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ImageIMP

You've endured an awful lot and had to watch your mum suffer. I too wish your mother and yourself hadn't to go through that long awful painful time. Yes your still grieving and nobody knows how long for. Theres no time frame for grief and no matter what you will always miss her. Even when i say this to you feel pain as my mums 1st Anniversary isnt until July and was my dads 4th on Valentines Day and i miss them both ever day :(
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ImageIMP Feb 2019
Thanks - I hope things get easier for you, too... One perspective I keep trying to remember? I'm grateful have the good memories I do have before she was hurt, and remember the closeness and love we felt for so many years. I feel sorry for people who never knew that closeness, or who found their feelings ground down under the pressure. It's sort of like the saying (although of course a different context!) "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"...
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My mum had dementia and the last 10 weeks she ended up in a nursing home as she needed 24/7 care . She only lasted about 10 weeks when she went in. The last 2 went down rapidly, her death was not expected. We can only do as much for our parents as possible and you did as much as you could for your mum. Taking her home wouldn't have made any difference to the outcome. You now need to think of your good memories and know your mum wouldn't have wanted to continue living life the way things had became. May your mum RIP and you get some peace x
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Mine is in a nurse home now. U make me think.... however, you cant blame yourself as you did what you thought was best at the time. Thats all we can do, what we think is best or what we are capable of. She could have still fallen if at home if she was a fall risk. Then you would blame yourself. Either way, you made choices as best you could, it was not easy at all and no one can know how hard it was for you to even make choices for your mom. Please dont beat yourself up. Your mom knows that you did what you could. She is at peace now and will always love you and know that you cared very much. I am sorry that she suffered and i hope that you can find peace for yourself and not blame yourself. I cry a lot because my mom is in a nurse home and i feel guilt, but then i think how its not my fault that she got ill and how i do all i can out of my love.
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ImageIMP Feb 2019
I truly hope your Mom is treated kindly and respectfully... I encourage you, though, to be aware and watch for things that need to be "fixed". My Mom was a really private, modest woman. One of the incidents that stands out in my mind is the time I took her to a doc's appt. and while we waited, she crossed her arms over her chest (she had on someone else's huge sweatshirt and I thought maybe it was uncomfortable). When I asked what was wrong, she looked about to cry and said "I don't have a bra on - they couldn't find it!" (she had four 38 DD underwire bras - she needed a bra!) She said "I haven't left the house without a bra since I was 13 years old!" Facilities so badly need to recognize that individual dignity and pride are still issues to old people, and they have a right to be treated as such! Sensitivity training of staff? At the least...
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I think it is natural to go over everything you did in regards to your mom's care. We do the best we can in a brain-addled, fatigued state. Guilt is common afterward. Perhaps it would help to talk with a counselor?
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ImageIMP Feb 2019
Per counselor? I saw one weekly for a year, both during events and after Mom died... I feel 20 years older... I guess being in a constant "fight" mode for several years can do that! I'm really trying to get a thicker skin, and more acceptance of what she went through unnecessarily, but? I'm seriously considering trying to get an appointment with the (new) manager of the rehab facility, and try to make them at least understand the consequences of the damage they caused - in less than a week - for the next 2 years after I took her out of their facility... They should know that they didn't simply ruin her feet, they ruined the last years of her life... She should have been able to come home - the "rehab" there was supposed to ensure that, because when she went there from the hospital where she'd had ortho surgery, the orthopedic surgeon said she did so well he expected she would regain pre-fall mobility and be fine... Instead she ended up on narcotic pain meds every 4 hours and wound care/dressing changes on her feet every other day for over a year... There could be no rehab... I'm trying to get over my anger as well as my grief...
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ImageImp,

You feel how you feel. There isn’t a ‘right or wrong’ way to feel in these situations. Please know that you did all that you could possibly do.

It is completely obvious how much you loved her or you wouldn’t even be questioning your decision. You know that deep down the care she required was more than one person could realistically handle, both physically and mentally.

Is it normal to question something? In my opinion it is. It shows me that you are a person that carefully considers all options and that is to be commended.

I agree with cwille, the elderly are vulnerable. You were your mother’s strongest advocate. Take comfort in that. I wish she hadn’t suffered as she did. I wish you hadn’t witnessed that. I hate injustice of any form. As a society we need to do all that we can to make positive changes for a safe and happy environment for everyone who needs care.

Take care and always remember what you meant to your mom. Something tells me you meant as much to her as she meant to you.
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I truly don't believe you should feel any guilt.  With your mom's medical problems, I cannot see how she could have been cared for at home, unless you are so wealthy that money is no consideration. You did the very best you could, but this is not a perfect world. Not your fault.  I'm sure your presence meant a great deal to her. You should be proud of that. But don't doubt yourself because you couldn't wave a magic wand. None of us can.
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Honey, none of us can see the future and you couldn't have known how severe or how long her illness/injuries could become or last. You did the best you could for her. There is no changing things now. Not sure what your religious beliefs are, but I believe your mom is out of pain now and with loved ones. Being as close as you described your relationship, I'm sure she knew you were doing what you thought was right for her and wanted the best for her. And that said, I'm sure she would not want you to carry regrets for the rest of your life, rather remember her with love and a smile for all the good memories you shared.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry your mom had to endure that and I'm sorry you had to bear witness. Occasionally there will be headlines about something horrific that has taken place in a nursing home or in the community, but every day there are horror stories like yours taking place that are unmarked except by those who are living the nightmare. The vulnerable in society, be they children, mentally ill or challenged or the elderly, have always been at the mercy of those who care for them. My petty regrets (and I have many) pale in comparison to those you have endured. The reality is that we are caught between that proverbial rock and hard place, at some point the choices are all impossible. I don't have the answers, I wish I did.
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ImageIMP Feb 2019
Thanks cwillie - I think I feel particular resentment toward "the system" because in fact I did try to bring attention to the abuse - to the blatant mistreatment of the first facility (and since then I've heard a lot of horror stories of what others have encountered at that same facility). I filed an abuse report/complaint with the State of Oregon... I had a detailed, daily diary which listed all the people, situations, and mistreatment explicitly. I had graphic, clear photos of the accelerating damage to her feet. I had evidence! The State "interviewed staff and witnesses" and found the facility "had a care plan in place", etc. etc. What witnesses? There were none except me! Staff? They would certainly volunteer and recount abuse? My photos were "inadmissable" because they were of a 95 year old woman's feet, complete with a missing toe and fungal nails, but - since I didn't have pics of the "total person" and then incrementally of her feet, etc., it couldn't be proven they were HER feet. Seriously?! I DID get proof - I obtained doctors' photos they'd taken for their records, which validated my photos. Care plan? Only after she was already damaged and I demanded a care meeting! Again, simply following dates and events I documented would have proved this. Anyway, the whole process was exhausting, frustrating, and in the end, infuriating... So - I now believe it's usually not possible to go up against large, rich, corporations - those that own and "manage" many different facilities. They exert too much influence and have too much money, and that takes precedence over human suffering...
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Your post brought tears to my eyes, I hear everything your heart is saying. You did everything you possibly could to take care of your mom! Sometimes, this is what death leaves us with. The pain leaves us questioning so many things & making us doubt that we were doing our absolute best. With me, I think part of it may be my emotions trying to re-work things so my lost loved one could still be alive, which certainly isn’t true or even possible. It can take a lot of mental effort to work through a loss, and in the process, your heart, emotions, and reality can really battle each other.
Sending you a big hug!!!
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ImageIMP Feb 2019
Thanks so much for your response... I can tell you really do understand. It seems about the time I think I'm "stable" with her loss, something happens and the wound rips open again... I miss her so much...
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You are still grieving, that’s normal.
Find a bereavement support group, it will definitely help. You can check alz.org for support in your area.
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