I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
If they will not discuss their plans with you as to what is in their future
Do they have long term care insurance?
Do they have a plan to move to AL or IL or even memory care if that is needed?
Do they have the finances to have help come in?
If these questions can not or will not be answered then I would say Continue with your plans to move. Start clearing out clutter, put the house on the market and go.
What they are asking you to do is accept a stressful job without all the information about the job. If you were in the job market would you accept a job under the same conditions?
One possibility might, again MIGHT be acceptable once you have moved and are settled if they move to AL facility in your new location you would be there to support them but not assume care of them.
As I have said here in many posts it is silly to me that people don't want to sell the house, sell "Aunt Betty's" dresser, spend their saved money on their own care because they want to "pass it on" to the children or grandchildren. Well I don't want your house, I don't want Aunt Betty's dresser what I want is for you to spend your money on your care so I don't have to care for you.
Don't cave in.
You earned your retirement, you earned the right to move where you want and to pursue your dreams.
Primary family caregiving can take a toll on your own health.
Live for yourselves, whatever that may mean to you. I live 2 hours away from my parents, and when urgent health needs arose, I, at then, 58, couldn't handle the stress of my very stressful, well paying job, and my parents. I must say, I also was not loving my job anymore, so I quit (my parents so happily thought of it as retirement ..but I quit...well planned, and with a decent amount of money..I was financially able to do it). But at the same time my older brother, who lived near parents, decided he too would retire..great..but no..they moved 2000 miles away! So then I was really the only child left. I made my choice, my parents didn't insist, but I feel resentful ..all my doing though. As the only one close by, to help them when living on their own, and then in independent living at a retirement home, there wasn't anyway I couldn't help with their care. My Dad, who I thought was so financially sound, had nothing in place for their senior needs. My mother had dementia..and was on a walker. Dad's health started having issues at age 90..he always fought through..taking scary risks...driving..mother died at 91..Dad is still alive, but now in hospice (very expensive if you do it in a rehab/nursing facility, as you pay room and board, so $10000 a month! I was there at every need. I was never that close to my father, at all. He can be vey explosive to me, and used to be that way to my Mom. I was close to my Mom..but of course there were issues. I would have loved to have moved away, as my brother, did..but..my guilt would have gotten to me. I have helped with all their needs (and for you they will come up, unless your parents just drop dead in their sleep), and I do it out of obligation..I get very little reward, other than knowing I'm doing the right thing. If you move, they will become your brother's responsibility, even if he doesn't take it. INSIST they move to AS. And then you can go guilt free. IF they don't move..and you are like me, you'll stay..be stuck..and be resentful. I am still resentful of my brother who moved away when Dad turned 90.
Because parents fail to plan doesn't mean their kids are now obligated to forego their own lives or live with guilt. That is just ridiculous.
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has narcissistic and bipolar personality disorders. There is no self reflection, conscience or appreciation. They suck the life out of you and do not change. This is probably why your brother has left and why you're so guilt ridden, even after all you've done.
I hope you go for it!
SO, make your plans and try your best to see that they are cared for and safe. Explain your plans to your parents and your brother and invite them to be a part of the solutions to make sure your parents are safe and cared for if they are willing to cooperate.
My 92 year old mother sounds much like your mother. She has been retired for almost 30 years and never had a concern for me (her only child) until she needed my help. I can't have a conversation with her about options for when she needs more care, and she also keeps me at arms' length. As a result, I established firm boundaries with her since my husband and I are both retired and want to enjoy our sons, their wives, and our grandchildren who live nearby. A friend (who is paid) assists me in helping my mother since she often wants to go out more than the two days a week I am willing to take her out for doctors, dentist, and shopping.
My advice is to sit down with your wife and figure out your priorities and how you can live your life while also having the peace of mind to know your parents are cared for when you move. If you can, talk to their doctors and a senior social worker for advice and insight.
This forum and my own experience have taught me that we each have a unique set of circumstances and we have to decide what is best for each of us and our own health and well being. Make sure you and your wife can be at peace with the decisions you make - wishing you and all here the best!
your retirement years are yours to do with what you want. Your parents merrily lived their lives and have no right to boo hoo and manipulate you to change plans for them. Your mom is trying to cross your boundary. Do what you have dreamed of and planned for.
many here have said that you can help be an advocate and get information and later line up things for them if that turns out to be the case.
Any parent who has children so that they will be taken care of them in old age is using children for the wrong reason. We are to have children, love them, and bring them up to be independent. We in return do for our parents out of love not obligated guilt. So move, enjoy the life you’ve been given and help from afar. We are lucky to live in a time where this is possible.
If I have learned one thing from this forum and caring for my mil, I have learned I do not want my own children to go through this parent care.... I am starting t make plans for my own care when I need it.
It's that your retirement plans are along the lines of: you and your wife will move to where your brother has been living all this time. You are despondent about the prospect, you fear a No Win.
So... why is this absolutely fine for him but bordering on a crime against humanity for you? Why do you think you feel like this about the prospect?
"My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish. . ."
No appeasement! Reading this forum you'll see that you can never really appease, please or placate self-centered, unreasonable parents. More importantly, you can't make them finally give you the parental love you deserve by winning their approval. It's sad but true. Provide any assistance on your terms and with your wife's blessing.
I vote no to appeasement and yes to your sanity, marriage and a fun, healthy retirement!
While, yes, for people to take on caregiving if they can, but do not criticize those who do not for you may believe you know the whole story, but cannot ever fully know. With kids, they are smaller than you. With parents, they are bigger than you, and cannot do anything about it if they refuse to take their meds, eat right, etc. People do not realize how difficult to care for anyone bigger than you, especially solo.
What is right for you is between the Good Lord and you. However, your wife does come first, so if she is not on board, she may have her reasons, especially women being more of the caregivers. I hope in Jesus, you find the right answer for you. But if you do not sacrifice retirement plans, if the Lord is alright with your plans, who are we to tell you different. But if your parents treat you the way they do, then how can they expect you to sacrifice your plans?
No one likes to live in a nursing home or AL, but doing what you do not like is not just young people stuff; it applies to even if you lived to be 130.
If there are anyone under 40 reading this post, do not believe that breaking down as you get elder is inevitable. There are plenty still living on their own, and died living alone. You can better your chances by enough healthy habits. I am not saying you cannot once in awhile have that Whopper, or Banana Cream Pie, but how we treat ourselves now paves the way for later. Respect your body's needs now, it will repay you. Treat it like a garbage dump, what can you expect? A lot of people feel worse as getting elder cannot be blamed on age; it is too many bad habits catching up to someone. If you are passed 40, not too late to start. Have the instruction of Jesus in you, and make choices and new habits to get you to where you live on your own fully as a senior instead of having your children give up their lives. We should look to stay independent, instead of looking to eventually be waited on hand and foot, and it is disheartening so many people are like that, instead of being grateful they can do for themselves while so many kids may never get to find out what it is like to be independent, may never get to walk, or do all the things healthy kids can, even sadly, lose their lives to cancer.
Thank you you once again.
Johnc1
Any additional insights would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your previous input - it was so helpful.
Johnc1
If your parents really do have a nice nest egg saved they can certainly use this $ for AL , continuing care including at home care. There are communities for the elderly that include: Assisted Living, then when more care needed onto NH; Memory Care and Hospice (under one roof). Check for this type of community in their area. If they insist on remaining in their home, there are private agencies that offer 24 hour care and/or transportation to MD visits, and so on.
Unequivocally, no. I do not think you should give up your plans.
That said, without a plan for your parents, the chances that your future life will be derailed are very good. Yes, they may be functioning independently now, but you and I both know that can’t go on forever - one, or both are just one bad day away from needing LOTS of help.
You ‘Just leaving’ will not address this eventuality - they WILL need help. When that happens, you’re stuck no matter what.
So, my suggestion: do some research. Come up with a couple of plans for them that feel feasible and livable for you, based on YOUR plans - 2 or 3, based on cost. The top tier might assume a healthy budget for in home care, or a snazzy AL facility. A more moderate option might assume a less substantial sum - say, a more moderately priced facility, or a live-in caregiver who is working in part for a place to live, etc. only you know what might work. After independent living skills fail, what NH possibilities exist in their area? Which are the best choices? How and when would that transition happen? But work out the details, each and every one. Put it in writing.
They want your help, but at this point, it will have to be a reasonable scenario for both of you. They are ‘on their terms’ kinda folks - and that isn’t likely to change. But you can be too. Be very clear what you are, and are NOT willing to do. That’s the ‘on your terms’ part. You present the choices to them: plan A B or C. They get to pick. That’s the ‘on their terms’ part.
If, as you say, they for whatever reason, will not discuss their finances etc with you - the discussion still needs to happen notwithstanding, or you can not put a contingency plan in place for them when you move.
My thought is, might there be a trusted intermediary - a family member, friend, lawyer, financial planner with whom they WOULD have this discussion? They could talk with that individual, pick a plan accordingly, and get back to you. With that persons help, you could make the appropriate arrangements before you move. That way, you will not be moving back when a crisi occurs, or worse, moving one of them in with you in your new place.
Hope this is helpful. Take it from one who currently has a 92 yo at the breakfast table every morning perseverating about how many cars have driven by that day. You will not have the life you planned, if you don’t make plans NOT to have the one your parents have in mind!
-Andy
But what the Lord tells you, go with that!
So. Your spectrum of possibilities ranges from "screw you oldies, we're off" with no thought to your parents' future at all; through to "oh well it was only a dream" and staying put until one or more of you dies, and it won't necessarily be your parents who go first.
Those are the extremes; what are the compromise options?
Can you ease into an enjoyable retirement that doesn't involve such a radical change of location?
Can you go ahead and change your location, but set up some kind of communication and visiting framework that offers support and reassurance to your parents?
I think: the really key resolution for you to make is that You Are In Charge. YOU decide what is the best and fairest way to carry out your plans for yourself and your wife while giving your parents the support YOU feel they are entitled to expect of you. It can be hard to remember this when you are hearing wails and gnashings of teeth and complaints and accusations, but stop and think - the fact that your mother says you are a wicked ungrateful uncaring child don't make it so.
Elderly people do not like change (neither do I, I'm not being critical). So keep them informed, give them time to adjust, and be ready to assist with any sensible plans they will consider. Just don't let them sabotage your own.
I wouldn’t expect anyone, especially brother, to be overjoyed that you will move away and leave him with the implied responsibility. These days if a parent has lived to 95 they could easily live to 100. Many do. Not so many to 110. So you run the risk of feeling guilty for a few years into your retirement. Or one or the other could have an event and be gone next week.
Im not saying not to do it but don’t expect it not to hurt your parents and your brother. That would be unrealistic.
Perhaps you have also planned to spend a month or more each year with parents. Alllowing brother a respite. Perhaps you intend to provide support in other ways. It sounds like your mom has had comfort in knowing you were near even though you haven’t felt connected.
I lived my adult life away from my family. My parents were surrounded by family but when it came to their final years I was their go to person. It can be done. You don’t have to abandon them just because you don’t live next door. How far away will you be in miles or hours? Many on this forum are long distance caregivers. You may even find that you are more connected than before after you move.
Dont blame it on your wife. That’s not fair to anyone.
It sounds like you may have been mom’s retirement plan. She might need a moment.