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My mother who I care for is refusing to eat & is restricting her fluid intake as she wants her life to end. My sister has informed her doctor who says there is nothing he can do until she gets ill. My mother refuses to see the doctor & constantly blames my sister & I for not respecting her wishes in wanting to die when we try to encourage her to eat & drink. Advice please..

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How old is mom and what is wrong with her? Your Dr is right if mom is refusing there is nothing you can do. Will she drink anything nutricous?
She will eventually die from starvation but as long as she is drinking even a few ounces a day it can take several weeks. You will be amazed especially if she has a good fat reserve. Is she actually approaching the end of her life now? if she has a terminal illness call in hospice and they will offer you support and advice. Is there a DNR and HCP in effect and are you prepared to honor her wishes. Please give us some more details, there is no simple answer, but from what you have said I believe you should honor her wishes and make whatever time she has left full of good memories for those who will be left behind. Do you really want to see your mother in a hospital be being force fed? It is not a pleasant experience for anyone.
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Thank you for you response..
Mum is approaching 89 & yes I appreciate how she feels & that her life is probable coming to an end. The problem is right as you pointed out I don`t want to see her in a hospice/hospital, I just don`t want to see her get ill thought that may be inevitable. I do respect that she has had enough, but what makes it harder is that she is perfectly fit & healthy {well, until the starvation came in to effect} she is on no medication,my sister & I care for her in her own home preventing her from going into a home,she has 2 other sons that visit regular. It is just simply a case of her wanting to die & selfishly we don`t want her to but more important we don` t want to see her wither away & get ill as she was only a little fail old woman to start with. Thanks again for you input, greatly appreciated.
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Does your Mom have dementia? When my Mom was diagnosed with dementia, she was placed on medication to control mood swings, periods of violence, anger and extreme agitation. She suddenly stopped eating, would not drink, and refused to get out of bed. She suddenly started soiling herself in bed, refusing to go to the bathroom.

I had to give her bed baths and clean her up regularly. I found a wonderful GP who actually did house calls. She dropped in every week to see how my Mom was doing. Things were getting so dire that the doctor recommended a feeding tube. The doctor worked with me to arrange Visiting Nurse Service during the week. The diagnosis: Infant Failure to Thrive.

The doctor discussed various options with me but said I may want to consider palliative care in the event my mother did not improve. After another week of "no progress," social services were in the process of setting up regular visits by a chaplain, counselor, and others to help me and and husband care for her in the event palliative care was needed.

A few days before the decision was made to regarding the feeding tube, my Mom woke up, got dressed, came downstairs for breakfast and was in great spirits. My husband and I were shocked but incredibly relieved. It turns out that medications, if they work, can take a while to do what they are meant to do. My mother's extreme mood swings improved, she was no longer violent or having fits of rage. She became much easier to deal with, although she still had her moments when it came to getting in the shower?

So if your Mom is on any kind of medication, I'd find out if the meds are in any way linked to what she's experiencing. It is very frightening. My prayers are with you.
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Thank you, My mum does not have dementia but I think she may have the very early onset & does suffer mood swing just like you described. I am taking each day as it comes & in respect of what you have told me I will try & discuss the matter with her doctor again with regard to any help I can get if it comes to it. Thank you again for your kind words & for sharing your experience, we do all need help in these situations & I appreciate yours.
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Hmm.... 89, fit and healthy, no meds, just wants to die?? I would immediately suspect depression, which can be easily remedied with and anti-depressant. My suggestion is to either have a serious chat with her primary care doctor, or get her to a geriatiric care specialist. I can understand respecting an elder's end-of-life wishes, but it does not sound like that is where your mother is at from a medical/physical standpoint. If she does not eat or drink, she will soon go into dehydration, may start twitching and slurring her speech, possibly a urinary tract infection, kidneys can shut down, and maybe even start hallucinating. This happened to my Mom just from too little eating or drinking (very hard to keep track of when there is plenty in the fridge, and she assures you she ate this and drank that, but you are not actually living with her) If that happens, she will end up in the ER, where she will be most likely admitted, and you can insist that she be thoroughly evaluated. At that point, you could start working with the Case Manager and/or social worker to figure out the next steps. Do you really want to play it out that far? If I were in your shoes, I would get her to the doctor ASAP. Just tell her the doctor's office called to remind you that she needs a check-up and some blood work. Then get really serious with the doctor. Good luck.
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Thanks, you have a valid point. I want to respect her wishes but I also want to do the right thing as I see it & as I see it she don`t really have a valid reason for wanting to end her life {but who knows what she is thinking or going through} & if it is depression that is making her feel this way, against her wishes I feel I should maybe consult her doctor...asap. Thank you again for you opinion I appreciate it.
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wow, I am going through something like this with my mom. She got sick, rehab etc. Had to move her and Dad (alz) in with us a few months ago. they are no problem, we love having them, but she is depressed, feels like she is "ruining our lives" etc. I got her new Dr to give her an antidepressent yesterday. Hope it helps! Just alot of changes and hopefully we will get through this. She keeps telling is to just Let her Go if she falls, etc. I explain I'll have to call 911.. she has a fit. This is a retired RN !! I am also in medicine, but it is hard.
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Thank you & yes very hard, lots of us going through similar situations. Hope your situation improves.
Thank you to all who have given their experiences, advice & thoughts + the hugs received, sending hugs back to you all..
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Sheeshee, my heart hurts reading your post... this is an incredibly sad thing to have to go through, for you guys and your mom... I can only imagine how utterly painful this is for you... You've already been given great advice, and I'm praying that maybe an antidepressant will do the trick, and that your mom will come out of this and starts enjoying life again... She's very lucky to have you guys.. *hugs*
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This happened with my uncle after his wife died. He refused to eat, and his son was unable to do anything for him. The rest of us urged his son to get his father on anti-depressants, but not being next of kin, we didn't have any say in his medical treatment, and my uncle refused to see us and told his son to leave him alone. He went into hospice and died of starvation at age 65. It's so difficult to know what to do when an adult relative makes a decision like this, but since you have some influence with your mother, I would definitely encourage trying anti-depressants.
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Thank you to those I not replied to & sorry it`s taken so long to reply but I not had time.
Against my mums wishes we called the doctor, he put her on Anti-depressants like many of you suggested & although they seem to have brought dementia on she has started eating & drinking again. We are struggling to cope but while ever we can we will & now she is eating n drinking again we can only hope for improvement. Thank you again everyone for your thoughts & advice , greatly appreciated, hugs to you all & a big up for carers alike x
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Just want to say, relative to possible depression, there are drugs for depression that also work wonderfully to increase appetite. My Dad got into this state about a year ago, and lost over 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Doctor put him on this drug and within about 2 weeks he started eating well again, and laughing about his poor memory. He's been pretty stable ever since and gained about 10 pounds back too. As I recall, his drug was Celexa??
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My dad is doing almost the exact same thing. He's 86, did have a second stroke in early Feb, got through the rehab quite well, but does have to use a walker all the time now. I've just put another call into the psychiatrist. He was in the psych ward back in Sept for talking about wanting to die and refusing to eat, drink or even get up out of the bed. It's basically depression with some dementia but not enough to cause this. He had been able to walk 2 football fields' worth of distance in August, now, he has lost weight, goes through refusal to even get up at all, does not want to eat enough and gets angry if I even suggest a hospital or going to see his Doc. He wants to die, and is very plain about that and even wants to know if there is some paper he can sign to say "leave me alone and let me die". He already has the DNR in place and no fluids, no feeding-tubes, etc., so I will be curious to see what the doc and nurses say. I have caregivers coming in, and me, I wish I could get him on hospice or something! Jeez!!!! You reach your wits' end sometimes not knowing what in the world to do to honor their wishes, yet you can't let them deliberately starve themselves to death... ahhhh.... I so know what you are going through, same thing here, and I haven't a clue, as this gets more and more serious. Please, may the doctors have some kind of freaking solution...
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Me again, and my dad is on anti-depressants. His doc has changed his medications at least 3x since Feb, and he is back on the Celexa. But, he just wants to die and get out of here. He feels he has no real future and is just draining the money and draining me, for what? He asks. He wants to "go home" and be with my mom. He is a widower. I so understand his frustration, lonliness, etc. But, the medications can help somewhat, but sometimes you just cannot get back the life they once had, and the energy, stamina, friends (who have now died), etc. He wants to be with his friends, family and wife! And all of them who he was close to have all already transitioned. My gosh. I get it, and yet to see him just make a deliberate decision to waste away. Whew. We have a counselor starting next week, and the caregivers are coming in now, but... hrmmm... I don't know. I just don't know... I'm hoping the doctor can get in-home nursing help or something started. I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him out of the hospital or nursing home, etc., but, I may have to. He's already told (yelled at) me, with a fist in the air, that he will hit anyone who tries to take him out of that bed and to the hosp. Jeez. Good luck everyone who is dealing with this kind of situation. It's basically inexplainable to anyone who's not dealing with it. Love him so much and it just tears you apart to see them go through something like this. Blessings to all.
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So sad. My father wanted me to call Dr. Kevorkian for him!

There's probably nothing to do, but I have two suggestions. First, what helped my father was pain pills. The VA nurse said, "Give him two. He will fall asleep, and when he wakes up, he will have forgotten about it." Your dad probably has a level of pain that he doesn't quite notice, but it gets him down.

Second, cook a really delicious meal that smells wonderful, something he always used to like. Or homemade bread. If you don't do that, you can buy dough at the market or at the pizza shop. If the smell of that doesn't tempt him, he may be too far gone.

Ask his doctor for a hospice "assessment." His expected life is probably more than 6 months, but he is showing "failure to thrive," and they might have useful ideas to make him more comfortable.

God bless you both.
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How are the vitamin D levels?
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My mother has been home from theNH 4 weeks now. Last week she would eat 5 or more spoons of food. Now she will only eat breakfast (5 spoons) sometimes a gulp of liquids she sleeps all day and night mom says that she is just sleepy. I worry that something else is happening there is nothing I can do
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Celexa really helped my Dad too....when he suddenly stopped eating and lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. That was over a year ago. Dr knew my dad well, and knew he would never take an anti depressant, so she explained to him that the new med would help control how the synapses in his brain connected...(not a lie, since antidepressants affect serotonin levels in the brain) and she hoped would improve his brain. He was so worried about his dementia at this time, that he readily agreed. The drug increased his appetite within 2 weeks and he was looking forward to food again. He stayed at his weight for over 8 months, ad recently has put on another 6 pounds. In his memory care unit, they actually cook a full breakfast in the kitchen every AM, rather than bringing the meal from their kitchen, because they say that research shows that just smelling a cooking breakfast, wakes up the elderly with a good appetite.... so perhaps, as another suggested above, cooking something regularly with great smells, is worth a try! Me....I cannot resist the smell of cooking bacon!!
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Just found this website found it very comforting as I am going thru same thing with my mother who is 82. She has a personality disorder as well as dementia and chronic depression just went through mastectomy in September for breast cancer. Lives in NH gets good care, but all she talks about is wanting "to die" .
Her dementia is getting much worse, very confused most of the time, doesn't want
To eat and has lost 10 lbs in the last month. We are trying to switch her anti depressants but it takes time and she fights taking medication. Every time I talk or see her that's all she talks about "how she wants to die" . It's getting to the point that I dread seeing her or talking to her and then I feel guilty.
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Poor thing, Guilty one. I mean you, not your Mom.

For some people, it has been a fight to try to feel happy, and that fight has gone on for a lifetime. When you reach the point where you have lost your freedom and you are always in a little pain, it starts to feel like a good time to give up.

Try upping her pain medication. If that doesn't help, and she resists antidepressants, I would be inclined to stop trying so hard to force her to stay alive. We are kinder to our old sick pets.

I don't know your whole story, and I don't mean to offend you. I have fought depression most of my life, and I can imagine, once my body is failing, feeling like I just want to give up and REST in the grave. Don't blame yourself if that's how she feels now.
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every situation might be a little different but when an elder is in genuine mortal decline , at some point they will have no need for food and water because their systems are slowly shutting down. starvation and dehydration both produce a euphoria that is far from the worst imaginable way to pass on.
this sounds kind of negative or defeatist but it is often the reality of end of life.
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My mother (87) has slowed her food and drink intake way way down. I suspect that's a way asserting(?) some independence but also shutting down preparing for her destiny. I'd rather believe the independence theory.
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I so totally agree with Jinx!!! When we want to go, LET US GO! When I no longer know my daughter and grandaughter, I definitely don't want to be here any longer. I am already gone!
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I am going through the same with my mother. My mum is 80 and suffered for 56 years from rhemutoid arthritis and many other ailments. She is in a nursing home and really wants to die she stopped eating and drinking 12 days ago and when she had full mental capacity told drs and staff that she has had a good life but really wants it to end and meet her family in heaven. It's very hard but I am respecting her wishes and allowing her to die. She gets very cross now as it's taking a long time when she wakes and sees me she cries as she is still here and not in heaven yet. It's hard watching her die like this but I know it's important for her and I respect her wishes and finally the carers have come to terms with her refusing food and water. Just hope her wishes come soon as it's very hard to see her so upset.
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Caz; I'm so sorry that you;re going through this. Yes, it's incredibly painful to watch, my MIL did this two years ago after having open heart surgery and refusing rehab, anti depressants, etc. I have no advice, just be at peace with her and yourself.
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Very sad, I would just make sure they have a DNR.
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My mum passed away yesterday after 16 days of no eating and drinking.
I managed to get my mum home on Friday from the nursing home so I could care for her in her last few days and be with her at the end. It's been a horrible death to watch her go through but in the end she went with me holding her. It's the worst type of dying that anyone can imagine watching someone die from not eating and drinking is awful, the laws do need to change on euthanasia.
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Hello Sheeshee and many similar posters-
This sounds very similar to my mother.
It is very painful when all someone talks about is wanting to die. My mother is treated for depression but still goes on and on about how she could attempt suicide. We have had interventions, but the pain is there with every conversation, wish and tear shed.
I believe attempting to come to terms with the inevitable is part of what we (adult children) must go through. Making sure everything is in place for after her death can be of some comfort for everyone involved. This too can be sure your mother does not have care against her wishes; comfort care only and no interventions to prolong her life.
On the other hand, perhaps taking her for a car ride, looking at a book of art together, listening to music, or whatever would be enjoyable together is a way to have a few moments away from the topic. Keeping her mobility will help with however her life ends to not be in pain.
/hugs
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My Mom is 83, over the last 18 years since my Dad died she has become a drinker and drinks 4-6 drinks each day. We have had to move her back here from Florida, She hates it here, she is not eating, she sleeps all the time and when she is awake she drinks and smokes.
She does not think she has a issue with her drinking, she will lie and say she has a cocktail with dinner. She puts it in a papercup if it is earlier in the day.

My question is how long can she survive with out eating and drinking (non alcoholic) She is on a antidepressant. She just doesn't care anymore.
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My mother is refusing to eat and drink, She has been to the hospital once already for fluids because of dehydration. But now when they bring the food tray to her she hollars to they to get it out. Once at the dinning room she pushed herself away from the table refusing to eat, The aide said you don't want to get dehydrated again, she said she does not want any IV's or feeding tubes. She seems like she is angry at us even bringing up eating at all. Is this her way to get back at us for having to put her in a nursing home or what. She had fallen and needed rehab which she was not progressing.
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