My mother is getting real forgetful. She doesn't want to listen to me and it is hard for me to help her. What can I do to help her?

LOL! I have been waiting for the weather to get a little warmer so we could go look for a jigsaw puzzle. Mom has been talking about them for days, how she did them when she was little, set up on a table and the whole family would work on a little at a time when they had the chance. Never thought I would see the day when that would seem like a big deal to me. Thanks for the reminder. Hopefully it will be something to keep her mind active. So you're from VA too? At least we have not gotten the colder weather that the rest of the country seems to be getting.

i ordered some new ones from unclesgames its the americana kind she likes so much..$6 a piece.. i wasnt about to go searching for hours for cheaper..i happened to see in one of those junk magazines, right before christmas, 10 for $10 something like that..cant find the mag now... we've always been big on them around here.. and it keeps my mom distracted for hours.. thats a big deal when she has such a huge obsession with tv..she panics if she doesnt know whats on from one minute to the next..shes also started a new thing with the weather.. shes starting to get frantic if she doesnt know what the weather is.. "i need to know.. someone needs to tell me" i calmly look outside and answer "its sunny and cold". i dont know where it comes from. she does this about 5 times a day now.

Mom's obsession is cooking.....probably because she is not able to do it herself anymore. SHe wakes up and wants to know what we are having for dinner. Heck, I can barely think about breakfast and she is planning dinner, which by lunch time she won't want. "We" have to go grocery shopping once a month and it is a six hour trip. First we hit Wal-Mart, Costco, Food Lion and all the other places in between. Then at night she wants to watch the Food Network, "Why don't you ever fix that?" is her response to Paula Deen's latest creation. So, if I can get her distracted from food and on to something that she can do, without too much worry it will be great. I will look on the website you suggested. I find my self doing alot more online purchases, now that I am pretty much homebound.

My father's obsession is reading and that's not good. He only has one good eye. So I'm not too sure how a puzzle would help. He doesn't watch tv or want to listen to the radio. All he does is read, I need help with some ideas on what else can I do with him. I live in Philadelphia and it's freezing out there. Thank god for our warm home. Kelly , Groundhog help.

rori, i wish i could get my mom into reading again. she loved it so much.. puzzles keep the mind sharp. reading isnt bad either. it keeps the imagination going. forces you to keep up with vocabulary also. what else does he like to do? did you contact your local social services? there are adult day cares that will let him explore more activities, hobbies, crafts..

Hi everyone. I'm new and, after reading some of your stories, I feel pretty lucky. My mother-in-law is 96, healthy and only has a few "crazy" moments (she hears loud noises that aren't there or threatens to call the police because her crochet hook is missing...and she always wants to move back to her house which is not possible). I took care of my own mother here at home (stroke) and was lucky enough to have her on hospice. She also had enough money saved so I could have a caregiver with her every day. I had to do the night stuff, though. The pills, spoon feeding and diaper changing...repositioning in the bed and the constant worry were so stressful that I still can't believe I made it through just 8 months of that. I really admire all of you for hanging in there. I managed to escape the house, thanks to my husband, and I tried to get into my hobbies to give myself a break from "reality". When she died I was sad, of course, but was also relieved. It is a burden, there's no doubt about that. Reversing roles with parents is not what we thought we'd be doing in midlife.

TL,
Hopefully you will have some hints on how we can take care of ourselves. No matter how long anyone has been at this, they get tired and stressed. We all need time to regroup, so hope you share with us. Welcome to our wonderful sight, it helps me everyday, if nothing else, I feel gratitude.

sweets59 I know what you are going though. My parents don't live with me, but I do live down the street from them. My step mother refuses to believe that my dad may have dementia. She cries whenever I try to talk to her about anything to do with my dad's mental or physical health. He is over 80 years old with diabetes, heart and breathing problems, but she expects him to behave like he did when they got married 20 years ago. The other day she asked me, "When am I going to have a normal life again?" I wanted to smack her (I didn't). When am I going to have a normal life. I have grown children and a grandson who needs me as well, but I don't have the time for them that I want because of my parents.

Nightmare- some wives just do not get it when I worked a wife said tomher husbands MD -I did not sign on for this- he replied actually you did- and another wife whose husband was very ill kept talking about their next vacation.

I'm brand new to this site too. Just moved in with my parents 4 months ago...both in their 80's. The reluctant support from my siblings is making me angry & bitter. I feel terrible for having this resentment. Dad just had another recent fall with head injury. Now needs 24/7 supervision. I'm worried now about the possibilities of working and I have no means of income other than my savings and retirement at present. Initially was helping them through the day and then planned to work (even part-time) at night after Dad was settled in. Mom has some physicial limitations that just won't let her care for him for extended time periods now with this new development of another concussion (he's fallen 3 times this last year....two resulting in head injuries) I don't know how to make this all work. It's kind of out-of-sight, out-of-mind for my sister and brothers even though I have requested that we get together to find solutions. If I don't vent, I will combust!! Thanks for letting me rant.

I know what you ladies mean when I moved my mother in after my dad died a piece of paper fell out of one of her books and she had written, " I never thought I would be in the position to take care of HIM like a baby" Well my thought was lady what did you think it meant when the preacher said till death do us part?? I've often thought of that remark, I just put it back into the book and never said anything about it but I figure at my age once I get done with my mother it will be my husbands turn than I will be all used up. I won't even get a turn and that pisses me off. So I cram as much into a week as I can so I can live a little bit of me to and soon when the weather gets warmer I will be volunteering for more community events and I am going to laugh, and dance and make a fool of myself because I have a life to and being still a girl "I just want to have fu un!! LOL try to find some humor try to do something just for you for five minutes a day once a day half hour two hours take what ever you can snatch and let it run all over your body and laugh that is the key laugh even when it hurts to laugh. Neon

I wear kookie clothes to I bought a snazzy hat to wear when my sun roof is down in the spring and fall, I put it on to show my friends and my mother said Oh my God you look terrible in that. well she hurt my feelings but I didn't say anything actually she made a fool of herself in front of my friends, a few days later I took her aside and said mom you know you really should think before your speak , she said why I said out of all your kids I look the most like you and you are always telling me how ugly I am so are you ugly to? she had an Aha moment she still thinks she's that beautiful girl in 1942. The ones the boys used to sing I found a million dollar baby at the five and ten cent store to. or so I'm told. I wasn't there. Thank god I probably would have puked. but anyway she's watched her P's and Q's pretty good since then everyonce in awhile she slips up and she is obsessed with what I wear boots you expecting snow, pants are they warm enough wonder what she would say if I wound myself up with saran wrap, oh my lets not go there. LOL neon

SWEET59,NEONWACKY, WHAT YOUR DOING FOR YOUR PARENTS ARE OVERWHELMING, YOU FEEL THEIR IS NO END. I HAD SOMETHING LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS TAKING CARE OF MY PARENTS AND I HAD A FULL TIME JOB, MY FATHER WAS A JOY TO CARE FOR, BUT MY MOTHER WAS LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD, SHE REFUSED TO DO ANYTHING I WOULD TELL HER,(SHE WAS IN BETTER HEALTH) MY FATHER HAD PROSATE CANCER AND WAS GIVEN A YEAR OR LESS TO LIVE, BUT THAT DIDN'T SEEM TO MATTER TO MY MOM, SHE FELT SHE HAD TO BE CARED FOR FIRST. I WOULD TELL THE LADY THAT WOULD COME IN FOR 4 HOURS WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, AND MY MOM WOULD TELL HER DIFFERENT, SHE WOULD NOT EAT UNTIL I CAME HOME FROM WORK, AND IF I WAS A LITTLE LATE IT WAS HELL TO PAY, WHERE WERE YOU, WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG, AND ECT. I HAD NO LIFE OR TIME TO MYSELF, MY ONLY ESCAPE WAS WORK. WHEN MY FATHER PASSED AWAY, SHE BECAME WORSE, I ASK MY BROTHER FOR HELP, BUT HE WAS A COP AND SAID HE WAS TO BUSY, AND SAID LETS PUT HER IN A HOME. WHICH I REFUSED. WHAT I FORGOT TO TELL YOU IS I WAS SINGLE, I HAD BEEN DIVORCE 12 YEARS. ABOUT 6 YEARS AFTER MY FATHER DIED, I MET A VERY NICE MAN AND HAD HIM COME TO THE HOUSE TO MEET MY MOTHER, THAT WAS MY FIRST MISTAKE, SHE TOLD MY FRIEND WHAT A BAD DAUGHTER I WAS, MY MOTHER DID NOT WANT TO SHARE ME WITH ANYONE.WHICH WAS NICE, BUT DEMANDING ON HER PART. WHEN I CHOSE TO GET MARRIED AGAIN, SHE WENT CRAZY, I WOULD BE MOVING TO ANOTHER TOWN, ABOUT 200 MILES AWAY, WE TOLD HER THAT WE WOULD HAVE A ROOM FOR HER AND FIX IT ALL UP, SHE SAID AT FIRST OK, THAN ONE DAY I GET HOME AND SHE HAS ALL HER THINGS PACKED AND SAID MY BROTHER WAS COMING TO PICK HER UP. SO THAT IS WHAT HAPPEN, HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE HER, AND FOR ME TO CLOSE THE ACCOUNT WHERE HER SSI CHECK CAME, SHE TOLD MY BROTHER TERIBBLE THINGS ABOUT ME, BUT I WAS SO TIRED I SAID WHAT EVER. 6 MONTHS LATER I MARRIED AND WE HAD A BEAUITFUL WEDDING, I INVITED MY MOM AND BROTHER AND HIS WIFE. THEY CHOSE NOT TO COME, I MOVED OUT OF TOWN AND KEPT IN TOUCH, ALL MY CARDS TO MY MOM CAME BACK UNOPEN. LESS THAN A YEAR MY BROTHER PUT HER IN A HOME AND SOLD HER HOME AND OTHER ASSESTS. NEEDLESS TO SAY I DIDN'T GET A PENNY, SHE SIGNED EVERYTHING TO HIM. THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY, BUT I WOULD HAVE TO WRITE A BOOK, BUT ITS GOOD TO BE ABLE TO VENT ALSO. SO DO THE BEST YOU CAN, BECAUSE THE GOOD LORD KNOWS WE DONE THE BEST WE COULD, AND I DIDN'T SEE A LINE OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY DOOR WANTING HELP.

Bless you Lindam for saying it so well. I hope everyone on this site can take comfort in the fact that there are good caregivers out there and use your comments to gauge the person they are considering.

Yesterday I posted about my caregiver who left me in the lurch on the first day of training for a new job....with an attitude about how it should'nt matter that much because she had things to do. Thanks to Lindam I realized that although I felt so much betrayal & despair, I should have seen it coming, because I have always known this woman is unreliable & self-centered. Had the caregiver been someone I could rely and trust, I would have given her a key by now and could have left when in a perfect world, the caregiver had called to say she was running a little late.

I made the mistake of believing that if I were kind and undemanding it would work out - big mistake. Basically she was paid to come over - eat, watch TV, and 'be there' to anwer the phone or call if my mom had a problem. I've helped her out financially and bought her things that she said she couldn't afford. Boy did I create a monster. Or rather, I picked someone who took advantage rather than acting as a well regarded helper.

Thanks to Lindam I will now have a yardstick to measure "GREATNESS" in professional caregiving. Caring and connection with the family cannot be bought. Now before you all laugh at me (with me I hope), I'd like to say that I have managed people my whole life and dealt with healthcare professionals as employees - but when it is someone in your home taking care of your parent it is very different.

I mentioned once before that I thought Lindam should teach a class locally for new to caregiving family members because many of her words are golden.

Best to all,

Cat,
I am so sorry your kindness was not appreciated and you were taken advantage of. Some things are a caregivers responsibility to keep the line drawn. When I first started with this family the gentleman offered to give me money to get my license plates. I almost burst into tears. My own father could have cared less. But I refused his offer and told him how much it meant to me for him to offer to help. (I had been out of work for five months and was in a financial pickle)
I have been invited to all or most of their family gatherings, but I do not attend. I always let them know I appreciate their offer, but in all honesty, I am grateful to have that time to myself.
I was given an awesome Xmas bonus, and was given gifts by the daughters. I even called the one daughter and told her I thought there had been a mistake with my bonus. She just laughed and said no, it was right.
I did not give gifts, I feel I give to them all year. They receive the gift of honesty, knowing their family members are being taken care of, and I am the one who has to suggest to them certain things that would make their relationship with their mother go smoother.
So, as I told you Cat I would work for you so you could pursue your new job, have time away without worry.That is why I joined this group to start with. I needed to hear how families related to their paid caregivers.
It is impossible to not blur the boundaries sometimes, as my situation last week. That was addressed and everything is once again fine.
I even got today off because the daughter is trying to be more active in her moms care. They took her to the Dr. today.
And Cat, her or her daughter never knew anything was not ok with me last week. I am with her everyday and I know what that was all about on her end. I did deal with my own end without any conversation with them because they were clueless.
When I had the conversation with her about the "respect" issue, I made sure the daughter was setting at the table. Of course she whined and made it look like she had no idea what I was talking about. I looked in her eyes and she knew exactly what was going on. She is still very capable of knowing what she is doing.
Paid caregiver are not robots, and should be flexible enough to sway with the changes. But we are human and I would not let a family member or anyone get away with being rude and hostile. There may come a day when she is this way and have no control over it. I will know and will handle it when it comes up.
As I have said in the past, sometimes more is expected from the paid caregiver because we have to answer to so many. When these same people are not on the same page it can be very trying. I have to be patient with everyone. Well I am human after all, and can only go so far and then it is time to communicate.
So Cat, use some of your professional detachment to choose your next caregiver. I can't imagine working for you without becoming friends, but like you said there is that fine line.
I have checked into starting a class. I have to present a "package" of things I want to accomplish. So I have been working on this as I get time and an extra brain cell. I will let you know of any progress. Cyber-hugs and more cyber-hugs for you. God Bless.

Hey Lindam,

Thanks for your kind words & take on things. I thought I had done a good job of keeping boundaries while being kind and inclusionary. Your posting gave me an idea of how to re-evaluate who I am looking for. I do not believe I was excessive, simply like most people wanting and hoping to keep things balanced rather than admitting that things were far from OK. You know yourself how we can show a professional face to the world, but be honest & let our hair down here. For that I appreciate your responses which I always learn from - this board is for sharing & lessons learned & cyber-hugs!

I never doubted that you would act on your feelings when you posted last week - that is why we do it , to vent. I do however hope that you will find the motivation to consider the face to face training...so here is an offer that I mean.
If you decide to start putting something together for your local senior center or community college, I will continue to nudge and encourage you - and read / make suggestions to the syllabus. I will wager that Carol and others would help too.

You should do it - you rock. Too bad we aren't in the same city, I would like very much to meet you one day & shake your hand & have a coffee!

Cat,
One of these days we will get to have that coffee, just you wait and see. I believe no one crosses paths by accident. You ground me, help me keep things in perspective, and I know you have problems of your own, but are so positive and encouraging.
I will post on your wall when I get my "package" done. Will welcome any feedback, suggestions and changes. This is a small town and there are many elders living here with family taking care of them. So there is a need.
Follow your instincts with your new caregiver. Prayers on this end for someone loving and caring. Honest and patient. You and your Mom deserve to have someone you feel comfortable with. Prayers and cyber-hugs. OH, and I will give you a REAL hug when I get to see you!!!!!

I am always amazed at the love and commaradery that is posted here. take for instance cat and lindam. I to hired a caregiver in Novemenber, I am always in tune to details when i walk into my home I guess this comes from having kids. Anyway I knew on the first day this person was not going to work out. She sat on my pc played games all day, which told me she ignored my mother, borrowed money right from the getgo ate to her little lazy hearts content and was promptly fired. she had the nerve to come the following Sat, after 6 days off to see if I needed her. I told her I needed her like I needed a heart attack not to bother to show up on my step again and to give me my money back. of course, that didn't happen and if I had her address I would knock on her door and demand it. whether I get it or not I am sure the answer is not. I have found out she was pregnant hooked up with a guy told him the baby was his, now sits very comfortably in his home watching tv, smoking pot , pregnant, drawing welfare and food stamps WIC and all the other bells and whistles that go with it. This I did out of the kindness of my heart, my heart isn't so kind anymore, and if one more person walks into my office and says smile I am going to bite their head off. Why do I have to smile 24/7 I save those for times when it is absolutely necessary. Like taking care of my mother when she is driving me crazy but do not want to be unkind to her. She is doing better, she actually made supper last night the first time in 8 months I did mash the potatos and made the gravy but at least that told me she respects the fact that I still have to work and I am tired and do not feel like banging pots and pans around all the time. I make sure when I do cook there is plenty for a heat up and the meals are always well rounded, her meds are always in order and so are her doc appts. and anything else she desires or needs. yes we are human and humans hurt, feel tired, and the whole gamet of not so nice feelings. It takes both to work it out. If and when I need another in home care giver there will be a form to fill out a back ground check and I will think with my head and not my heart, my husband says I try to save the world one person at a time and I get lost in the shuffle. Well have good days they are far and few between and as above cyber hugs to all we all need them. neon

Neon,
As I have said many times before, my heart goes out to anyone needing an in-home caregiver. It is so sad to me that so many bad give even the good a bad name. Even if you use an agency, you are not guaranteed reliable help. The pay is very low for the caregiver thru an agency, hence the agency makes the money. So they hire "warm bodies". That's what I call most caregivers that are lazy, dishonest, and will take advantage of the situation.
But I know from experience the pay is not what it is about. I have worked with some families for a pitance because they needed help and could not afford it. Believe it or not, there really are people out there who do this for the right reason.
I encourage all family members to have a detailed list of what you expect. Some will take not initiative and have to be let know from the beginning what is going on. You can always start on a trial basis, and see what happens.
I met a young girl ( she said she was 19) in the lawyers office of my clients. She had brought in an elderly man to have some papers drawn up. I watched her to see how she handled him and was very impressed. I did not get the feeling she was "putting on" as she was very gentle and patient. I praised her for her compassion, and she said "this is my calling". You either have it or you don't, bottom line.
So I continue to pray for all of you who need help, that you get someone that is there doing the right things for the right reasons. God bless you all.

I guess we always come back around to this issue - why is caregiving so devalued in our society? We have it backwards.
Caregiving is important - empowering families to care should be number one, not a financial and emotional drain. Professional caregivers should be held to standards, paid fairly and respected as much as a pre-k to grammer school teacher or doula for new moms (oh, - our society doesn't value their work with pay increases either - oooops)
I keep seeing alot said about Green Jobs - but the greenest job out there should be taking care of family members or patients. By last years numbers the value of unpaid caregiving topped $370 Million - and if 'value' is dissected that figure is a fraction of what it should be.

I propose we all start discussing our callings as caregivers in terms of Green Jobs - - maybe someone somewhere will listen since there are certainly enough of us. Hey - if caregiving needs a hip or sexy term to get attention - so be it.

Lindam and Cat thank you for your commets and insites it is hard to find a good caregiver we tried friends at first that worked at a nursing home the husband was in and we bought things for one who said she wanted things she could not aford and bought gifts for her son-she was a single Mon and it turned out she did not show up on the days we had agreed on and I was worried about her and called to make sure she was alright and she would say she was sick-after this happened several times we stopped asking her and got someone else-mu husband could be left alone -it was really to give me a break. Then the last day of her working at the nursing home she told my husband she stopped working for us because she felt I was a racist-she is black and we are white. It seems she was upset because one day I went into the nursing home to visit a friend and she and other aides were in the dining room on a break and I saw an aide we had know for years who was white and had had routine surgery and suffered a stroke afterwards and was not expected to recover but she did and was able to return to work-I ran over to give her a hug and to say how woried we were and I did say hello to all the others in the room but this one aide who worked for us was upset- the husband said that was not true I have many black friends. After that I hired from an agency. We have found that misunderstandings can occur but we are able to work them out. The need for caregivers is going to increase because like us there are a lot of people who really want to keep their family members out of nursing homes-esp. if you have used nursing home short time for rehab and those who have seperate rehab floors are usually the nicest parts of a nursing home. We families who do caregiving and those who work as paid caregivers need to stand up and make a loud noise-I started with the people running for elected office this past fall and they did listen esp. one women who was a caregiver for her Mom. Linden-bless you you have a hard job taking care of those who don't want you there and their families who usually feel bad about needing to having to hire you- it is very hard for a caregiver family member to admit they just can not do it alone anymore,

I have feelings of burn out. Long story, we took care of my Dad for 6 years, he lived with us for 2 years then in the nursing home w/Alzheimers for 4 years until he died in 2001. My Mom has lived with us for a total of 14 years now. She is now 93, in good health, legally blind, she goes nowhere without me. I am 63 my husband is 64 and we need more than one or two days without Mom. We all get along, we just need time for us, she says she is fine, but after 2 days she is more than ready for us to be home. I work part time, which helps, and I will only get email when I am at work but I hope being able to say what is going on will help me. When I tell anyone how I feel, they say,'you don't know how lucky you are to have your mom, their mom is gone and.....I want to say, 'I didn't say I wasn't lucky, I just need some time to be with my husband.' She doesn't want anyone to stay with her, if my children check on her by phone is that enough? I can see by what I am writing that I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Thank you for letting me vent, I look forward to the times I can hear from others that know how I feel.

Ginny - do not feel guilty-you should have time to be alone with your husband- I would get the family togetger and tell them you both need to get away for a week and how can they help you out. The people you are talking who are telling you how lucky are have not had your experiences and do not understand a lot of people just give their opiones too readily.