My mother lives by herself in the same town as I do. She moved here 6 years ago from a larger city where my sister lives. Part of the reason she moved here is because I am more willing to be attentive and Mom feels more comfortable with my husband and children. My sister is a good person, but has always done just what she wants, and on her time schedule, not one to be put out. Also, the city I live in is smaller and my Mom can still drive here (such as to the store, library, dr., etc). Mom has some hearing loss as well as selective hearing. Also, since she lives alone, her social skills have diminished quite a bit. She has alway been a chatter box, but it seems like she doesn't listen to other people, just talks about what she wants. Is not a two way conversation....you know.....I talk, then you talk, when I talk again should be relevant to what you said, and vice versa. A conversation, back and forth. My Mom seem incapable of this anymore, and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. She askes me to help her with some issue, but she doesn't listen to the information I am trying to provide her, then I get short with her, and she acts all hurt, but she won't listen. Then, after these encounters, I feel bad, and she thinks I am just being a big B***h. Unfortunately, now I find myself avoiding going over to her house, or having her over at mine. I think I really just needed to vent, but if someone has some insight for me, it would be greatly appreciated
It drives me nuts (short drive), and I find myself avoiding her as much and as long as possible.
I feel bad that she annoys me so much, but it just goes way back to my childhood and her general need for control, stubbornness, critical nature, negativity, impatience, and anal retentive/OCD issues.
I have nothing really in common with her; and I hate to admit that she is quite boring.
I have much more in common with my kids than she ever did with me. I also made/make an effort to engage my kids, where I just don’t think my mom ever genuinely did with me in a super nurturing and relative way.
She goes on about the same things all the time, and it’s mostly criticizing or complaining about what is not right or perfect in her world. I feel she will never be satisfied or admit to any wrong. She does it all in a very manipulative, reticent, and very passive aggressive way. She also tells stories of negative and painful things that happened to me in my childhood. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and just grating.
My dad passed away, and it’s even worse now. She also moved closer to me.
It was all so much easier to deal with when she lived farther away.
I don’t know what to do, so I just continue to grin and bear it - out of sheer obligation and respect to her.
I am an only child, so it’s all on me, as I am all she has. She has lost all of her friends from them either passing away, or just drifting apart from her.
I have tried to help her and encourage her to seek counseling, an elderly support group to meet peers, and to encourage her overall ‘to get a life’, but she doesn’t seem interested.
I have led the horse to the water, and I am just thinking now that it’s not my job to try to motivate her anymore. If she needs physical help with something, I will help, but mentally she absolutely still drains me.
I have had other people essentially tell me what I am describing, so it’s not only me, and not my imagination. I used to think it was my fault, but I have come to understand that this is just how she is, and I have to let it go as best as I can.
Maybe it’s time for me to a visit to a counselor again.
Self care is important too.
Thanks for letting me purge.
DAR
I will never live with her. It's bad enough that I have to be her taxi driver. It eats up hours of my time. I resent that I am the only child (of four) that is expected to put up with this.
We talk all the time on this site that some people aren't cut out to be caregivers, and that's okay. Well, that's me. That is why I will not do more than drive her places (unless it is an emergency). I told her to sell the car and use the money for taxis/rides instead of giving me her car and expecting free taxi service. I was ignored.
But I do set firm boundaries on what I will and won't do. And I give my brothers an email report of my outings with my mother. I do this for my own protection, since my mother has no idea of how much time she takes, and has called me a liar to my face.
She really should be in an AL facility. If/when she ever gets to the point of agreeing that she needs that (or needs a nursing home), I'm going to strongly suggest that it needs to be near one of the golden boy brothers. I am very disappointed to read that I won't be able to back off once she's in a facility the way I will be planning to do!
I have absolutely no advice except to say, "I hear you" and understand what you're going through.
Ask family on the other side of the country to visit and give you a break.
Being far away is not an excuse.
My husband is so kind and patient, and my kids are amazingly good humored about it.....most of the time. The most difficult part of this is when I come home from a busy day outside the house, and am met by mom who has a long and (at least to her) URGENT list of tasks that need to be addressed immediately, like her dry cleaning, or mailing out a birthday card, or getting her to the Clinique counter at the mall. My siblings live on the other side of the country, and want to remember her fondly, so I really hate to tell them what it's like to live with her.
I would have to say that, looking for the blessing in this situation, it is that I am getting a vivid picture of what I might become if I don't make every effort, every moment of every day, to make it my habit to put everyone else ahead of me with joy and a genuine interest in their well being, and in their feelings.
I work, walk my dogs, do things at home and set some time for him when I'm rested and feeling good so that we don't argue. Everything becomes a debate.
He did this with relatives when I was younger. It's behavior they were never forced to change.
I find myself doing the same with my daughter and I'm trying to change that, I'm so used to not being heard that it's slowly becoming about me. I don't want to get like that and drive her crazy.
Limit Time with your Mom , love her but take part in other activities and with other people when possible.
Good Luck!
anything I say. I call him every night and it's the same one way conversation. I've
learned to cope as best I can when we talk. It's years of being that way and it just becomes habit. He also can't be told he may be wrong about something. He only sees the world from his point of view which can lead to arguments if I'm not careful. Hang in there, it's not you and it won't change. Just make sure you communicate with other people. Good Luck
You have described my 90 year old father to a "T". I just moved him to an independent living apartment in my town, and feel like I'm about to lose my wits. My sister came for a visit and he talked non-stop for 8 hours, repeating the same stories he told me non-stop on the 1100 mile drive while moving him here. He never talks about his own 6 children or 7 grandchildren, just about the messed up people he worked with as a crisis counselor years ago.
Unfortunately, he's always been like this except when I stayed with him for a couple weeks this year to prepare his house for sale and move him out. He actually listened to me quite a bit, and I thought our relationship had changed for the better. Now I feel like I've been duped.
This forum has at least let me know I'm not alone in a unique situation, so I'll be trying some of the tips and techniques suggested by everyone for dealing with him. So, thanks for sharing...and listening!
I know how you feel. My stepfather (her husband) died recently and she is forever on the phone to me talking talking talking and talking some more and it's the biggest load of selfish rubbish you can imagine. I'm now having to attend 'group therapy' in order to deal with it - terrified of lashing out at her and making her start her "I'm sure a rotten mother, rotten woman" etc etc etc. Good luck with it - don't know what to suggest :-/
Aging people lose their hearing, their partners, their health, their independence, their work place, their friends, their mental faculties, and eventually push their own families away as the families become frustrated with their aging loved one who is waiting for the Big Unknown. It has to be the loneliest time in a person's life. Remember the conversation is not for you, it is for the person you are with. Guide the conversation if you must; even if it is an abrupt topic change. Be sure you get the information you need, and then ask them leading questions - how are they feeling health-wise? Any appointments coming up? Anything that worries or frightens them? Who have they been seeing for company and when is that person's next visit? You could learn some things in the process of guiding the conversation.
Think about possible ways to engage them with an activity that will distract them - a walk (push the wheelchair if you have to), shopping, volunteering, board game, music, looking at photo albums, something focused. This person is very aware the visit you are having may be your last and that fear and urgency can be quite motivating to speak. My parents love to talk about the family tree and be sure their kids know who everyone is.
You never know when these conversations will be silenced forever. Listen while you can and know that you are boosting your companion more than you know. Hopefully someday someone will do the same for you.
Not only is my mother so self absorbed, (can't remember the last time she asked how I was doing) and such a chronic complainer, she is always criticizing and accusing me and everybody else. Never herself. If the weather is bad, it is my fault. She has accused me of things that are impossible for me to have done. I was also getting short and downright ugly with her.
She is so difficult to be with that people cannot believe that we are related. And I have had to call places (i.e. doctor's offices) to apologize for her behavior and ask the doctor not to scold the receptionist, nurse, tech, etc. who she is accusing of so negligence, or incompetence . Nobody wants to see her coming and doors are closed to her even by my siblings.
So, how do I handle her? (many times I wish I drank or did drugs!!) I basically ignore her. I NEVER respond to her accusations or complaints. I just usually say, "uh huh", "wow", "gosh", etc. I NEVER try to solve her problems, nor side with her against another person, or try to help her see the other person's point of view.
It has taken me a lifetime to learn that with my mother's personality disorder, there is no communicating with that type of person. There is no meaningful interaction. Only frustration. So I decided to stop being frustrated and angry. I love my mother, but I don't like her. We are related, but not friends. I keep my companionship and physical visits very limited. Mostly talk on the phone. I can handle 5 minutes of that.
If I let her get more into my life and my head, I lose. I just try to love her from a distance. That is best for me. That way, I can be sane for my husband who drives me insane in his own way.
I feel guilty as heck, but for my sanity and my husband's care, I have to keep my distance from the person who bleeds me dry if I let her. I got good advice from my pastor who reminded me and confirmed for me that my husband is my first and most important priority. I can and should help my mother whenever possible, so I send money for her to get what she wants or needs. I don't do it personally if I can find another way to get her needs met.
I wish you the best.
But more than that, don't let her current condition, whatever it is or isn't run your life into the ground or ruin your perspective. Make good decisions for her and for you...I suspect she can't do that any more, and she needs you to do it and will come to need it more and more. Build trust as much as you can. Find ways to show her that her needs will be met while you go ahead with Plan A, or maybe a modified Plan A, but NOT Plan B, if Plan B is you give up everything and devote 110% of available resources to her every whim.
I'm in the same position. My mother and I used to be good buddies (which was why I became the designated caregiver out of 7 adult children), but that is a thing of the past. Now it's all about her. Mom didn't even remember my birthday this past year. I mean, just totally forgot, and I was practically living with her at the time, and no she doesn't have dementia . As my friend and confidante, Mom knew about all the plans and goals I had for my retirement, but she thinks nothing of expecting me to sacrifice all of it to make her senior years as easy and comfortable as possible for her. And of course all the conversation is about her - her medical issues, her schedule, her home maintenance needs, whatever she wants me involved with and helping with. It's like if they allow themselves to remember that you're a separate person with your own issues and feelings, they'd feel too bad about everything they're asking you to sacrifice for them, so they just don't think of it. It bites. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I really don't. It just really bites.
It's awfully hard to be around such self focus and negativity and I've lost it on my Mom plenty over the years but I hate when I get like that. It never helps AND I feel guilty.
One thing I found to make it easier is to have zero expectations that I am going to get anything out of a conversation with her. I tell myself there are other people in my life to fill that need. So when we talk I remind myself that nothing has changed.
Mom and Dad are still living on their own so I don't call unless I feel up to listening to the same tired old stuff. Once in a while we do end up having a fun or positive conversation and I just try and enjoy it without getting my hopes up.
I know you live with your Mom and that makes it all the harder. Is there a room you can go into and shut the door when you need respite? Or maybe get out of the house? I wish you much luck and hope you find relief.
Best to you!
20 years now, and she has demetia, she always been spoiled and go
her way, she always came first, I try to stop her from cooking and
running out the door, she scared me, she will not listen to me