My father had a stroke and is driving even though the doctor told him he could not for some time. What options do I have?

When my married couple friends would not stop driving after their licenses were revoked, I called Adult Protective Services. They sent someone to interview them and check up on them. I made sure I was there first to explain someone was coming to check on how they were doing after someone made the call and that they had to do this as part of their job. The husband sounded credible for the first 2 minutes or so and then began repeating himself. When he was asked about how they did their shopping, he explained they drove, like usual. When reminded that their licenses were revoked, he acted very surprised and when later asked what he thought they should do with their car, he said "sell it and get some money out of it." At that point, I was able to get the keys (which he had refused to give me a week earlier) and move the car to a friend's garage until we could get it ready to sell. Having APS help me was essential. I had called them to ask for advice about this and they took over and solved it for me. I then would take them shopping once a week and to any appointments they had. 2 months later, we got an early morning phone call explaining that "both their cars were gone!" My wife explained why and he quickly shut up about it, not wanting to admit to about his failing memory. A family friend had called the DMV about the wife's driving and they could never complete the required testing, so her license went first. His eye doctor called the DMV because of my friend's dementia/memory issues and he could not qualify for a road test either, so his license was revoked. Getting the keys and moving the car was the final remedy.

Since the doctor's advise was for temporary removal of his privilege, take off a tire, confiscate the keys and tell him that he would hurt deeply if he caused anyone else pain from a tragedy he created by driving when at risk of secondary stroke. Tell him this isn't a power struggle, it is common sense and his juvenile behavior is a threat to his financial and emotional security. Worked (for a short period) with my mother who has late stage dementia.

It's amazing some of the wild ideas some seniors will come up with trying to keep driving. My Dad [in his 90's] had a winner of one.

Dad: I have a great idea about driving.

Me: What is it?

Dad: I will have your Mother drive.

Me: Dad, Mom is now legally blind [she had macuar degeneration]

Dad: No problem, I can tell her when to Stop, when to drive, when to make a turn.

Me: Ah, Dad, are you forgetting something?

Dad: What?

Me: Mom is deaf [my Mom was 98 years old and over the years was losing her hearing].

I've heard even if you take the tires off, they will not notice, they'll STILL bumble out there and get in and try to drive! And some of them, against all odds, are still wiley enough to call a mechanic or AAA to 'fix' the car! Either get the keys or disappear the car while they're away. Be sure to get the pink slip.

within every state there is an official state office called "Driver Control" which deals with such issues. You will need to call the state department of motor vehicles to get the contact information. They will send you paper work to have the Dr. fill out as to why the individual should not be driving. The paperwork will be sent to Driver Control office and they will contact you to set up a time for a hearing. If the Dr. has provided sufficient information as to why your loved one should not be driving, then thru the hearing process your loved one's license will be revoked.

Lock up all vehicle keys and take away his driver's license and his registration for the vehicle.

He is not listening to you. Find out where he keeps his car keys and take them away. He suddenly has a spare set of keys that you didn't know about, sugar in the petrol tank will do it or disconnect the battery. Yes, it is hard and ruthless and all that. Next time he could not only kill himself but another person. You don't say how old he is, but elderly peoples reaction time is much slower than ours, regardless of how well he feels. He is a danger on the road, to himself and others. All the best, Arlene Hutcheon

To OP and all who responded:
Although it sounds reasonable to get doctor, DMV, police, patient or whoever to agree, this is not likely to happen. There was no mention of dementia, so it would sound like once the doctor "approves" him, this gentleman could go back to driving.

Also OP did not mention dad's age - a stroke is not necessarily a death sentence or "permanent", and he just *might* be okay to drive IN THE FUTURE. THAT is up to his doctor, but he *should* not be driving until the doctor okays it.

The problem with using doctors, police, DMV is that most of them DO NOT WANT TO GET INVOLVED! Our mother's doctors would not contact DMV or even write a letter. Family member in police/dispatch says police only tend to get involved AFTER the fact. It is understandable that these people would have to do the nasty, and do not want to be responsible (and are they just going to take YOUR word for gospel???) As for the patient, MOST, no matter what the condition, are not going to agree. Some won't remember that they did agree...

That said, even if you DID get one or more of them to agree, consider the fact that dad already did NOT listen to his doctor. People who lose license for DUIs and other reasons sometimes STILL drive - illegal, but they do it anyway! The APS route JohnnyJ suggested is a possibility, BUT this will only work if the person is willing to accept this, agree and stop driving. Too often someone with dementia might "agree", but 5 minutes later does not recall one word of the discussion much less the agreement.

Our mom was already having hearing and vision issues, but the onset of dementia was the final straw. There was NO help from the doctors other than to say to her 'you should not be driving' and there was NO reasoning with her. Losing the car, bringing in aides to help, move to AL, whatever - "I'm independent. I can cook. I can take care of myself. I only go a little way to the store." NOPE. Mom, if you go two feet and hit someone, game over... it did not matter, she was still going to drive.

My younger brother did the "talk" and took the keys, with mom looking like a 5 year old having her toys taken away. On the way out, I told him I know she has another set of keys, can you disable the car? He took the battery cable off. THAT was enough to stop HER temporarily. The next day I got the nasty call to bring her keys back (I usually get the blame for things!). I *could* honestly say I never touched your keys. To her query 'who did then' I just said you're so smart, you figure it out. The NEXT day was the nastier call demanding I come down right now and fix whatever I did to her car. Again I could honestly say I did not touch your car. Embellished with I don't know why it won't work (that was the little white lie...), I'm not a mechanic. Given a little time she might have figured out to call a local place to have it towed and 'get it fixed'. We had to take it 'to the mechanic' for her... ;-D (make it disappear)

She had a few expensive accidents years before the dementia set in, but a combination of her asking to fix a flat (it was NOT just flat, the tire was split from the rim to the ground!), white stripes on the front fenders from going in/out of the garage and other minor damage, I told my brothers we need to take this away. For a long time she moaned and complained (notices of cancellation from insurance did not help as they reminded her - that happened before I was able to fully get all bills/paperwork sent to me) about the loss, and this eventually became 'giving up her wheels' being a mistake... Giving up? Sure mom, go on and believe that!

Anyway, disabling the car might work temporarily for this gentleman or others, however if he/they is/are minimally car savvy he/they can fix whatever you disable (**NIX** that sugar in the gas tank idea - if the car has ANY value, THAT will ruin it, and as others have stated it is NOT your car - this could result in legal charges and would be wrong anyway in this case where he might get approval to drive again). Disable something he might not be able to figure out, get the keys and move it to a place "to be fixed" that his FRIEND cannot find. Box it in so it cannot be moved, or better yet, get "The Club" - that steering wheel locking device - it IS cheap and effective. It will not matter if anyone still has a key to the car - YOU will have the key to The Club. I'm sure there are locksmiths that could unlock the car if keys are missing AND can probably defeat this tool as well, so it would probably be best to MOVE the car to a location they are not aware of AND install the club until doctor says okay.

If the car is currently/generally locked, try to weasel the key with a bogus request - want to check the registration, be sure it is up to date, or I left something in your car, need to get it, some way to get in and then install the club... no driving. Rant and rave all you want, talk to your doctor and wait for his ok!

Bottom line, it is best if YOU take the action NOW. There is no time to wait for doctors/DMV/police/APS to decide - those can be brought into play AFTER you get the car away (to those who argue this isn't your car, so long as you have a reasonable reason to intervene and have discussions with doc, police or whoever to back you up, I don't see any judgement being handed down to you for potentially saving one or more lives!!! You need to do the RIGHT thing - it could be one of your own loved ones who pay the price!)

The short answer is take the keys and tell the friend you do not appreciate them overriding the doctors orders and should he have an accident and kill someone when he is not suppose to be driving contemplate how HE HIMSELF will feel and is he ready to accept the responsibility because you will have no alternative but to let the authorities know what he has done.

Sounds mean, but unfortunately you will feel mean more than once when caring for your elderly parent and having to go against their wishes.

disgustedtoo, I was thinking the same thing, we don't know how old the father is of the original writer.

The father could be only in his 50's and 60's, and the "do not drive" is temporary, a recovery period so to speak.

Come to think of it, the father had the stroke only last week, yet is able to walk, talk, get around, and even get in his car to drive.

Your father is an adult , over 18 and had rights so it is hard deny them to drive. The insurance is a good point. Not valid. Get documentation from doctor, when he drives go to police and show them that, have dads info, car tags, car description, name, age, ect and have them pick your father up and hold him till you get there. Have someone with you to drive his car home. That's about all you can do unless you get guardianship or his license revoked for 6 months. But then people drive all the time without.

This is very serious. DMV will take too long and elder may disregard that anyway. Take all car keys. Disable the car. Put the "friend" on notice. ASAP.

JNHKid, it's been 4 days since your wrote your original question and haven't been back since. Hope everything is ok. If you could answer some of our questions, that would be gratefully appreciated :)

Your father has rights and most of this information people are giving you is illegal for you to do. It is stealing and if you take their car and or sell it can be grand theft. An attorney will verify this. This is where I got this info from about the legal side of taking car, and keys See if you can get temp guardianship pertaining to his car, driving and license. Then you can do what is necessary for that amount of time pertaining to his driving and car. I say this because I have talked to my local county attorney pertaining to my mother.
As most of these answers say dismantle or disable the car. Well some will call AAA, tow truck or just figure it out themselves if they have knowledge of cars but then they can just go buy another car. Some people have the credit or the cash to do so. TALK TO YOUR COUNTY ATTORNEY AND THE DMV and insurance company. Get informed how to do it legally. Paper trail, paper trail, paper trail. Get that prescription from his doctor for not driving if your allowed to get info from his doctor.
Remind him you absolutely do not want him to loose his license. BUT if some bad thing happens while he is not suppose to be driving the ability to drive will be taken away and there will be nothing he or you can do to help him and most adults to not want this to happen. NO ONE , especially the elderly wants to lose their ability to drive that's their independence.

We don't actually know how old the OP's father is, even. You can have a stroke at pretty much any age; and God willing he will recover in time.

First to MS Randell, please do NOT start and drive the car before having the gas tank completely flushed so you don't destroy the car. Yes sugar will damage the engine, not while driving out after when the sugar cools and the sludge hardens to a ROCK HARD consistency. The ONLY remedy will be a COMPLETE engine replacement.

Second the easiest way to keep your dad from drive it to take the key and the car away from him. Have it stored somewhere he doesn't know about. Cancel all but the compensation insurance on the car.

Please see:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/taking-the-keys-what-to-do-if-mom-or-dad-won-t-give-them-up-112307.htm

This article makes many of the same recommendations others have posted here, starting with getting the person to agree to give up (NOT likely in most cases), how some doctors may TRY to help (many either do not want to get in the middle OR consider those with dementia who are "show-timers" - doc may not fully understand in that 15m you get how bad mom or dad really is!) , DMV, etc. It does touch on police, but recommends against that. Details are in the article.
Towards the end it does mention taking action yourself. Given that ANY of the other options WILL TAKE TIME AND often will NOT prevent driving anyway, ask yourself this - given a choice of explaining to the police why you have taken your family member's car away (NOT stolen, removed access!!!) OR living with the death of another person/people, which would you choose? That simple action of taking the car away could save lives - your family member, or even worse, another family, a mother or father of young children, or even a child/children on the sidewalk or crossing the street!! Would you want to have THAT on your conscience? I would choose the removal of the car EVERY TIME. Certainly follow up with the other options, which will substantiate your claim and the SENSIBLE need to take action.

Bottom line - if you really feel this person is a danger to themselves and others if they drive, TAKE THE CAR AWAY.

Also consider this: unless the person has the mental capacity left to call the police, who is going to report that you took the car away? Our mother never did, yet being told not to, she would not remember it anyway and would just say they don't know what they are talking about.

Do the right thing - remove access (again, even if doc, DMV, police, whoever, tells the person before some calamity happens not to drive, THEY WILL NOT BE THERE TO STOP THEM FROM DRIVING, will they?) The wheels of bureaucracy are very slow, and might come too late. I would suspect the OP's dad might even be beyond the 60-90 days the doctor said before any of those other options panned out! In his case, the doctor already said no, but we see where that went, eh?

The thing is, they want to drive around. But they don't even remember where they're drive TO, or for WHAT. They get behind the wheel of this engine of destruction and talk to dead people and blow through stop signs and red lights like Mr. Magoo. My mother used to wear dark glasses all the time because bright light hurt them - she was driving on the highway, at night, wearing dark glasses - forgot to take them off. I know this because she told me, laughing, ha ha ha.

I just hope I'm not the other person driving on the road when he's behind the wheel of his auto. What has happened routinely as people age is that they throw fits about having to give up their license to operate a weapon-a motor vehicle. Those were my late Mother's words, e.g. "a car is a weapon." And she was right! I didn't have any problem with her giving up her DL. Actually she knew that at the start of her macular degeneration, she said "I took my car out for the last time today and backed it into the driveway and parked it for good."

Countrymouse: I know that you meant well, but the reality is people who have suffered a stroke-either an ischemic or hemorrhagic, depending on age, health and other risk factors either #1 recover with minimal impact on their lives, #2 recover to partially be able to function to their former selves or #3 worse case scenario-decease. That, in no way, is meant to diminish the sincerity of your post. God willing, of course we want the person to fully recover.

My late Mother's sister was another story. She HAD to get to her weekly hairdresser appt. She got confused (as often happens with elders) and instead of putting the vehicle in reverse, drove right into her own apartment bldg. When my mother  asked "what happened to your face, Phyllis?" It was all bloody and my aunt say "oh, nothing happened." C'mon now, really!

DISABLE THAT CAR IN WHATEVER WAY YOU CAN - OTHERWISE PAY FOR RADIO ANNOUNCEMENTS WHERE HE IS SO MY FAMILY ISN'T NEAR - HOPE THIS IS CLEAR

UM. let the Dr be the 'bad guy' here and report to DMV - he is the professional, and your dad will get over being mad at the doctor, but may find it unforgiveable to be turned in to DMV (and turned against) by a family member.
If Dr doesn't have time to report to DMV, see if DMV had a temporary medical form that you can print and have the dr sign OR if they don't have that as an option ----
here is a little bit of trickery ---- get the doctor to sign the DMV papers for a temporary handicap pass for your Dad --- then put that in his car. The temp passes are often a different color than the permanent passes, and you may be able to deter him from driving by telling him that color handicap pass will let police know he shouldn't be driving yet..... He can be in the car, but if pulled over and his name associated with that pass, he has to have someone else driving him. (believe it or not, this trick worked with someone, and after several months of being driven around, they realized they felt safer not driving themselves after that, it also allowed them to keep their car, which is of great psychological value)

My father was very sick, and the doctor told him he could NOT drive, but he did it anyway, and he wanted to take my mom and move from MN to TX. I was scared and unsure what to do. I called the MN State dept of motor vehicle and found out that the doctor can pull the license, so I called the doctor and had him submit the forms. My dad had to try and pass a driving test, which he failed, to get license back. He was a stubborn prideful man, and this was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I knew I had to do something. He died a few months later. He could have killed my mom at any point. This was very hard to do, but I am so glad I did. Talk to your dad's doctor at least to ask them to contact your state. At least if your dad passes, you can feel better about his driving. If he fails, then you know it was the right thing to do to keep him and others safe. Good luck!

On another note - my dad was furious, but he was not mad at me! Just like the other folks said, your dad can blame the doctor. The doctor has a responsibility here, so put it back on them!