Down in the dumps... What am I supposed to do?
Hi my father finally went to the doctor for his skin ulcer on his leg and the cancer doctor. They think he has leukemia. His home care help is not showing up. His landlord had asked him to move out last May. Now landlord told my dad he will start on basement even with him there. He is remodeling it. My dad wants a place like he has now, but can't afford a house in this market and most don't even have a bathroom that works with his wheelchair. I'm 2 hours away trying to work and care for my family. I've tried to help, but my dad doesn't like my ideas. Like a wheelchair apartment, health care agency, those kind of things. He wants to keep everything and there is no where to put it. He feels overwhelmed and wants a second opinion on cancer. What am I supposed to do? I want to be there for him but I can't quit my job. I've asked him to move closer to me but he won't becuse he will lose benefits. He doesn't like health care agencies. I'm just tired and cry out of frustration. I love my dad.
12 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I would like to transfer my 77 yo mother to another rehabilitation facility, HELP!
- My mother has had dementia for about a year, but recently it became much worse so I moved her to my home. Any opinions on how I can make the transition work?
- Just found out my 72 y/o MIL has cancer in her kidneys, what are her options if any?
- My husband is 57 & the early onset of deafness is a struggle. Need advice.
I did it with my father and there were a few tears when I told him he had to leave his home. I had found him sitting in a dark room, staring at the TV (which was off) and when I asked him what he ate that day - "nothing. I couldn't decide so I didn't bother" was his reply. I said, Pop, it's time. I told him to give me 3 months to get his health back and he could return to his home. Less than 24 hours in his new home, he never wanted to go back.
I think they become afraid of change. My dad lived another 5 years and was so happy in his new home right next door to me. (we put a mobile home in our front yard) It was a lot easier assisting him and I was able to see if a strange car pulled up to his home. No more worries for me or him.
Tell your father, it's time to move. Tell him you'll help him find a suitable place. Then follow through. Tough love is for parents too.
Smithbeth, do you think your dad is competent? It sounds like he has very poor judgment and that he may not be able to manage his own household. Plus, he dislikes healthcare agencies....sounds like his judgment is quite poor. Still, if he's competent, it's up to him to make his choices and if he wants to live in a way that is harmful, it's his decision. Sometimes seniors have magical thinking. They believe that all kinds of things are possible, when they are ridiculous, impractical and against their best interest.
I might consult with an attorney in his jurisdiction, so you know what your options are. They can explain what the courts would look for if the time comes where he's just not able to make proper decisions. And, then try to let him figure things out for himself, with the help of his case worker, if he's competent. Managing someone who is resistant can be a nightmare. Have you thought about letting a caseworker with social services do it? I'd explore that option. If the case worker is monitoring him, she should step in, if he needs help. Maybe, this could take the stress off of you.
Stressing and worrying about this is likely to only harm you. I'd try to focus on what you can do and find peace with that. Eventually, someone will be making the choices for him, as if when he becomes too ill, incapacitated, etc. I'd inquire from the attorney as to what the options are then.
So now we've got that clear...
Your father sounds like a nightmare tenant, a nightmare social services client, and a nightmare Dad. He wants to please himself and has not the slightest thought for the impact his choices have on others.
He wants a property he can afford, where he can store his useless junk indefinitely, smoke where he likes, come and go as he pleases, and take help from you with both hands while conceding nothing to anyone.
Tough! He's had all his life to manoeuvre himself into that position, and if he hasn't succeeded well that is just too dam' bad.
You can love someone and still profoundly disapprove of their behaviour, you know. Hasn't the time come to stop enabling it? Wouldn't that be quite a relief for your DH, too?
Your giving up your job don't come into it. It isn't even a question. That's good.
So... that leaves you with what leisure time? Can you get a whole weekend free? Let DH take charge?
The thing is, what I guess from your post is, that you are getting all your information from your father. And while that's going on, you don't have a chance of sifting any practical solutions from the sea of troubles he tells you about.
If you can get over there and have a slow, patient conversation with him over several hours, you can get hold of things like: authorisation to speak to his medics yourself; his landlord's contact details; his key contacts at the benefits agency/ies.
I mean, for example: they "think" he has leukaemia? So... what, there are more tests to be done? The results were ambiguous? The results were not remotely ambiguous but the communication with your father was lousy? You need better quality information on this: diagnosis, prognosis, care plan.
Similarly with the home care problems and the rehoming problems. If the landlord has already allowed your father more than nine months, then the landlord is not a heartless monster: talk to him. See what he knows about local housing options. See what you can find out from other key contacts. Speak to the home care provider yourself and find out whether they're not turning up, or they're not getting in, for example.
Nobody wants to see your father bag and baggage on the street. But change is happening. He doesn't, either, have the option of sitting there like a rock in a pond and not moving. The trouble is, he's too old, ill and probably depressed to handle what needs to be done.
DO NOT jeopardise your job. But on the other hand, if you can, I would take a whole day off for making phone calls. If you can allot specific time to Dad-related tasks you might find they're less apt to take over your head 24/7.
First of all, DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.
Second, take care of YOUR family first, including yourself.
Third, realize and accept that your dad makes his own decisions regardless whether you like them or not, AND let HIM be the recipient of the consequences of his own decisions.
In time, if he doesn't like the consequences too much, he'll be more receptive to your recommendations, like moving to a handicap accessible apartment and accept agency help.
As for his stuff that he can't let go, perhaps he will agree to store them in a storage facility. After a while he won't even miss them, then you can give or throw those away without him knowing.
Maybe a second opinion regarding his cancer would help him come to terms with it, and accept that he needs more care than he has now?
For starters, just one small piece of the picture, is there any reason he can't get a second opinion? For something as serious as leukemia a second opinion seems reasonable.