Hello!
My 89 year old mother is in Memory Care and she most likely has metastatic lung cancer. She has moderate dementia. Cancer diagnosis pending biopsy. We would not persue aggressive treatment , We are in favor of keeping her from knowing her diagnosis as she has always been an anxious person and we dont want her last days on earth in mental distress about the cancer. Has anyone had an experience with dementia and cancer and what are your thoughts about telling or not telling a person they have it. I will also get some professional advice but it would be nice to hear personal experiences. Thank you!
This is one thing I hated about Caregiving. Having to make decisions for someone else.
Sometimes the opinions of others simply adds to confusion. Go with what your gut tells you here. I trust your love for your Mom and your knowledge of who she is and what she would prefer.
In general, and as an RN all my life, I don't believe in hiding diagnosis. I would simply say a spot was seem on her lung and in 6 months doctor would like another scan (which in truth will tell it all). Many people get lung cancer today without having smoked a single cigarette; so grandmother can take "guilt off her plate" with this one.
I am sorry for this probable diagnosis, but agree that treatment will not add to the quality of her life.As a breast cancer survivor (so far) there are worse ways to go than cancer with good hospice medication.. Dementia and ALS for instances.
It is highly unusual today for people to hide diagnosis from patients "for their own good" and my fear is that someone somewhere WILL let the cat out of the bag. You will them be blamed for hiding things from grandmom. I personally would not hide a diagnosis such as this. But as I said, you know your Mom best.
If your mother was a heavy smoker as my grandmother was (though she'd quit several years before), odds are excellent she has cancer. I think the doctor is being ridiculous even suggesting she might NOT have it.
I, too, would skip the biopsy. What kind of treatment would you do even if it wasn't cancer? Surgery? No. So, why do a biopsy?
Does she generally forget things you've talked about?
I am now trying to figure out what to say to her before going to do the biopsy. Maybe I could tell her they saw a spot on her lung and want to check it for infection...and then never talk about the results with the hope the with time she forgets about the biopsy. Any suggestions?
You know best. Follow your gut. As I said, for me, it would be about guessing what you think your mom would want. And if you guess she would rather not know, then definitely follow her wishes.
(((Hug)))
Yes, you can ask about the law. Some doctors will take the law literally, and tell the diagnosis. Definitely speak with her doctor. I’m sure the doctor will follow what you think is best.
Don't put mom through a biopsy if you aren't going to pursue treatment. Get palliative care for her and then hospice.
As far as getting her affairs in order, everyone should be (financial, legal etc.) because no one knows when their time will be….her mom may outlive many of us who still think we might live forever.
With her moderate dementia if you told her would she remember the next day or week?
I disagree with Venting if telling her will create anxiety and stress. Why would you do that to a person?
Adding I am for not doing treatment for cancer on someone with dementia.
I do see what you mean. I think these things are so personal, as in case by case. Like my mom would prefer to know no matter what. But for sure, not everyone is like that.
Regarding the legal perspective, I’ve had doctors tell me, that if imminent, the law is clear: they have a right to know; the doctor has a duty to tell the patient the diagnosis.
Many years ago in some parts of the world, if it would upset the patient, doctors would keep the diagnosis secret from the patient. But laws have changed. Now a patient has the right to say bye and get their affairs in order.
I think you should guess what your mom would have wanted, if she had a clear mind. Would she have preferred to know, no matter what? I’m the type who prefers to know, no matter what.
From a legal perspective:
The laws now state that if death is imminent due to illness, the patient has a right to know the diagnosis, because they might want to say bye to certain people, or get their affairs in order one last time.
People with dementia don't really have the concept of getting their affairs in order. Do they?