My elderly parents treat me as their whipping board. How do I handle this?

I have been in similar situation that many of the commenters have described, though the roles may have been swapped somewhat. Behavior gets better when you distance yourself, even if you are the primary caregiver, or only caregiver. In some cases, allow other relatives to take the burden off you for two weeks at a time while you go on "vacation." This can open their eyes to the ongoing abuse that you suffer. At one point, after years in which my mother complained to me about me from sunup until she fell asleep, telling me that she wanted to go to her mother's house, or her brother's house to live (neither of whom are living), and I finally said, fine, I will call a taxi and pay for you to go anywhere you want to go as long as you don't ever come back. Total silence. Quiet behavior for several weeks, then a refusal to eat food, and in two days the refusal to drink liquids. That was it, called EMT, called her MD, got her to the hospital and into rehab and from there into a high-level dementia care at an Assisted Living facility (visited a dozen and found this as the perfect place). I have been paying for the facility while fixing and selling her house (and hope that I can recover some of that money as it came from my Retirement IRAs). I stopped this just in time. I would be dead now otherwise. I have never been so ill in all my life as I was during the years that I provided total care for my mother. If I hadn't put my foot down, she would never have reacted the way she did, but we were in a death struggle, not of my making, and neither of us deserved to be in it. She now has round-the-clock staff who have lives outside of work, who are refreshed every day and able to care for her in well-supervised ways. Best Outcome Ever. (Lesson: Age does not improve people.)

To the caregivers like me who are facing daily enormous stresses for the smallest things. We learn tolerance of others, I too stayed away due to dysfunctional family. Now, through unforeseen circumstances I have become the sole provider for both parents with dementia and numerous health challenges. I set up POA for
both health and financial matters. That has been especially important recently. Recommend that siblings include all family in a POA in the event something unexpected happens to the primary. I have no siblings or children so it has been a challenge to learn how to navigate the red tape associated with Medicare, Medicaid and insurance bureaucracy. It has been very confusing locating the right facility for their current needs. It seems that every time I thought the right choice was made it needed up as a double set back. the biggest challenge I faced in this experience is lack of a counselor who is honest and experienced in matters of elder care. And every state is different.

Yes, I do know how that feels; it´s been almost 60 years of being the SCAPEGOAT, especillay for my father who hates me! All the best to everyone

I thank everyone for having provided me with a few giggles, especially Taratem2 when she says "when I hear the term elder abuse my first response is..."where do I sign up???", hahaha!
My sibblngs and I are also dealing with 2 elders with longstanding personality disordes; my mom the controlling, manipulative SCREAMER (that´s how she gets her way), and my dad, the nasty paranoid demented father of only 1 of his 4 kids; he's the HATER (he hates me) who only truly loved my little sister who passed 9 months ago. So, besides their horrible personalities they are grieving/mourning my poor little sister, who is now Angellified & Sanctified, especially by the HATER. He is becoming very demented and asks 1 million questions about everything, doesn´t do what I tell him to do (has no respect for me whatsoever) and I am here to bring them both to live near my sister...my brother has had he HATER for 5 months & wants out! He´s been accused of stealing 50-100 thousand dollars from the HATER and I know it´s not true because the HATER also accuses me, my son & my 3 year old grandson of stealing things from him...yesterday he very descriptively accused me of "that day" when I was at his place and stole from him the size S denim jacket that my little sister supposedly gave him as a souvenir of herself...I´m a size L, but he insisted so much, and described the moment in such detail that I even wondered if I had taken it to give to my daughter as a souvenir (my daughter & sister really loved each other)...after checking with my daughter & other sister I was reassured that none of us ever saw that jacket!
They are both becoming increasingly fussy eaters and like nothing, the SCREAMER, who is still quite functional, has all these bright menu ideas, but always expecting others to do all the preparations and they both end up not liking IT...When we return home I fully intend to try and get some mild antidepressant and secrety administer it to both to see if there´s a change...I´ll take some too....they don´st want to take any meds/help & just expect us to put up with ALL their crap!
Time to stop; we are not alone, but patience is a scarce virtue these days! Hugs to all

And Babalou, I don't know if you are still following this thread, but my mom did finally see a geriatric psychiatrist. She was out of her mind in September and trying to hurt herself. She ended up being sent to a behavioral medicine unit and has followed up with a psychiatrist since her release. She is still in denial, but we do have some better meds that have helped keep her calmer.

She may not be that age. My mom is 90 and my father would have been 93. I am 50. I was the last child, several years after my siblings. That seemed to make me more tied to them than the others. Also, I am the only girl. I can totally relate to the need for approval and hope for loving parents that she is expressing. What finally helped me was to realize that I needed to protect the little girl who kept getting hurt. I consciously made a choice to leave "the little girl" behind at my house when I went to see my parents. I only took the more detached adult. Sounds new age, but it really helped me to visualize that and I cared less about making them happy, which was clearly impossible.

Golly. I cannot help but notice clarienetcathy that with parents as elderly as yours are you cannot be extremely young yourself. And you are still, still, still wanting your parents to validate you and get a pat on the head. Don't get me wrong. I understand, we all want to be appreciated and loved by our parents. You talk about forgiveness but I see that as something you grant to someone who wants it. Otherwise, at least to me, it is more letting go of bad baggage and moving forward, not constantly looking backwards. If you wish to help your parents, then do it but at this point there will be no appreciation for your efforts, no matter how self sacrificing you are. I say this gently. Try to see when you reference your childhood that you are (probably) a 60 something senior citizen yourself. If they won't parent you, take care of yourself as you wish they would. You are not a child and we don't get a do over. Best of luck to you.

My parents are 89 and 93. We had a very abusive childhood but with lots of personal work and therapy I have healed a lot and forgiven them. We used to enjoy going out with them for dinner or on the town. 1.5 years ago they moved into a seniors facility where they have a very nice apt. and get there meals. My mother has shut down almost completely except to be very critical about everything around her, the place does not seem to live up to her expectations. My father who was the meek one has become a tyrant at times with my mother, yelling at her impatiently and disrespectfully. The family dynamic with my two sibs has been dysfunctional at best. I was and am the scapegoat. Things seemed to be opening up a little but in the past year my brother has come at me abusively, my sister has walked out because she doesn't like my opinion. and now my father has taken it as his mission to tell me I don't listen, to shut my gob, zip it etc. I have been the main caregiver, because I work part time and I had forgiven them the most. I was there when they were sick this year. We take them out but my mother complains a lot about everything. I tried to help them adjust to this monumental change by visiting lots and taking treats, taking them out for lunch or dinner. I do understand it is monumental on so many levels, too monumental really at their ages - we tried to keep them in there house but they were adamant they would love this - and I understand this and feel for them. They have always been go getters but now they say they are waiting to die and even maybe they will do assisted suicide because they don't matter to anyone. It is so hard to see them give up. I have stood up to my Dad telling him I AM a good listener, a good person and that he is being very disrespectful. Every time we go now there is an insult to me or he starts in about listening which I refuse to listen to (maybe I am a bad listener haha). It is hurting me, bring old hurts from the hyper criticism of my childhood, too. I feel a wall between us now from my end at least. They have never been interested in me but this is like our childhood again. My sister has started visiting often which is great, I have been so happy that she is making them happy and sharing the load but it has swung to where it feels like they have all barricaded themselves against bad me now - again a family dynamic not seen for quite a long time. It grieves me greatly to think they will die and this will be my last memories, my last feelings for them. That inspite of all the love and care I have given them they still see nothing but bad and useless in me. This is the family system I know, but my god, it is fully active again and so hard. I hope I will be able to remember the good times we shared in the past 20 years and not this. I am trying to take the high road and keep going, strong in myself that I am worthwhile etc., but my heart aches and I don't want to go really. I feel like withdrawing fully but then they will go and I will not have been there. That seems unbearable. I want to be big enough tos ee apst this

Oh my gosh I am in this exact position. My brother goes months without calling...while I on the other hand check on them daily....and I take them a lot of food etc.....My mother has been horrible to me lately...almost to the point I want to move and not come back....I guess all I can do is not let them hurt my feelings as much...I need to put up a shield so that I don't get upset....I am thinking that they are frustrated-they can't hear as well and their health is not so good...so they may be angry about the turns their lives have made-and they are taking it out on me....I am going to call my brother and let him know once again what I am going thru...he has no idea.....

Does your mom take any medications to help her stay calm? You are in a tough position. Talk to your dad without your mom present, discuss together how best to care for mom, you can seek the advise of professionals. Call your local area agency on aging for caregiving information. While your mom is declining, she may be capable enough to complete advance directives which would be her voice should she become unable to speak about the care she would want. With your mom declining, she may not be able to make decisions for herself, dad may need to step in. Do you think she is ready for a care facility? You can ask the AAA questions on nursing home care, how to pay for it, etc. When was mom's last complete check up? If it's been a while, then she is due for one, let her doctor know your concerns. The AAA also has in home programs that can provide in home care providers if she qualifies. When a loved one is ill, and becomes unable to make decisions, family must make decisions for them and those decisions must be based on what is in her best interest. Good luck.

getnfroggy36, how old are you, your intended and his mother? This is really a different subject that the one that started this thread, but being married, the only way it works is if you and your spouse put each other first and are in each other's camps. And if this is a second or third marriage, it is even dicier. It sounds like your future MIL is a danger to herself. It's HIS mother so I would let him handle it. If she needs to be put in a safer environment, you can help him with the admin. part but don't be alone with her. I too have seen the feces on things in the bathroom with my grandfather years ago. On the shower curtain. How would it even get there? Who knows, but anyone who would do what you are describing is not going to logically and honestly tell you what they are doing. If you are taking on a situation where you will be the caretaker to an indigent person who is not related to you and you are going to be expected to deal with this, then realize this is your life and you are signing up for it. No complaining about it later. Eyes wide open. Sounds like you are marrying chaos and if she is elderly, then you are (like probably most of us here) no spring chicken yourself. Date the guy but do not become his elderly mother's unpaid CNA.

My Mother In Law to be poo's no less than four times a day and I am finding poo on the potty. If I tell her, I'm afraid she'll just wipe it with a tissue instead of using the disinfectant spray that's in the bathroom. I'm also grossed out cause I don't think that she's washing her hands thoroughly, and I keep picturing poo bacteria on everything. And, the worst or it is that she's washing herself and rinsing the poo wash rags in the sink without cleaning the sink after. When I saw all the poo in the sink and showed her she denied and then after she finally admitted to it, she said she wasn't "miss's clean like me" and that she wasn't going to clean the sink after she did this. Whenever I or her son tell her about things she did, she lies and denies.. I am going crazy. What do I do.

30 some years ago after my divorce from a huge narcissist who I had been wondering for all of our 13 year marriage HOW I married someone so different from my father, the therapist observed "you blame you mother so much more than your dad. He is in it up to his eyeballs". Bingo. And I also came to realize that I was like my dad and my now - thank GOD - ex husband IS my mother. I was so un-evolved at the time I thought women married men like their dads and I thought I had a great dad. My mother was such a b*tch and still is btw and I thought he was a saint. But the net effect for us kids and particularly me, the scapegoat, was bad. He abdicated responsibility and got to 'LOOK LIKE THE SAINT' whereas she always was the one we talked about who was a serial shopper, or spoiled or didn't appreciate what a great life she had. In other words, he got as much - admiration, self gratification for being a great provider (and he never sacrificed anything for himself except for, well, his gonads in time!) - as she did. They have been married 63 years. People become MORE of who they have always been, not less. I have developed quite a thick hide after years of verbal, mental, emotional and some physical abuse and I am no longer having it. My mother's father had a real reputation for being abusive and manipulative; we never really knew him. My mother would from one side of her mouth say bad things about him when I was growing up and from the other side, say things like 'high school was the best time of my life' (she was a prom queen type) and 'we had a wonderful family'. I grew up in the kind of family that took the 'fun' out of dysfunctional. It was for me, h*ll. Thankfully, a good therapist is worth his or her weight in gold. The irony is that since I got a clue 30-some years ago I have been increasingly immune to my whiny mother's manipulations and my dad's 'I don't have a clue' behavior. They held my feet to the fire even as a very little kid and now when I am tempted to think of them as 'harmless' old people I remember they are the people willing to abuse a tiny, helpless child. They provided the basics for survival to me (actually from the outside, since we had money, it would have seemed like a lot more than that, but I never thought of their stuff as mine. It was theirs. As was I). I am willing, if need be, to do the same for them. Basics. Warm and dry. Do not misunderstand. I do not hate them or bear a grudge towards them. I just took off the rose colored glasses and see things as they really are.
My sister, 15 years younger, grew up in a fairly different household. By the time she was a teenager I was 30 and had three kids of my own. My father retired at 50 and was, with my mother country-clubbing it a lot. No time for my sister, who was crowned "Class Wildest" in 1988 - no small feat for a girl in a class of 700! She was left to her own devices and it wasn't good. Years later, my mother cites my sister's 'hyperthyroidism' for her behavior. Well, thyroid disease runs in our family; I have it too. Sorry, Mom, this doesn't explain it. But could she ever, or he, hold themselves personally accountable for any bad outcome? All is well that ends well, I guess. So they think. My sister, now married for a long time (to a chronic cheater and with two very wild kids who are teenagers of her own) has a masters degree in nursing and is, really, a sweet person. She learned the candy coating technique too; called me - she lives close to them and I moved away years ago - telling me how much my mother misses me and cries all the time. I know what she misses - drama and a convenient punching bag. When a vacuum is created there is no air in the room. I have been out of her life for two years. She is out of new, bad things to say about me and needs more narcissistic supply. I felt nothing and almost laughed. Crying? Give me a break. Again, I am not angry but I am resolved and adamant. My sister asked me what she wants me to do if 'anything happens to them'. I told her let me know what the arrangements are and also, If I need to chip in on anything or if my siblings need my help. My parents have enough money to be safe, well cared for and well fed. If your situation is anything like this, run, don't walk, toward your own happy, well adjusted life. You only get one.

A good song with a good motto. Thanks. I will do the best I can, as always. :)

I have found that the song" Let It Go" is a great mantra. My 96 year old mom doesn't trust my medical or financial help. The fact that I have saved her life a couple of times, doesn't matter. (she had a cerebral hemorrhage and MD's were going to give up on her). After much thinking and agonizing about when the next bad things happened I have learned to "let it be" and when it happens, it happens and I will be there and do the best I can. Hope this helps.

I understand and feel better knowing other adult children are trying to deal with their difficult parents with later life issues. My brother took his life years ago so I am the youngest (no matter that I grew up!) and don't have a great relationship with either parent after the death of my brother. We were close, they had Advance Directives and my brother was to carry out their wishes. Now my mother can't remember where she is most days and my father has paranoid issues that neither are being properly handled. Their neighbor has called the county who thinks they are covering up things but wants them to be left alone. Talked to her Dr. too who says she has long-term memory loss and is taking med to prolong more. Will not get back other memory. She falls, he says he's going to leave her on occasions for the past 2 years. He said I am not longer his child, has called me many names, and will not accept my new boyfriend after divorcing for the past 3 years. I was told by the county not to get a lawyer because my father doesn't trust me already. I don't trust them. Try to communicate once a week since I live 15 min. away but they don't respond correctly and make it generally impossible to help them. Have gone to mental help support groups and believe my mother has dementia and not sure what he has but the main thing is how long before something bad happens. I think I will worry about my life now and yes it may be easier raising your children. Time will tell.

Babalou, my mom comes from a generation or family where they don't talk about problems to anyone in the outside world. The current plan is for her doctor to suggest it at her next appointment. It would go better if the doctor suggests it than if I do. She would resent me for taking her. As some dementia symptoms are appearing on top of her depression, she is getting very stubborn but she is with it enough to get very mad if she thinks I am stepping in on her business. Thanks for the hug!

Coping, why won't mom go to a geriatric psychiatrist? How about you don't tell her it's a geriatric psychiatrist.? Right before you leave for a nice lunch out you say, oh we're going to stop by dr, p ' s office or something like that. How would that work? You have to think outside the box .

Once a person is admitted to skilled care, their doctor normally will refuse to release them.

I would say a new phrase that I learned today. "stop volunteering to be their victim"

My mom was recently placed in skilled care after living independently in her home prior to her stroke. She has cognitive issues, failing heart, seizure disorder to name a few other health issues. She wants me to take her back to her house to visit. I am afraid to take her home because she is so strong willed and stubborn. I fear she won't leave to go back to the nursing home to get her medications. How have other people handled this situation?

Still learning this medium. I think I replied in the wrong place first My mother would never agree to go to a geriatric psychiatrist. Her regular doctor is aware of her severe depression and trying to treat it.

My Mom, who is 96 has a history of being mean. It is all about her. She did not attend my wedding because she didn't approve, she did not attend my sister's son's baptism because my sister moved, I can go on, and on and on. So at 96 she lives by herself, has a assistant during the day and every other weekend I drive from NJ to NY to spend time with her and do her finances, etc. So, this weekend we had a blow out argument as he doesn't trust me with her finances, she wants to see a lawyer to make sure I follow through with her wishes. I have always keep her in the loop, with copies of bank statements, telling her what is going on etc. She is very well competent. Anyway, after driving 1.5 hrs. to see her and spending time with her after our argument she dismissed me and told me "you can go home now". So I did and have not called her since Sat. I am done, really done, It has been years (my sister has since passed and I am it). She will not call me and right now I will not contact her. So Happy Holidays everyone, this sucks, but it is what it is.

Dear Coping, Welcome! Has your mom ever been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

I am so happy to have found this. I have cared for my elderly parents since they moved near me 6 years ago. My father had dementia and has passed away. My mother has mood swings, depression, irrational behavior, etc. I understand what you are going through. I have no answers for you because I am in the trenches myself, but reading what you are going through helps me know I am not alone. I appreciate the answers others have posted here. I know that for me the hardest part is not taking it personally. When she is raging at me, she makes me feel worthless and she certainly acts like she believes it. So hearing that "she doesn't really mean it" is very hard to believe. But I just keep telling myself that if she were in her right mind and watching herself as a character in a movie, she would think that character was behaving badly and that the daughter didn't deserve it. Unfortunately, real life doesn't match that, but it helps just a little sometimes.

Yep. Mom is BPD, most likely Bi-polar, and Narcissistic. She's 92 and shows her ugliest side to me and adorable oh so nice side to everyone else. Whatever I say, she puts down. If I share my own trials of the day, she minimizes them totally. She has no feelings for me and it really hurts every day. My best days are when I am not with her. I too have a brother who doesn't care. A sister who has her own huge challenges and can't deal with my mother. My Dad has remarried decades ago. Mom's old x husbands, and boyfriends are either dead or in a home.

I try to find comfort in humor but she still makes me raging mad. I hold it in until I am back in my own space and try to let it out in various ways: cussing to myself, talking to myself, calming myself with music, going for a walk, calling a friend who care about me. Got to share yesterday's things.

Since I have been caring for her too many days a week with no pay I know must find a job. I want to work in a low stress and fun kind of grocery store. I wanted to go food shopping there, drop off my resume, and take Mom there to enjoy it.
She knows I am applying for work there. So we buy some great coffee and sit down and I am trying to make eye contact and smile at the people who work there. Mom is oblivious and is enjoying a donut.
"Here have one, I bought two so you can have one."
I said, "Sorry. I have given up eating wheat, remember."
"Oh, you can have some."
"No I don't want any, thanks. It looks delicious. You enjoy it."
hmmph! picture drama qeen reactions.
She looks around at the various people. Two are overweight, one is in her 50s or 60s. 'Well," she says with her air of the delusional entitled in a voice I am sure they can hear because they are only two feet away, "look at the people here. They don't look like much. Ordinary, nothing special. I am sure YOU can work here!"

frustrated2, you have put it very well - forgiving does not mean you accept abuse. No one is anyone else's lawful prey, ever. So, forgive - it is best for your spiritual, physical and mental health, but at the same time refuse to be abused. And, in situations where necessary, deal practical consequences - for example, you can forgive a parent who sexually abuses you, but at the same time report them to protect other innocent victims.

It saddens me to read story after story of this type of 'agony'. People who do the right thing getting betrayed by siblings. My father, (age 87), who has survived my later mother, favors my younger sister/only sibling. She is a lesbian, living for decades with her life partner, a very successful family counselor/psychologist. My sister owns a lovely house she rents out, while she lives in a million-dollar home with her partner. My sister wants for nothing. Yet she cranks my father for money and possessions. She got the bulk of my mother's impressive gold jewelry collection, which she immediately liquidated, by telling my father she needed dental work (which didn't get done, it's been 3 years now). Dad feels so sorry for sis because 'she doesn't have a man in her life', as I do, a husband who's retirement annuity will go to his ex-wife should he precede me in death, and he's 5 years older than I am. I live in the same town as my father and see him twice a week without fail (he lives independently), and my sister is 350 miles away, visiting once or twice a year. While we have a family trust, dad also has a bank account in both of our names, in separate banks. Sister's account earns more interest, because, lord knows, she needs it. While I would like to imagine that sister gives a rat's patoot about dad, I know that whenever she talks about him, it's about the physical and verbal abuse he and my mother heaped on her after I left home (and thus deprived them of their whipping girl). Sis really could care less, but has convinced dad that she's 'oh so sensitive' and can barely stand to go through things related to his hospitalization or our mother's memorial service (which sister didn't attend because she couldn't stand to hear people say nice things about our actually awful late mother). While nothing on the earth will prevent my father from favoring my duplicitous sister. I will continue to be dutiful and respectful. Sometimes life is like that.

Redhed I agree with you. Forgiving does not mean that you are supposed to be a doormat and be abused. POA should go hand in hand with the care giving aspect of things. If you are not able to properly 'care' for her, meaning also paying with her funds for the things she needs, then you should not have this yoke around you neck. You have to come to terms within yourself that what you have done and are doing for her is out of - if not love - then duty and doing the 'right thing' regardless of her behavior. She is safe and in a place appropriate for her condition. Hand it over and have a life.

If your brother has PoA, call him and tell him you will stop caring for your parents unless this is given to you. If he refuses, know he will take evverything and leave. Let him burn thru his inheritance by placing them in professional care. You are about to knock yourself out for nothing. Dont do it. They dont care about you enough to treat you fairly, walk away.