93 yr parent sold home and moved in with me. Her home was in another state and I traveled to care for her. Now she says she can’t stand to live with me anymore and has hired a moving company and rented an apartment in her former small town. I have begged her not to do this but she insists. She is severely handicapped, can’t hear anymore and needs help getting into bed each night. She is valuing her old furniture over her family. I’m at a loss as to what I can do going forward.
Do let Mom know that you personally now cannot, given this choice, continue to go back and forth. Tell her that she is on her own and you will see to it that she has the emergency numbers posted in her new home.
DO NOT ASSIST with this move. Let Mom handle EVERYTHING from place to live, to interview, to rental agreements, to moving people. Tell her you wish her luck, but this is not a choice that you feel insures her a safe future, so you cannot participate. I think that you MAY find that this is another idle threat such as we see from the "running away from home" age.
You have said that she is choosing her old furniture over family. I am wondering if, given room and space in her own living space, she is allowed to have her personal furniture? Is this just a bit of a bicker over what to keep and what must be let go of? If this is the case you CAN see what your daily life will be with Mom with you; perhaps you are getting off lucky in all this.
How does the furniture come into it?
Not to be Debbie downer but your moms attempt to move on her own will be a disaster. You’ll be pressed into service at some point. How’s she getting there? Does she still drive? Ride in the moving truck?
When it falls apart I’d advise you to do the bare minimum just to keep her out of danger. But tough love the situation as much as you can.
- what do you want the outcome to be?
- what can you legally do to make that come about?
You seem to want her to come back to live with you so you can care for her. Has she ever been diagnosed with dementia? If no to that question, there is nothing you can do. Even if you are her DPoA, unless you can prove she has dementia, your authority to make decisions in her best interests are not in play.
If you have a strong suspicion that she has cognitive loss and you are not her DPoA your only recourse is to pursue guardianship through the courts. This takes time and requires a lawyer (thousands of dollars). And if she successfully moves out of your state, all the more difficult.
In the end you may have to "settle" for waiting for her to have a profound incident, like a fall, where she is hospitalized. If you are contacted you can go the "unsafe discharge" route and then the hospital would look for a LTC facility for her. Her county would pursue guardianship and any control over anything in her life is no longer yours BUT you will know where she is, can visit her and she will be getting medical care. For some problems there are just no "good" solutions.
Try to keep your relationship with your LO on a good note if she leaves (and assuming she doesn't have short-term memory loss). Do not lift a finger to help her move. How is she traveling back to her prior state? Flying? Driving? Do not take her. If she gets ornery about it just keep telling her apologetically that you can't possibly do any of that. You don't need to give her any more of an explanation. I wish you all the best as you muddle through this distressing drama!
This can be a very difficult call in terms of decision making and family intervention.
Does SHE know that she NEEDS help with typical necessary activities? Will she be willing to develop a caregiver staff in her new surroundings so that she can function (mostly) without your assistance? Does she have a medical support system in place, or readily accessible, in her new site?
What does she do that you find hurtful and manipulative? Is it mostly her need for independence that bothers you, or has she been this way in the past?
I gave my mother a second shot at independence after she suffered a devastating stroke, that should have killed her. (It didn’t).
She lived by herself for 4 more years, until at 89, she fell and broke her hip. An unsuccessful year of life together under one roof convinced us that residential care would be best. It was.
She lived for 5 more happy, comfortable years.
I’m NOT sure how you’ve deduced that she values her “old furniture over her family”, but if she’s actually capable of pulling that off, it may be her right to try it.
If for any reason her situation proves UNSAFE for her, her care has to be considered most important. Good luck.
If she doesn't do well, then you call APS and let them deal with her. You have done all you can do.
I would not go running to help her. If she can pull off a interstate move she can get in bed.
Your profile says that she is cruel to you, let her go and take care of you.