Do I or don't I? How can I move mom from her home?

Loprestor? Lopressor? That's a beta blocker, blood pressure and angina, yes? What does that have to do with moving her?

Dear lady, I hope this move is a good thing for both mom and you. Let's us know how it's going, okay?

I do not have an opinion for do it or don't. Only that you have to choose what you think is best for your Mom and what you can live with.
I am not trying to create discord, I am just wonder why it is that if a person is for choosing to care for their loved ones in their home, why is it so many are so down on those people?
I am not suggesting that everyone could or should. I am merely saying that if you choose to put your loved one in a care facility, then you want others to respect that and believe you did what was best. So why if someone chooses to take on the challenging job of keeping a loved one at home, why is there no respect for that?
This part of life is hard for anyone going through it. There is nothing to prepare us for this part of life's journey. Why not support one another in this difficult thing, and encourage each other through it?

I have great respect for those who choose to care for their parents at home.

During the course of 64 years, I have watched many family members and friends do this. I watched elders who were lonely and bored wither from lock of social contact. I watched kids lose the parenting guidance they needed because mom and dad were busy tending grandma or grandpa. And I've seen medical disasters that could have been avoided had an elder been in a care center where potentially dangerous things like toenail clipping could be done by professionals.

Also, dementia IS a gamechanger.  It is hard to be the sole caregiver for someone who isn't thinking straight, who can'  reason and who thinks that you'eI trying to kill, poison or rob them of their lifesavings. It's soul suckung.

It's my opinion. Not saying anyone else s wrong.

smeshque;

Although I have only been on this site for a little over a year, my experience so far is that there is much more negative feedback directed at people who choose to move their loved one to a facility. There have been a number of posts where those of us who do choose to utilize a facility are lambasted for not taking care of the person at home, whether it is their own home or the loved one's home - they say things like this person took care of you and loved you when you were growing up, it is your DUTY to now care for them in return. I have not seen anyone get punked for doing the home-care.

As BarbBrooklyn says, the majority of us who choose a facility have expressed respect and kudos to those who can or have to care for the person themselves. The majority of those who suggest or push for moving the person to a facility do so because the person posting is questioning whether they are doing the right thing! They express misgivings and feelings of guilt. We are merely trying to support their decision. Yes, some are maybe overzealous in recommending a facility, others not so much. It IS a personal decision. Can one do it? Can one afford it? Are we guilty for doing this? Would they get better care at home? Would they be abused in a facility? There are many pros and cons to either decision. You said it yourself: "I do not have an opinion for do it or don't. Only that you have to choose what you think is best for your Mom and what you can live with."

I really have not seen any really negative comments directed towards those who choose to care for someone at home. Perhaps I just have not seen enough, or the postings are in older threads that I have not been privvy to. Caring for someone who just needs help, whether because of mobility or some medical complication other than dementia, is certainly more doable than caring for someone with dementia. This is how our grandmother was cared for, but she did not have dementia. Early stages of dementia, or sometimes even later stages can also be doable without severe negative repercussions for the caregiver(s). Some can even be cared for at home to the end, it all depends on how much the caregiver can handle and how severe the manifestations of the dementia are.

Like BarbBrooklyn, I also commend those who can do this on their own. I commend those caregivers who either work in a facility or are hired to assist in the home as well. Just last night I received a call regarding my mother. She was in quite a snit for hours and nothing they did or said would calm her down. She was insistent that she had to get home because she had guests. She kept pushing at the door, tried other doors, refused to listen to anyone. Because she lived at home alone prior to moving to MC, this is not something we had ever dealt with. Her "sun-downing" was more of an OCD issue, checking things over and over and over before retiring for the night. I was not sure exactly what they thought I could do because I had not dealt with any of that. She has had a few episodes over the year+ in the facility, but not like this. They were short-lived episodes and the staff was able to redirect her and calm her down. This was really over the top! I did take care of things at home and go, however by the time I arrived they finally had been able to get her back to her room with some magazines. I chose to let sleeping dogs lie and not stir her up again. I talked with the care-givers to get more information about this episode, and also gave them my utmost respect for what they do. I have been there at various times of the day and see some of what they deal with. For what they get paid, it is a hard demanding job even for them, but they care for the residents with respect and are gentle with both verbal and physical responses to various issues and crises.

While I was there they had to rouse one resident from the couch to put her to bed. It took THREE of them to get her up and into the wheelchair! I could never manage to do this for my mother even if my back wasn't an issue. She had already weighed more than me before the move and has gained another 20 pounds since the move! I had to get some new clothes for her and she just doesn't get it that she is so large. Her focus was on the tags, commenting that these were large and she usually wears medium. No mom, you don't anymore, and you cannot get into many of the clothes you have, but nothing any of us says makes a difference. In her mind she is a medium. So, the current plan is to get another order for medication - she has an appointment Monday for her pneumonia booster shot, so I will get that Rx then, if not before. They did have one back when she first moved in, but we haven't needed anything for a long time.

You ask: "So why if someone chooses to take on the challenging job of keeping a loved one at home, why is there no respect for that?" Can you point us to those disrespectful comments? Again, I really have not seen anyone get down on those who choose home care. If they are out there, take it with a grain of salt. There are other negative Nancys who post here, sometimes ridiculous postings, so we have to choose to ignore them (or take them to task!)

Let me close by saying again: Kudos to those who choose to care for a loved one at home, whether out of necessity or by choice. You certainly have my respect. Kudos to those who have to make that hard decision to seek out alternative accommodations. Aging is hard enough. Dementia can be devastating. Whatever path we choose, we make that personal decision based on what the circumstances demand and/or allow.

One more note - to those who think we who choose to put our loved ones into a facility so we can go party or enjoy life without having to deal with the issues at hand - perhaps there are some who do this so that they can wipe their hands of the responsibility. However they are likely the few. Many of us do this because we know we cannot provide the necessary care. Some elderly, especially those with dementia, can be extremely difficult to care for and our own health and sanity may require moving the person to a safe place, safe for them and us. There is NO party in my life having made this decision (joint decision with brothers.) Managing everything else (and there is a lot!) is like a full-time job. I have two brothers, but currently EVERYTHING is on my plate. Most everything I need to do is on a back-burner. Anything I want to do, forget it. There just is no time. I cannot even imagine how much more stressed I would be if I also had to provide the hands-on care as well!!! Only the bare necessities get done at home, everything else goes to managing everything for our mother (finances, bills, appointments, etc), visiting her, and my own current financial crisis. Enjoying my retirement? HAH! Our grandparents were gone before our parents retired. They enjoyed MANY years of snow-birding, travel, having friends and relatives over and visiting the same. MANY years. What have I done since retirement? Nothing. So to those who dump on us for making the decision to put mom or dad into a facility - BAH! If it could be done it would be, but caring for a large person with dementia is just not something I can do at my age and condition. There is no right or wrong. It is what it is.

disgusted: It's each and every one person's situation and decision, e.g. say the caregiver had to move from Australia to Maine? Or the carer is in the same town as their LO?

smeshque:  That's right. It's each person decision.

Update: my sister moved my mom in. I could just sit in a chair and stare. Friday I went and picked up my mom. Facility(house) she was already dressed, clean ,but out of it. I took her out in car. We went to KFC for mash potatoes, and green beans. Took her to park, to eat, and then took her back. Girls text me later and said she had eatin some supper with their help. When I was going to her home she would still be in bed, and wet. I would help get her up, clean her, and dress her. Then take her out. Today I am going to get her to bring her to my house for dinner. Location is a breeze. I do have to get a urine sample because I believe her reoccurring UTI, is messing with her. I still am in charge of her care. I dream about my mom every night. It doesn’t go away.

Thank you for the update, Ihave1now. I am keeping you and your mom in my prayers. I do hope that you will continue to update us.

Smeshque, I was so surprised by your post that I went back through this thread and reread every message. I see nothing criticizing those of us who try to care for their loved ones at home. I see only stories are how very difficult it is, which is the reality. Across all the threads on this site, I've never seen criticism of those who try to care for a LO at home. I do see PLENTY of stories about siblings not helping, and narcissistic parents who are difficult to care for. This, again, is the reality that most of us live with. May I ask what you saw as criticism of those who care for a LO at home? I see only respect and admiration for those who are able to do so, as well as support for those who are struggling.

Update:I have been up since 3. One week into move and yesterday I signed my mom up on hospice. Her walking and swallowing just tanked. She already had these signed before the move, but now they are amplified. She is in a very clean and comfortable setting, with wonderful girls. Right now I am questioning myself. Her care is great, it just isn’t her old filthy, house, alone. Do we have a deep down sense of where we are, or the dementia?

I'm sorry she's had this sudden setback. Hope the hospice team are able to give you good clear explanations of what's happening with her.

You and your sister have got your mother to a place of safety where she is kept clean and comfortable and has 24/7 attention. Whether she is aware of her surroundings and their not being the home she's used to... who can know? But I am sure that she will have a strong sense of being safe and being cared for; and you haven't "abandoned" her, you're right there to hold her hand.

Don't doubt it: you should be proud of yourself. An incredibly hard decision taken and followed through. Well done.

I'm sorry that mom has had a setback. I'm not sure I understand what you are questioning yourself about? Do you think that YOU made her swallowing and walking tank? Isn't it more likely that she's got a UTI, or has had a(nother) stroke?

Our job, as loving adult children, is to make sure our parents have carers, are safe, (mostly dry) and fed. Elders decline on their own schedule. Your mom has dementia, a life-limiting illness. Some forms of dementia come with gradual decline. Vascular dementia (whch my mom had) came with months of plateaus and then a sharp decline into the next "steady state".

(((((hugs))))))) You aren't doing anything wrong. You've gotten your mom into a good, caring situation.

Update. Sitting her with my mom. She won't eat or drink. Boy,can she snore. I really don't think she knows I'm here.

I have1now. be at peace, you made the right decision for your Mom so don't question that or start on the "if I had known i would have kept her at home" You had no way of knowing what is coming to pass. She is warm and comfortable and doing what most of us hope will be the way our lives end. You are by her side and on some level she knows you are there. If you are both religious have a clergyman come in and read passages from the bible to her. if not read things she enjoyedor play her favorite music or turn on the TV shows she liked to watch even if it was "The price is right" or "The Golden Girls" These are all comforting things even if she seems not to be aware.
You have done everything right so never doubt that. There is no shame in doing what is right for a loved one and in your case care was the best plan for both of you.

Last night they gave my mom some morphine for labored breathing. I am numb. No feelings. I can’t explain it, but I am also angry. Everyone came out to see her. Where were they when she could of enjoyed them. Even one visit a month, would of appreciated.