My 90 year old father is being released from the hospital after suffering from a mild stroke, he also has dementia. My grown children and I are planning on alternating stays so he has 24 hr care when he is released. I want to keep him in his home as long as possible but am worried about personal hygiene. The nursing staff has told me that he now needs moderate help with toilet/showering. How can I ask my sons to have to clean their grandfather after restroom breaks? Nor can I bring in an outside agency every my father needs cleaned. I don't know what to do. My father has always feared being "stuck" in a nursing home and I want to honor his wishes, but is it fair to expect my children to be able to handle this type of care?
My mother threw a fit but none of us could care for her( more her mental health) but now she is happy there, as much as she pretends she isn’t. She has friends her own age, activities she can handle and is in a safe environment with professional care. We couldn’t have provided any of that for her.
My Dad is 90, his 6 grandchildren range from 7-33, with 5 being under 23. The eldest 2 are my sons. There is no way my sons could manage personal care for their grandfather.
Oh, Dad had a massive stroke 4 years ago, he had months of rehab and made a remarkable recovery. He spends his summers at the cottage and my younger son stays with him. Why? It is in a rural area, the neighbours are more than a shout away and Dad is getting weaker and less steady. Dad needs daily check ins to make sure he is up and about.
Dad manages his shopping and most meal prep, but it is a day trip from the cottage to town, so my son accompanies Dad to help when Dad tired and do the bulk of the driving.
Dad knows that I will not provide any help with toileting. That is one of the lines in the sand. I would never expect the kids to either.
Good luck. This site has helped me with a lot of situations. I hope you get some peace of mind with all the advice. At least you can see other options available.
Yes my husband has had terrible anger fits at the 15 yr old but it doesn't deter him. He loves his grandpa and does not understand the disease process but accepts him as he is. I don't think it is too much to ask your sons but the decision should be theirs without pressure or guilt put on them. As I said each family and each person is different. Good luck.
You didn't mention do you work outside of the home? Do your children? I can only add to the good advice you have already gotten. Taking care of a loved one at home is very hard, especially when it comes to toilet/showering. I can tell you, especially with the dementia, your father's needs are only going to get worse.
See how it goes for a week or two and then maybe readdress the situation. Maybe you could hire caregivers to help out for a shift or two so you could break up the time a little.
Cleaning up a person after they urinate and/or defecate is not pleasant. If you have daughters who would have to do this, it’s really off-putting. Because he has dementia, he may not be very cooperative. My mother was combative. If you don’t understand what dementia does to a person, it makes life miserable.
Do a rethink about this. I understand not wanting to “be stuck in a nursing home”, but your father was being unfair to you when he asked you for that promise.
It's been a rough road and now it looks like she'll need to go anyway.
If we could only see in the future!
If I had known my life would not be my own, I would not have offered. Ignorance is not bliss!!
Please do research as to the mental and physical stamina one needs to do this type of care indefinitely.