Hi from the uk
Dad had an assessment today to go into a nursing home for respite as mum struggling with care and social worker concerned. (recent 10 weeks hospital stay) During the week he had a mental capacity test which he failed. I’ve stayed here to help out,
Clinical lead cam today for assessment, said they would tell dad the truth about where he was going (social worker suggested saying he needed a few days somewhere to check out what’s going on) walked in did a covid test said your dad is in the next stage of dementia (we’re still waiting for a memory clinic referral we probably knew anyway) Clinical lead told me on my own dad probably needs to be in a NH. Minimum respite is 4 weeks, two of which in isolation, at the moment dad is sleeping 20 hours a day, eating when prompted (he has a catheter), 5 clients to 1 carer and if he doesn’t want to get up they can’t force him. Only physio and OT he will get is via the carer. Only one visitor for two weeks, he started shouting and getting stressed when he realised. I asked her what would you do and she said go with his wishes. If he wants to stay home get more care in (night care). If he comes in and isn’t open to the idea it will be a constant fight which could cause more problems, We have a few days whilst PCR test comes back.
My OH is concerned and a bit a cross as he feels I’ll be the night carer, whilst I’m still working. Carers are coming in 4 times a day, and mum finds it a bit stressful as they are often late (covid is causing staff shortages here) I’m here when I can be to be an extra pair of hands. Respite will be needed but right now I don’t know my arse from my elbow; I don’t even know the stages of dementia
just wanted to share because I’m torn. We’ve lived our life on hold for two years cause dads “not been well” - if I cut down on work (self employed) and share the load how long could it go on for.
gutted and exhausted just needed to offload xxxx
Yesterday he said he had enough to me and I said it’s ok to let go dad.
district nurse came today said maybe fighting off infection (catheter changed Wednesday on low dose antibiotics) get his GP out for a full review tomorrow. He is comfortable just exhausted and very sleepy.
my mum is finally accepting that dad isn’t getting better and maybe we are heading towards the end. I feel his body is shutting down although possibility of infection makes sense,
PCR for respite home has come back negative so we have 48 hours before we lose our place in respite If dad is at end of life, his wish is to be at home if he can and mum supports that; two weeks isolation somewhere he doesn’t want to be isn’t ideal. I am talking to our social worker tomorrow.
i told my husband last night when this happens with us, find me a nice home
that’s if I don’t go out in a blaze of glory featuring champagne and male go go dancers.
You are not just making a decision for your Dad here, but for YOU.
Your physical health matters, as well.
Your mental health matters, too.
If you start to get sick, you won’t be help to either your Mom, Dad, or to yourself.
Please put yourself in the equation, when making your decisions.
Best wishes to you.
Your father needs to be placed. There are many techniques to doing this that I've read about here. I'd talk to a social worker/therapist about how to address you father's push back-understandable-but he simply is at the stage now, given what you have written, it's impossible to properly care for him. I'd go with that-you can not properly care for him.
I do not know the laws of elder care/rights in the UK. Even in the states it can vary quite a bit here. I would contact a solicitor (right word for attorney?), find out what you can and can not do for this situation. It is time for the professionals to take over. You can not do it all, even with carers coming in 4 times a day, you mother is stressed, this is all for one (1) person. As one person wrote awhile ago-the average group of people in a nursing home to care for one person over the course of a week is 35, and these are the pros. Something to think about. Also, people have written here, when their loved one is placed in professional care, they do better. Not that you're doing a bad job, but again, the pros have their techniques, plenty of people and can get the job done with out feeling "gutted and exhausted".
Keep us updated!