I have a husband of 47 years with FTD and recently went through Palliative Care to help find me the best LTC I can afford. Long story short, we found a phenomenal place 5 minutes from home which is top notch in every way. I moved him there this week and it was traumatic for all our family. I cried nonstop driving home and wondered if I should go back and bring him home.
Everyone I know from Canada, West Coast (I live on East Coast) texted or called to ask how it went and HOW AM I? I was a mess. I miss him so much.
I noticed my friend of 42 years across the street never contacted me nor texted. She loved my husband and we all were friends as couples. I called her (finally, like a jerk) and asked why I hadn’t heard from her and I’m all alone now etc. She said “oh was I supposed to call?” Huh??? So I told her about the ordeal and she listened and proceeded to tell me that if I had put him in a substandard facility she would have nothing to do with me again! I told her that that was not nice - not everyone can afford $15,000/month! Then she starts in on a neighbor who’s dying of leukemia and his wife is keeping him home with Hospice care. That’s hardly the same thing! OMG! I think - and have thought - she may be getting dementia herself. Her sister just passed away at 71 of LBD and both her parents had Alzheimer’s. She’s 79. I find her getting meaner and more judgmental of everything except her grandchildren. I am getting bad vibes and want to stay away for a while. She told me a month ago that I should do what I have to do because the situation here was getting impossible for just me alone. The doctors he has all agree he needs to be placed - SOON. I’m burned out and he’s deteriorating. I know now I made the correct decision. How do I handle this neighbor/friend? She seems unfazed by my emotional distress and I’m very hurt. I could always get good advice from her as she’s also a retired RN.
You had good sound reasons why you made the decisions you did and your friend had no right to babe judgemental and cruel.
She us not supportive and cruel. She is no longer a friend.
Just a month ago, she tells you to "do what you have to do?" Wow.
My siblings were horrible when my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.
They were no moral support, and didn't attend his military funeral. He never did anything to deserve it. Neither did I.
When I hear the BS about "family is everything" I am justifiably disgusted. I cut them off 22 years ago, and don't miss their crap either. Hold you head high high and do what you know in your heart is right.
I suggest you get your advice elsewhere, since it's clear hers is worthless.
Cut her off. Pretend she doesn't exist. You have enough to deal with.
I do get advice from people other than her all of the time. I worked with a great group of women and after getting laid off in Covid we’re still in contact and meet for lunch, talk on the phone, etc. This woman just happens to live right across the street and our kids all grew up together so we were great friends for decades. But, there are big changes I see (none have to do with me) in personality and I wonder if the family genes are kicking in like I mentioned above. Toxic to stay with someone like that so I guess it’s “ta ta…….”
It's very easy for your former friend and neighbor to be the Armchair Critic here, knowing absolutely nothing about your day to day life dealing with FTD. Yet feels entitled to give you free advice, unsolicited, about what you "should" be doing and blah blah blah. Do yourself a big favor and choose to have nothing further to do with HER now, regardless of what decision she reaches on the matter. It would be comical if it weren't so ridiculous. She'll have nothing further to do with you if you placed dh in a substandard facility! 🙄
Eliminate toxic people and energy vampires from your life now as you focus on staying healthy yourself. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you, who empathize with what a difficult situation YOU are going thru. Treat yourself with kindness and accept nothing less from others.
May God help you realize you made the best decision possible, and keep you healthy, body and mind.
Actually, all of you above are correct. 100%! So, I guess part of my new normal is to cut the relationship off.
‘Thanks for all the advice and so quickly!
You could be correct and something is off with her. You don’t need to deal with her unpredictable lousy comments . Your neighbor’s possible issues are not your concern either . You have enough to deal with already .
Don’t call her anymore . If you hear from her , tell her everything is fine and cut the conversion short with an , “ I have to go now “. Don’t tell her your business anymore .
No need to formally declare the end of the friendship, just drift away.
We do not accept any judgement, some constructive criticism is OK.
I could be dealing with similar situation.
My husband with Parkinson’s deteriorating at terrifying speed lately and will perhaps be not mobile soon.
With all complexities of this disease either,
A. We go to AL to stay together, not good for me as I am too independent and healthy and not ready for 20 years. But, financially necessary to live in very good place.
B. If he deteriorates at this pace he will need as per his neurologist LTC. It is beyond my understanding to deal with such complex disease with so many symptoms and most caregivers don’t know it as well.
At this point regardless of what happens I am going to join some women’s groups around here, for hikes, walks, visiting galleries, coffees, lunches, travel, yoga and more.
I need to reinvent myself, re-invigorate my life away from illness.
And I know some friends will be gone.
So sorry for both of you regarding your husband’s rapidly changing condition .
Maybe she literally did?