I take care of my elderly parents w/o any help from my brother who doesn't want to be bothered. My mom doesn't want to hurt my brother's feelings, so she never gets mad at him or tells him he needs to help out. My mom has no issues yelling at me.
Anyone else in this same situation?
She wanted a girl, but not for the right reasons. She wanted a Mini-Me. I was a living doll to dress up and show off. I wasn't ME, I was an extension of HER. I was never a tomboy but after awhile I was tired of the frilly dresses and bows. Tired of "Show [relative or friend] your dress! Twirl around!". That's when it went downhill. She saw I was not going to be what she expected and it made her crazy. My brother didn't get this pressure; being a boy, of course he wouldn't be like her.
I think some of "my mother hated girls" comes from the mom's own self loathing. My mom acts confident, but really has little self-confidence. She is all about appearances since she feels it's all she has to offer. In their daughters, they see everything they hate about themselves. Some moms are jealous of their daughter's youth or qualities the daughter has that Mom doesn't. Love is a competition to these mothers. If daughter becomes "daddy's little girl", they get angry that daughter gets so much attention and she doesn't. It's twisted.
Also, daughters are often raised to be helpless. I know I was. That we can't make it on our own. Boys are pushed out into the world and less afraid. Girls get taught early on how the world is dangerous and to watch how they dress, act, and so on. Boys, almost never. If a daughter is grown but has no family of her own, she's still considered part of her parents, like she's still a kid. Think of a wedding, when the pastor says “Who gives this woman in marriage?”. I’ve never heard “who gives this MAN in marriage?”. Boys become independent MEN as soon as they’re legal adults.
A friend of mine was born to older parents. They'd had two boys prior and she was an "Oops, I thought it was menopause!" baby. Her mother was narcissistic and smothering. From the time my friend was in high school, her mother would tell her, "Well, I guess you'll be the one taking care of us when we're old and gray." They already WERE old and gray! The boys could go as they pleased, and even told my friend they were glad they were boys, so they wouldn't have to take care of Mom. She'd tell my friend she couldn't make it on her own. What she really meant was "I can't make it on my own, so when I'm widowed you'll need to stay with me." Whaddaya know, friend said hell no and left.
We're discussing homecare but she lost the paperwork that was left by our consultant back in February.
She's doing the weirdest things, she could've called the younger brother to fix her outside faucet but didn't. She said it was too rusty, no way he could've fixed it? He's in heating and plumbing!
So seeing everyone posting makes me feel better, too!
You might think about getting outside help so you can repair your relationship with your mother? I'm hoping less confrontation will let the mending begin. We love them but they don't understand that at a certain age roles reverse and want to continue to be the mom.
Love and luck to all!
I know she loved me and we had a close relationship but I always saw how brother didn't have to do anything and he stole her heart. In fact all three of my brothers, the same thing.
It hurt sometimes but I just accepted it.
Mothers and sons . . .best friends. Fathers and daughters . . best friends.
Something I've observed my whole life with other families. It seems to be an anomaly when a mother and daughter get along like BFF's . . or fathers and sons.
I'm pretty sure you're not alone with this situation. Hell, even my mom liked my husband more than me. Yeap. Only child/daughter here. My mom practically ignored me when both of us visited her. Still , not easy to take, is it. *sigh*
My brother’s too busy doing things around the house (drinking alcohol & smoking cannabis) to help. He reeked of one or the other until I pointed it out. Now he smells like cheap drugstore cologne.
I bailed last month on all three until things change. I’m not holding my breath, except for the stench of pot or Old Spice.
Thanks, OP, for this. It’s an injustice to hardworking adult daughters. Should be a rallying cry for change.
My dad, on the other hand, when he was alive, doted on me, and took me places, but left the boys at home.
It's a no win situation so don't bother trying. Your brother will always be the golden child to your parents..........the less he does, the more golden he shall be. Unfair and stupid as hell, but typical.
Your Mom may not take your brother to task because she knows it would do no good. Why bother? Where would it get one, but more loss.
As to her yelling at you, how about you look her right in the eye and say "I know you are my Mom and I know you love me, and I know you know I love YOU, but let me tell you, human being to human being, it is NOT OK to yell at me. And when you do it I will withdraw from you for a while, for my own sake. Doesn't mean I don't love you. Just means I will give myself a break.
I think if you plan on your Mom joining you in anger at the bro? That's a waste of your time. You know the sitch and so does she, and it won't change. He is what he is.
Her last years weren't the best but we did what we could and she slipped away peacefully in her sleep.
Not a great environment to grow up in.