Does anyone else get treated differently than other family members?

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Does anyone else get treated differently than other family members?

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It's a thing, yes. I want to believe it's just because we are "old news" -- we're around all the time, what could be new with us?, compared to grown children who live far away and only call once a week (or month).

This is also exactly why I've never cared for the parable of the prodigal son.

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This is all too common. Usually the one who does the very most for parents (typically the daughter) gets taken for granted.

The children who do the least are ‘welcomed’ guests because they long to see them. They see it as a treat!

It becomes perplexing for the primary caregiver because it is natural to desire appreciation for all of the efforts made to keep their lives running as smoothly as possible.

A simple, ‘Please or Thank you’ goes a long way. Sometimes we learn what to do from our parents and other times we learn what not to do. Ironically, my parents and grandparents did teach us manners. Somehow, common courtesy often falls by the wayside.

I found it interesting that when others complemented my behavior with my parents to my parents they never hesitated to say, “Yes, I don’t know where I would be without her.” But privately, those sentiments weren’t always expressed, but rather expected from me.

What did I learn from my personal interaction with them? Well, I made a specific point that whenever my children or someone else does something kind for me, I remember to say thank you.

I always beamed inside if others complemented my children for having manners. Having good manners never goes out of style!

It’s the little things that have always mattered the most to me.

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It maybe you’re a reminder that they’re not independent anymore and need help, and you know the truth. Other family comes and it’s the way it used to be, they feel like their old selves.

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I gave up everything to come back to take care of my mother.
Meanwhile the ufpos ( useless freeloading pieces of sh&t ) get money every month while not helping out at all.
Now, I have put my foot down. I do the bare necessities. If she wants anything else done I tell her to call on the freeloaders. After all, she has given them a lot more money than me, now it is time to earn it. If she wants me to do anything she will put the money in my hand first.
She is furious but I do not care.
I look at it like I am Jesus' free will servant taking care of my mom like He directs me to in the Bible. Jesus loves me a lot more than she does. Jesus has promised to always take care of His servants and He has for the last forty years so I am not worried if she boots me out ( which is highly unlikely as that would mean she would have to move into a seniors home. She has seen what happened when her friends (which are bitc^hes ) moved in and it was not nice. The staff were not abusive but no one would come to visit and the staff ignored them because they were such b@tches. ).
The most abused segment of society is care givers. It does not matter what country you live in.

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Just because a word can be found in a dictionary does not make its use justified or appropriate. As a regular reader of this forum I cannot give this language a pass.

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Yes, I am treated as the "help". She has literally left me in her apartment to put away clothes that I've washed for her, to go talk with someone else who lives there. It makes me wonder if she even really knows who I am. So I just finish the tasks and leave.

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Yes! It’s amazing to see how many other’s situations mirror my own in some way. I feel for you all. Mom lives with me and I have 2 sisters in other states. One is competent and capable and helps with caregiving in all the ways she can long distance even if it’s just a much needed virtual pat on the back! The third sister has always been the problem child to say the least. Mom of course only cares about her. She lights up when she talks to her on the phone and chats for hours and is so insulting to me and my other sister. She really only talks to either of us to ask about how our sister is! And when I try to talk to mom she either pretends not to hear me or rolls her eyes or some other brief and negative response. I think maybe it is a magnification of the way things have always been, like someone mentioned, but so intensified now with dementia. I do a lot of extracting myself from the room to do a little deep breathing when mom starts in on sending her favorite child money (again!) I’m human and I do sometimes feel hurt and maybe even a little resentful of that sister who is so dysfunctional and takes advantage of all of us in varying ways. But I’m lucky that my DH and my “good” sister help keep me grounded about all of it. Good luck to the OP and everyone else with trying not to take it too personally. Chances are you know you’re doing the right thing no matter what is said (or not said) to you about what a great job you are doing.

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I don't know what causes this - perhaps familiarity makes them feel they can treat you dismissively. If it hurts and bothers you, and it sure would do that to me, I would just simply walk away from them and let others deal with them. I will not allow people to treat me badly especially if I am helping them. You do not deserve this and you must take immediate actions to distance yourself until they either stop behaving that way or they are removed from your presence. Don't let them do this to you. You have your life to live and the right to live it in peace.

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Yes, but it was like that for me my entire life. I only just saw it now. If this is you too, you might want to read up on narcissistic parents in case it applies. If so, you will learn a lot to help yourself.

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Stilltired,

Could be a couple different things going on here.

1) Even though you have been such a tremendous help to them, it may be a constant reminder of the fact that they are getting older and actually are in need of help. It might be a bitter pill for them to swallow that they are losing their independence.

2) When my son was 4, if he got mad at me he would scream "I hate you!"
My psychologist friend told me that it was because my son knew no matter what he said to me, my love was unconditional. Therefore, my son felt "safe" treating me badly.
Perhaps this applies to our elderly LOs as well.

What's the old saying?
Familiarity breeds contempt!

I suggest you have a conversation with them for your own sanity.

Best wishes!!

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You are there more often. Possibly consider you a member of the household at this point. They probably talk with you with chatty welcoming conversations about as much as they do with each other.

The others come in for brief periods and perhaps they engage to keep them there longer or to get them to return sooner.

It's possible you are there a lot, getting less help from the others and it's starting to wear on you. Ask them to do more. If they see things are getting done, things are getting done w/out their help. Ask. Work out a schedule to get them in more often, just as they were able to do before.

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Imho, I get it; I really do. I was my mother's out of state caregiver (moving in with her). I was treated less than kind by my mother. And why was that? That was because I was the one who had to inform mother to take her medication, to eat and drink what I had prepared so I was "the bad guy." I noticed a difference with my one sibling. He was not going to do the caregiving, flew all the way across country when our mother was on her death bed and before that, got treated nicely by mother. Prayers sent.

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I totally understand 🌹

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Actually, it is a good thing that they act dismissive towards you. Take it as your cue to back away a little for your own sake.

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With prompting from a good friend and therapist, they did convince me to back away, for my own sake. It TOTALLY went against every instinct to 'bail out'--but I realized my sanity and health were killing me, so I did 'bail out'. I didn't leave my mom alone--the 2 sisters were forced to step in--something they NEVER would have done as long as I stayed.

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My mom often treated strangers nicer than she did me, when she had Alzheimer's. I've been told this is common, but at the time, it wasn't easy to take. People would ask me if my mom could still talk, since some Alzheimer's patients lose that ability, and I said, "Yes, she can talk; she insults me all the time." We all had to laugh. Apparently, I had a choice: a silent mom or one who insulted me. Since she didn't insult me all the time, I put up with it. (Not that I had much choice in the matter.) My husband would mouth the words "It's not really your mother" to me, which was most insightful and helpful. That's what I'd tell you. The disease causes strange things within the brain. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Just remember that insults are the disease talking.

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I am at peace that I've made arrangements to never inflict myself (if/when I become cranky, mean, critical) on my family (all of two sisters). I'm also working like a dog in my golden years for improved compensation, working conditions (basic compensation 'benefits' like medical, vacation, and even transportation compensation, etc.) and legal protections for our in-home health care professionals. It's criminal!

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I can see that there are quite a few responses already, most of them pointing out that 'familiarity breeds contempt'. I experienced it in the 5+ years I lived with my mom (a full-time job of chauffering, managing prescriptions, making nutritional and fresh meals were always provided, doing all laundry, we all know the routine). Right before I left (and forced other family members to 'take over'), the other family members decided to hire a 20 hr. a week pro caregiver (on mom's money). I lived there for about 9 months before I moved out, and the caregiver was faultless and we got along GREAT. I learned a few months ago that she'd been let go. Like pulling hen's teeth to get details, but I finally got a few words from my mom: "She got sassy." Totally broke my heart that this great young woman, working for minimum wage with few if any 'benefits' (though she drove 20+ miles each day, in her own car, her own gas and insurance), lost her job in the middle of Covid--with I'm sure a 'questionable' discharge--based on my mom's interpretation. I suspect the company uses my mom's word to avoid paying the caretaker unemployment.

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Wow, sorry to hear....we as children, the one who steps up to plate get the worst end of end of stick.
I took care of My father and he never complained Once , he was a JOY compared to my ever complaining Mom...ughhh

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Ah, yes. We certainly learn a lot about our family dynamics when we care for our parents. I moved away in my early twenties. For thirty years I thought Mother and I got on pretty well, but after becoming her 24/7/365 caregiver over the past 3.5 years, I realize it was the 600 miles and visits once or twice a year that made that so. The more I saw Mother through adult eyes, my childhood and adolescence years made so much sense. I'm not going to lie, at first it was painful and made me resentful that even to this day she does or says things that (are meant to?) make me feel not quite good enough, while my sibling who lives 600 miles away and rarely calls is the golden child.
But, I would bet money, that if she lived with my sibling, I would be golden!
I've just learned not to react by getting my feelings hurt or being resentful that she acts nicer to everyone but me, and to accept that the she's not going to change.

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I quit my job in November to help my mom. I live across the street from her. My sister takes care of the money and comes down one day a week.
I take coffee over to mom every morning. I get all her garbage together. I'm make sure she has plenty of water in the fridge. Then I go home take care of a few things. And I go back to mom's. She makes shopping list.(I shop every other day. She'd have me go everyday if she could. I usually load up on tho he she likes and leave them in the car. Especially her water. She won't drink from the faucet even though I bought her a filter. Shedoesnt know it but I refill most bottles with filtered water. I go home again for a couple hours. I always bring her coffee and I sit and we talk and watch tv together. Usually an hour and a half to 2 hrs. I go back home for the day. Mom usually calls we talk a while. Many times in between all this I get calls saying she can't flush her she can't find her favorite TV channel. She can't get the milk open etc
Well today I just got off the phone talking to my sister to see if mom and her could start paying me 50 a week. Which isn't much on my mind. You would have thought I asked for the moon. I'm on social security and I only get 949amth. I get a 400 dollar check from my ex husband. (That will end in dec) I don't know what to do. I told them I'm going back to work if they can't do it. My sister acted like I should go back to work and still help mom. Not with this virus I won't. Am I wrong to want a little money to help me out. My mom's feelings are hurt because she has been helping me with a few items of groceries but when she does this my sister gets mad and says the grocery bills r too high. And I don't buy much for myself mom gets a really goo check fr ss and has good chunk of money in a bank acct. My sister has probably saved every penny she ever made and her husband makes 6 figures as a pharmasist. I don't under stand why my sister is against helping me a little

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I experience the same but don’t let it bother me. It’s amazing how my parents suddenly become alive when a mostly absent sibling calls. I’m usually met with short words and a few grunts. Some days are good and I cherish them.

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My sister did. She took total care of my mother while she was ill with her spinal infection, then triple bypass, then sprained knee, then multiple bladder, UTI's.
My family, and myself, (the only excuse for myself is that I lived in FL, my mother and sister in UT, and my husband was a control freak, wanting my total attention) but I do understand. My siblings and I were so grateful to have Melody watching over our mother, and just continued to allow.. Allow? her to take care of her by herself, for years.. I finally moved closer, now in NV. Only two and 1/2 hours away, so I started staying nights with mom, taking her to the bathroom all hours of the night, and then when she was finally diagnosed with liver cancer staying with her for days on end, while my sister Melody looked all day for the final three days for funeral arrangements. My sister is angry, and sad that we all took advantage of her. Of course she does. I spent the final three days alone with my mother and just feel angry, at everyone, and can't understand why??? I was so very fortunate to have the time with her. I didn't believe in God, now I have much more than God to back me up, my mother is right up there behind him.
I feel your family is so grateful, and probably ashamed of themselves for having the lack of understanding, maybe even feeling they won't be have the correct knowledge in caring for your parents, so they just shy away.
Good luck, and please stay strong. You are doing what you know is right. That is best and all you can do now for yourself and your parents. Your siblings to come to terms soon enough.. unfortunately, maybe too late for them.

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When I visited rehab every 2nd day, driving there & back in peak hour, bringing supplies etc I got "have you heard from your sister?" & "when is your sister coming?" a lot.
I don't know. She never calls.

It was a Nurse that said THIS daughter is here now - enjoy HER visit.

I started to feel resentful, so I cut back the frequency of visits. I enjoyed them more & I think I was a novelty again.
I agree with *familiarity breeds contempt* idea.

Listen to your own building resentment. It may be telling you to step back a bit too?

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Sounds like great advice.

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I am an only child with x2 adult sons. I care for my mum on a daily basis, which at the moment is mainly finances, shopping, medical appointments and cajoling around meals and housework. She refuses all help suggested by outside professionals. Her needs will increase with time. Mum has always had depression and has now been diagnosed with dementia. My boys find my mum very hard work in that she can be spiteful and full of hate. They rarely visit. She has nothing good to say about me! She loves my boys to distraction and the neighbours too! Yes we have had our relationship difficulties over the years as she’s (to me anyway) narcissistic in her behaviour. She has even changed her will in favour of my boys when I am the one going in there every day and dealing with her hateful ways. I can’t offer any words of wisdom but what I can say is that, yes it’s hurtful but that we’ve done our best!

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I totally relate to you, sorry we have to be Treated like this

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Oh you are singing my song. I'm right there with you. :)

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I saw this same thing happen when I was a child as my own parents attempted to care for their parents (my grandparents). None of the grandparents ever lived with us, but my mom and dad were basically on call 24/7 for whatever need presented itself. If memory serves, this was a time span of well over 10 years from the time the first grandparent got sick to the time the last one passed away. One grandparents' home was a 45 minute drive, but the other was a full day's drive away in a neighboring state. My parents suffered professionally, personally, and our family was tremendously stressed - pretty much all the time - not knowing when we'd have to pack up and head to the home of (name your elder). As a young child, I didn't have the understanding of what was going on and I believe it impacted my personal development. My parents struggled tremendously just to keep up and I believe their parenting was impacted as well. Tempers were usually very short and my mother was generally very unhappy even if there was no apparent problem, so you can imagine what extra stress did to her. My parents would argue and my very needy mother is just pitiful when she cries - and it hurt to hear it. I had to be perfect all the time and I somehow could never do it. Anyway, in the midst of all this chaos, I had to hear my grandparents asking for my parents' absent siblings. My parents were killing themselves helping and it had to hurt badly to hear their parents asking for the other kids who were not there! "Three more days until (absent child) gets here!" And "Don't eat that. It's for (absent child) when he comes to town." "We need to clean the house for when (absent child) gets here." "Don't put that there. (Absent child) is going to use that bedroom." Yes, the ones who rarely came to town were treated like royalty. Our ragged family (who was constantly on the road driving back & forth) was treated like we were fulfilling an obligation. I recall one time where a sit down meal was being prepared, but one of the visiting absent children did not even stay long enough to eat it! Sometimes I dare to dream how my upbringing and my mom and dad's lives would have been different under different circumstances.

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Does anyone else get treated differently than other family members?

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