I want nothing more than to move my parents into a safer place to live. They are fine to live alone (with each other) for the time being but they need to live on one level and/or make other improvements such as moving the washer/dryer upstairs from the basement and install a safer tub, but even though my mom has already fallen more than once my dad refuses to see that there is a problem and he refuses to spend any money to make improvements and he, of course, refuses to move. I just don't get it. The house is small and filthy - they stopped cleaning long ago and started hoarding (not TV-show-bad but not pretty, either). Even though (or because?) it is the house I grew up in, I absolutely despise even setting foot in that house, and when I do they get angry with me for trying to clean the whole time I'm there - I mean, really angry - yelling and screaming angry. But I just can't look at that filth and clutter and not try to clean it, but it's so nasty you can never tell I did anything much at all, and their anger about it makes me give up and leave before there's time to make a dent, anyway. And there's no clean place to sit down and relax and just "visit" with them, anyway, so what else would I do while I'm there?? Also, they always still offer to feed me when I go in... It has been at least four years since I've had a meal (or even a snack) in their house because it is so dirty. They know why I won't eat, yet they keep offering like I'm suddenly going to just change my mind and decide I don't mind eating food from a filthy kitchen at a filthy table. I pretty much just don't go there at all anymore - and they know why - but they keep asking... complaining... "you never come over anymore". I HATE IT THERE. Dad has some sort of dementia - can't find his words, forgets everything, loses everything, and NEEDS me all the time - constantly calling me asking me to do crazy things and just talking irrationally about random subjects and it drives me crazy. He doesn't do this to any of my siblings - just me - and I have a very stressful job that takes a lot of my time and he doesn't seem to understand that at all - calls me at all times of the day and evening, and makes doctor appts without checking with me first even though he knows I have to take him. He still drives a little and so does Mom but neither of them understand what the doctors are saying half the time and/or they simply don't remember. Mom's memory is going, too -- she's better off than Dad in that department but physically she is much worse off. ANYWAY... my whole point was meant to be that I am desperate for them to move someplace safer and cleaner and it just kills me that Dad refuses. Mom would be all for it, but Dad's "in charge". I've even offered to help them get a little place much closer to where I live so I could see them more often and where none of us would have to worry about Mom falling down the stairs, but Dad shuts me down every time I mention it. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for such a long... rant, more so than a question. I am just so frustrated and lost. My siblings DO NOT care. Whenever my parents need or want anything it's me they call... it's me that Dad screams at because he's mad at the whole world.
If you can get agreement on some physical assist fixes, try to get a clamp-on bath rail, a flexible shower extension and a shower seat (the rotating ones are nicer). These are relatively inexpensive and available from various independent living catalogs, such as Gold Violin. Next, try to get a stair elevator for them - the VA paid for my Dad's. As others have said, try to get POA. I wish that I had gotten POA from Dad before he died - Mom has dementia, and won't grant it. Dad might have, but I didn't think to ask. Mom won't allow me to pay income tax and other bills, and refuses cleaning help, and so forth. If they are in a church, maybe a pastor can help you out. It's important for everyone to know that POA doesn't mean that they have to move out of the house or follow your orders.
And try to love them and love yourself during this trial. You may have to "let go and let God".
Mom sounds like she's got some problems, too.
But regardless, they need some evaluation.
EVEN if they are great "show-timers", and even if your siblings don't think there is anything wrong-
--often, kids do not admit anything's haywire, because THEY don't want to deal with it, & if one of them does try to deal with it, the others get angry because it reflects badly on them--they are taking it personally, & that's inappropriate.
But you have to decide, also, if the family behaviors are something you can deal with--because they will fly back in your face, if you are the only one pushing to get the folks evaluated, or worse [according to them and sibs], removing them from their home to a facility.
Have you already kept a log/diary/calendar jotting down behaviors, words/statements, calls; & listing down, with dates, what Dad has said/done, that might indicate confusion, dementia, inability to manage finances, withdrawal from community previously active in, etc.?
That would be a real good thing--you could give that to their Doctors, as well as Social Workers doing any evaluations.
Elders [or anyone] who has behaviors
"that could endanger themselves or others",
could be evaluated to determine their level of abilities to care for themselves. USE that statement, or like it, that you are "worried for their safety and that of their neighbors".
That could involve APS, or Social Services, & could be started by:
Police doing "well-checks" [call the folks' 911 service so the calls are recorded & documented!], OR by calling Area Agency on Aging, OR by calling Social Services via DSHS [welfare].
Keep them in their own home for this evaluation, while locating proper care & shelter for them, it's really important--if they are removed from their place first, whoever has them, is now the one left "holding hte bag" for providing caregiving.
AVOID taking them under your roof, unless you are willing to put up with Dad's hoarding, filth, rages, etc.
When elders are hoarding and having angry outbursts at any who clean, they are not going to welcome in-home caregivers, either.
It could pose danger to home health workers/caregivers, faced with an elder having anger outbursts, as that becomes "he said, she said"; the caregiver invariably LOSES.
Elders having angry behaviors at Caregivers, need to be in a more public caregiving setting, where multiple witnesses can document and make sure who is saying/doing what, to whom.
The Folks' place was epic-hoarded. They lived in a rotting camp trailer in the yard, plugged into the electric, and the hose. Potty was the yard [it was large enough, but still...!!!]. They didn't want anyone do anything that actually got rid of junk, until the bitter end. They put up great shows of their abilities to keep on as they had been.
Then, he went into hospital; there was a fire; yet, even with all that, City never evicted, posted notice of unfit habitation, nor called Social Services.
Mom could show-time like a trooper.
The Fire Department even had to pull fire hoses all thru the not just hoarded, but filthied house, to get at the fire, yet apparently didn't report it to Social Services.
But that was the end of it. They had to leave that place, and that allowed others to get in and clear out the junk so the place could be sold.
Officials REALLY avoid starting any process that moves an elder into a facility, until it can't be avoided.
They really want families to deal with it.
Systems do not like to assess anyone as dementia'd or deficient: it would be removing the elder's autonomy, preventing them "aging in place", & it cost$ the $ystem$ hugely.
There are plenty reasons elders evade diagnosis, evaluations, & getting needed help--beyond fractious families.
It seems "the way things are" is not quite working well. There needs to be better ways to do things; changes are happening, but not fast enough for todays' elders.
There is no pleasant way to live through what families put themselves through, either.
I just hope that we all gradually learn how to deal with things far better.
Maybe we're seeing the current age changing to "better", now--it's just a rough ride!
Sounds like they might need some inhome care assistance so you can get that started,also. overwhelming,yes .
Hoarders are mentally ill--in what ways, needs to be determined.
Their piles of junk are literally their "safety zone", without which they feel terribly unsafe, vulnerable.
[[I wonder how many hoarders were badly abused/neglected as kids--forget about the Great Depression argument!]]
Those who live in filth, are NOT making logical, realistic choices, and could be endangering themselves or others.
But then, that is subjective---what's realistic in one's perspective, might not be so in another's.
Guess it comes down to, finding the "just right" language to use, to get the Workers/Systems to evaluate properly.
IF someone is unable to make good choices with money handling, fails to pay their bills despite having money to do it, lives in a rotting hoarded trailer instead of their hoarded house nearby, uses the yard to pottie in, starts having trouble dialing the phone properly, forgets things they normally knew, leaves pots and pans cooking unattended as they get sidetracked, leaves burners on, leaves heaters on that they normally would NEVER have left on, etc. ...
MAYBE those might be more effective descriptors to get the Systems to at least evaluate the elders!?
I am so sorry you are having to go through this ordeal with your parents right now. Looks like you have alot of good counsel here, and yes I too believe that you need to get outside help from a social services organization. Get someone in their to see if they can agree with you about the environment not being a safe one along with an evaluation of their mental capacities. This is got to be very hard for you, and I pray that the Lord will give you His grace to do all that will be necessary for the welfare of your parents. ysic, t.
A lot of people here shared some good ideas. However, I think Landysghost n hadenough really understands. For us children had to call Social service on our parents due to concern if they were a live. We were not allow in the trailer n I know now why. So we would all meet at my Aunts place which was still on my dad's property n we grew up in that trailer. They would make all kind of excuse however they both had a drinking problem too. Anyway, the Social worker couldn't do anything since the stepma seem she in her right mind n that according to the sm, they were okay. well, long story short, we wind up being the villains for 2-3 months afterward, no one could get them to answer the phone or come to the fence for they had some mean dogs. Fortunately, one of the bro's grab a huge stick n jump the fence n found the sm laying n the yard n not able to move n my dad was stuck between two refrigerators. supposedly he tripped over one of the dogs. The fire dept n ER took them to hospital n they were barely alive from not eating. Of course, u don't have that problem but the mess in the house was just to horrible to even described n that the ER people had to wear a mask to get through the filth! Luckily they were admitted n the trailer was 'condemn' due to 'fire hazardous.' That was only way we could get them out of their place. Also, if you can get a POA both health n financially go for it if u feel their safeness is at dangerous n it seems they may have some memory problem going on n need to see a physician. I hope this helps n please come back n let us know how things r going. Good luck
I figured, it came under "endangering themselves or others"....if family had cooperated, she could have gotten better help, far sooner, but they didn't.
Mom and her DH were breaking a bunch of Codes, but everyone was looking the other way. Mom had suffered mental illnesses all her life, but people pretended things were fine, she was "just having moods". Even her suicide attempt and other threats never got family to get her helped. She's always managed to get by, even sometimes extraordinarily well, before reverting to major dysfunction.
When her DH had medical emergency, she didn't call EMT's she called a relative, who called 911.
They had to get him out of the piles.
She was moved to the relative's to be closer to her DH, and for transportation, but, she wanted to return to her place to get some things...and decided to take a bath--left the ancient heater running--totally out of character for her do to that.
The Fire Dept. had to respond, and traipsed thru the house to put it out.
During the next few days, we went to get some things from the place, and found the gas stove in the kitchen was on,filling the house with gas
---one of those entering was smoking--coulda blown us all to smithereens. Not to mention, it would have created a wild fire that could have devastated the neighborhood, in that dry climate.
She was only allowed back to her place to stay for very short times to get some things, or with others, supervising....
But it was not any officials who told her to keep out, and no notices got posted ---we told her that because of the fire, & because of the messes, etc., it was unsafe, & now that firemen had seen that, they'd report it, & the place was soon to be condemned....she believed it.
And it was probably true--if we had not prevented her returning there, they likely would have condemned the place real fast.
It's many, many kinds of miracles that place wasn't condemned decades earlier!
Sometimes you get great people with APS, sometimes they are overworked, understaffed, and just have lost perspective on what need looks like. Sometimes they are just duds who are not qualified to do the job.
Mom & dad need a cognitive eval of their activities of daily living and a neuro-psych eval. If it's as bad you describe, they are NOT FINE for the time being. You can wait until a crisis happens to force change or you can start to make change happen proactively. Call APS to make a report of vulnerable adults in unsafe housing. Call their doctor and get help, if they will cooperate. If that doc won't play ball, find another one.You will need durable power of attorney with you to get past the HIPAA and privacy restrictions.
I had to be the bad daughter and make change happen. Mom was not safe and that was the real driver behind everything. Expect a fight. Expect complaining and push-back. Expect every excuse under the sun to delay, delay, delay. You still have to do what is necessary to make them safe.
Have their forwarded to you first, so you can see what the state of the bills and other important things are. You can do this online at the USPS website. Cancel as much extra as you can - newspapers, magazines, memberships, catalogs, etc. This is an easy step to take since mom & dad don't have to see it happening and have feelings about it.
Mom & Dad need to be somewhere else so you can deal with the house. This is a perfect time to get them into assisted living based on their care needs. It might be easier on everyone if they go stay somewhere and not have to see their things being touched, moved, thrown, and donated or sold. In their minds, their house is still as they left it.
I tried to do this with mom underfoot and it was painful and overly slow at best. I should have done this in two stages: 1-move Mom, 2-deal with house & stuff.
I didn't have that much time off though, so it had to be in one go. Losing her precious, precious piles was like an amputation for her.
I had already toured and picked a place ahead of time. The movers were scheduled. It was a done deal without her involvement. Move day came, her stuff (way too much of it) went on the truck. She went in my car, and we hit the road. 1800 miles and 3 days later, she was at my house. Almost a month after that she was in her senior apartment. Her choice in all this was which apartment do you want - left side or right side of the hallway?
She had 20 meals in the dining room each month, the option to have it brought to her, an on-site doctor, dentist, PT, beauty shop, gift shop, field trips & activities out the wazoo. Free wifi and 55 Dish channels. An emergency cord in the bathroom and a lifealert necklace around her neck. A few weeks in, we added on medication setup & dispensing services.
Expect a prolonged adjustment period. Especially if mom & dad don't have that living away from home in a dorm/apartment experience in their past. You might not see the first signs of adjustment from either of them for 3-6months, or they could just adapt right away. There's no way to know ahead of time.
Doing nothing is not an option here. This website armed me with action steps, knowledge, and my "intervention kit" that I needed to pull all this off. I am lucky not to have brothers/sisters to get in the way, but it sure would have been nice to have more hands on the tiller, so to speak.
Mom is now safe. She wants to go home, which is normal. She has forgotten why she had to move up here. She has forgotten why she can't be alone anymore. But, she is safe, eating better than ever, is clean, and never alone.