Downsizing: What worked best for you?

Be realistic about what she will need and use, think about what you'd find in a luxury hotel room. Don't bring books, collectibles, records, CDs, valuable or fragile items, etc. Most residences have a library and provide activities and entertainment. If she won't be making her own meals, she won't need a lot of kitchen utensils, glasses, cups, dishes and flatware, etc., only bring a few of the basics if there is a kitchen. If her facility provides all meals, it may be OK just to have disposable plates and cups in her apartment. Most residences provide cleaning services. Only bring cleaning supplies for touch ups, not for heavy cleaning. For clothing, bring practical clothing that is comfortable and easy to get on and off and easy to clean and not requiring ironing (clothes should be able to take hot wash and hot dryer if her faciity will be doing her laundry). Only take comfortable shoes and slippers that she wears, best if they have support and are slip ons, rather than slides, which can be trip hazards. Only have a minimum of dressy clothing and clothing that need dry cleaning. She'll need several pairs of pajamas and a couple of robes. If she is currently using them, take a TV, telephone, computer (& desk). If she has hobbies (knitting, drawing, etc.) take a small amount of the supplies needed for the hobby. I also got my mother a simple retro radio with knobs because she liked to listed to music. If the apartment is unfurnished, she'll need a bed, a night table, lamps, a small table for eating and a couple of chairs, a dresser, a couch (if there's enough room). Put the bulk of her memorabilia (photos & letters) into boxes and put them in your house until you are able to go through them. Your mother probably won't look at them, once she has moved. She might want a few photos and albums in her apartment, and some of her old correspondences, but keep it to a minimum. She'll need bed & bath linens, a bath mat, shower curtain if not provided, take her medications, cosmetics and personal supplies that she actually uses. Throw away all expired medications and cosmetics. Most places don't recommend scatter rugs for senior citizens. If she has pictures for the walls that she likes, that can be taken. Most facilities advise not to have valuable items, expensive jewelry or large amounts of cash in her apartment. Have a place to lock up anything that is of value. Is she still able to use credit cards and write checks? If so, have a place to lock them up with her purse and all financial papers. Try to take responsibility for her finances at this point (paying bills, monitoring her accounts, etc). If you can do this, have all statements and bills sent to your house or set up paperless accounts. Make sure her POA paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical (health care proxy) and financial matters, have a will and a living will with her advance medical directives. Her senior residence may require a copy of the living will to be placed in a visible place in her apartment, in case the EMS has to be called - so they know her instructions. She may need an attorney for these legal papers. If you are her POA, you also need to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to you. Most medical and financial accounts require her to indicate a trusted person who can act on her behalf. My mother made things easy for me by creating joint accounts with me when my father passed away. Remember that all moves are stressful for seniors, especially if they have dementia. It's a big change and a lot to learn until they are accustomed to the new place.

We all love our parents and don’t want to upset them, especially if they have dementia. However, there comes a time when we have to move forward even if they don’t agree. Sit with her and open and go through a box at a time. Tell her she has to make a decision for Keep, Give Away, Throw Away. At the beginning tell her she must decide quickly fo each item. If she can’t decide let her know it will go in the Give Away box. When finished all you need to worry about is letting her move all of her Keep items. The remainder you can do anything with. Or, quickly go through the boxes yourself and you will probably know what she will keep and get rid of the rest without showing her. I am guessing she doesn’t remember everything she has. Sometimes we have to be tough. It’s unpleasant when going through it but very shortly she won’t remember. Just focus on the things she loves and move on. I know it sounds too harsh but otherwise you will spend weeks trying to please her.

Please consider small, local non profits for donation.
James Gibbons, the CEO of Goodwill, makes an average salary of around $500000 per year ( 2022), yet pays workers far less than minimum wage . He gets away with it claiming disabilities make them unemployable d/t disabilities.

Just a suggestion. I have scads of Christmas decorations and keep them packed in boxes in the garage during the year. I found that I had no idea what was inside of the box the next year when I wanted to use them, even if I wrote on the outside what the contents were. Enter cell phones. I now take a picture of the items before they are packed, print it out on regular paper then tape it to the outside of the box. Some boxes have more than one picture and some have pictures taped to more than one side or the top. It takes a little more time, but there is no more guessing what's inside.

FYI for those who asked: the place we found for my mother is in Austin, TX.

Latest update: Wow -- 46 responses! I'm so grateful to have so much experience and so many ideas to draw upon, here. Thank you all.

The approach we decided to take is sort of in 3 steps: 1) Furniture (only), 2) items required for daily living, i.e. toiletries, a small number of dishes, the clothes she wears most often, etc., and 3) true treasures and important papers.

Yesterday, we moved furniture (only) to the new apartment. Over the next few days we will move the items required for daily living. She will spend her first night in the new place on the 1st.

Mom has been so wonderful about this, and yesterday truly was a good day for all of us. My husband and I were able to simply move the furniture that was to go to the apartment to the front room of the house. My husband put a yellow stickie with the apartment room each piece needed to go to on every piece of furniture to be moved. This prevented any situations where the movers needed to ask Mom (or any of us) if something else was supposed to go. It also greatly reduced the cost of the move, since it saved so much time!

Mom has also agreed to allow my husband to focus on all the things that will go to an estate / garage sale vs. those that will either be donated or (mostly) taken to the dump.

Step 3 has the greatest potential to cause distress, but we hope to focus on that after Mom moves to her new place.

Finally, I wanted to add something: even though Mom's decision making ability and short term memory are compromised she does have a lot of personal insight into her problem. As I, also, have gained more empathy and have been working hard to remember to listen and to step back and take a break if I start to get frustrated, our communication and mutual trust has grown. Yesterday, she told me that having the furniture moved and knowing that progress is finally being made on the horde these issues have grown up around is a huge relief to her.

It has taken me all these years to finally realize just how disturbing, sad and incredibly frustrating it has been for my Mom to find herself unable to make simple choices or to maintain focus in her life. My anxiety and frustration, combined with my father's verbal abuse and decline, really left her backed in to an isolated corner with no advocate who had any real willingness to understand what has been happening to her.

We have so much hope for my Mom's happiness going forward. I think we all know the dementia will continue to get worse (the stress of moving may speed that up, despite the relief it feels to her) -- but there can be happiness and ease despite that if we can make enough physical and emotional space for it. We're on our way. I'll let you know how it goes.

Swedish Death Cleaning. Audio book. I've followed it and it works well.

My suggestion is for you to make the decision as to what stays and what goes. The memory will continue up to decline. Have someone to take mom out for a few hours and start packing. This can be done over a period of time to allow her to get use to seeing less and less STUFF. This is something I did alone, but over a 1 year period. If she is forgetting what’s in the boxes she packed within hours, this should be a breeze for you.

Oh do you have your work cut out for you!

Yes you will have a tough time. When a person is memory impaired, it is extremely hard to make a decision. Then add to it all the people who have a vested interest in the stuff that is left behind....oh boy!

My brother-in-law went the way you are going. He allowed his Mom and Dad to pick out the things they wanted to take. It was very, very painful and slow and at the end, there was still too much for the new place.

When it came to my mother, we did the reverse. I observed everything that she used over a month. We asked about the memories behind the pictures on the wall and some of the major things in the room. We told her that she was moving within a week of the move. For my Mom, if we had told her any earlier, she would have worried and worried and verbalized and not slept prior to the move. That would have left me with a bad attitude, which isn't a good thing when someone is going through a change like this.

When it came to the day of the move, anything my Mom used and most everything that had a memory, we took to her new place. She was not at the old house watching things go into the truck....she was at the new place, directing where the "selected" furniture should go. My BIL was there with her to get the pictures hung up and to do any minor moving. Then we visited every day for a week, to find out if we missed anything else and moved those things also. In addition, if she thought of something she needed, we would bring it over.

It so happened that my sister and family had to leave with the intent of coming back later. I refused to let my Mom go back to her old place during this time.

By the time my sister and her family came back, my Mom had settled into her new place. My sister and her family went through and "packaged" up what they wanted and what I wanted. I had to find a place in my condo for some pictures as they meant something to my Mom. My sister brought my Mom back to her old place for this. As it turned out, because my Mom had what she needed at the new place and it looked complete, she was more than happy not to want anything more.

For the rest of the stuff, some got donated, some got stored, and a lot went into the trash. A few more items went to her new place (yes, she protested!) Luckily, my cousin came to visit and helped me stay on task for this second "wave".

Two weeks later, my Mom's housecleaner did a deep clean and went through all the cabinets and drawers to ensure they were empty and clean. Then the painters came, and we put up the condo for rent.

From the second time my sister came to when the housekeeper arrived, it was one month.

I am so thankful that my cousin was there as she kept me on task and moving toward to the end. It was very stressful for me. But it got done.

...and my BIL's parents? They still have stuff in storage because the parents and the siblings can't decide what they wanted to do with it....4 years later. Dad has passed on, however, Mom is having trouble letting go of his things. It's tough.

groovygal: What worked best for me was having a super organized DH (Dear Husband) who cleaned out my mother's out of state house that I had been living in with her to provide care. We used a variety of tactics which included giving possessions to the town's senior center, locating a furniture resale shop, giving items to family, friends and florist, giving food stuffs to a friend, marketing and selling her house.

Best thing to do is be with her as she fills a box with donate or keep. Seal the donate box at end of the day and get it out of the house and to a car to haul away. Then there's no confusion about what's in it. It is stressful to go through your life and toss things. And you really need to be there to ensure donate and keep stuff don't get mixed up in the process. Label all keep boxes to make unpacking easier.

With it being your house, there probably aren't emotional ties as a family home. Once she sees the pretty place you've found, she may be biting at the bit to get there.

I would caution that if there is an mental decline now, moving her again out of this new place may create even faster decline if she has to move out again in a short time. If you can keep looking and maybe find something even more affordable and a longer time to stay in one place, you might do that.

At almost 80, I am doing this for myself and my sons… down sizing dramatically!!! It is one of the hardest things I have ever done … very challenging. I have donated books, clothing, household items & clothing to several different local charities and gotten donations receipts. I took much of my silver to a dealer to be melted down… many of the “valuable things” hI have hauled from home to home, hardly using them. I find they have very little real value in spite of being Tiffany, Baccarat, Royal Doulton etc. it has taken me months … working slowly every day. I did this for my parents as well. Perhaps you can make decisions for your mother. I will go to “independent living“ in about a month to try it out with a very few things in storage at first in case I don’t like it and move to a larger regular apartment. Good luck!!

We didn’t sell my moms home until she passed. There was 60 years of stuff there. She NEVER threw out anything. The house was full and my dad was a mechanic so the garage was FULL too.

These are my suggestions:

1) Have mom choose some things to take with her. More than likely she won’t be returning.
2) Call family members and have them choose important items (this could come after any things are dispersed to loved one per moms directions.
3) Have a yard or estate sale.
4) send the rest to donation center or just put in dumpster.

I heard a very good news story about Goodwill Industries. They advised that if you wouldn’t want to buy the stuff you are donating, neither would anyone else. They stated they spend millions of dollars disposing of stuff that is really just trash. So they said please do not donate trash.

It took us months to clean out my moms home and I actually did not keep much. I had to ask myself if my son would want any of these things and the answer was no.

We still had not cleaned out moms house entirely when we listed it but decided to go ahead because the market was hot in her town and not many homes were available. We sold in one week for 50k over list. In addition to the great sale (moms house was not in great condition) the buyers said they would take the house as is and dispose of anything we could not get rid of. I know that is unlikely in most situations but we were grateful.

We were exhausted. By this point we had filled up MANY dumpsters. I would come into town on weekends then come back again when the dumpster was empty. I hauled home SEVERAL bankers boxes of paperwork to go through to be sure I captured all important paperwork. What was not important I took to a shredding service.

Although we had a yard sale it did not seem like it was much worth the effort because we didn’t make much from the yard sale but a yard sale felt a little less guilt than just getting rid of stuff but most ended up in dumpster anyhow wether we dumped it then or after I hauled it home and dumped it anyhow.

It was very stressful and guilt ridden to accomplish this clean up.

Good Luck to you.

My friend did this: (his mom moved into a one room, one bed no kitchen) In her current house filled the living room with what she liked comfortably, chairs, sofa, table, pictures, vases, treasures and things she couldn't live without, bedroom the same: bed, side table, pictures, dresser, etc. Everything else was either sold, given to family or donated.

I am doing this right now. Our situation is a bit different; my sister is my mom's caretaker, and is moving to assisted living with my moderate-dementia mom (2 bedroom, 2 bath.) My sister is a former nursing home aide, and she plans to transition to a Medicaid bed there herself after mom passes away.

We have an unusual situation that has developed, that's working to our advantage. The plan has been to move next weekend, but my mom fell last week and broke two ribs. She is now in a rehab facility, expected to stay there for about two weeks.

We are continuing with the original plan. We will move all the important pieces from the house next weekend, and get everything really set and moved in. My plan is to essentially move the living room intact, complete with all her "treasures", and the bedroom too. We are lucky that mom's house of 57 years is small, and the room sizes are comparable to the assisted living place. My sister will have about a week to get acclimated herself, so when mom arrives, things should already be rolling along pretty well. Mom is very, very attached to her things, so we are keeping the house for a month or more to move all the things she remembers she wants, but hope to not have her visit the home again.

Our hope is that is she has the most familiar things around her, the things she has seen and touched every day, she will not be too upset about things in boxes she hasn't seen in years. But--we will keep a small storage unit for things that might be wanted later. She has spinal stenosis and most of life for the last couple of years has been the living room, bedroom and kitchen--so trying to "replicate" these spaces, and hope it feels familiar and safe. She is social, so also hoping being around people and doing activities will keep her busy enough to not obsess about possessions left behind.

Then--and estate sale, the kind where they come and sell EVERYTHING off, leaving your home "broom clean" and ready to prep to sell.

I will post how this goes! We feel that while mom might resent going directly to the AL, it will be better than what would have happened if she had participated in the move. Really, the broken ribs are a blessing in disguise. She will likely still be in too much pain for a couple of weeks to do much more than lounge in bed, so we are hopeful that by the time she is able to get up and about a bit she will be settled in the new place.

Lots of good suggestions here! I have read with interest. Such a HARD thing to do, finding and planning and doing the AL.

The cost of your assisted living is incredible!! I wish we had a lower-cost alternative. We are paying twice that.

I don't know how big your family is, but you may be interested in something my sister did after my mother died. She scheduled a Saturday for the family to gather (it was summer so we set up some 10X10 shades and chairs out on the lawn). Four of us had put most of Mom's collections of "stuff" on folding tables in her living room and carport, exposing as much stuff as possible, emptying closets and cupboards. People were invited to come as early as 9 am to take quick tours to see the stuff. At 10am my sister dealt out cards to everyone, just 2 suits as there were just over 20 of us. She then drew a card from one of the other suits to determine who would go inside. For each card drawn, 2 people would go inside and pick a thing or a set. She kept going through the cards until nobody wanted anything any more.

I was surprised at what different things the grandkids and great grandkids chose. One chose a set of battered measuring cups and old cookie cutters because he remembered learning to love baking with his grandma using those old things (he is a chef now). Another chose a particularly ugly music box because it was the one Mom had let him play with. More than half the stuff was taken home that day. Goodwill was invited to pick up the rest. Lots of the stuff that was taken was stuff I would have thrown out. In your case, set aside the things your Mom will want to live with, then let the family clear out as much as they can of the rest. It may make her feel good to know that her "treasures" will be loved by another generation.

I would keep the storage unit very small. We rented a couple of storage units when renting out one house while getting ready to move to another state. Spent a lot of money on storage only to find that once we had got used to doing without a lot of the stuff we were not as pleased to get it back as we had thought. We now wish we had just sold 90% of the stuff with the old house and bought new stuff in the new state. Would have been about the same, money-wise. Old stuff often doesn't suit a new residence as well as something chosen for the new space.

This is just one of my random thoughts on belongings and the fact that we can't take it with us. I don't have the courage to invite strangers in my home to sell my belongings. I have been slowly getting rid of things through making donations, but I don't know quite what to do with the collectibles. I think I will contact the "Everything but the House" television show and see if they can recommend an auctioneer near me.............their boundaries are quite small, so I won't be able to hire them. I may have to rent a storage space for a limited time until I find the right company because my physical disability is limiting my ability to use the stairs. I have considered putting in an elevator, but that doesn't fix the problem when one of us passes and is left alone. I believe an auctioneer is the right solution.

Went through this ourself, suddenly last year. Moved from 2400 house with large garbage/store to 1300 sq ft apartment, 2 br, 2 bath. We did it in a few days. Done over,Don't (boy, your sr living sounds fabulous, and a fabulous deal, where is it?) I would have taken a month at minimum to move in Would take necessities first, and other things over time as room and need presented themself. Still, got rid of stuff I should have kept, and vice-versa. I would do the three pile theory. Absolutely keep, think it over for a bit, and get rid of the dumb stuff now. It will be painful. no matter what. Pop your Mom into the apartment and bring things over she really misses or needs over time. Don't argue with her requests or demands. Say you will take care of it over time. Notice what she still misses. Good luck.

This is your answer: "in our experience her decision-making skills have declined terribly. This is complicated by severe short term memory issues. She can fill a box with items she has decided to discard and forget what is in the box within a matter of hours or days. The entire garage is stacked floor to ceiling with that type of stuff."

* She cannot make [these kinds of] decisions.
* You will be spinning your wheels if you 'ask' her these questions. She cannot answer them, both emotionally/psychologically and cognitively.
* You need to empty most on your own and then give her two choices between xxx and xxx.
- Ask her:
Do you want to keep xxx or xxx? This makes it easy.
If she can not do that, tell her she can think about it,
then you make a decision.

* It is not disrespectful to take more control in this situation. It is a way of honoring her - for her new place/home.

- You will know what to keep, what has sentimental value (photos, a favorite blanket, coat). Trust yourself in these decisions.

Yes (or no) - you certainly do not want to incur extra unnecessary expense to store these things . . . to only need to deal with them at a later date. She will not remember what is in storage, gone, etc.

* If you feel better about it, tell her that she can decide later and that for now xxx will go into storage. She will forget about it. Then you can discard it. It may feel sneaky, although look at the larger picture. You want her comfortable in her new home and this is your (loving) objective.

You are a lovely, considerate daughter. You WILL know what to keep and how much. I have every confidence in you.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Your post suggests you are setting the schedule and expectations and, while it’s mom life, you’re running the show. That’s great if you and your mom are truly on the same page. But you also say you’re initiating the move for your personal financial security instead of being what mom wants. And you want to
get rid of her possessions because they stress her out (or does it stress you out? because I’ve never heard of an elder willing to abandon familiar possessions that tell their story). And you want to do it all in no more than 6 weeks.

Yikes!

Does mom really want to move? Is it really less expensive to pay you rent than pay IL or AL? Or is something else going on?

I suggest for the furniture, you get the measurements of the apartment and key pieces of furniture to figure out what would fit best and possible arrangements.

Story 1: My mom went from a house to a room in an ALF. She was in pretty good physical and mental health but no independent living rooms in the small town were available after my dad passed. Fortunately, she had some fairly small scale furniture pieces that worked and we were able to fit a few of her favorite pieces. Sounds like you have more space to work with than we did with my mom. She was pretty involved in the selection of both furniture and the clothing and items to personalize the place but we also made some decisions for her. My brother who lived closest did store some out of season clothing and multiple boxes of photo books. Photo books by the way are invaluable especially as dementia progresses. My mom's house was not sold immediately but we seemed to get it right as she didn't go back and retrieve things.

Store 2: More recently, we moved my MIL (who has moderate dementia) from an independent living apartment that she shared with her now deceased husband to a small assisted living apartment. We had about six weeks to plan for the move. My "vision" was to go through things slowly allowing her to select what things and stuff and clothing she would take, pack what we could, make trips with donations and box up photos and anything we would store at our house and take a load with every visit. After two two hour sessions with her, we decided it wouldn't work. We'd never get done and only stress her and us out. So two days before the move, we just went in and made most of the decisions. We marked things for the new apartment and things for our garage. My hubbie worked with her a little on letting her help pack. She was moving from a second floor to a second floor and we are beyond the U-Haul stage so we hired movers. We had the furniture and boxes separated out for the apartment and some for our garage. The movers stopped at our garage to drop things off on the way to the ALF. Many of the things she packed up "for taking to the apartment" that required more sorting had been marked for the garage. She did not miss the things that never ended up at her apartment. A few things sorted out at our house were later taken to her apartment. We are storing her out of season clothes and photos but the rest of the furniture and stuff has been donated, or given to siblings. She hasn't asked for any of it.

Be prepared. If she is like my mom and MIL, she is going to try to give you everything from stuff you would like to pure junk. In my MIL's case, it was "mail it to your brother and sister" (out of state) because "you will throw everything away". Fortunately, the siblings showed up before all the boxes were mailed to sort through them to determine what they wanted.

Kudos for being thoughtful to what her needs are and your own. 
My mom’s cognition was declining, and I talked about the need for her to downsize months prior to her move. She had given a lot to charity the previous year, and there was more to do.  She always liked to organize and prioritize so that’s the approach I took to motivate her. I had 3 categories she used for decision making when we went room to room: 1) take now, 2) storage for later, 3) charity, 4) throw out. Granted we had the luxury of time, but it still was too fast for her. Plus, it was emotionally and mentally overwhelming for her. Me too, but we got through.  Her "take now" items were still too much for the new place so we had to do a process of elimination over a few days - at her pace. Knowing some of the items she couldn't have with her in the apt. would be in storage made the process less "scary" for her. This was respectful for her and her memories, and she was "in control" of those decisions. Although, I did have to take some liberties when moving day came, it worked out. Having a storage unit helped with the transition. She only went there one time to look at things and pick up a box of keepsakes she wanted to reorganize. It was hard for her, understandably. Although we took the box to her apartment, she did not have the capacity to reorganize it. It is a blessing that she got to have the box though. It made her happy.
She died months after and the storage unit has not been touched. I now have another storage unit with the apt. items that I could not let go of. Ironic!
My grieving process has me holding on to what I know I don't need, and I will let go soon enough. Looking back I think it would be easier to let go if less from her house had been put in storage. Hope the suggestion of categorizing/prioritizing, and reflection with hindsight helps you.
Keep up the good work of being there for her - and yourselves.

Nothing. I moved to a smaller house several years ago. Tossed a lot but still have too much. One thing I learned was I had the perception stuff was worth more than it was. Even papers (bills statements etc) this summer I plan on another purge. The biggest problem, junk is not free it costs to dispose of it. Most donation places do not want junk either. They want everything gift wrapped.

Dear Groovygal, Here is my 2 cents. I agree with others that one move is better than several. Find a nice place that can offer a continuum of care. If she is forgetful already I suspect assisted living would be the way to go.

I have done this twice, for mother-in-law, and also for my mother. Her is what we did. Start with the basic furniture needs and measure to make sure it will fit the space in the apartment. Select not what to get rid of, rather the focus is on what to take with you, Mom. That basically means furnish one bedroom and a small seating area--large family gatherings can be done in one of the facillity's gathering rooms. Dining room is not needed other than small table for snacks, morning coffee or to play cards with friends. She may want a display cabinet for "pretty dishes " and to store photo albumns and books if she still reads. Add the TV and a couple side tables with lamps. You have the basics. You just need to take towel sets and bathroom equipment.

All meals are furnished so no kitchen pans are needed other than a few items for snacking and heating up leftovers. I made sure there was a half dozen set of microwavable dishes. Don't forget flatware, glasses, cups, dish drainer, towels and wash cloths.

Clothing selection? Sort out items that no longer fit or are shabby and get rid of them. (Your mother will no longer be deep cleaning or gardening.) For my clothes hoarding mother, I looked to move only the clothes I knew she wore. If it had tags on it, donate it. It might be time for her to gift her jewelry to those she wants to inherit the items. Otherwise move her accesories that she will use.

You decide on decor to fit the space. She will want lots of family pictures. And do not forget the holiday items that will fit in the space. Many assisted living homes have storage areas for the Christmas tree and ornament boxes--be sure to ask.

That gives you a frame work. My family found that the furniture selection was best done with limited choices and with the assistance of the family member who could best emotionally detach.

Good Luck

Went through this ourself, suddenly last year. Moved from 2400 house with large garbage/store to 1300 sq ft apartment, 2 br, 2 bath. We did it in a few days. Done over (boy, your sr living sounds fabulous, and a fabulous deal, where is it?) I would have taken a month at minimum to move in Would take necessities first, and other things over time as room and need presented themself. Still, got rid of stuff I should have kept, and vice-versa. I would do the three pile theory. Absolutely keep, think it over for a bit, and get rid of the dumb stuff now. It will be painful. no matter what. Pop your Mom into the apartment and bring things over she really misses or needs over time. Good luck.

I have to agree with the last paragraph of MeDolly's response. Multiple moves is challenging for the elderly, particularly those with memory issues. I know you're doing the best you can here, just look at all the options?

Cleaning out my mother's house WITH her proved to be impossible. She's gone now, I'm living in her house and still trying to clean it out. (Right, not going to leave stuff for my kids!) Help her choose what she wants with her and leave the rest until she has moved. If she wants to give you something, say "thank you" and take it. Then do with it what you want. My sisters and I wish we had done more of that. She carefully (or not) saved what she wanted to pass on and was sure we would be grateful to have. I'm afraid we trampled on her heart by saying we didn't want it.

When we moved our step-father & wife into AL, we made the decisions and did all the packing, if we had not, we would still be there waiting for them.

Same with my mother, she made some furniture choices we did the rest. Moved her first then cleaned out the house and put it up for sale.

Each time we completed the job in a week, put the houses up for sale, have done this several times, my brother & I operate like machines.

I must admit I do not understand the moving her into a large apartment, to do this all over again, why not just move her into AL and be done with it? Find a place that has a step up program if she should need MC in the future. What does she need 2 bedrooms for? Visitors can stay in a motel.

There are some very caring companies that actually help sort through items and encourage the person along the way . Look for companies in your area that specialize in this. They also can help with movers . Worth the money for sure.

If someone said to me today, you need to go through all of your things and decide what can fit into a small apartment....I would be overwhelmed. I can't imagine giving the task to someone with dementia. You know what will fit into her new space and what she really truly needs. If she can't remember what she put into a box five minutes ago, she isn't going to remember what she left behind a month ago. Move the things she will need, keep some of the heirlooms or things that mean something to you and get rid of the rest. Her next move will be smaller than this one and you will have to pick and choose again what to get rid of.

If you are worried she will call you out on getting rid of something, move those things into the garage of the home, if there is one, and work on the cleaning, floors and painting to get the house ready to sell. If she doesn't ask about it for a month, then you can donate or sell the items.

This is probably going to be more of an emotional move for you than her.
When you are outfitting her apartment, think minimalist, think functionality, think safety. Nothing she can fall and konk her head on or trip over. Less is more.

Don't be surprised once you move her if you notice that she needs even more care...

Good Luck.

You’re moving her to a larger apartment just to have to do this again to a smaller one later? As you’ll soon know first hand, moving her once is the preferred choice. My mom wanted a two bedroom. Nope. She couldn’t afford a two bedroom and it wouldn’t change anything - it would just prolong the suffering for all involved!

with memory issues already apparent, sounds like you’ll be moving her from IL to assisted living and then to memory care. Why?!

my sister did the approach of letting mom look at each item and decide. Torture for my mother and all of us that had to hear her dramatics around it.

storage is a bad idea. My mother is paying for a climate controlled storage closet my sister filled with nonsense that will never be needed again. Eventually one of us will have to go and get rid of the junk out of it.

this isn’t the time for a memory impaired person to make decisions that will impact you.

out of sight is real. She won’t remember what all she had and even if she did - so what? Rip the bandaid. Don’t prolong suffering for you both.

You are not helping your mother with these steps .. the temporary larger apartment will make her angry when she has to move to a smaller one. The small temporary storage you know she doesn’t need .. she gets to be angry once when you rip the bandaid … or many times as she continues to have to step down .. ultimately, the question is, why are you doing this to yourself? She won’t remember. You will.