We are wanting just the 4 of us at the table, not caregiver as it is family time. We offered her off from 2-9 pm to go back to city and be with friends. She was hurt saying they all had plans. We have concerns with her anyway which we spoke with her about last night. The main one is her flirtatious behavior with my husband. My mother, her charge, wad the first one to notice it and she is bothered by it. My husband who is pretty naive to this does see it. The worst part is whenever I walk into the room she abruptly goes into another room like she feels guilty. I feel disrespected in my home. My husband mentioned this to her and naturally she denied that. She said she isnt "as close" to me because I am direct. My personality is direct and. not easy-going like my husbands. Most people would appreciate a direct personality as they know where they stand. I have always been nice to her. She takes offense when I tell her to do something differently with my mother. I've told her, as has my husband, we are following the doctors orders or rehabs instructions. The list goes on. My mother is 85, I am 56, my husband 52 and the caregiver is 40. She dresses in tight yoga pants, off the shoulder sweaters and leg warmers. My husband is very good looking. I trust my husband with all of this. Oh, and last night she told me that "any young woman who came into your home would flirt with your husband because he is a very good looking man".
Ufortunately she is the best we have had-we have had liars, people stealing, one getting naked in the shower with my mother, none previously who would cook (everything was fried in gallons of olive oil), one that said, when looking at our dogs she ATE dogs.
So obviously there are a lot of issues here but what I want to know now is it rude to just want the family at the Thanksgiving table?
Sorry for the soap opera but I wanted to supply a background.
Thank you for any suggestions.
Susan
Both my husband and I work and need to work full time. I have taken 4 years to build up my practice and cannot take time off, except when I need to get her to doctors appointments.
Thank you again everyone. I know I have not ackowledged everyone individually but please know you are thanked!
Also, I don't know what state you're from, but here in NY, (where everything is expensive), the aids we had were barely making $15 an hour, and no health insurance. You're paying way too much.
Maybe look into other agencies, also check with some local nursing homes if they have any recommendations regarding a different agency. I think the social workers there would have a better idea of who to use.
Good luck . . .
In my area RN's are billed at $70.00 an hour.
What was important is that I enjoyed my time on Saturdays. Had I been constantly worrying about what caregiver was doing then what would be the point in having her there to begin with? I had to trust her, and did implicitly. But, I had to let go. I was not there when she was and only she can judge how to best deal with any situation that arose. And things are going to happen. Mom did not know this caregiver from Adam, it did not matter that she had been regular caregiver for a year and a half or not. What works for me does not work for her and she needed to figure that out on her own what would work the best. I trusted her and appreciated her dedication.
As-far-as Thanksgiving dinner, I don't know that I'd be comfortable with her at the table, with my husband, if she's still "flirting" with him. Especially after you've told her you're not comfortable with her actions. Your husband should also mention that he doesn't appreciate her comments, or company.
We had to hire caregivers for my mother-in-law, before she passed away. Believe me when I tell you, it's difficult to find good help ... That being said, if she continues her "flirting", I would fire her on the spot, next time. I would also inform the agency.
When my mother-in-law napped, the caregiver would sit in her room and read, crochet, listen to music with ear bud, or watch TV (with low volume). They are to stay in the room WITH her, whether she's sleeping or not. What if she wakes up and needs something? She should be there for her. She should NOT be in other areas of the house.
Good luck and God Bless . . .
This might be uncomfortable for you (it would be for me). I advise outlining your action plan in writing. Beginning to end, with a pre-determined solution for every possible "if" and "but." And (I'm not joking) write your script and your answers to every conceivable wheedle/rebuttal/sob story/gaslight/fake outrage on index cards, like flashcards. Rehearse in private. Be sure to have the flashcards with you drop the hammer. Don't worry about "looking weird" with your cheat sheet. You have much bigger fish to fry.
The add'l details you supplied confirms that your caregiver is a conniver, a miscreant and a thief. She is a threat to the integrity of your home -- and probably working on your stepson already. Definitely change the locks as soon as she's gone (I mean that day).
I hope you do not need any more convincing. If you do, install nanny-cams throughout your house. Bet you'll learn even more about how much this troll is exploiting you.
BTW - speaking of cameras....if there were municipal cameras at the scene of caregiver's hit-run (or victim got photo of license plate) and victim reported the accident, caregiver was mailed a citation, at the very least. (If she caused bodily harm, there could be a warrant for her arrest). Smart money says she ignored all requests for accountability, did not pay fines, and is driving on a suspended or nearly-suspended license. Prob without insurance, too. She could very well be one moving violation away from a "re-assignment" at county lock-up.
I urge you to buckle down and do the hard work. This will not fix itself......it will worsen by the day. Good luck to you. And have faith that you will find the proper replacement. I truly believe that he or she is out there. You simply (and not-so-simply) need to Make It Happen.
Wishing you courage.
In time, when I am ready, I will slowly add more people when I feel the time is right for me.
I was a person that became very ill due to caregiver burnout, so please all of you, you are important, very important.
My health is marvelous now.
Warm thoughts. D.
As for the comments that offended you...some folks were just joking around on your thread, not really aimed at you and not trying to offend. You tend to get a little of that the longer a thread gets, people adopt it as their own and stray off topic :)
I have two college degrees, which does nothing but, allow me to determine what I wish to do, and in the era when I received those there it was required with many jobs in the Banking field I was in to have those degrees. That does not define me as a person. It is a statement that I am a person that had a dream, and those two dreams were fulfilled by me.
Moving on . . . mother fell ill to Alzheimer's and I am reading much of this with sadness, and I realize I came in at the end. This is a no brainer, she is not working out, has not been working out, and Holidays are time off: I know many caregivers live in and out that paid holidays are completely up to the family.
The sadness for me is that I have been the person not living in but working 14 hour days (and this is not a pity statement, for anyone), 7 days a week, that was in 2014, and she silently passed on in October. I have since, slowed way down, and work much less, as the client literally had zero family, and I was greatly gifted by her, as in the end, the reality was she decided to put those that helped her in the last year of her life in her will. It was not about the money, it was about the honor to feel that my husband and I were the only one's that would be a part of her life, while her son's and sister were busy fighting about things far off in another state. Regardless, I never stopped loving a woman whom was in pain, crabby some days, delightful others, would fire me one day, and call me back in 5 minutes. I knew she was towards the end, why on earth would I take that personally. Yes, some said, without my Psychology Degree it would have been hard. It was a reality of life. A lesson that I will never forget and a lesson that to this day has kept me from re entering the full time care of Seniors. I do not say that negative, but as you and I all know from the caregiving standpoint, that was far too much work for one person. My husband assisted when he could. She had no one. Towards the end, as I just started to get together a team for 24 hour care, her life expectancy was towards the end. Therefore, in the end, it was my husband and I. That does not make us hero's. It was a lesson of love, laughter, (a bitter angry woman), that we learned to love because regardless she was in pain from the separation of her family, the loss of her husband, or the abandonment of her entire family, because she was sick, and very demanding and bossy. I knew her, and in a short 8 months, it is amazing how you can know someone's every moves. Regardless, I loved her, she trusted me, her accountant, and attorney trusted me, and stated countless times, that there are a few in the caregiving world like me. Again, all I am doing is making a word for those of use, that chose to do this for the "love" of it, and for the "love of caring for people".
One of the things I decided to do, after my family decided to change rotation on whom the unpaid caregiver's (in my personal family) was be a paid caregiver, private, and I am, I believe an outstanding person, I do not lie, cheat, I pass any criminal or other background check, have never or would never consider snooping, always and I mean ALWAYS listen to my clients, regardless of the job, they are the ones that are paying me, and doing things the way they want is of most importance to me. Honor, Respect, and remember at all times, this is their house.
Abuse, I have seen more abuse by family members, and I as a caregiver have called The Adult family Services because I care.
I chose to come into this business, and for the reason of this, when my mother fell ill, I looked around and saw what you are all talking about.
I have no room in my life for gossip, for being on the telephone (unless my client has a need, or would want me to call a family member), I am a professional caregiver, and would never ever think of flirting with anyone, that is absolutely not accepted, and she/he would have been out. Having a hard time finding a person, trust me, there is someone, just search farther out. I know that is easier said than done, but those like I, whom "step by step", "day by day", will show this world, that caregiving has an entirely different meaning at times than it did 50 years ago.
Please give us, the people that are really trying to love, show compassion, care for, listen, and of course, Thanksgiving is your Holiday, and if I am invited, that is my decision to decide if I am to show up, I would never think or be hurt because of a decision you decided to make with your family.
I am responsible, I have raised two boys, I have care for my lovely mother for 2 years in our home, and I have seen those that are not trustworthy, and that is why I have decided to go from a great career with great money, to something that I would not trade for the world.
To know that I am making a difference in a families life, to know that they can leave at any time, and I am the same person that is there when no one but the client is there. To know that 99% of the time (I do need a 5 minute break), I am thinking ahead of what needs to be done, in order to give the family the reassurance that I am worth every penny, and there is so much more to say, I would never think of abusing, snooping, stealing, flirting, I am a woman in my 50's happily married, and can tell the world "I really love what I do", I care about the people and truly have seen the industry where I live start to turn around. It is very hard as a caregiver, when money is gone, and the "son" is the one that took it, and she gets the blame because "why not", but I am a woman of morals, and of high ethics, and I would never have quit my corporate job, and continued on with caregiving, if I did not love it.
The "son" came forward, she took him out of the will. The truth sets people free. (my belief)
It is very sad to hear all of these people come in and totally abuse their positions, and not even listen to the people that are paying them.
I would hope that if there are caregivers out there that are reading this that have any of those defects, which are serious in my mind, be honest, look in the mirror, and walk into your employer or client, and tell them you are not meant to be a care giver, or possibly that particular position is not a good match. However my gut says, with all of the craziness of what I heard, this woman does not belong in anyone's home for any reason.
Caregivers can allow their feelings to get hurt, or do what is right, this is about human compassion, care, love, endless hours of dedication, no Skype, cell phone, flirting, and all of the other things. If I were in that position and hired someone, they would have been gone in an hour or less. I understand we all have our situations, yes but there was no one else. But if it is another person's home, and there is Thanksgiving, I would never expect live in or out, to be invited.
If I am, that would tell me that they wanted me there, but I as a Caregiver, I really believe at times, there are situations, and every situation is different when families need to be alone, or just need one occasion to be together "i get that". Possibly, that is a time, when a caregiver really needs a break.
Thank you for all who wrote to remind me, and all of the other terrific caregivers out there to keep up the good work, and to remember "step by step", "day by day", we do make a difference, and it shows.
Thank you to all for listening.
I hope we all managed to find something to be Thankful for. I am thankful for the many people that have come to love and trust me as a human being. That above anything else, is very important, especially in the world the way it is.
Protect the dog too.
We've used two different agencies for my mom - one was crap and the other outstanding. Maybe hiring caregivers through an agency is like a box of chocolates? But it sounds like you couldn't do much worse if you tried that route again - just hide the dog!
So, what are you going to do? Your mom just told you that the caregiver is outright taking what is not hers. Not even asking, but just taking. You really need to get rid of her. It's just not worth it. Maybe you need to put an ad for a wider area. Just remember to do background checks and ask for referrals and make sure to call and speak to the person. Ask specific questions about the caregiver and their caregiving techniques.
How far are you going to let her abuse your trust and your home?
Are you at all satisfied with the weekend aide? Maybe she wants more hours.
So sorry that you must have this added stress to your life.
S
First to reply to gladimheren here is the schedule: caregiver gets up anout 9 am, takes a shower, wakes my mom up at 9:30 and assists my mom if she needs it in the shower-usually she stands outside the bathroom door for 8 minutes. My mom then asks for help with getting sweater on due to artbritis. And help with socks. It is now about 9:50 a.m. She has my mom sit in her nice comfy chair in her bedroom and turns on the TV for her. Then the caregiver goes downstairs puts two eggs in a pot to soft boil for my mother, then gets her a bowl of cereal and when the eggs are done brings up the cereal eggs and coffee to my mom. Now, while she is waiting for the eggs to soft boil she sits there leisurely and have a nice cup of coffee. When she brings the breakfast to my mother she takes the fitted sheet off the bedn the clothes that my mother wore the day before (pants, top of some sort and socks and takes them downstairs and throws it in the wash. She then has breakfast whe she waits for sheet to be done. Then she throws it in the dryer. Then she is on the phone until lunchtime. My moms lunch typically consists of one piece of bread, two slices of some sort of deli meat, one slice of cheese, water because my mother dehydrates very easily and a piece of fruit. That takes 6 minutes. She brings that to my mother. Then she gets her lunch and goes to her room and Skypes with her mother for 1 hour. Dinner might consist of putting a piece of chicken in the oven with a potato and putting a vegetable into the water to cook. The few dishes that are used she puts in the dishwasher. She sits the rest of the day and watches TV talks on the phone Skype and that's about all we can figure out. She does no extra work. She does not clean up like she is supposed to. She rarely empty the dishwasher. She has a old car now and she's been driving just a few months she said it. She has already been in a small hit and run, yes I did say hit and run. She is also had a few tickets for speeding and for parking. This all in just a few short months. Needless to say I am NOT comfortable having her take my mother anywhere yet. She gets paid $265.00 a day. She has a minimum of 10 hours in her room at night to sleep. Often times it is closer to 11 hours. In the 14 months we have used caregivers no one has ever had to get up in the middle of the night to assist my mother with anything. And the few times my mother did cough or need something the caregiver no matter which caregiver it was who has a baby monitor which is on full volume and you can hear quite clearly has never gotten up. My husband and I are the ones who got up.
So our caregivers have had the opportunity to get between 10 and 11 hours of sleep every night on interrupted. As you can see the amount of work they have done is extremely minimal.
As far as the one who said we eat dogs and having no respect for me, she had not even met me yet. She had walked in the door to report for her first day and my husband walked into the room and was just about to introduce her to my mother and she saw our dogs and made that comment. I'm not sure who had said that that caregiver had no respect for me because of the comments she made about her dogs however she had not even met me at that point.
Black hole, I really appreciated your response. And thank you for the empathy. We've gone through several agencies and we have had just very disappointing and sometimes horrific experiences with us. You are right the level of respect for me is zero and I do like the idea of trying to quietly interview other people before we let this one go. The problem is they have to come into the home and I don't want to be able to have the other one know what's going on. Prior to everyone telling my husband what was going on he may have driven her to the store if she needed to get something however with everything going on in his awareness now there is not a snowball's chance that he would do that.
And now let me tell you about Thanksgiving. We told her that after being up until 3 in the morning the past few nights and be on our feet for two days preparing everything that we were going to put on some nice clean pajamas and have our Thanksgiving dinner or pajamas. I told her I'm not fixing myself up I am simply going to be just as I am and we're going to relax this Thanksgiving. It was only going to be myself my husband my mother and my 18 year old step son. My mother who at 85 has become quite vain decided she wanted to wear a nice pair of pants and sweater and have her nails done and put on a little makeup. God bless her, she's adorable. She was the only one who is going to dress up. About 20 minutes before dinner was about to be done I haven't walk out of my room and I saw her and she said to me I'm putting on makeup so I can be pretty for everyone. And she painted her nails. And then she changed into a nice low cut top and tight pants and that was her outfit for Thanksgiving. Conversation was strained. My husband was distantly polite if you can picture that.
Today, we have the weekend caregiver here, my mom asked me if vitamin E oil was expensive. She has been using it on her hands at the doctors suggestion. I told her no, why? Well the full time caregivef has been pouring it all over herself! The large bottle that was purchased a week ago is nearly gone! Then my mom said all her lotions are gone too as are several of her nail polishes. She said the caregiver "feels free to come in and use all of my things all the time". THEN my mother said she had a small candy bar in her drawer she was saving until she had a taste for it and the caregiver walked into my moms room, opened the drawer and said "I'm stealing your candy, I have a taste for it".
So, that is the latest.
By my calculation that is a 24 hour a day job. Hope you are paying her minimum wage and overtime as required by labor laws.