First off, I know I am so much more fortunate than so many others, so just want to say that to start.
My mom is 96 yrs old and has moderate dementia. We have a helper come monday-friday from 9-12 and her neighbor brings dinner daily. I go on weekends and take care of all her needs. I call her every day and that is where I'm having difficulty. When she was cognizant, just last year we used to talk for an hour or two. Now that has changed pretty suddenly, well within a year or so. I'm recently retired, not doing much and I don't have much news to talk about. My life is pretty boring and she can't discuss daily topics anymore. I try to ask about her past to reminisce or anything I can think of to talk about. Some days are a little better than others but it is just so sad. I tell myself to be glad that I can still call and talk to her, just to say hi. I know how much I will miss that when she is gone. However, it just makes me so sad every day. I know this sounds shallow and selfish but it kind of ruins my day. I don't want to not call and know I need to re-frame this but I'm having trouble doing that. I doubt there is an answer for how I'm feeling. I can tell when we just don't have anything much to say we talk about the weather or some little something and then I just say- ok mom I love you and I'll talk to you tomorrow. It's still just so sad. Is there any way to ever feel better?? I know I'm grieving that loss. She has always been my one and only best friend. Maybe I need counseling??
Sometimes it is nice to enjoy the quiet. No conversation - just sitting on the porch at sunset, humming a song listening to the birds, you can watch and imprint on your brain each wonderful line of your best friend's face. Sometimes we would hold hands. Yes.... I should have been in the house cleaning or thinking of tomorrow's dinner after work but ...... the setting and and the time was so tranquil and peaceful for both of us. I remember we smiled at each other and held hands for a while. It's one of the great memories I have of my Mom now.
As some else just said......... life changes. You can't control the change but you can control you're reaction to it.
I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. Sometimes we get so focused on our careers and workspace, we forget to develop other interests. So think about what you might like to venture into as a hobby..... drawing, painting, music (the largest group of people learning to play piano in the US today are over 65), photography (digital photography is a wonderful outlet and some of the editing packages can make you another Ansel Adams in a year or so! - ok ...not really but you get my meaning..... it's fun, it's creative, it gives you something to talk about and you meet new people). I met a great group of people five years ago when I signed up for a photo shoot course at Gettysburg by sunset. I had the cheapest camera and was clueless about ISOs and F stops but they had a blast teaching me. We still are in contact today (and my photos have gotten better); Sports ?........... golf, horse back riding (yeah there are a bunch of us old ladies riding in our 70s; Gardening...... the monarch butterflies need your help . Yes, you may have to force yourself into some of these thing but think about.... your Mom.... your bbf.... will never consider you boring and wants you to live your life to the fullest. Start now while she can enjoy watching you soar.
Wishing you peace in this journey. Please stay in touch.
Nobody can fix dementia. Nobody can fix the broken mind of the person suffering from it or the daily turmoil the 'child' has to suffer when calling the parent to talk on the phone. Or driving over to see them. It gives me a stomach ache every single time. It's rare that we're able to have a pleasant conversation, or a real conversation of any kind, or a nice visit. It's always strewn with a lot of cussing (on her part) and name calling and general angst/agitation/complaining about everything from the food to the other residents who live with her in the Memory Care ALF. She often hangs up on me, too. The whole thing is nerve wracking.
If others want to tell you it's 'shallow' or 'selfish' of you to feel depressed or upset with this situation, that's flat out wrong in my opinion. We're all entitled to feel whatever emotions we FEEL. We've lost, or are losing, our mothers to an ugly disease that makes them impossible to talk to; to interact with; to deal with in general. The argumentativeness is beyond belief; just that alone is enough to make any attempt at 'conversation' impossible, at least in my case.
Feel however you need to feel. Get it off your chest. Come here to vent & to get support in general, from most people who understand and empathize with you. Take what you like & leave the rest, as it is with the entirety of the internet.
Get counseling if you think it will help you, by all means. I just don't like that answer as a 'be all and end all' across the board remedy to everything. Sometimes I just want to vent and be heard, that's all. Or punch a pillow and scream. I want my daughter to say Gee mom, I hear you.........I know how tough grandma can be and what a horror show it is to go over there & have her treat you like dirt. Not "Will you please go get counseling, geeez mom." You know?
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. You have my understanding and support, and here's a hug for you too.
I have noticed that some people use suggesting ‘counseling’ as an easy way out for them. They aren’t interested in listening to the other person speak about it anymore. Other times, counseling is suggested from a place of true concern, which is great.
There are generational differences too. I have two daughters. I absolutely know that we won’t see eye to eye on everything. That’s a given, right? Just like we didn’t agree with everything our mom said.
Anyway, great posting!
I don't think the conversations need to be long, keep them short with a good story and something that will make her laugh, just calling her everyday is the important part. Go for quality over quantity.
Counselling is always great idea for anyone. That way you can focus on enjoying your time with your mum instead of being saddened by it but also focus on building up your own life
And to (some of) the people of the forums, lets keep this a safe place where we don't judge others struggles as being less worthy of attention than our own.
The second suggestion is for you to find something to do like join a seniors group.
Yes it is very hard to be in your situation, I have been there a few times.
My mom was my best friend too. The time we had together was golden.
She may be in her nineties, but she is so important to you, at any age. Don’t feel guilty for feeling sad and concerned.
A friend greatly helped me when I was going through what you’re experiencing, by telling me the following. You are grieving, but you still have her. You will have some days that are absolutely wonderful and others that are incredibly painful. Cherish the wonderful days. Generally expect the worst, and with these managed expectations, you may feel a little less pain.
Some people die abruptly, but she is still with you, giving you more love and memories. She is probably staying alive for you—she doesn’t want to leave you, because your relationship is so meaningful. She also doesn’t want to hurt you.
On your non-caretaking days, create lists of things you want to do with her, to best enjoy your time together. Not all these activities will work out and when they don’t, pivot and do something else from your list. Enjoy who she is at every stage. Try not to panic. Make her feel comfortable and loved if she makes a mistake and she won’t be afraid to keep trying.
Note the breakthroughs. Was she more herself after a creative activity? Did music seem to reach her more? Did she seem younger after a walk or fresh air? Was her memory stronger when we were resting and talking? Look for cause/effect and see if you can help design more good days.
As for the phone calls, keep them coming. They could be an emotional lifeline for her, even if the conversations are not as spirited as they once were. In the meantime keep on your toes thinking about other causes, just in case that could help. Could she need a hearing aid/update? Upgrading her phone for an adapted (hearing-impaired) version may help too.
if her mental state has changed dramatically, look at her medications (read the printouts from the pharmacy). Does she take anything that has a side effect of confusion? Is she prescribed something that may interact with something else? Sometimes these creep up slowly as the cumulative effect in her body occurs. Lots of elderly are over-medicated and the doctors don’t always know what the best combinations are until a problem occurs. Don’t be stifled if your mom’s doctor responds that you are in denial of the aging process. Sometimes doctors feel criticized when questions are asked, but you are both on the same team. Leave no stone unturned. Never remove any medications without medical direction.
Grief comes in waves, you are realizing the days slip by to a day you won't have the same talks, but don't dwell on it as the focus. Journal and read or do counseling on grif, but also find some hobby to give your day a reason to wake up.
Best Wishes