How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?

OMG.... vstefans... Hearing this from someone out of the circle of non-believing "We have mom's interest" people, it is so eye opening... Especially, the one sister, that I trust the most, told me" I don't see any difference since I was there last year".... and questioned me about a lamp that I didn't remember, duh? and believed mom on everything... I think her husband, is feeding her, her lines and she is like a sponge (mind) totally agreeing with him on the problem at hand.... they are having a lot of financial problems, and he is fed up with us.... born rich, losing his rich and could care less about what's going on. I probably shouldn't say that, but I can tell the difference when he is around and when he isn't, when we are talking on the phone. She is much harshier with me and not so supportive, but when he is around and can hear us, she is very short, questioning and downright accusing me of having mental problems... thank you vstefans.... yes, I know things could be different, but with 4 of us, pushing mom and me one way or another, I am stuck....mom is somewhat coming around with me about a will, etc.... but, then a sibling calls, and there is excuse after excuse for her not to do it. Mom has recently gave me 40 dollars to shop with for the month...hahahahha...... and I do the cooking lol.. writing this is so pathetic, I have to laugh or go freaking crazy....and you hit the nail on the head with" heads in the sand" ......basically, to answer your question on my income..... I settle and go to good will...

Wait, what? Not a real farm, just a pile of junk that can rust away just as peacefully as if you do nothing with it, and 100 yards away and that's not close enough? W.T. h-e-double hockey sticks. And you gave up everything else you had, you get no recognition for what you have done, AND you stand to get nothing...while you use your reduced social security check to take care of Mom and Dad and they give you nothing - and - and - and I repeat: W.T. h-e-double hockey sticks! That really is pitiful, so absolutely have a pity party for how this has all played out, but at some point you need to say the party's over! You absolutely should not be paying all Mom's expenses instead of trying to do something to provide for your own retirement - what on earth, why on earth is this OK with anybody (besides your mom, who by all accounts is not thinking straight, despite what heads-in-the-sand siblings wish to believe??) Has no one ever given you permission, let alone a mandate, to take care of yourself? it is noble to want to avoid being a burden, but how can you, if you end up with no home, no employment, no friends or activities in your life, and such a meager income?

when I mentioned earlier about a "farm"....it is not a working farm.... just a lot of grass and unused equipment, rusted and no longer used. I receive a small social security check from retiring early..to help mom and dad.. So don't misunderstand, and think I have the money to support a mother, who thinks everyone should work for free, and refuses to give me money for groceries, her dogs food etc..... I am totally busted. My family does not help me either. Even my whole family, uncles, cousins etc.... never ask how "I'm doing"..... just how is my mom.... I guess, sometimes I feel like the hired help, but with no monetary compensation, or a "atta girl" your doing a great job... just wanted to clarify. We are by no means well off. In fact, I don't know how much longer the house I live in, will still be standing. ""sigh"""" around and around and around we go.. thanks to all for sharing your helpful answers and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.

vstefans...... Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I feel so alone and sad all the time. No friends, due to the fact, I might ask (Lord forbid) for a favor... lol I try not to be a burden to anyone and have lost everything.... my job, my health, my friends, my bank accounts and I could go on and on I guess. When I start thinking that way, I feel like I AM the one wanting a pity party ;( thanks everyone for letting me vent ;) I really DO appreciate this site and the help, good or bad from everyone who posts.. like I said before, brothers and sisters in arms!!!!!!

and Ashlynne, I can totally relate to you and your living situation with "mother". I live next door, but have to take care of a big farm, with over 300 acres... all by myself, with mother and no other help.

I still do love it here, I do not live with her, but I do live about 100 yards away. I refuse to give up my sanctuary to live with her. My family wants me to move in, but remember, "mother" seems normal to us..... They all want what's here when she is gone, but no one helps with the upkeep and "mother". She has no will, poa etc..... the only thing I have is her medical poa.. but, I was informed recently, that any decisions should go through all the siblings first... she is 83

Hopeless, yours is truly a case of no good deed goes unpunished. You pulled off a minor miracle in getting your mom medicated and acting and feeling better, and now no one can imagine that's what made the difference. If it helps any, my daughter's fiance just got started on a little Celexa after some very angry episodes on his job, and its been the same kind of turnaround. (PTSD? What PTSD?) - He is a veteran and highly entitled to his PTSD, and hopefully will continue getting support and counseling for it - he is very good at what he does, and they made it a point that if he got help he got to keep his job.

Anyways, FWIW, *I* believe you! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's sharp as a tack" just because my mom recognized people and conversed a little, plus could memorize the date from the sign on the wall long enough to give the doctor the right answer...well I would not be a millionaire but I'd have enough for a couple months worth of good coffee.

Magicianne, it sounds like you need a family meeting refereed by either the police or a DHS social worker. They may not want to believe Mom has dementia and find it easier to believe you are the bad guy, but maybe someone can set them straight that sometimes dementia comes with delusions. And I hope you can get your dad out of there!

There is so much in all the posts that I have read that is my mother, in one aspect or another. At first, no one believed me, I tried desperately for someone to just listen, until I found this site.

I am coping better, and finally got my mother to go to the doctor, and they re-prescribed my mother her medicines. Zoloft, Xanax, blood pressure medicine, Namenda etc.... Now everyone who was on my side as far as believing me, with how she acted and how she treated me, believe that maybe I'M THE ONE with the problem. After dealing with my father's passing, all the while dealing with her, and still no help from family or friends. (They at one time believed me.) Now with mother starting back on her prescription medication, she is more calm and can hold a conversation a little longer. Soooo, it must be me now.

Now, I hear, I don't see what your saying about mom. She seems to be doing so much better after father has passed. Little do they know, but the questions they ask, and her replies are basically what I have told her. She NOW can repeat questions, from what I have been telling her. It is going around full circle again. No one called her after my father died. NOW on mother's day, no one can see any difference in her behavior from before my father passed... AM I the one lost? or is my mother still the narcisstic, pity seeking woman she has always been?

I would really like a response, from anyone so that I know I'm not the one going through mental illness. I am totally at wits end. Either that, or my sisters and brother feel, they don't have to worry as much. Maybe, I'm just helpless forever

Wait a minute. How come 3 adults in the house can't (or won't) give him his meds. Why? Is there something underlying like wanting him gone to a NH, wanting his money or? I know that sounds harsh but there must be some reason they won't co-operate. As you have guardianship can you force the issue and have him put in a NH or AL? How is he mentally?

My mother has Parkinsons, has had a number of strokes (which she's come back from) and has had dementia for some years. She has life long been a narcissistic, mean and evil woman, knocking me about and pushing me away since I was very small and all I do and have done for her is merely duty. I gave up my home and career to move 200km and spend 4 years as a slave/punching bag, trapped in her basement, unable to go anywhere due to her constant falls and demands. Every ER in that small city has a chair with my name on it and I was almost on a first name with the paramedics. Eventually she had a major fall and spent a month in hospital, bitching all the way. Our doc advised that I put my foot down and not take her back as the social services agencies will just keep tossing them back to you and write them off.

Planning to move back into the country and lead a simpler lifestyle, I got her into a lovely NH not far from the wee cottage I bought. She's Jekyll and Hyde - she'll be reasonable for a few days, then she'll be on the phone ranting, raving and bashing me over the head. Of course it's just the dementia and she'll nap and have forgotten all about it but each episode leaves me rattled. I get to the stage where my stomach thunders at the mere thought of having to deal with her.

I recently took a stand and when she gets nasty I don't call or visit for a few days, when I get weepy messages on my phone "Don't abandon me, you're all I've got". Eventually call her and sort her out and she's fine ... for a while. She has no friends, having alienated the few she had over the years so I'm "it".

This afternoon I got a call from her.

(1) Someone called her between 8 & 9 last evening, was it me? Nope. I know to call just after breakfast or lunch as she sleeps most all the time. Well she was mad about it and bashed me for ever daring to think I could call in the evening.

(2) "I've been thinking (that's always bad for my health!) I should get a little house like yours". Really? Reminded that she can't look after herself, can't get groceries, cook (hasn't used more than a microwave in 15 years), clean, deal with garbage or take care of a house she screamed at me "Yes I can" - she can't even walk unaided! When she gets on these toots her answer to "Who's going to take care of you?" is "YOU" ... nope, not happening, I can't do 24/7 which is what she needs.

Spent today up a ladder - in the middle of renos to this wee cottage which needs a lot of work, along with 2 acres which takes me 3 hours to mow with the tractor. In the middle of nowhere surrounded by fields and forests I love it here and am prepared to work to make it a nice little home.

I am NOT prepared to take any more of the cr*p I've taken for a lifetime. My phone just went and I let the machine pick it up. It's her again and I'll listen and take a nap with my dogs/cats. I will not call her back. I may eventually change my phone number so she can't get at me. I've been considering it for some time.

My point is that, eventually, you have do the best you can, give it your all and have the courage to walk away. The relief is incredible.

I'm in Canada so I don't know what help there would be in the US. If you have court ordered guardianship can that be enforced somehow so you can get your dad into AL or a NH?

Animals are truly awesome, I have an older female doberman and when my mother who has dementia moved in with us she sense something and would never leave my mothers side,,this is a dog that has slept in my bed next to me for years, I would find her laying outside my mothers door in the middle of the night. when my mother would leave her bedroom door open I would find her in bed with her. My mother found so much comfort in this, Sadly we had to place my mother in a nursing home and now my dog is back to sleeping with me. My mother always asks about her dog. Its amazing to me how they pick up on stuff like this.

Well today I had taken my 83 yr old shopping at Home Depot for patio chairs and to his bank. He was criticizing me on my driving skills. He wanted me to cut into the right turn lane in order to go through the intersection rather than waiting for the cars in front of me to make a left hand turn. I was in the left lane which is the lane that goes straight and makes a left hand turn. I yelled at my dad, I am not going to risk an automobile accident and a traffic violation because you are very impatient. Then he says don't talk to me like that. He no longer drives because of his lympodemia in his legs due to his prostrate cancer surgery 18 yrs ago. He hasn't driven for a year since his diagnosis. He gets very angry when I tell him that I have plans to do something and when I couldn't take him anywhere. He gets very verbally abusive. After we had finished over shopping at Home Depot, we proceed across the street to his bank. He started yelling at the bank tellers and the staff that he never gets any service. He yelled that he needed a chair to sit because his legs hurt. He said I have over a $1 million in this bank and you guys cannot afford to get me a chair. I told him to shut up! Then he yelled at the gentleman bank teller who served us. He said to him who are you looking at? I told dad to shut up. Then he yelled at me and said that I have no idea what it is like to be in pain. Then I thank the gentleman to try to smooth things over. My dad always does this whenever he goes to his bank. I am so sick and tired of it. I was so livid. I didn't speak to him in the car. He even yelled at the bank manager when we were leaving because he wasn't available to talk to him. His secretary says he has to sign in and wait until he is done. Then my dad says GOODBYE! My father has always been mean and nasty throughout his life it is not because he is elderly and health declining It is in his DNA! It has been very hard for me since I moved back home last year to care for my wheelchair bound mother. I can no longer have a descent conversation with my father except when it comes to gardening. Then again growing up, I could never have an intelligent conversation with dad. I just go into another room whenever I can or work out in the basement to rel eave stress. I am sorry what you had to go through. I know what it is like. My life is over because I am broke. I was denied uemployment insurance yesterday because I didn't work enough quarters last year to earn an benefit check even though I work six months at my last job. I was laid off a week ago. So I only have 300 in my checking account. I have to be very careful now that my car insurance is due in two months and my tags are due. My parents use to give me a stipend almost every week of $20 but now dad doesn't want to because it is his money. He has gotten more stingier when my mom has been away last yr at a nursing care facility. People tell me to let it roll but it is easier said then done.

My sister, who lives a few thousand miles away, volunteered to come stay with mom for a week so my husband and I could go on vacation. In the past mom has behaved irrationally and spoiled our vacation plans. My sister is well aware of the dynamic since we both lived under mom's abusive personality. Mom is a very physically healthy hypochondriac who needs a relatively simple eye surgery. Since I've had to deal with irrational behavior during her other simple medical procedures, my sister offered to stay and go through the procedure and follow up. Mom has absolutely refused, told me I was a terrible daughter for not wanting to be with her in her time "of need" and refuses now to have the procedure at all. I am tired of the constant manipulation and neediness and wish I could trade houses with my sis. Thanks for listening. We're all in that same boat, aren't we?

Think the other way around...You will one day be old w/the health issues tearing you down...
Think about how you would feel and your own children that you took care of since birth turns their back on you?

MindingOurElders,

Can you do that? Turn your mother over to Social Services and walk away? In the 5 years I've been caregiving and researching caregiving I've never heard of that. I've even had a class in elder law and nothing was ever mentioned.

It kind of sounds like those people in Nebraska who were dropping off their troubled teenagers at the hospital because the law on no questions asked for unwanted infants was written too broadly. I've got to admit I had some fantasies when that story was in the news.

My mother sounds like a duplicate of Magicanne's mother. Mean, mean, mean and always has been. I know age with dementia and strokes and lack of blood to the brain can change a personality, but this is just the same old personality. Her hearing and sight are diminishing but her mouth still works loud and clear.

Any ideas on how I can defend myself against this form of elder abuse? She can't be turned loose on her own. That would be inhumane. But I'd sure like to get rid of her. Do you really think Social Services would take her on?

Welcome, Mystery Sue. We're glad you're here.

Believe it or not, the idea that your mother is totally different when others is around is common. The frustration for the caregiver is nearly overwhelming, at times, when we have to deal with this. You see this woman charming those around her and acting normal, and when they leave you are the whipping post. People here understand that.

Was your mother always like this, or is this a personality change? That does make a difference. Aging brings on many loses, and even basically nice people sometimes take out their own frustration on the person closest to them. But if she was always abusive, and is just more so now, then you are dealing with something different.

Either way, you need to find a way to get some relief by getting away for awhile. I hope you'll check out your state aging services. There should be a phone number online. They could direct you to local help - perhaps your Area Agency on Aging.

However, if the situation if bad enough, you may have to turn your mother over to Social Services (along with her finances), and separate your living quarters. You can't go around feeling like you want to kill yourself. Thankfully, you do have your spiritual life. But, honoring your mother doesn't mean destroying yourself. Please look for some relief, and keep coming back here to vent. It does help to talk it out with those who understand.
Carol

Thank you Rainbow Painter. I'll be back when I have more time.
Blessings to you too. :)

MysterySue

Welcome MysterySue. I hope you do find solace in this wonderful place and perhaps some solutions to your situation as well. Just know that you are not alone and by coming here and expressing your thoughts and words is big step in releasing the tension that builds walls between you and the one you are giving of yourself in caring for their needs.

Just don't forget that you need to take care of YOU as well. We're here, we care and many are or have been where you are right now. I hope you return to share more when you can. Blessings to you, Rainbow Painter

Hello,
I just found this site and I am so glad I did. I hope this will be a place where I will be welcome and where I'll feel free to tell some of my story and vent because I definitley need to do that. I am just about at my wits end and don't know how much more I can stand. I live with and care for my 92 year old mother (and 7 cats) in her home. I'm never happy and, after saying goodbye to one of the few friends I have (she went back home today after visiting for a few days) and the
experience at the doctor's today and another upsetting talk with my mother after we got home, I am so depressed, sad, lonely, and discouraged that if it wasn't for my religious beliefs, I would kill myself. I really would.
I feel like taking Tigger, my cat (thank God for her), and just leaving and let my mother get along the best way she knows how. She is not a loving mother. I am convinced that she has no love for me whatsoever as her daughter, that she only thinks of me as her servant and that that is my purpose for being on this earth. Not only does she not show any love for me, she doesn't even show me any respect.
She is so contrary and has a very nasty disposition when something doesn't suit her, and getting old and her condition in general doesn't suit her at all. She puts on a front when she's around other people. She doesn't act at all around other people the way she does when it's just me and her. And when something doesn't suit her, she takes it out on me by snapping at me as if it's my fault. She would never talk to anyone else that way, including to my sister. Most of the time she sits in her chair with her hands in her lap. She is very depressed and doesn't care about anything or anybody. It's pitiful. I'm so glad that I have a room where I can be in when I'm not having to do something for her. I couldn't stand to be around her all the time.
I desperately need someone to talk to about these things, someone who's willing to listen and who will understand exactly what I'm feeling.
I have to go now but I hope to come back here soon if I'm welcome to.

Good luck to all of you. My situation is bad but after reading about some of the situations with people on here, I see that there's others with a lot worse problems than mine.
Take care,
MysterySue

Wonderful advice from all of you. That's what makes this group so special. It's amazing sometimes, what kind, but firm, questions can accomplish, even with an elder with dementia.

Also, parents often "get" something, even when you don't think they will. I felt I had to see my mother at the nursing home every day, and do her "special things." After dementia and some other issues put her in occasional abusive moods, I'd struggled. One nurse said, "Just don't come tomorrow!" I couldn't imagine that. I just put up with it. But one time, I'd had enough. The next day, I just couldn't go up to see her. I didn't even call. Boy, when I visited the following day, she was sweet as pie. I learned something about standing up for myself that day (I'm still learning, a little at a time).

oldestdaughter, sounds like your Mom is angry within herself and is simply taking it out on you because you are all that she has. She may benefit from some counseling to help her surface her anger in a safe place, and some medication to help her manage her underlying anxieties. Some day, if you feel up to it, without any anger in your voice, ask her what is really making her so angry, then listen. Ask her if she is afraid, then listen. Tell her that while you are unable to help her with her anger, there are trained professionals with whom she may share and vent her anger who may be able to help her. Let her know that you may need to consider alternate living arrangements for her. You have not said that she suffers from dementia. If she does not, sometimes honesty and caring confrontation is a pretty healthy alternative to caregiving relationship issues. Your mental health is important and you should avoid holding it all in. Start with the source and see what happens. You may be surprised. In fact, your Mom may be the most surprised of all. If it is hard for you to initiate and have that discussion, ask a therapist or counselor to facilitate the discussion for you to help you get some things out on the table. As I see it, you have no other choice if you wish to retain your sanity, self esteem and marriage. Will be rooting for you!

Oldest daughter - No your Dad wouldn't want you to continue doing something that is costing you so much heartache and potential problems in your marriage. You have to ask yourself what he would say to you right now if he were still here.

If my Dad were still able to understand what was going on around him, he'd be so furious with my Mother for what she's putting me through. She's on her 5th attorney and still fighting me. Dad doesn't have long to live and I'm trying to spend as much time with him as I possibly can. And yet, my Mom is spending all of her time inventing things to accuse me of. When my Dad passes, I am ready to walk away and never see or talk to my mother again. She will (probably) live a very long life....the mean ones always do....but it will be lonely and miserable because she has cut herself off from most of the family. I hope I won't worry much about it when that happens.

As for you, I will pray that you and your husband will support each other and grow closer as you work at repairing the damage your mother has created. Don't let her have control over your marriage. Don't let her destroy what is so important to you.

Thanks Carol for the kind thoughts, I know in my heart of hearts that Dad would not want me to keep a promise that would cause me so much heartache, but that doesn't make it any easier. I truly love my Mom, it is just her actions and words hurt so much. It just helps to know I am not the only person going through this.

When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a nursing home." It's hard not to do this. For those who have not already done it - the best answer is, "I will always try to do my best for you, but we don't know the future, so I can't promise that."

You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.

You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.

Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.

Carol

This site is wonderful, I felt that I was the only person feeling certain feelings and now I know there are others having the same problems. My Dad passed away in May from lung cancer. I took care of him and my Mom who is now in remission from lung cancer. They had been married for 56 years and were only teenagers when they wed. My Mom is so angry all the time. She directs it mainly at me, because I look like my Father. She changes on a dime. First she will be nice, then turn around and be so hateful that it is all I can do not to just walk out and never come back. My Dad knew there would be trouble when he found out he didn't have long he made me promise not to stay away from my Mom, cause that is what I used to do when they were mean, I felt that if I stayed around I would say things that couldn't be taken back. So now here I am listening to my Mom talk about what a failure I am at every thing I do. I never do any thing correctly, quickly enough, or to her liking. Sometimes I want to scream at her that she acts like a selfish little child, but I remember my promise to Dad. I find crying helps to relieve the stress. Trouble is, Mom is only part of my stress. My husbands Mom has cancer too and between our Moms we hardly have time for us anymore. I feel there is distance between us. I don't even feel I had any time to grieve for my Dad. Thanks for listening.

Austin -
Thanks for the cyber hug! Things are calming down a bit with my Dad. He's been in his new Intermediate Care Facility for a week now. The daytime staff there is great. I'm not sure about the night shift, though. They don't seem to have the same sensitivity as the day shift. But one thing's for sure....they all know that I'm there as a permanent fixture and can see what's going on. I make sure that I'm there for at least one of his meals. And I also go back in the evening to help get him settled in for the night. Because this is the weekend, I know there are a lot of other family members who will be visiting, so it takes some of the responsibilities off of my shoulders.

My mother continues to visit every 4 to 5 days for about an hour or less. My brother came with her on Thursday. In a fit of his anger, my brother ripped all of the family pictures off of my Dad's wall. I can't even imagine what caused him to do this. I spent the time yesterday to put the pictures back up, taping the ripped ones back together, smoothing out the creases, etc. As my Dad's guardian, I now must make a decision on whether my brother's visits are harmful to my Dad.

I did get a new attorney...a woman this time. My other attorney was fine for geting the guardianship, but he seemed to turn into a milktoast lately. He was more about giving in than fighting for what I needed for my Dad. I finally had 'enough' and started searching for a new attorney. This one isn't afraid of going into a courtroom. I've found there's actually a term called "Court Phobia" where a lot of attorneys try to resolve things out of court rather than have to actually go into a courtroom. My new attorney is going to fight for me and, consequently, for my Dad. Yea!

Things are starting to settle down. Dad is in a good place. The staff there knows that I'm doing what's best for my Dad. They all seem to be on the same page as I am.

Dad has come out of his 'fog' a little and is starting to be able to carry on conversations again. He continues to talk about things from other times of his life and so doesn't always make sense. But he's back to having a sense of humor and enjoying his visitors. He's still on Hospice and isn't expected to be around more than a few months. But I'm grateful for his improvement, no matter how small. Oh, by the way, the care facility staff said that a lot of patients come to them from the hospital and are sleep-deprived. That's why they sleep almost non-stop for the first few days when they get there. Last Sunday, my Dad slept most of the time my husband, sons and I were visiting. Last night, my husband visited with him and they had a great conversation. Big difference!

I will keep you all posted as to what happens next! Thanks for your continued support.

Magicianne
I am sorry for all you are going. At least the hospital staff intervened at times which is great but unusual. I know there is nothing I can say to bring any comfort to you except that when I talk to God I will ask for some measure of comfort for you and wisdom for that family of yours. I can not imagine how you are coping with all that you have going on at this time and all I have to offer is my friendship. I do not know if your reading the bible esp. the psalms would help take you away from your life for a while. I so wish I could be there in person for you and give you a hug.

I do not know where to even begin, I am so frustrated, angry, hurt, and resentful.

My 67 year old father-in-law was diagnosed with Parkinson's approx. 5 years ago. After my mother-in-law died (3 years ago) we noticed that he was not caring for himself. He showed lack of concern of personal grooming, doing things outside of the home, or even energy. After a several discussions with my husband I reluctanely moved into my father-in-law's home with my husband, myself, and my three children. (my father-in-law has always been an ungrateful person and very degrading of my husband - therefore my reluctance) I agreed because I saw the concern in my husband's eyes when he thought of his dad being alone across town.

At first his needs were basic, laundry, preparing meals, preparing his daily medications, transporation to doctor's appts. etc. However, in February of '08 my nightmare started. My father-in-law began to swell in the feet and legs. After taking him to his Cardiologist he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and placed in the hospital. He spent the next 8 months in and out of hospitals 11 times. During this past 8 months he has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Kidney Stone, Deterioration in his back and ankles, Depression, and Anxiety.

Now, he is considered "home bound" and needs help doing pretty much everything on a personal stand point (banking, paying bills, meals, etc.) His physical care varies. He has his days when he needs help putting on his clothes, obtaining things cuz he can't walk, and then he has days when you wouldn't know he suffered from all these conditions.

Although his physical health has stabled his mental health has gotten out of control. And so has mine!!

I won't trouble you with every little detail but in the past year and a half of living here my father-in-law has not only degraded my husband on a almost daily basis but he has also began degraded myself and now my children. (I have a daughter that is 17, a step son that is 17 and a son that is 6).

My father-in-law name calls, has been in my face screaming at me, has called the police on my husband (trying to have us removed from "his" house), has been in my step-sons face telling him to get out of "his" house, downgrades the way I cook, look, and handle my life. He fights us on his care. He refuses to use his medical assistance devices and cancels half the doctor's appts we set for him. He even complains on a daily basis to us and anyone else that listens that he wants supper at 5 o'clock and I should do it when he wants it now when the family wants it. I was not brought up in a family environment of such distress I am like on eggshells. I never know what he is going to do and say. I have been to my wits end and packed my things up and was heading to my mom's house but then both my husband and my father-in-law beg me to stay. For the sake of my husband, I do. But now it's getting very hard to keep a positive attitude.

I want to move out for the sake of my children but my husband avoids the situation. What does someone do?

On Sept. 6th, Dad suffered multiple strokes which affected his left side. He was in the hospital for 4 days....then we moved him to an SNF for rehab. That next Sunday, he had a TIA which affected the left side of his face (drooping) and slurred his speech. This time, I had the ambulance take him to a hospital that has a stroke trauma unit. That was Sunday the 14th. He's still in the hospital. His condition has worsened. Not only from the vascular dementia (he's really starting to hallucinate more) but also from the brain damage from these last series of strokes. The doctors told me last Friday that it's all irreversible. The PT and OT aren't working. Dad has lost his spacial / perceptual abilities. He wants to get out of bed but panics when they even move him from side to side to change his sheets. They recommended Hospice in an ICF. I've been running as fast as I can to get his Medicaid application processed so it'll pick up the cost of the ICF. I've visited and toured facilities and chose one that has a very good reputation and it's homey and the staff seems to really care. My mom, in the meantime, has hired herself another attorney and continues to fight me in what I'm trying to do. She had her attorney send me a 'do not contact' letter which is ludicrous. I'm at the hospital 12-14 hours each day. She comes for a 30-45 min. visit every 3 to 4 days. And yet, she wants to take me back to court to fight for visitation every day from 4:00 - 8:30. I said 'no', that I wasn't going to leave Dad alone for 4-1/2 hours each day in the off chance that she might decide to visit. The 2 brothers are continuing to throw wrenches in the works in support of mom. I finally had to tell the hospital staff not to give them any information on Dad's condition because they were making things worse. The 3 of them showed up at the hospital last night and hovered around Dad's bed, handed him a pen and had him sign a legal document. The nurse saw what they were doing, ran into the room and told them it was illegal. Then she ran to get the social worker who called me. By the time I got there, they were leaving. I have no idea what they had him sign, but whatever it was, it's illegal. I'm his legal guardian and he can no longer sign things.

This whole thing has been the worst nightmare in the world. At a time when I want to be spending with my Dad, I'm constantly having to get on the phone to talk to attorneys and put out 'fires' that my brothers are setting. This afternoon, the hospital quality control manager asked for a meeting with me because my brother called and complained about what I was doing. She looked at my legal documents and said she'd call him back and tell him that everything I was doing was legal. He even complained that the hospital staff was 'spying' on them last night when they had Dad sign whatever that form was.

The nurses tell me that everyone responds to terminal illness in their own way. And that may be what is going on with my mother and brothers. Thank goodness my two sisters are supportive of me and what I'm doing for our Dad.

Has anyone ever had someone like this to deal with???

Deadre and Magicianne -how are you gals doing.