My mother has late stage Alzheimer's and has been non verbal for over a year now. She also requires physical assistance, as she cannot walk on her own. She has been married to her husband, who is not my dad for over 30 years now. My mother's husband made the decision to stop working about 2 years ago and become her full time caretaker. Her husband has always treated me like a POS growing up, but is now my bestie as he has nobody else as a resource other than my brother who is his son. My mother's husband has always refused to bring in any additional care, even though at this point hospice is being recommended. My brother who lives close to them goes days without checking in on them and when I ask why - he mentions some of the things that her husband is doing that upsets him. Even though he helps them financially, my brother tells me that her husband is doing things like food deliveries for uber, while dragging my mother along in the backseat. Mind you, I showed my mother's husband how to get paid to be her caretaker, yet he still does silly things like this as he has always been a liar and a bit of an opportunist that ran though my mother's money with his failed pipe dreams. When I ask my brother why he does not confront his father, about the things that his is father is doing, while caring for my mother that are not right - I get some silly excuse, as my younger brother has a problem communicating with his father in a constructive way and rather just avoid issues with him. When I confronted my mother's husband about what I heard from my brother, all I get is a denial from my mother's husband. My brother and I also believe that my mother's husband has a mistress for various reasons. My brother states that his father will disappear at times til 1 in the morning when my brother comes by during the week to give him a break. ( It's only a matter of time before my brother and my mother's husband come to blows over the tension in their relationship)
I don't live close to my mother and I have a family of my own and a very busy career working globally, so I go by and help out at least twice a month or so. When I do go spend the weekend or a Sunday with my mother, her husband again will disappear - all day. For all my brother and I know, our mothe'rs husband could be having a female visitor at the house during the week while my brother and I are working - we don't put this past him. My brother went so far to have cameras installed in the house to keep an eye on things, only for my mother's husband to demand that they be taken down. My mother is not receiving the level of care that she needs or deserves at this point, as again her husband REFUSES to allow any trained care into the home - not even a visiting nurse! Instead he still drags her back and forth to the doctors etc, as if she were well or at very least in the earlier stages of dementia. My mother never bothered to make any decisions and put anything in place like a POA when she was still well, so my brother and I feel like we are essentially at the mercy of her husbands half witted attempt at proper caretaking and decision making. I've even considered calling elder services about this issue, but I am scared that my mother would be yanked out of her home and placed in to a nursing home during a global pandemic. Her coming to live with me is not feasible either as I simply don't have room for her in my 900 sq ft home that is occupied by me and my family. I live in LA where the cost of living is insane and there is no way that I could quit my job to care for her, even if I had the room in my house. Buying a bigger house and or selling isn't an option for my husband and I right now either - so at this point I do not know what to do about this situation as it is affecting my entire life behind the stress of the toxicity in my mothers home. PLEASE HELP and share your thoughts!!! I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind behind this!
How does your mom seem? Is she losing lots of weight? Have unexplained injuries or bruising? Seem frightened of her husband or just in general? Is there food in the house? Is she being bathed? Does she have a clean bed and clothes? These are going to be what APS is looking at, not that your SD is gone while the son or yourself comes in to give him a break. That is the whole point of having someone come in.
Delivering food could very well happen until after midnight and perhaps it is the most lucrative hours to be delivering food.
I, personally, think that him taking your mom along is perfectly fine. She is not alone, she is seeing something besides the same 4 walls and she could very well enjoy just being with her husband.
I have friends that went through something similar, he just continued to live and do whatever he wanted while his wife descended further and further into dementia. She went everywhere that he did and that made her happy. I say this because at first we were all very bothered that he would subject her to some of his hair brained antics, but she was perfectly happy with the situation, far more happy than being left by him. So please make sure that you are not angry about this because of your history with him before you call the authorities, if your mom is being mistreated, not just in your opinion of what should be happening, but provable mistreatment, then you should contact the authorities and ask for help. Realizing that your SD is going to be angry and he has the power and authority to stop you from seeing your mom, so make sure that you can prove that she needs to be removed from her home before you take a very serious, irrevocable step. He could make it very hard on you if he isn't doing anything wrong. By law he is next of kin and has all the authority as her spouse, so make sure that you have proof and not just speculation about what is happening. I don't think that APS is going to care if he has a lady friend as long as your mom is being cared for, it boils down to her being fed, housed and not in danger because she is left alone.
Sometimes we need to step back and really look at the situation and know that we may not like or agree with the care or actions, but if our loved one is being cared for and not mistreated, regardless that it isn't how we would do it, or how we want it done, then they are okay and we need to back off and let the person(s) doing the care do it how it best works for them.
Your moms husband quit his job to become her fulltime caregiver, that says a whole lot about how he loves her. Being a 24/7/365 caregiver is a huge challenge and not something you can fully grasp until you have done it and not just for a weekend, day after week after month after year is far different than here and there. Give him credit for doing what is so very difficult, cut him some slack for just being human and doing the best he can. Does it really matter if he has someone that he can have an adult discussion with and maybe a little support to get through the trauma of taking care of a spouse, watching her disappear one brain cell at a time? He needs to take care of himself as well as his wife and from what you have said, he is doing a pretty good job of it.
Your stepdad has every right to NOT want cameras in HIS home! Your brother overreached by a lot installing them. And his relationship with his father is neither your problem nor your business. He chooses to give them money - i.e. cash - instead of using his money to do things like purchasing groceries and having them delivered. Your brother doesn't seem to be thinking through his choices.
Your only real solution would be to call APS and ask them to do a welfare check on your mother. If she is being neglected, wouldn't you want her somewhere else where she can get hospice?
Sorry this is so difficult for you.
One more suggestion and I make it gently: It seems to me that you literally hate the man. If so, that can be toxic to your nerves and stress levels....Why booby trap yourself?
I do not overlook your extreme frustration and need for more peace. I do not "blame" you as it seems to me some other posters have done. It is a really bad situation and you are right in the middle of it. I wish you well.
Grace + Peace,
Bob in North Carolina
I see only the semantics of the daughter. "Drags her to see doctors". Another might say that he takes her to see doctors. Is that wrong?
"Drags her along" on food deliveries? Perhaps she is not safe at home? Perhaps she enjoys the rides? I would. For 30 years they have been together and this is her evidence. There is no hard evidence from the son who actually lives nearby and helps. There is no mention of filth, lack of food, abusive treatment. As to whether he has a mistress? I couldn't care less if he is caring for a wife sunk into dementia.
This is perhaps a cesspool of neglect and abuse, but for the life of me I don't see it from what is written in this post.
And the daughter is only there twice a month, having a busy life and a big home to care for. That is all fine, but what exactly is it she wants here? I am frankly disturbed by her post, and feel if there is truly neglect here it is not being illustrated by the post. This is probably best put into the hands of a governmental entity without skin in the game. IMHO. And in your suggestion. A call to APS will settle it out. Dad, Mom and the son may not like it, but I doubt the current caregivers are overly fond of the OP at present anyway.
If you suspect actual abuse (you have listed none) it is be time to ask Adult Protective Services to open a case for your Mom, presenting them with your hard evidence of neglect, asking that they reassure you that your Mom is being adequately cared for.
Going for guardianship is an option, if you wish to take time and trouble to BE her guardian, and if you believe the husband incapable of caring for your mother. BUT you are unlikely to succeed if husband fights it and is deemed to be giving adequate care.
Remember, their lives do not need to live up to YOUR requirements; they need simply to be safe, have food and shelter and decent hygiene.
That thing about the cameras? On what evidence do you have the right to install cameras into the home of another?
You say you are there only twice a month. So if your life is being drained, I don't think it is Mom and hubby doing it. You mention "toxicity", but I don't see toxic statements from husband or from son toward you, while your own descriptions of them are, if not toxic, certainly anything but kind.
What are you seeing when you visit that you feel is neglect?
You give us really only one thing that is solid evidence of, in your mind, neglect. The Uber trips.
His taking her on his Uber trips in all honesty, to me, is not a problem. He has her with him and safe with him, and she is perhaps enjoying her ride while he WORKS doing delivery. I stress while he works, as apparently he is still trying to work and care for your mother. You say he is "dragging her along" on his Uber work (and dragging her to doctors?) ; he might say "She rides along with me and is enjoying it; I don't like leaving her along at home" and "I take her to her doctors". You see the difference there. It is Semantics.
And you see the problem? We only have your side. The Mother, the Husband and the Son seem to be working together best they are able, unless there are things you are not telling us.
I can only recommend, if you have evidence of abuse of your mother, that you contact the authorities. Wishing you good luck; hope you will update us as you move forward.
Thank you for your insight nonetheless.
Legally, he is her next of kin. Without a POA, he gets to make decisions about her care. As long as she is safe and healthy, there is no need for an intervention - even if you don't like the situation.
I took care of my parents until the end of their lives. I eventually hired help when I simply could do no more (and was extremely criticized by my siblings for spending the money, rather than doing it all). I took no pay for the hours I spent caretaking for my parents and was not able to work outside their care.
I consider 30 years a life partner. I am sure that your mom and her husband discussed how they wanted the end of their life to play out. I expect the “pipe dreams” were both of their dreams. He wasn’t a fly by night who took off after getting the funding.
Losing a parent is never easy. I’m sorry for the pain you feel. But keep in mind, many people would be grateful to have your caretaking situation.
Please give this guy a break. It is terribly painful watching a loved one die day-by-day. He needs your support, not criticism. It would be devastating/heartbreaking to all of you if she spent her last days in a facility getting cared for by people who never knew her, dressed in full-body protective gear.
I should be open about doing this if I were you: you are contacting them for *advice*, not to make accusations against anyone. I expect your stepfather is just as afraid as you are that his wife will be taken away from him, and that's the reason he doesn't want to let outsiders in or make applications for anything that looks like Government, but he has no need to be. He does indeed sound a bit of a numpty, as we say this side of the pond, but that doesn't make him evil and it doesn't put your mother in danger. Less than ideal can still be fine as long as your mother is okay with it.