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When my mother died at 98, she was still in her right mind. She had lived by herself and even drove until 95. I am retired and lived 500 miles away. Since my sister was still working, I took my mother to live with me the last 3 years of her life. I helped her dress and bathe; I emptied the bedside potty chair; I took her to her appointments, etc, etc, etc. You as caregivers understand the lifestyle changes. I willingly gave up my life in order to help her through her final years. But right now, I am unable to grieve because of anger---no that word is insufficient to describe my feelings…. rage is more accurate.

At her death I discovered that two years before she came to live with me, she changed her will. She left my sister the house, a trailer, the property, and half of her money. My sister told me after the funeral that she was aware of the will change and that she and my mother chose not to tell me. At times my mother and I had conversations where she told me that she didn’t need to worry about me because I was capable, dependable, and responsible.

The fact that the larger share of the estate went to my sister doesn’t overly concern me because since I am capable, dependable, and responsible, I am financially secure. My difficulty is that my mother did not tell me; even though she was living in my home and I was her only caregiver, she let me continue to believe that her estate was divided equally. I feel betrayed by the woman to whom I devoted the past three years. This I see as a lie of omission; I am hurt that my mother would deal with me as such----don’t I deserve to know why I was treated that way----with no explanation and now, at her death, no chance to understand why she chose not to tell me?

It also hurts that my sister had cleaned out my mother’s lock box and after the funeral surprised me the secret will. I talked to my mother’s lawyer and was told, “Yes, this was her last will,” and that he had written it for her.

Am I over reacting? How can I let go of the perceived unfairness---not in the property division but in the secretiveness ---the ‘ganging up’ of my mother and sister to deceive me? My mother believed in family, and at her death she killed her remaining family. I refuse to argue with or express my rage to my sister because nothing I say will change what has happened. My plan is to silently withdraw…I guess the proper term for it is passive aggressiveness. If my sister calls, I will talk decently to her, but because of what I call treachery, I will make no effort to continue or support a relationship with her. Thus, over the years, our lives will become separate.

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I have no sympathy for anyone, especially some clueless sib that suddenly realizes that they need a roof, doesn't come back to help the parent but comes back because THEY need something from the parent, moves back in to mom's house, upsetting the status quo, takes none of the blame for issues, points fingers and blames everyone else and bullies they're way into the situation and completely takes it over, clueless to what's necessary and needed, then causes a family member to head for the hills, depriving the elderly parent of that comfort and feels some PAID stranger is the better alternative. I smell a rat.

And nobody calls the damn cops on another because of some TV channel or because they're 'selfish'. Really? Bet there was a whole lot to it than that.
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One of the problems I see among my own family is that we stink at talking to each other. One person might be perceived as "too busy" and maybe gets left-out of discussions. Or, maybe that person acts that way and brushes others off, leaving the others to believe it's not worth the trouble to tell that person anything.

My own outside observation is this: things that you don't know about seem "secretive." I hear one side say they did something that sounds quite reasonable to me but their sibling or other relative doesn't hear about it in a timely manner and then attributes a "secret" reason to what that person has done.

As such, I can't blame either side in this issue. I can kind of see both sides of this story in my own family. Just to be honest about this, my own family has these problems: we mean well but can't communicate that, properly; we're suspicious of each other and, when we don't know all the facts, immediately get into conspiracy theories; we've never had an opinion we've felt can't be immediately shared in the most blunt fashion, meaning that there are plenty of relatives who will never again speak to plenty of other relatives. It's easy to say this, sitting on the sidelines, but hard to do any better for my own situation. I'm not saying this to pretend to be any better, am admitting I'm not, just saying we should all be just a bit sympathetic to both sides in this thing.
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GB, I'm picking up that your mom may not be as "fine" as you think. It sounds to me as though she's got dementia and wants to be inoffensive and "no trouble at all" to whoever is present...you, your sister, cousins. Get medical advice now. Make sure you've got hippa forms, poa, etc. I'm not sure that you are getting the difference between Medicare and Medicaid and the financial implications of the latter. I hope this all works out for your mom.
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So, you ran your sister off, now you're trying to figure out ways to fund some STRANGER to come in and look after your mom. Brilliant, Holmes.

As for the elderly getting attention, here's a newsflash...they want attention 24/7 around the clock. Most people do the best they can and nobody around HERE is wearing a halo. We ALL get irritable and snappy with our elders sometimes because when we care for them all day, every day without a break it tends to DRAIN us. And you're damn right your sister was BUSY. Any caretaker is BUSY and no, sometimes we can't stop in the middle of scrubbing the pee off the floor, doing the laundry yet again, fixing a meal, writing out bills, and the countless other tasks involved in taking care of an elder. Gee, sorry about that. I guess we should all jump through hoops for the elderly at their every whim.

Man, I seriously hope you DON'T find anyone to help your mom and you find that her care is suddenly ALL on YOU and you CAN'T leave! And you cook and clean? That's it? Pffft. Lucky you. Wait till the REAL work starts. You've just scratched the surface of what it means to be a care giver, you poor clueless sap. I'll be interested to see how long your halo glows the longer you're in this. I don't blame your sister. With a brother that sounds like you, I'd have run for the hills myself. You irritate me and I'm just on the computer. I can't even imagine what dealing with you in RL would be like.
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Nothing so sinister is afoot in-fact she wants both of her "birds" as she calls us to "fly free" lol Mum will be in great shape @countrymouse, as I am seeking actively a part-time home attendant for when I move back out to self-sufficiency and marriage later this year. I've heard that one's life insurance can be used to fund such care and/or her medicare. I won't be far away as her daughter is currently and will check in as well. mum is very independent and comfy in her long-time home. She can't remember and/or find if she has life insurance though and that is a hurdle, but I think I have found a place that takes her medicaid. Any helpful suggestions or places to look for that help is appreciated in-advance. You know, mum often talks about how she would ask her daughter for her attention, and receive just silence as a response, or "not now Ma, I'm BUSY!" replies. That is what I mean about being "exclusive". I think that is an insult. When you Mum asks for your attention, no matter what your age, I believe that you drop what you are doing (in her daughter's case, it was being engrossed in her laptop computer) and give her see hoe you can help - which is MY style.
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So you've inclusively exiled your mother's daughter, then?

I don't know how I've got this impression, but from what you say you moved back home because your job went belly-up rather than because your mother needed your care; and you discovered 'the shady way her daughter was manipulating' your mother into making a legal will in her right mind and of her own volition. What you uncovered, in fact, was a threat to your financial expectations. No wonder you were worried.

I hope your mother will be fine. I trust so.
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Actually, I am taking care of mum now. Once we uncovered the shady way her daughter was manipulating mum and how mum expressed that she wanted things divided equally, the selfish daughter moved out of mum's house and fled like the spoiled brat it is. It is not like I was "dead" or anything, and I visited mum and called her regularly. I am with Debra Lee - "treat children equally". I currently have a full-time job, and contribute $ to mum AND cook for her when needed AND clean her house. I am INclusive , not EXclusive like her daughter is.
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Lesson learned. Treat your children equally. No adult child should assume the majority of care for their parent, it should be either be a shared responsibility or pay for care. Use assets first for the care of an elderly parent and iif there is anything left over, hopefully it will be distributed fairly.
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Yeah GB, the way you wrote your reply, I'm not feeling the reason you're so down on your sister. I've been taking care of my mom and dad (now just mom) for the past 15 years (both of them for 9 years).

My brother, who lives in another state, was gracious and generous enough to tell my mom to change the will and take him out of it and give everything to me, since I have been doing all of the work by myself for 15 years. I changed my career and have been there at 2 AM taking mom or dad to the Emergency Room and have been there at doctor's visits and cleaning up vomit, buying food, getting books, doing taxes, paying bills, etc. My brother hasn't done one bit of that.

So until you've done more of the caregiving job than coming back home because you needed help from your mom, I wouldn't be so quick to throw your sister under the bus. From what you've written, she doesn't deserve it.
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GB, as far as I'm concerned, the one that takes care of the parent, which you weren't doing being busy with your career and making money, is the one that deserves the assets. And when you're busy taking care of an 89 year old, that most likely can't be left alone anymore and needs help doing just about everything, you don't have time to work and contribute to the household expenses. In fact, your mother SHOULD have been paying your sister for her services, she has every d*** right to payment for doing the hardest job on the planet, a job that would make any hardship or stress in your career look like a cake walk. You don't say how long your sister has been at it. How long HAS she been taking care of your mom? Taking care of an elderly parent is the equivalent of THREE full time jobs in case you don't know about care giving. So while YOU'VE been on vacation with ONE job, your SISTER has been on call around the clock, all day, every day, 7 days a week. And just for giggles, how much do YOU contribute to the house? If I were your sister, I'd dump mom in YOUR lap and head for the hills.
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Well I as the much older brother who was away doing my career thing for two decades had a similar-but-opposite situation. When my career tanked and I received a job offer back in my hometown, I asked my mum could I return to the house we grew up in and where my much younger (15 years) "sister" had returned and was "helping" my mum who is now eighty-nine. What I found was that mum's daughter (as it will be known as from now on) had manipulated mum to exclude me from her estate almost entirely, will the whole house to her, etc. It was so selfish that it called the cops on me within two months when we argued about the TV when it changed the channel I was watching and lied to the cops! We also found that she was paying herself to help mum without contributing anything tot he house, i.e. had no other job! The will had first cousins written into the will to act "in case she was unable to or unwilling to..." Fortunately, it appears that mum and I were able to recently divide everyting "50/50" with mum's lawyer at mum's expressed and succinct wish (even though her memory isn't what it used to be) but it is a situation that bears monitoring. I too will never talk to mum's daughter again.
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Betrayal, which this is, cuts so deep. It is also character assassination. For your mother to assume you wouldn't understand, or to give you a voice in the decision implies your mother didn't trust or love you. You have a right to your rage, but will the rage bring you love, happiness, and laughter? No, it will destroy your ability to experience anything worthwhile in your life. It will eat you alive, making you bitter, nasty, and unhappy. Revel in your rage for a short while, then act.

Forgive your mother and your sister. Let it go. You don't have to agree it was right, or even see your sister. Do this for you, because you are a loving generous spirit. If you step back, and don't equate love with money, your Mom paid you the greatest compliment. If you read between the lines, she trusted your abilities, your character, and your competence. She knew you had made it.You were a success in life.

If you can't forgive, and this is eating you up inside, find a good therapist to help you. I've been there, betrayed, it will destroy you or make you stronger, more loving. The choice is yours.
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Notanangel (I think you might be, btw!) it sounds as if you have a clear-cut prodigal daughter situation going on there. I always did sympathise with the good brother in that parable - "rejoice he's returned, my foot! Turned up like a bad penny, more like…"

But I'm happy for you that you're able to let it go. Well done.
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I am dealing with deceit also, and I agree it does kill the sisterly love pretty quickly. My mother is still alive, although with Alzheimer's, she cannot remember even one little thing, and there is no point talking to her as she signed over power of attorney to my sister years ago. My feeling is that she was somewhat pressured by my sister, as my sister lives close and I live far away. She made some comments to me, back around the time she signed it, saying we wished all things could be fair. Which helped me understand that they would not be.

One thing to consider, and perhaps you already have, is that your mother felt your sister was incapable of dealing with life, whereas she felt you were together and she could leave you without worrying. It really is a compliment to you, although right now it feels like treachery. Another thought is that their is a feeling of betrayal when a daughter moves far away. Maybe she felt your sister deserved more since she spent more time with her. I think that feeling exists with my sister.

Is it possible to ask your sister to share more equally, citing that you cared for her during her last years and would hope for a more fair division. Or is that a laughable thought?

How I wish things worked out fairly in life....it has been eye-opening to me. I assumed everyone would be "nice" and "fair" but once the loved one is in the grave---or incompetent--true natures seem to come out. I am so sorry!
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I feel so guilty, at one of the caregiver support groups I voiced my opinion ..."Thank you" is just not enough. Sure, it's enough from the one your caring for. But when everyone around you that has a vested interest in your charge is taking vacations, enjoying lucrative careers and having secret meetings that don't include the primary care giver...No, Thank you is not enough. I understand how it hurts to be lied to. Ask yourself...if they told you would thing have been different? No one can tell the future...if they opted not to tell you because they were afraid her care was in jeopardy...be angry...if they opted not to tell you because they were afraid they would hurt your feelings...think about it. I don't understand what it feels like to be financially secure so the money is an issue for me. Maybe they don't (didn't) understand what that is either. Maybe they thought because money isn't a thing for you it wouldn't matter if they told you. I didn't know that my FIL didn't tell his sons of his arrangement with me. I felt that it wasn't my place to tell them what their dad was doing he was in his right mind and if he wanted to tell them he could....but I am paying the price. I offered to give them the money if they were going to take care of MIL...it's been three years, they don't even call (one other DIL does) but not the sons, not even my husband unless I force him. It's a hot mess of emotion just like what your experiencing. You are so not alone, I suggest a caregiver support group. The people are usually really nice, your experience could help them and they can help you try to get through this mess.
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Margieanne,
Unfortunately I know what you are going through. I have a similar situation. Taking care of both my parents (both have had a stroke) because if they go to a nursing facility they would have to be separated (Dad would go to a VA facility). Have a sister who has cheated them, talked badly about them, ignored them but had them raise her children. I have always been the one to step up to help them. Now they treat her like she is the best thing since sliced bread and treat me like I am hired help. However I know I could leave here, but I don't. so I let it all go. I have never had a relationship with my sister so that issue is resolved for me already. As for you, let the anger go. You have been victimized enough - no need to add to that. You did right by your mother. If you had know about the will, would you have done anything differently?
You are not alone - don't know if that helps!
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Blendswell i dont think any of us on here are doing this "in return for something?" we are doing it out of love pure and simple my mum was on her own most of her life after my father left we looked after her financially and i was always there for her health wise had to fly home on many occasions as she had to have another operation. I dont have a home either do my other siblings my mum and all of us worked hard to keep this house from the bank and we are all entitled to a share of it thats what my mum wants for us IF by some miracle i was to come into my own money i wouldnt careless about who mum gave it to but i am being realistic here ive been looking after her for 5yrs now im 48 my future career prospects are getting slimmer also while im here and caring for mum the house stays in the family and not "taken by the state".
I think your comment was harsh like we are all giving up our lives and doing a difficult job trying to do the right thing by our loved one for "something in return??". BS and insulting if my mum were to die tomorrow i would inherit $30,000 my average salary a year in my career WAS $60,000 a year i havnt worked in 5yrs and caring for my mum i get nothing so please work out the maths?
Also i think if you read the post she is more upset about betrayal than the actual will which is understandably upsetting! My mum has discussed her will with all of us nothing sneaky behind our backs she loves us all equally and would never decide whos the most "needy" thats not fair especially when she was the one doing all the caring. I would be outta here tonight if i thought my mum and sister were discussing her will behind my back its not about money or wills its about the hurt of not being told until after she died thats very hurtful.
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This is why I never do something for someone else in hopes that I get something out of it or something in return. It was your mother's right to leave her things to whom ever she wanted. It doesn't mean it was fair but life isn't fair, family or not. A similar situation happened to me. Everything was left to my oldest son who had manipulated my parents. I chose not to let this ruin my relationship with my son. I also will not let this decision made by my mother take away my joy.
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Well you know it could be that your mother thought your sister told you about this, or your mother could have thought that the old will was still in effect, so I would be more angry at the sister I think. This sounds like the kind of thing that has went on in my father's family for decades; in fact one of his siblings changed her brother's will at the last moment to knock my father out of getting anything. When my grandma died, some family went ( on the day of the funeral!) and cleaned out anything they wanted out of the house. I would not be willing to have a relationship with someone who was two faced about this and it will be difficult to sort out which one was responsible since your mom is not here to defend her side of it. Your sister could have at least helped you out financially while you were looking after your mom.
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"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
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Maybe mom thought she did a better job of raising you, hence you are self reliant and successful, so she tried to help your sis in the end.
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Did your mother love you and show her love? Did she show love and appreciation to you when she was living with you? Did she take care of you?
If the answer is yes to these questions, let your anger go and remember the good that you had. If your answer is no to the question, still let your anger go, why waste your time being angry at someone who didn't care.
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The hardest yet best thing to do now is pray for your sister (she'll need it, because her guilt may just make her sick), and for your mother (she didn't or couldn't say what she needed to while she could communicate with you), and then forgive them both, regardless of what your sister chooses to do now. I say this because carrying the anger will only hurt you, and you don't deserve that; you will have done right by them both if you forgive.
Forgive does not mean forget...so not trusting your sister is perfectly sensible ("a man is known by his actions"), and if dealing with her is painful to you, or causes you to be not who you are and have been, then stay away from her until you feel healed from the hurt. Some relationships can become toxic, and you need to save yourself from that for the time being. Forgive her; then tell her to make her own peace with it while you try to do the same. And know that your mother was proud of you that you were doing OK in the world when she made that will, and that she was proud of you when you took care of her. I don't think her intention was to hurt you. Whether she was manipulated or not, you'll never really know.
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Dragonflower I fully agree with your views about inheritance; but I feel you have been very unfair to Margieanne in your analysis of what she is upset about.

It ISN'T the division of her mother's property that troubles her, that's the whole point. It is that her mother and her sister excluded her from the decision; and, further, the possibility that they did so because they shared your assumption that she might have opposed her mother's plans. This cast an undeserved shadow on Margieanne's character, and she was not even given an opportunity to defend herself. That is why she feels so badly hurt.

Speaking for myself, and following my own line of thinking to its end, I conclude that her feeling hurt by this indicates admirable moral priorities and in turn demonstrates how wrong her mother and sister were about her. My hope is that she will be able to forgive them.
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Margieanne - I can certainly understand your anger and frustration. You have a right to your feelings of hurt and betrayal - regardless of who, what, when, where or why - and just need to take time to work through them at your own pace. At some point down the road, situations like this are out of our hands and we just have to say, what goes around, comes around - and move on for your own sake and quality of life.
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In response to the comment by Terrabound - let's just say that I was the one who did EVERYTHING for my father when he developed dementia. I made all of the arrangements for assisted living, handled his finances, sold his house, dealt with the nursing home, did the funeral arrangements, etc., etc.. My brother did nothing at all except show up for the memorial service. My father actually asked me if he should revise the will and cut out my brother, who was noticeably absent in the whole process. I was adamant - NO, my brother will receive 50% of the estate per the will or I will have no part of it - give it all to charity if we cannot split it equally. Since I was a co-trustee on all of my father's bank accounts, I could have just sucked up the entire estate and my brother would not have known the difference. But I dutifully wrote out the checks for my brother as each CD matured. I also set up two accounts for my brother's 2 kids from my father's money while he was still alive; the boys each got $10,000 as a high school graduation gift from my father's estate. (BTW, never even got a thank-you e-mail from the first boy - which does not even matter.) My brother is still a jerk, but I feel good knowing that I handled the entire situation in an ethical and mature manner.

It would be a bad idea if the laws of inheritance were changed so that the caregiver got 100%. I can just hear the adult children arguing about what constitutes "caregiving!"
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Parents are NOT obligated to divide all assets equally. In fact, they are not obligated to give their children any money at all, unless they die without a will (in which case the state laws of inheritance would kick in).

You say that your mother left you "half" of the money - so as I see it, her liquid assets WERE divided equally. Your mother may have felt that since you were already retired, that you were not really "in need of" real estate. Frankly, this makes perfect sense to me.

What I am reading between the lines is because you chose to take care of her during her final years, you somehow feel "entitled" to a greater share of her assets (liquid or otherwise). Would you have provided less care for her if you knew that you were not going to receive a DIME from her estate? Think about it.

You also suffer from the misguided notion that a parent is obligated to apportion all assets equally among the remaining children. This is a very "western" notion and a recent one, historically speaking.

It is actually quite common for parents to leave more assets to the child who is more "needy" - this could mean less responsible, has more health problems, is less capable, has children to take care of - a whole host of reasons. In fact, many attorneys advise exactly this, because dividing assets equally can actually be MORE unfair - it does not consider the individual needs of each adult child.

Your mother may have recognized that you are the far more capable child - so she was quite sure you would manage very well on your own. As you said "she was still in her right mind" when she died. It may have been entirely her decision - don't assume that it was necessarily your sister "manipulating her."

She likely did not want to tell you about the division of assets, knowing that you would feel "hurt" because everything was not split equally down the middle. There may be things about your sister's financial or personal situation that even you do not know. So, perhaps, your mother had good reason willing your sister the real estate properties.

You are getting half the money.....that's more than a LOT of adult children get. Time to let go of your anger. It will do nothing but "eat you up" in the end. Be grateful for the time you had with your mother in her final years. There are some "battles" worth fighting for, but this is not one of them.
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My heart goes out to you as I truely do know exactly what you are going through. It is a awful feeling that you have been deceived by the one you love, the ones that you call family. Almost two years ago I went through a very similar situation. I had uplifted my life to go care for my sister who lived 500 miles away and had terminal cancer. My husband understood what I had to do but was terribly lonely while I was gone.

My sister passed away in January, I was grieving hard as this was my only sibling and the last of my family members. We were very close as children and remained that way. Even though I had time to get used to the fact that she was going to go never made it any easier. To make a long story short I never came back home right away because there were things that needed to be settled, as well the highways were horrid to travel. I came back home only to have the father of my children, my husband our home, My husband passed away suddenly at 56 and my son who found him chose not to let me know of his passing. My cousin had emailed me to share her condolences that is how I found out. I came back right away to find my house cleaned out of everything. The only remaining stuff was my clothing and a few personal effects. My jewelry was gone along with other stuff, and my husband was already cremated. I was so hurt and still grieving my sister, now grieving my husband and had nothing left.

Well it has been two years and I have not spoke to my son as I had made it very clear to him that I no longer wanted anything to do with him. this decision was not easy but my anger was out of control. I can't bring myself to forgive him and still feel anger to this day. My family was torn to shreds as I only see my oldest son who was also cheated of his dad's passing. It is greed all of it, when a family member turns on you, they have no respect in any aspect of your feelings or how badly the knife cuts. I want to lose this anger but that would mean dropping my shield and leave myself vulnerable to my youngest son again and I can't do that, my husband wouldn't want me to. So I do feel your pain and anger, people like that you can never change it is in their make up. Just move on with your life and know in your heart that you have done the right thing and will continue to. Bless you and hugs good luck.
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Terrabound - what?!!! No there shouldn't! Being cared for by me should NOT deprive my mother of her perfect legal and moral right to decide to whom she will leave her estate.

I don't like the asset vultures any more than you do, but that isn't the answer.
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There should be some kind estate law that gives the caregiver 100% of the estate of the deceased...I'm so fed up with these awful scenarios among us about how we get stuck with the job but screwed out of the inheritances or the keepsakes by relatives who have a million reasons why they aren't contributing.
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