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Your situation touched my heart deeply. My Dad is about to turn 87 and has been in a nursing home for about 1 1/2 years, but he lived with me off and on all of my adult life and for 13 years straight prior to being placed in a nursing home. As you, I had absolutely no social life either. I not only couldn't date (I've been divorced for over 20+ years), but I couldn't even invite friends over because my Dad hated anyone coming over and would say the rudest things, make everyone super uncomfortable and embarrass me to the point I stopped inviting anyone over. He did the same with my daughter's friends when she was younger and he lived with us then too. The last 15 years, my life has completely revolved around him and I take blame for it too because I allowed him to run my life and make me feel guilty for even wanting to do things for myself. I became so depressed, I had some really dark thoughts because I didn't want to go on, I didn't know how long I could continue. I even have a sibling who also made me feel guilty and mocked me for "wanting my freedom" as he did absolutely nothing for our Dad. I love my Dad with all my heart but our parents will make us feel so bad, so guilty. I am now 53 and luckily my friends are still here for me, but I highly doubt I'll find someone to date or share my life with at this point. You are ALLOWED to have a life of your own! You are ALLOWED to be happy! You are ALLOWED to take care of yourself too! In my situation, my Dad never had to care for his parents. He never remarried after he and my mom divorced and expected me to just be alone too - and do everything for him. I wish I would have put my foot down from the very beginning and said "This is what I'm going to do with my life, for myself, it does not diminish my love and care for you. I will never abandon you. If you are not happy with me having friends over or dating, you don't have to live with me." Please stop thinking you are doing something wrong. Please make your life what you want it to be. You could very well end up in my situation, 15 years later regretting not living your life. I wish you peace of mind, and love to fill your life. You are obviously a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy. You cannot care for anyone until you care for yourself first. Life is too short, and the years fly by so quickly. You matter too!
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U need to continue your interaction with other people.
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Hello, Bren,
You are 53 and that is is not old. It is never too late to meet and fall in love with someone special. I am glad you still have your friends. I lost a very dear friend 15 years ago who died of cancer that I have known since my teenage years. She was the only one that visited when I started taking care of my mother and continued until her death. Treasure those special friends of yours. Hope your dad is doing well. Sending a prayer to him.
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Summer; How was the date? Did you have fun? 😁
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You have to hold on to whatever life without him you may have. Hire a caretaker for the night. I call them mommy sitters for my mom. It can be a little expensive but what is your life really worth? We can't let our parents rob us of our sanity. You are doing nothing wrong. They built their lives while taking care of us. Someday they will be gone and we need to have something normal in our lives to return to. You are far too young to loose your life outside of your dad. How far did he go to take care of his parents? Tell him you need some normal companionship and assure him you will take all precautions to ensure the safety of your's and his health. Just don't give in to the guilt for wanting to have a normal life is nothing to feel guilty for.
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If he has a heart attack from it, then you will never be put in this position again. I'm burnt out to the max. Enjoy yourself and do not allow anyone else to control your life in any way.
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Yes. Please go on your date.
No. You should not feel guilty.
What is really going on here? I think likely your dad feels very vulnerable and is trying to hold on to you as his total caregiver with both hands around your throat because he’s scared.
Is he selfish? Unless he has a history of being a bad dad, try reassuring him you love him, will be careful and will be home by x hour. Maybe let him meet the date? If he continues with his unreasonable demands, tell him you don’t want him to go to a nursing home but if he feels that’s what he needs to do to feel safe, you will support this decision. Kiss him good bye, tell him you love him and go on your date. Some lines need to be drawn. The more you give, the more he may expect. Right now his expectations are unreasonable. Don’t let him steal your life. You don’t owe him any of it and certainly not all of it.
Enjoy your date!
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I used to feel guilty when I left the house when my mom first came to live with me. Over time, the guilty feeling has gotten less. My mom loves feeling sorry for herself also and pulled the "I should go into a nursing home" card. Finally one day I printed out a list of local nursing homes and said, "ok, well pick one out and we'll get that set up." I haven't heard her say it once since then.
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I saw this post when it had 19 responses, yesterday, and have no doubt it will reach 100. But yes, 1. go on this date; then, for the next one 2. arrange contingency for medical emergencies such as life-alert, or a live person to cover: 3. arrange some more regular respite for yourself, preferably 2 full days per 2 week period, with a qualified caregiver, Agency or private. 7 days a week will wear you down, only your relative youth is keeping you going; 4. no more 2 hour discussions.

Tired worn out caregivers make mistakes, so your respite is for your father's benefit as well as yours.
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I went on the date, it went well. I may see him again this week, but I realized the guilt is also self-imposed. There have been a few times in the last 10 years where my dad has collapsed and couldn't get back up, due to a blood infection and another time was due to a medication mix up induced stroke. If I wasn't there to hear him fall those nights, he likely wouldn't have made it. So I do worry about that happening again, if I'm not at home when it does.

Since the date, he does seem remorseful because I told him how bad he made me feel about it (after he realized I didn't die on the date) he said sorry and said he isn't trying to keep me at home forever, he just worries about me. I am working on the guilt I feel. Naturally I am introverted and a homebody so I wouldn't go out all the time even if I lived alone.

Trying to put myself out there more has been a challenge for me since I haven't done so in 7 months. Growing up with a paranoid parent, I guess I've taken on some of that paranoia about the world too, that's why I can't seem to relax. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your supporting words and great advice. Money is tight so hiring help isn't really in the cards but I am looking into programs that may be free or state run. I also agree that he needs friends, he's in pain 24/7 so he doesn't seem to want to mingle with anyone outside the home.
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Llamalover47 Sep 2021
SummerRaya: Thank you for your update, stating that you went on the date.🧡
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Great you went on the date and another coming up. How nice. I think your dad was just afraid. Maybe someone can sit with him while you take some time off and go on the second date. I think you did quite well considering it has been 7 months since you dated.
Happy your dad and you cleared the air so to speak. Things should be looking better as you move forward. The very best to you and your dear dad.
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Beatty Sep 2021
The cat can sit with him 😺!
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If you cannot afford to pay for caregivers, or pay the going rate,
* try to find college students who either need a 'little money' and they can read / do their homework perhaps while being there with your dad just in case he needs something; or
* contact college dept in geriatrics, social work, physical therapy - the helping professionals.
* if your place could accommodate someone to live there, get a live-in for partial care in exchange for partial rent.
* Contact churches / community organizations
* Volunteers are good although DO the necessary due diligence and check references, etc. Some people need this experience to get into a field.
* If you have access to social worker with the County, ask them for suggestions.
* I'm REALLY glad you went out on a date.
You 'will enjoy' yourself on a date IF YOU WANT TO. You need to change your thinking. Every time you automatically respond (in your head or out loud), REFRAME the thought/words. i.e., when you say "now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date . . . " immediately change that to "I will enjoy myself on dates and meet new people."
- you are believing your negative inner messaging. It is understandable. We are a product (I said project, well, I'm a project too) of our environment and it is difficult to change 'who we think' we are esp when it is ingrained in us for decades.
- Take a step at a time.
- Being aware of how you are thinking is a major first step.
- Realizing you can change the interactions and relationship with your dad is huge - - - take a date or step at a time.
Gena / Touch Matters
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