Do caregivers forgive and forget?
With the holidays coming up, I am in the awkward position of perhaps seeing my two sisters and their families. And it has me thinking about the future--after my parents have passed. Both my sisters have always contributed minimally to the care of my parents. In trying to accept this fact, emotionally I have moved from disappointment to resentment, and now from resentment to anger. I have seen a therapist for the past year trying to sort out my feelings about being "abandoned" by my sisters to care for and make decisions for my parents, with only my patient husband to partner with me.
There has been little to no communication between my sisters and me, and they don't ever offer to help, ask if mom and dad need anything, or just call to check in on how I am doing. In fact, my middle sister did say (via text) that she expects me to reach out to our youngest sister (who I haven't spoken to since July), because "it can't be" that the sisters don't get along. I told her, "oh, it be!" I love and miss my sisters, but I've also been very hurt by their behavior. Ignoring my parents has morphed into ignoring me and my family too.
What I want to know is will family bonds regenerate after my parents pass? In your experience, can family members reunite after caregiving ends? Do caregivers forgive and forget?
34 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Primary caregiver and have three other siblings that do nothing at all.
- How to handle dividing caretaking responsibility with only sibling?
- My siblings are trying to evict me from my father's home where I have lived as his caregiver for 13 years. Do I have any legal rights?
- How to handle sibling/step siblings that never help with 93 year old step father and 82 year old mother.
My mom's still alive, we will all do the pretending BS we do if we have to see each other.
I am so over all of that, and them , the one thing that when mom dies, that will make me happy is I won't have to see them anymore.
Brothers were raised that men are better than women, I want nothing to do with that or them, not now not ever again. I may have something to do with my older brother because he is alone in life, he will need things occasionally if his is sick or what not but him and me couldn't be more different so it will be very limited.
My sister doesn't help at all I'm so over that, no anger here, not worth it , the anger only hurts me, not her. But her as a person, I just don't trust her, she becomes whatever the person she is talking to believes. I like honesty, not fake.
So sure they are related by blood but honestly if we weren't, would I even like the people they are, NO
So I've accepted the fact that I want them out of my life and try to pretend I was switched at birth.
I honestly can say I'm at peace with that. This didn't happen because of caregiving, it happened because caregiving brought us together, and showed me that I honestly have ZERO in common with them, and they are not people id ever befriend if we were at a party together. They would be on the list of people I advoid at a party.
Try to get over your anger, it's very unhealthy, the only person it hurts is you.
Best of luck
Something in those words. Which is exactly what happened to me.
You need to remember 2 things: you chose to do caregiving for your parents. Your sisters chose not to. Your parents could've, and still can, go into Assisted Living or hire in home caregivers rather than relying on you.
Secondly, you cannot make others give a darn about things. If your sisters don't give a darn about visiting their parents, that's on THEM, not you. You're feeling badly for your parents on their behalf, as if it's somehow a reflection on you that they don't come around? Let your grown parents take it up with their grown children instead.
You CAN reunite with your sisters if you stop expecting anything from them on behalf of your parents. Expectations breed resentments. If you feel overworked, cut down the time you spend with the folks and make other arrangements for them. Delivery of food, in home caregivers, laundry service, a housekeeper, etc. It's written nowhere that it's your job to do any of these tasks. Do only what you genuinely WANT to do w/o expecting reciprocity from your sisters. If you're able to do that, the anger and resentment will disappear and you'll revive those relationships with them.
Best of luck.
I don’t plan on having a relationship with mine when my father is finally gone. I realize that I don’t need or want my sisters in my life anymore. It’s too toxic.
I was CHOSEN by my mother to be the caregiver for my parents . The rift between myself and siblings started before the caregiving even started , due to my parents moving near me ( in their late 70’s) and leaving siblings behind in another state .
My parents followed soon after I had moved . Siblings felt my parents chose me over them in general . The fact was my mother groomed me from an early age to be their caregiver . She admitted she followed me so I could care for them .
I have accepted that it is what it is . Do I miss having more family ? Sometimes . Then I remember how I was treated by some of them because my parents decided to move near me . I can’t change what they believe .
Every family is different and each caregiving scenario is different . It’s up to you if you can get over being ignored . Personally for me , I know I’m better off .
Btw, in answer to some of your questions about whether I chose to manage my parents care or not: my mom wrote me a letter long ago (before her dementia diagnosis) stating her expectation of me to take care of her and my dad. I found it as I cleaned out their home readying for the sale. She knew in advance that dad would be helpless. She also said in the letter that she "hoped" my sisters would help. And no, despite my husband's urging, I never showed my sisters the letter.
My husband and I took on their care very gradually, first finances, then legally (DPOA, trust), health advocacy, and even making decisions for my grandmother (w/dementia) who was already in memory care. I planned grandma's funeral in 2022 as well as being at her bedside (alone) to say goodbye. My sisters didn't even visit then, and my mom never acknowledged her death.
And yes, I have asked for their help countless times, assigned specific tasks, updated them, organized zoom meetings, phonecalls, etc. They either outright refuse to do certain things, completely ignore my requests, make an excuse, or cancel at the last minute. I've given up asking for help, but I was still hoping for some empathy.
Now it is clear to me that I cannot expect any understanding or compassion from them. I had cancer surgery last year, and if they are aware of that and still expect me to always fix everything (including my relationship with them), then all I can do is surrender. It is just a shame.
It is painful to think how a dementia diagnosis can make a once happy family fall apart. But maybe there were cracks there already that I chose to ignore. Thank God for my husband, daughters, and grandbaby. I know I can still lean on them.
I myself would not be in the "forgiving line".
While I STILL think that you made your own choices WHATEVER your parents "expectations" may have been, and are responsible for them, and without power to help other siblings make their own decisions, I do think that you did the care.
I am not a Christian, but rather an atheist. So the whole "forgiveness thing" for me has nothing to do with any admonitions I must obey. I make my own decisions about who to forgive and what to forget.
If it were me, with these siblings, not willing to work with you or it would seem even to discuss helping a bit, I would not so much have it be for me a question of forgiveness. If there is a god then forgiveness is HIS/HERS to handle, not mine. It would simply be that I wouldn't care much for the siblings in any way. Not their past, not their present and certainly not their future.
I would go on and choose a family, make a family, join things I loved to do serving others and find that "Village" community. In fact there ARE village communities where people sign on to help one another, and thereby are helped when in need. And it is called "Village Communities.
You will make your OWN choices just as you already did.
And you have a wonderful hubby, daughter and grandbaby. There are so many who would just die for that and only that.
I surely do wish you good luck.
But I wouldn't be at the family reunion!
Do you reach out to your sisters and say "Mom and dad need____________" (you fill in the blank) OR if you need help have you called or sent a group text and said "I have a doctor's appointment next week and mom would love to get her hair done can someone take mom to get her hair done?"
Many people say the would help but they just don't know exactly what to do. If you give a specific task the response might be different. And knowing there is a start and end to the task makes it easier to say yes to.
Now down to nitty gritty.
You can not expect others to change. You can change how you feel about the situation by changing your expectations.
If you expect no help from them then they have fulfilled your expectations. And if by some miracle they do help out then they have exceeded your expectations.
you ask if caregivers forgive and forget....
Let's get to the Forgive part. Nothing says you have to forget but you can't hold it against someone forever.
By not forgiving someone it does NOTHING to them what it does is hurt YOU.
You are the one that has this hurt building up each day. They go about their business and they are oblivious as to what you are feeling.
So do you want to live with hurt, resentment, anger or do you want to move on? The only one that can decide that is you.
(1) be able to let go of the emotions attached to the events, so that while I remember what happened, I no longer react to what happened
(2) not allow the past to damage future relationships, to move beyond the hurts and understand that the other party has their own issues to deal with as well
(3) realize that perhaps my story might help someone else move to a place of being able to fogive and move on.
I forgive him, but that doesn't mean I want to be around him.
He is just not healthy for me to be around
The most common reason why siblings ignore the caregiver sibling and keep them at arm's length is because they don't want to get caught in the caregiver net themselves. They don't want to have to say no either so they make sure the question of them helping doesn't get asked. Trust me my friend, they will say no if they have to. So many families are exactly where you are. Mom and dad are old and needy and need care. One of their adult children steps up. Then that person is totally responsible to maintain the status quo. You're taking care of everything and no one is going to interfere with that because no one wants to do it.
I myself became a 'designated caregiver' for my mother against my will. I happened to be "there" so it fell on me for a long time until one day I got up and left. You can do the same thing. My mother has homecare. The choices were make it work with homecare or you're on your own because I'm done. Or a nursing home.
You should confront your siblings in person. Tell them in plain speech that you are done with caregiving so there needs to be a new plan. So they will have to take over doing it or it will have to be homecare, or they move in with one of your siblings, or they go into LTC.
It is likely that your siblings will think you're bluffing and that you won't actually just stop taking care of your parents. That's why you have to. Your parents will might have to suffer for a little while for your siblings to understand that you mean business.
I don't know if you have your parents' POA. If you do, liquidate an asset or put your name on a bank account. This will surely get your siblings attention.
If you let yourself be treated like a doormat people will take advantage and treat you like one. Stand up for yourself. When you do your sisters will start having some respect for you, and when there's mutual respect that will start healing your relationship with your siblings. When there's no respect and it sounds like there is none now, there can be no relationship.