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I'm so very sorry for your loss. If I knew you I would have sent you a card and maybe a fruit basket. Yes, I do those things.

I don't know what's wrong with people these days, I find some people (not all) have been selfish and only care about themselves. It's become a world where people feel entitled and lack empathy.

When my neighbor's husband passed away (and I don't know my neighbor that well) I brought her a box of assorted desserts from my local bakery.

Good for you for going to work and seeing a therapist.

Sending you hugs,
Jenna
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I'm sorry for your loss! When my mom passed a few years ago, I got more sympathies via FB than by mail. Those who I would have thought would communicate, didn't. I've always tried to at least send a card to the family.
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I had a very similar experience too. It was 3 years ago, but it still hurts.
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Social media was designed for increased communications but it seem that it has done just the opposite. It has become too easy to send impersonal messages via Facebook, etc. rather than the effort to send a wrtten card or visit an individual. I received just a few cards when my dad died in January after being his primary caregiver for almost 2 years. No follow up calls,either. I am not on any social media outlets other than email and I feel so relieved not to be addicted to the social media madness. I hope you find some peace after all you have been through and take time to do things you enjoy to heal.
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Without addressing the specifics of your situation, I will say times have changed and customs vary greatly according to where you live. Yes, people do still reach out with flowers, cards, etc. However, a notice in the newspaper is not likely to reach that many people anymore. Neighborhoods don't collect to send flowers when someone dies like they did in my youth (telling my age there!). Most news travels by Facebook, etc., which I do not engage in. I recently had a loss and realized most of my friends did not know unless I told them. And if some time passes people may feel awkward because so much time has passed and they don't know what to say (not an excuse there, but a little bit of reality). Yes, I have been hurt when I felt others should care more, but I try to take a lesson that I need to reach out more and be aware of what others are going through. I know I have fallen short at times so I need to cut others some slack. For those you feel have been your friends in times past, don't hold back from getting in touch. Don't assume you know what people are thinking, at least give them a chance and find out.
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I send but never received. Different era. All the niceties and manners we grew up with have disappeared. If you get anything it's by Facebook or email. Very sad but true. So sorry for your loss. Sending virtual hugs as I don't have your contact info. 💓🌹💖
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How sad. I would think your own close friends might at least call or email conolences.

Flowers and cards are more formal and perhaps people are getting lazier and more casual and do not want to bother with "old fashioned" conventions.

But for no one to acknowledge you loss or express sympathy has me worried for you about your own social contacts and friendships. Do you have people in your life who care about you?
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No, sadly we have lost many such things as life moved to the electronic and digital age.
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JennaRose Jun 2021
Sometimes I think that life was better before computers and cell phones were invented in so many different aspects (not just for older people but for young people as well).
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Jewish people send food during Shiva. Even though we hadn't been able to actually receive Shiva visitors, in many cases, the sending of food could still be done and was done.
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PCVS Jun 2021
Also, making donations to charity. Always available!
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None of the family did, I guess because they are relatives also. A friend, the church & one other sent flowers. We did get quite a few cards. ( My mom had worked at the local bank when younger though, so she was well known). Mom passed during Covid so there was not a viewing. It seems from what I have seen lately if a viewing was held for anyone some flowers are sent but not like before. I think the biggest thing I noticed when mom passed other then a fruit basket, none of the neighbors we know really well nor church members dropped off any food or meals. That was tough, I was so devastated even though I knew it was coming, I still had to provide food for family and my dad. I ended up sending my husband & son that came up out for a week of take out for all but breakfast. I was in a fog. I am so sorry no one thought to send at least a card for your loss.
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I send cards depending on how close I was to the person that passed or to their family. With social media, sending sympathy, thank you or birthday cards seems to be a lost tradition. I find that very sad. I’m so sorry you feel alone and neglected. Keep going to therapy and just accept that in this ever changing world, this no longer happens. But if you send a card next time you get the chance, do so. Let the other person feel loved by your actions.
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I am so sorry that no one acknowledged your loss by sending a card or flowers. That is heartbreaking. Someone should have reached out to you.

Is it possible that someone did a memorial via Facebook, that you were not aware of?

I know it might sound strange, but FB has a function where people can write their memories and condolences on a memorial page. It's actually very nice.
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My Mother passed away and a distant friend sent flowers and a card, that meant so much to me. And nothing from close friends and relatives not even a card.

My brother committed suicide during Covid, he was 60, and absolutely not one person sent any condolences.

I figure I really don’t have any relationships that care.
Seems as if no one has the time to drop a card from the dollar store anymore.

I have learned that you truly are here on your own, with only prayer to help you through this time.

Thank God I have a caring Husband.
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WendyElaine Jun 2021
I am so sorry for your losses, especially losing your brother to suicide. (I think people don’t know what to say sometimes rather than don’t care.) I suspect people do care about you. But it surely must hurt a lot to have this loss ignored. Any relationship that you feel you might want to hang on to, maybe let them know how hurt you are over this. They might surprise you.
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Thank you for posting this. It is a reminder to me to reach out to people. My good friend’s mom died. We talked a few times but I did not send a card. I will now.
And please accept my sympathy for your loss. Being a caregiver consumes one’s life. And when that person’s gone, there’s a big hole.💕
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So sorry for your loss!

After my Dad passed ( before covid ) my mom got a ton of cards and on my side I got a couple of cards with the vast majority of condolences on facebook. Basically ‘sorry for your loss’ and then never mentioned again and on to making posts about biscuits or whatever. I don’t expect special treatment but it does feel very hurtful and dismissive.

I think people who haven’t been in a similar situation don’t get it, plus social media makes it easy to pop one’s head in and out of making statements without getting involved. The generation gap in mom’s treatment and mine was so obvious . It’s really put me off social media culture. That said I’m not great at flowers and cards but I will call and also reach out with a note and my # as well.

I’m grateful for the few who did step out, and now that covid is winding down here I’m leaning further away from what I call the ‘false world’ of social media.

Big huge hug to you, I hope you find some peace soon. And thank you for bringing this topic up! Hugs again
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My dad died a year ago and we had a graveside funeral. Just family and it was in his home state buried next to mom. Even my closest friends did not send me a sympathy card or call me and they are my generation! I'm 68. I got some "so sorry's" on Facebook and maybe 2 cards. Some people didn’t bother to say anything even when they saw me. I don’t get it, quite frankly.
I am sad too that my niece didn’t teach her sons to write thank you cards and I finally cut out gifts to them as they live out of state and I never knew if they liked anything I sent. Even my niece who was raised by my sister isn’t too great about thank you cards. I guess this is a sign of the times but it’s a sad sign.
For me, I will continue to call and send cards and hopefully it will help the person and set an example.
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So sorry for your loss and the heart ache it brings. Many people today are so wrapped up in themselves they don’t care, or act like it, for anyone that is not in their sight. The old saying, “out of sight, out of mind.” It is so hurtful to the loved ones of the one that passed. So many are this way when a person is in the final stages of life. There is no explanation for it. It is so easy for some to just walk away, rather than have compassion. But if there is even one person that showed they cared, in some way, remember how special that was and try hard not to think about the others. So often I have found when I get sad, it’s because what I thought/expected another to do and didn’t and when it’s been a major illness or death of a loved one, we are very fragile. With no communication from these folks at least you are not hearing any of their problems. Super big hugs from someone that well understands.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
Close friends do still send cards and or flowers tho sometimes they opt to donate to a charity in your mom's name.

I myself prefer visiting and giving flowers to the sick while they are alive as they don't know anything after they're gone.

Other family members might not think about giving flowers to family members thinking the loss is theirs too.

I'm sorry no one is at least calling you to see how you're doing. A lot of people seems like they don't know what to say to someone.

I agree that a close friend or family member should have called or sent you a card.

Praters God will let you find peace with your mom passing and know that even tho you'll always miss her, the pain does lessen but never really goes away but you're stronger than you think and you can do it.
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I have sent friends this poem when they were grieving. I send it now to you along with my sympathy for your loss and wishes for a better tomorrow.

I give you this one thought to keep - I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone - I am with you still - in each new dawn.
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Ruskin59 Jun 2021
Beautiful words. It is important to look for solace but it comes in unexpected ways. Keep alert to possible sources.
you are in my thoughts even though I don’t know you.
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The community at large are not taught the social graces or manners anymore that denotes just plain old human kindness. That said a lot of people are going to get on line and give me grief. But, we have been involved in a small country church for 20 years. My mom was the church piano player. When her dementia became apparent and covid hit we had to quarantine. She had a major hospitalization and the pastor called 1 time. Period. A year and a half later 1 time. Period. Okd friends called 1 time. I even updated them on texts. I have come to realize that out of sight, out of mind and if it doesn't pertain to me and mine people go on with their lives. I've learned over years of taking care of my 85 year old mom that we really are alone in this. We become fast friends with all the doctors and care takers. But even my only sister can't be bothered to sacrifice 10 minutes once a week to be bothered with calling our mom. I'm sorry, I digress. Your pain is real. People really don't care when life gets messy. It's your families loss that they missed the last part of your loved ones life. Trust me , you will have a clear conscience going forward. The others will make excuses and have regrets the rest of their lives. Yes you are right, when it happens to them they will want what they did not give. You do what's right in your heart. Best of luck.
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Petite1 Jun 2021
So well written Cowdiva. Sadly I could have written those exact words. May God Bless you and your Mom.
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I always send a card if the person's family are people I know well. I will also sometimes send a donation to a charity in memory of the deceased. It depends on how close I am to the family. I never send flowers, because I personally think that is a waste of money that is better spent helping someone.
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So sorry for your loss. I think that people don't send flowers as much because they feel it is a waste. More and more they want to do something more meaningful like a donation to a preferred charity of the person who was lost. Perhaps the other family members did not understand how close you were with your stepmother. Or she was not close to some of her own family members. It is hard to know how much is generational behavior and how much is relationship based. At this point you must do what you need to to help yourself deal with your grief. Therapy and support groups are one source. You might also want to get involved with volunteering in some organization that you and your step mother valued. It would be a way to honor her memory and provide you with an opportunity to build new relationships and therefore feel less lonely. Best wishes for your healing heart.
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I feel the response you need is us showing caring and compassion for your loss. Saying what other people 'do' only hurts you more, when what needs addressing are your feelings and hurt.
* We do not know the relationship(s) you have with friends or family.
* We do not know the relationship(s) your mom had with others.
I will say that cards helped me tremendously when my mom died although not everyone sent me a card. People respond in their own ways, not necessarily how we would like them to respond . . . which happens all the time in life when we have expectations or project how another 'should' be / behave. I feel for your pain and feeling alone, not acknowledged for your loss. We here care about you. We feel your loss and send you hugs and understanding for your loss.
Gena / Touch Matters
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So sorry for your loss, please cherish your memories and keep being who you were raised to be and you will be blessed.
My dad transitioned this past February and although he was 100 years old we were not expecting it. We had celebrated his 100 birthday in September 2020 with a drive by parade and the turn out was awesome, when he transitioned in February the response was good but what surprised me was that the people I expected to send a card, call or attend his graveside ceremony did not, I was hurt by that but there were people who I had lost contact with who came through. The relatives disappointed me likewise, my dad was the second last to survive of 12 brothers and sisters, I would have expected more but I’ve learned we cannot depend on others no matter who they are because you will be disappointed. Continue to be you and please don’t be stressed on how uncaring society has become. I pray for you God’s richest blessings and peace!
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Ruskin59 Jun 2021
Wise words
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When my mom passed, I was not sure who she was still in contact with and she was not. She had been in assisted living and I knew her friends there. After she passed, I found her phone book. I bought some pretty stationary and typed up a one page tribute to my mom and sent to everyone in the phone book, etc. I did receive a number of cards back with kind words and remembrances if mom. Some people didn't know of her condition and thanked me for letting them know. Immediate family was of no comfort but her friends were.
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Lots of good responses below...especially Mermal. The burial place usually has a memorial page that people do place their thoughts...please check that, besides Facebook (which I don't like using). Even my husband's children didn't send (or say anything at the repast), except for one son-in-law and one grandson (out of several). I did have alot of people give donations to the charities I wrote in the obituary, but nothing personal to me. After taking care of him at in-home hospice for the last 4 months (which I'm thankful for), no appreciation was spoken (never mind cards or phone calls)! His ex-wife's cousin has kept in contact with me, and has even helped drive me a doctor's visit. She remembers how my husband and I used to drive her and her sister to family gatherings. I gave a lot of stuff to his children and grandchildren, and no thank you at all. I still, occasionally, call his children (mid-50s), to find out how they and the grandchildren are. Just don't bother dwelling on their lack of sensitivity or compassion...They're too self-centered and uncaring. Sorry for the loss of your Mom, may she RIP, and you realize YOU did all you could for her, out of love, and find your own peace.
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Lolaloud..........I know how you feel..............I care.
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Ruskin59 Jun 2021
So do I
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Sadly we are ultimately alone. When my husband died I did have support from friends…but it fades away. This is just the way things are. Try not to be too hurt and carry on your life being open to kindness. We bereaved people are in this together. Just know that you are loved by strangers in the same boat.
Take care
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Invisible Jun 2021
Everyone is ultimately bereaved. It's the great equalizer.
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My father age 95 died December 2020. Due to COVID the funeral attendance was restricted to my sister and I, our husbands, two grandchildren and one greatgrandchild. Dad was a deacon for decades in his small hometown church. He spent hours visiting sick church members and serving on committees....not a card nor a flower was sent to remember him....not even a phone call or text to comfort our 90 year old mom came from the church or the pastor. Of all the 25 or so cousins in our hometown only one sent a card. My dad and mom have attended the funerals of the parents of all these cousins but they didn't bother to contact their only remaining aunt or my sister or me. I am at a loss for words as to why no one seemed to notice when he passed. My dad reached out to others in love and I will strive to honor his memory by doing the same whether it is reciprocated in my time of loss or not.
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Invisible Jun 2021
Hugs to you and your mother. Your father left a wonderful legacy in you.
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I agree that many people today have not been taught things that were once considered "common courtesy". Plus people are generally uncomfortable with death and would rather forget or ignore it, particularly if they have not lost loved ones themselves.

Sometimes, the people most likely to express concern are simply never informed. Older people often read the obituary section of the local paper, but young people almost never do (may not even read a local newspaper).

After the death of my sister-in-law, my niece mentioned looking over her mothers address book. An actual paper "address book" is a rarity in today's world but used to be very common.
I suggested she look at some of the addresses of people who lived a distance away, especially look for people whose names she recognized. They could be old friends who would have no way to know of her mother's passing. My suggestion was to send copies of the obituary and a brief note stating that, since their addresses were found in her address book, they must have been (or were) friends and might be interested to know of her passing. It took only a little extra time but she received several cards of condolence from grateful recipients.

Being elderly myself, I'm often left wondering about old friends or acquaintances...where are they...are they still alive? I'm also of a generation that still sends condolence cards and will send one if I have an address to which to send it.
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