AND TELEPHONED ME to tell me to check Mom. We were all so exhausted and crazy, it made me understand what my Mom meant when she very matter-of-factly said "I'm not sure how I feel about that" (everytime the topic of her dying and our being near came up). There is also a natural instinct to protect our children from the trauma of our dying. I also lived too far away to be there for the day-to-day. It has been nearly four years since Mom died, and I'm still raw with guilt. But beginning to accept I made my decisions as best I could and in retrospect, could not have done differently. You probably haven't reached "raw" yet -- you are still hoping there is something you can do to make everything ok. And sometimes there isn't, and you are not a bad person because of that.

Things are not ideal, and really, I have never seen a situation with siblings that one isn't at anothers throat. It would be a shame if you didn't go to your mother's funeral. Don't let them keep you away from that. Let's assume they will not start shouting there, and just go, and if you have to keep to yourself, so be it.

I am in a similar sticky family situation, so I sympathize with you. Just keep praying that everyone and everything will work out in a positive manner. Ask God to shine love into everyone's heart. If there is a prayer line, get on that. PRAY FOR LOVE. Answers will come. God hears prayers.

Lyn sorry wasnt judging just that i wouldnt care who says what or what people think i would stuff them all go and see your mum pay your respects and hold your head high thats all. This is about you and your mum saying goodbye i couldnt careless who was there id go for my sake. Im 48yrs old and if theres one thing ive learnt in life is stuff what people think do whats right for your highest good. Ive had to forgive alot too in the past and its not easy especially my sisters but i did it for me not for them.
We are just giving advice here not judging sorry if you took it up wrong i was just saying what I would do.
Do whats right for you in the end.

Ouch, kazzaa. . . . "I don't know how a 'christian' cannot go and forgive and just be there for mum. . . ." Please do not judge whether or not I have forgiven, need to forgive or whether or not I am Christian by my asking questions of this group. THat is NOT fair. I have had to forgive A LOT in the last few years since my divorce, from my own siblings including one of them breaking into my home and trying to steal my and my sons personal belongings to help my ex with revenge. ENough said. Needless to say, the limited info I have shared is not enough for anyone to judge so harshly. Besides, forgiving does not EVER mean that I must place my self at their feet as a doormat and take verbal abuse each time I walk in the door. Several people on here have suggested I admit my fault in this and talk with my sisters about keeping comments to ourselves in front of my mom, which my fiancee, my aunts and uncles, and cousins have all talked to me and my sisters about. I have held my tongue on every occasion when I have wanted to say PLENTY. Oh, man have I wanted to say plenty!!!! Because of what many have said to me here on this group, though, should an opportunity present itself again when I CALL my mom, I will address it with them again - kindly. This is NOT an easy decision, but I also do not feel that I need to subject myself to more mean and nasty remarks, being flipped off when I walk in the door, being asked to leave before I even get IN the door, and verbal assaults from them just to say farewell to my mother's physical body - especially since she will have been cremated by the time of the memorial. And, sadly, it isn't just my impression that I am not wanted - I have been told. If my presence and my son's presence is going to upset so many, then maybe it will be better for us to serve our own grief by doing something special together in her name and in her memory. She loved a special place here and has wished that she could have come here after getting out of the hospital but she has not been strong enough. I have sent her photos of her favorite place and my neice even made her several birthday gifts from me with those photos for her to look at near her bed. If I choose not to go, my son suggested we have a special day, eating pizza (SHe loves the movie Mystic Pizza), riding on a boat looking for whales (one of our vacations together was whale watching), and riding ponies (one of her favorite books as a child was about ponies). Then he suggested we throw a pysanky egg in the ocean for her to "find" one day. I have one here she always loved. I can promise you I already have regrets, and I WILL Have more regrets no matter if I go or if I don't. . . .just a matter of what KIND of regrets I wish to have. And which I can live with. . . . .

Lyn forget everything just be with your mum please dont have any regrets just be there for her and say your goodbyes. I have so many regrets over dad as he was a "bastard" but i forgave him just wish id forgiven him sooner he did try.
I dont know how a "christian" can not go and forgive and just be there for mum death is final there are no rewinds, i would hate you to have regrets! stuff everyone this is between you and losing your mum forever just be with her.

And please know that everything I said to you I have to remind myself of CONSTANTLY....but truly in the end, I think if you focus on your Mom, and what she needs now, then you will be able to move forward later knowing you did all YOU could do.....It's sad that you feel that your presence would not be wanted...I have felt those moments as well...you might be more welcome than you know, but regarding that, at that time, I think you should do what you think YOU need to do..

Thank you, Hope22, for your reminder and honesty about the truth being somewhere in the middle. Have heard that saying a lot in my life and had forgotten it. I am printing your post and a few others for a reminder to watch myself and look at myself harder. Taking a longer look at my actions, words, and looking more at what I can do for my mom. . . .

No, I don't need the funeral for myself. If mom's wishes are carried out, there will be cremation and a small memorial followed by a large family bar-b-que, that I know I will not be welcome at. My presence will not be needed - and again it's a darned if I do or don't situation. If I go, it will stir up anger amongst two of my sisters, and several others, but one is a little more understanding of late. She is starting to see things from both sides. And so am I, thanks to all your comments. Putting mom first and just focusing on what she wants from me.

Thank you all.

Lynn, This is for you, but for your siblings too. It's not about you! It's not about them. It's hard to realize, but they are not the enemy. Only you can determine if you will be ok with not attending mom's funeral. I really don't feel anyone writing on this site can make that judgment call for you. You're the one who has to live with it. You can't make your sibs be or feel something they aren't. If they can't except the fact that you can't drop everything and run home indefinitely, so be it. But I wouldn't hesitate to let them know you all need to agree on some sort of peace while mom is still with you. She doesn't need to be in the middle of sister spats. They need to keep the hateful snide remarks to themselves and stop laying it on mom. They need to grow up and suck it up for mom's sake. You can all do this.

There's probably years of sisterly discord prior to Mom's illnesses that are turboing under the stress and pain of losing mom. The mother of a friend of mine was slipping away - she had about two months. She was perfectly aware and alert. So when the family all gathered, she heard it all. The fighting between siblings, grandchildren. Finally, one of her kids called everyone together, away from Mom's hearing and ripped into them. He said that they needed to check their battles, arguments, etc. at the door before they entered Mom's house, and that unless and until they could behave like adults around Mom, they were to stay out. He told them that they had to work together to take care of Mom. Because it's all about Mom. They did, and Mom was able to savor her time with her family. At the funeral, a friend read a letter that she dictated to her friend. She talked about her life, her love of her family and even included a little note to a particular daughter to work with her siblings because they were now all that was left. My husband and I are the intown kids for my inlaws and my mom. We know the other kids and grandkids have lives and can't just drop everything for the long trip home. But for me, it's been about attitude. One sib calls me often, check on health of parent, calls our parent regularly, sends parent little gifts (nothing major, cards, candy), ASKS how she can help and follows thru. Another sib rarely calls to check on parent, even after the parent has been seriously ill, rarely calls parents, never asks how to help - has an attitude of " you have it all covered, you call me if something changes. I have a life to get back to." As to the funeral, you could try what I plan to do with a few family members when my mom passes - hold up my hand, tell them that I will not disrespect my mother by engaging in an argument at her memorial, and walking away from them.

This is so very sad. Trying to write about my thoughts is really difficult. What is that old saying, about you have the right side, the left side and then the "reality" lies somewhere in the middle......I don't know...Family is so complicated. All the hurt, all the baggage, all the heartache that has followed, and attached itself to you, to us all, that is now such a huge part of who we are....I see both sides.

The main issue right now, is what does your Mother need and what do you need to get through this journey together. Are there things you need and want to tell her that may be left unsaid? Tell her..find a way...Are there things she needs from you that will help her let go of this life in a peaceful way......What matters most now is peace...it would be preferable if that peace could be achieved by all of you together, but why, at these times in life, it seems almost impossible for people to be civil with one another...has always been hard for me to understand. I have been on the receiving end on the night before my Daddy's death of being cursed and threatened to be beaten up by a SIL who was angry that my Daddy's death was getting in the way of her beach vacation....I have also been on the giving end of not wanting to let a sibling come to the house because their very presence ticked me off to the point where I wanted to let them have it verbally but in the end, what truly mattered with my Daddy, is Daddy never heard the threat....and he passed peacefully at home surrounded by ALL of us....and Hospice helped with that, keeping the attitudes at bay with their social worker.....and my sibling does visit, because I know Mama needs him as much as she needs me...so it is not about me, but about Mama. How do you do it? One of the hardest things in the world to know....How do you put aside the anger, the hurt, sometimes even the "vow for eternal revenge against those who abandoned me and Mama (me as the caregiver here) ....but if you can find a way to put aside the hurt, the anger and the resentment long enough to help your Mom pass in a peaceful way....the funeral issue.....I don't know...for me, it has always been about How did I treat the person when they were HERE...because it surely does not matter once they are gone...UNLESS YOU need to be there for yourself? if you do, you have a right to be there. I am rambling...for that I apologize...the main thing I am trying to say is that what matters and what will help you Mom pass peacefully I think is to somehow put aside the drama...both sides...others have given such excellent advice...this is a very difficult situation, and not unlike so many of ours.....just different folks involved....try to find peace..try to help your Mom find peace between you and her...and when you have done all you can do...you will know ....in your heart...you did all you could...and that will help you move forward. The rest of it can be worked out...or not....after.

I thank you all for your honesty (even harsh honesty) because it IS making me look at all sides and I am exploring all avenues. Let me see what I can answer for you all and see if maybe more ideas and thoughts will come forward:

Have I been there for mom? Yes and, admitedly, No. Prior to my dad's death 10 years ago or so, I hardly was there for her. Mom and I were not close, even when I was little. She would not allow it - she even said that to me repeatedly. AFter I married, She used to tell me "I don't like you very much." LOL I used to tell her that's ok cuz she's still my mom and I love her. She would laugh and say "I love you too." I always took it in stride because she is what she calls "earthen" and I am Christian - so our spirituality clashed, she said. But when dad died, I was the one who stayed with mom after the funeral, everyone else left. The two sisters who live in her town wouldn't even come to visit. I knew it was their way of dealing with their grief, but mom needed us all then, too. So, I stayed for a month while my ex took the kids back home. I was there the day the funeral director brought over a box with dad's ashes in it, unannounced, placed them in mom's hands, said "have a nice day", and walked away. Mom just looked at me, tears welling up in her eyes and asked, "what the hell am I supposed to do now???" We walked aroudn thehouse, her holding 'dad' until we found a quiet place for "dad" to rest until we could place his ashes where he wished to be "buried" after the spring thaw. I wanted to stay longer, but she insisted I go home. I was there again a month later to check on her, and every other month there after. Plus she called whenever she needed me and I called at least once per week. For the first time we were developing a real relationship and we both loved it. We went on vacations together several times and We even developed a little game where, when I visited I hid a gift for her somewhere at her office at work, in her car or house. Sometimes something big other times, just something little. She hated when I left, but loved her scavenger hunts!!!

Until my divorce when it became too expensive for ME to travel to her regularly, so I sent her gas money, bus tickets, plane tickets, and such so she would come visit me, which she did, often, and loved it. She even ended up falling in love with the state I now live in and wanted to move here someday.

During those years since dad died, my other sisters have been in and out, some years giving a lot of time and money to help, and other years, not so much. But they all worked and had families so they did what they could. I had more money and was able to visit more often because I didn't work. And I would just load up the kids and go visit!!! I would say we have each given as we can, when we can, and all in all it is as balanced as possible. When some could give time but not money, they would, and vice versa. It just seems that they expect me to be the same person now that I was before. And I cannot be.

I do own my own business which would imply that I can just set my own hours, walk away and leave someone else in charge. My fiancee and I run the business together but I handle my accounts and he handles his. So until we are financially set enough to hire a couple of other people, I am a one man show - there is noone to leave in charge of my department but myself. And as this is my only source of income, I can only do so much. My neices and nephews are actually much more understanding than my sisters and my neices and nephews are actually the ones who do half of the caregiving to give my sisters the breaks they need.

I have gone from living in a household as a stay at home mom/wife where our income was $157,000 per year to the sole provider of my son on an income of about $27,000 per year. Two of my sisters are single and both make more money than I do while the other is married and makes 3 times my income. None have children to support. THeirs are all grown.

Am I making excuses for not going to visit again? Yes and no - no, because it IS extremely difficult on so many fronts, and YES, because WHEN I go, it causes more problems. My sisters even went so far as to accuse me of trying to "poison" my mother while we were there by feeding her lunch. Come to find out, it wasn't the food WE made her that made her sick it was what everyone else fed her after we left!!!

I love all your comments and replies because they are all making me do a deep self examination and helping me come to terms with all my mixed up feeling - please feel free to express your thoughts more for me. I do have to say, though, that I have finally reached the conclusion that I AM darned if I do and don't, in every aspect when it comes to my sisters. So I am just going to DO what I can. I call my mom each day because she WANTS me to call each day and we talk about things she wants to talk about. I send her photos of places she misses from here and she loves it. I tease her about her bad hair days and she giggles. I can't control what happens when she hangs up the phone, I can't control the bitterness they all feel inside, I can only do what mom wants and she wants to talk to me each day. Yesterday she asked me to pray for her, but not on the phone. After I hang up, she said. SO I did. . . . . .

I suspect that the Dr. cut off her medications because your mom entered hospice. Hospice takes care of the medications.

I don't know why your entire family hates you but once your mom passes away you'll never have to talk to them again. I think it's a shame that you won't be at her funeral. And I think it's a shame that if you were to go to the funeral other people would act out and behave badly. We ARE talking about adults here, right?

I will admit this- which I never did to anyone - here at home and here at agingcare. When my mom was dying last year, I almost did not want to tell my siblings who live in the mainland. I spent 23 yrs helping dad caregive mom. We have asked repeatedly for help from my 7 siblings. Father gave up - said he hates begging. Those 4 siblings told me that they want to come home for mom's Funeral - for closure.

So, when my friends here on AC told me that my mom was close to the end, I debated for a while. I wanted to wait until mom died and then tell my siblings that now they can come home to attend mom's funeral. In the end, I knew that I could not live with myself if I did not tell them - so that they can drop everything and fly ASAP to say their goodbyes with mom. All but 1 made it.

Then there was mom's siblings. I can count with both hands how many times they visited mom in over 13 years. I asked my siblings if we should call mom's siblings to let them know she's dying. We all voted No. Aunts/Uncles would have been like Your Siblings - all trying to rule and take over. I still feel bad that mom's own sister/brother did not say their goodbyes. But, I just have to remind myself how Rarely they visited mom, their own sister. Then I don't feel bad.

Like I said, I see both parties' side.

I dont know but sounds to me that they must feel you werent there for them or your mum so i can relate to thier anger. My sister hasnt seen mum in 3yrs and never asks about her if she comes visiting when mum delclines i will do everything in my power to see she does not get to see mum and my mum does not want her near her shes never helped out ever we are not too happy about her coming to the funeral but i wouldnt stop her i want to see her sorry face when its all too late.
Sorry im not judging you as i dont know the ins and outs but the only reason i can think of your sisters anger towards you is they feel you were not much help in the past also the fact that the nurses and staff and cold with you aswell tells me its not just your sisters? My sister will be banned from seeing mum if she goes into a NH and thats agreed by me and my other siblings.
I dont know what to say but do you feel you were a huge help to them in caring for mum did they get respite did you helpout? you have to ask yourself these questions and see thier point.

This reminds me of the story of someone I know. He and his wife had a critically ill child. The married couple had been fighting with each other for years. One day the man quit his job, then flew across country to be with a woman he talked to on the computer. He left wife and children. He tried occasionally to visit, but there were always the fights with the wife. The children continued to live in dread of all the drama.

Finally, the little girl was dying. When she was lying in the hospital, the father came back. The egos of the man and ex-wife were so strong that they couldn't even stop fighting then. Finally the little girl said, "Daddy, just leave and don't come back." It isn't that she didn't love the man who had walked out on them. She was just tired of all the drama.

Lynn, your mother may feel this way. She may love all of you, but she is just too sick to deal with the drama. You and your sisters need to come to an understanding without her being pulled into it. I don't know the history from all sides of this situation, but your mother needs peace. How your mother feels is the most important. Write a letter or send emails to your sisters to see if you can heal some of the hard feelings between you without pulling your mother into it. I hope that there is some healing for all of you.

They also may think that you're no longer married, therefore, you can spend more time with mom while they have some 'vacation' time from caregiving. You have your own business, they don't. So, as the boss/owner, you can set your own rules, leave the company with capable hands and come visit mom for a longer time. They did all the hard work caregiving, cleaning, caring for mom. Yet you come, waltz in, and then waltz out. I'm not saying that is what I believe. But from your siblings point-of-view. And everyone else. (When my dad became bedridden 2 years ago, I now had 2 bedridden parents. Everyone assumed that I would quit my job to take care of them 24/7. Even the govt caregivers. I said over and over that I cannot quit my job. That we are not independently wealthy. We still have bills to pay. They understood. But a minute there, I felt I was being judged by them because I refuse to quit my job.)

I agree about the short time you spent with your mom. It's darn if you and darn if you don't. You stay longer, your sibs will throw a ruckus. You cut it short, and you miss out on sharing more time with your mom.

You need to figure out what it is you really want in life. What you really feel about your mom's eventual death. Are you finding excuses to avoid spending the last few weeks with your dying mom? If it's too hard for you, maybe it's time to go back to visit mom. And have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her of your feelings and fears. And say your goodbyes - if you have no plans to visit her again because your sisters will throw a hissy fit. Up to you. Do what you know you can live with. No regrets.

And Lynn, you can also see it from your mom's viewpoint. She won't be here to see you marry, to see her grandkids grow, graduate and marry. But I think, if you do that heart-to-heart talk with her, you can tell her that you will miss her for your wedding, etc.... I don't know... I see your side, I see your siblings side, and I feel bad for your mom. Just do what you can live with.