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My mother is 83 and is relatively healthy, yet complains and whines about everything and anything you can think of. I know friends who have lost parents and would do anything to have one more day with them. And then I listen to my mother flip out over not having enough chocolate in the house or not having enough money to buy something on QVC even though she buys stuff on those channels constantly and it's always stuff she doesn't need and never uses.


I was watching TV with her and they were showing the devastation in the Bahamas from Hurricane Dorian and she starts talking about not having chocolate again and how "at her age" she shouldn't have to worry about money or buying what she wants. The complaining turns into hours and hours of lost time each day and week as she will interrupt anything and everything to talk about herself and what is bothering her this minute. Trying to be a good, understanding son is useless. I can bend over backwards 24/7 for her trying to make her happy and she will find something else to complain about or make me feel guilty about or point out something I forgot to get her when I was at a store or grocery shopping. If she has to wait more than a day for something, I'll hear about how she's been "asking me forever" to get her something.


If I keep her company watching TV, she'll turn off something without any consideration as to whether or not I was interested in seeing it. If I record something and watch it and she's "not in the mood to see this" - off it goes. If I say I'll watch it on another tv in the house, I'll be asked what's wrong with me and why don't I want to spend any time with her. It's always what she wants to watch, what she wants to talk about, what she wants to vent about - and I'm supposed to understand because "I'm 83 - I should get to watch and eat and do what I want at this age! I sacrificed enough for you and your brother!" She moved to the suburbs with my dad, who passed away 25 years ago, she never learned to drive and hates where she lives but never wants to move elsewhere. She blames my brother and I for living where we do. She blames us for everything - if she's not feeling well, it's because my brother or I aggravated her two weeks ago and it's "still having an effect on me." If she doesn't like what she's eating it turns into "if you had bought me xyz last week, I would be enjoying something right now instead of THIS."


She has no friends anymore - she alienated all of them years ago. Her grandkids live in Florida and want nothing to do with her (it's all their fault, according to her), what few remaining family members she has left haven't talked to her in years.


Yet I am living with this person because I promised my ailing father in 1994 that I would take care of her. I never knew it would turn into the nightmare it is. This is going to sound crazy, but I sometimes think that maybe I died years ago and this is hell. That's what being around her is like. Hell on Earth. If anyone remembers The Sopranos, she is like Livia Soprano times ten - a mean-spirited, unappreciative nightmare who thinks she's smarter and better than everyone else - and entitled to be treated like a queen despite treating others like dirt. I saw how she treated my brother's ex-wife and vowed to never put another woman through that, and as a result have lost out on relationships, short and long term, because I don't want anyone else to have to suffer. I feel like I'm waiting for her to die before my life can really start and meanwhile I'm 50 and my life revolves around work and taking care of her. I am miserable and depressed and I hate feeling like this and I'm tired of taking care of someone so miserable and angry and hurtful.


I see postings on here and I feel bad for anyone in such a situation. But please know you are not alone. If anyone has any suggestions on how to cope, a book or article(s) to read or anything that can help on a day to day basis, I would be so grateful. Thank you.

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im glad I found this posting. I’m going through the same thing. My dad died 2 months ago of breathing complications (I think lung cancer ate away at him for a year, slowly taking his strength, cognitive ability, and shut his organs down): 2 days before his 85th birthday; his decline about a year - before that he was so active and brilliant. I was the only person who recognised he was more ill than he let on and only one beside him when he died. My mother wouldn’t listen that he needed help when he was alive, wouldn’t work with me to help him, wouldn’t even begin to realise we were going to lose him. All she cared about was her “keep” that she got every Friday (dad worked hard all his life so my mother had nothing to worry about). Im 34. And always knew I had an older father than most people my
age. In school I knew that my dad was older than my friends . And always had in my mind to look after mum if any thing happens. Mum can’t read or write very well and after every menopausal argument she started during my childhood, after the verbal/mental/physical abuse
she would turn on the waterworks and plead me not to leave if “anything happened to daddy”

seems poignant my fav films are pinoccio and what happened to baby Jane. I was always closer to my father. And without him I’m finding my mother unbearable. I promised dad I would look after her too. And once he died instead of grief, I had to keep my head together to sort out everything ordinarily the widow would sort - the funeral, all the paperwork, cancelling things, changing things, over seeing the finances, contacting pensions/transfers/insurances, allowing my mother to have my dog for company so she’s not lonely (like giving up my child), worrying about her despite the fact all my mum cares about is herself. She doesn’t see how her selfishness hurts me. How she will be 2 faced. Arrogant Defiant. Then come crying that I don’t leave her after she’s pushed me away

shes thrown letters away that Iv needed to sort, thrown numbers/sympathy cards away because she doesn’t want to remember “daddy’s gone”. She doesn’t get why she couldn’t see him before he died (even though she knew he had 24 hours to live once we were told - she said she would go home and see him in the morning). Or after he died (covid Lockdown = no one could view bodies). She now feels guilt after all the aggravation and aggression she put him thru before he died. She wants help from neighbours and her sister but before that she always made out they were snooty or bullies.

I see now how much is a manipulative bithc she’s always been. And I can’t take how my life will be on pause and swallowed by her dependency now until she passes
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I need to say one simple thing here It does not matter if you made a promise many years ago to take care of this woman. I truly believe when you did make that promise, you felt guilty and had to promise but at the time you surely did not foresee what the actuality of the situation would be and how awful and hurtful and painful it would be for you. I will say it again and again until it sinks in. When people's attitude, behaviors, and general needs start taking a heavy toll on their caretaker and their families and lives, and nothing medically or otherwise will fix the situation, then you must, must, must re-evaluate the situation and if necessary, you remove them and place them where they are cared for and safe. And you can always keep in touch and keep tabs on them. You have only one life to live and this is your time. Do not let someone like this destroy it and you.
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Vinman31,

The way I got help was with my sister, who kindly saw my decay and came in to assist me. We ended up changing cities in order to be closer to my sister.
Once we were together (same city close neighborhood), my sister saw what I had been dealing with for the prior 7 years. Although she knew how my mother was before getting ill, she had not seen on a daily basis how difficult she had become, and continued worsening.

We automatically assumed the roles of bad cop good cop.

Mother had absorbed me completely. She was a total "black-hole", carrying a dark cloud over her head all the time. She went from being a very positive individual to a negative one. She went from independent lady to completely dependent on us for everything. Her controlling self became much more controlling as her paranoia took over. Her delusions became very insulting to both of us. We learnt we had to go with the flow and avoid taking it personal.

It might be too late to "establish boundaries". When the illness takes over, they have no logic. They can not think straight, so do not argue, it will just agitate her. There is NO "teaching them a lesson" kind of thing. You can not!!! they do not have logic anymore!!!

If she falls, it might be worse for you. If you are not prepared to deal with all the administrative aspects. If she ends up in a skilled nursing facility, you would still need to take care of her in responsible manner.

Go away when you need a break. Just make sure you leave her well cared for.
My sister was very kind to practically force me to take breaks.

What is your mother's diagnosis? Is she LBD? if so how long has she had it?

OnlywhenLucid
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I respectfully disagree with how Xenajada is giving you her response.
I absolutely understand you.
You are NOT missing your spine. That is not compassionate to say to the caregiver who is IN the fire right now.

I understand because I went through the same exactly.
My mother had no compassion, no empathy, no understanding and throughout the path of the LBD illness (8 years) she became worse.
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vinman31 Jan 2020
Thank you for your comments and for sharing your experience. As for those who choose to insult me, I don’t pay attention to them. If someone thinks someone who served their country “has no spine” because of a couple of paragraphs I write about what I’m dealing with right now, then they are not worth responding to. I appreciate your kind words and that you understand what this hell is like.

You hit on something I have to keep reminding myself of - that I cannot teach her a lesson. That she’s not going to suddenly “realize” what she’s like and suddenly change as a result. Your advice to go away when I can and take breaks when I can is advice I’ve been trying to follow for awhile now. It helps and I find it’s good to have something to look forward to - no matter how big or small - especially when my mother is negative 24/7, which is always the most exhausting. Thank you again for your very helpful, kind words.
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You should at least DATE. You definitely need to get out of the house at least one evening a week and do something fun for yourself. If your mom decides to "punish" you by throwing herself into the floor and breaking a bone, that's on her and is a surefire way to put herself on the path to the nursing home.

Forget your promise made to your dad. FORGET IT. Those promises ruin lives.

I recommend seeing an orthopedist because your spine is missing! :-)

Seriously though, you should see a good therapist and learn to establish boundaries. SO WHAT if your mom bi+ches! She's miserable and she's gonna complain. Your only "obligation" to her is to ensure that her NEEDS are met.
Let her watch TV alone. Leave the room when she starts complaining and whining. Tell her you are NOT going to stay and listen. Trust me, you do this a few times and she will catch on.
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I too am dealing with an 83 year old mother that’s a manipulative narcissist. I find it impossible to believe that your father would want you to sacrifice and suffer. My father just died in October and she only misses his income. I can’t imagine being married 53 years and shedding a tear. We have taken the first step by getting her in-house nursing. Our goal is to find her a home fairly soon. I don’t feel by taking this action we are betraying my father, and you aren’t either. Live your life. I’m sure your miserable mother takes pleasure in your misery. Don’t let her have that.
Blessings to you

Gwen
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Dear Vinman31,
I just went through exactly the same personality. My mother too was exactly what you described how yours is. I relocated internationally so there was much a heavy influence of the culture in that you leave home until you marry. Single adults that live with parents typically end up caring for them like you are doing. Like i idid. Mother ended up developing Lewy Body Dementia which lasted +- 8 years. She passed on dec/9.
I will continue tomorrow.
Best regards to you,

Onlywhenlucid
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Has anyone heard anything from the OP since October 31st?
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You promised your ailing father that you would take care of your mother, right? But why are you living with her? Taking care of her by getting her into assisted living is perfectly legitimate.  Who said it had to be "hands-on"?  Also, I very much doubt that such "promises" are valid - basically emotional blackmail is involved here. Weren't you trying to comfort your father? not freely undertaking the care of your mother? Time and more than time to look for IL, AL or whatever her needs are and "caretake" from a safe distance.  Sounds like your mother has been mentally ill all your life (and hers). But you cannot fix this, nor are you responsible for it.
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vinman31 Jan 2020
Rovana,
Thank you for your reply. I never thought a promise I made 25+ years ago would have involved this. It’s been overwhelming for years and only recently did I decide that this isn’t what my father had in mind. It couldn’t possibly be. It’s taken a long time for this awakening.
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I am so thankful for this forum. You are not alone, I am in a very similar situation. Somewhere on here someone suggested a book that has been tremendously helpful in dealing with parents exactly as you describe. I was fortunate and lucky that the author is a practicing psychologist with a practice 7 miles from my home. He also does skype sessions I believe. Anyhow here is the website.

http://www.paulkchafetz.com/

Hang in there and thanks for sharing your situation. Each time I read one of these it reinforces the notion that I am not alone.
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vinman31 Jan 2020
You are certainly not alone. I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation. Please feel free to reach out any time to vent or if you just want to talk. Everyone on here has been really helpful and understanding and supportive I am trying to be the same for anyone else dealing with this. Hang in there and thank you so much for the website.
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I have one simple question. Let's assume you made a promise to care for her. Well, did you ever hear of promises being broken in life by someone for some reason even though a promise was made. Sometimes circumstances and relationships with others change and then to keep that promise becomes almost impossible unless the one who made the promise is willing to give up and be destroyed in the process. Things happen and we cannot always see ahead. When things happen that do horrible harm to us and have a terrible impact on our lives, only a very stupid fool would still keep that promise. This woman does NOT deserve to be cared for by you and why are you allowing her to torment and abuse you. I don't think you can stop or change it. So make a stand and tell her enough is enough - she will be placed - away from you - AND DO IT AT ONCE. YOU DO NOT DESERVE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO YOU. There is no reason for a guilt trip - you did nothing wrong. She is the one who needs to be punished for her behavior and feel guilty, not you. Now go find place for her while you can still survive.
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rovana Jan 2020
Very wise words.  Actually I think these kinds of "promises" are basically not freely made by coerced by emotional blackmail and thus not valid at all.
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If your parent is a narcissist it will most likely get worse. Your promise to your father can be met be finding another caregiver. I am including a link to a video I found because my mother was severe narcissist and I grew up with no wants or feelings of my own and the belief that I was evil and "the world hated people like me". Distance makes a psuedo relation ship possible. Any time I visit awakens her need to use me as emotional food. If I do set boundaries, she becomes "a victim" who is so worried about her awful daughter. I see her do it with friends and family when they don't meet her expectations or needs. Here is a link I found helpful. You may have to copy or paste. If it is not allowed to post links I apologize and ask that admin notify me.

https://youtu.be/oK5aaIJWmWk
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vinman31 Jan 2020
Thank you for the video. I watched it just now and things that should be so obvious are still good to read and hear - such as not taking comments personally and realizing the bar is set too high so that nothing I do will matter. But more than anything else, the line that hits home most - and that I need to remind myself of more than anything - is that she will never change. I spent far too much time hoping that somehow she would. I realize now that she won’t of course, but it still helps to be reminded of that. Because it also reminds me that I’m the one who has to change. Thank you again.
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Taking care of your mother doesn't mean that you have to live with her, this is not a rational thought process, you, like everyone else... you need a life of your own, living with your mother will not allow this to happen.

These death bed promises are so ridiculous, as nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse and you are entitled to change your mind.
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I'm almost 47 dealing with exactly the same situation. I also feel like I've died and maybe this is really hell. If I leave she can't support herself, if I stay, I'll probably die of a broken heart. I sense that we are both loving and caring women. It's sad our lives turned into this. Fighting with her even as I write this. Ugh, I'm so sad and wish these kind of creatures didn't walk the earth. Just because they gave birth to us doesn't mean anything. My favorite grocery cashier gives me more love and compassion then my wretched mother. Sad. So sad.
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Daughterof1930 Jan 2020
I’m sorry for your pain and misery. I truly hope you’ll gather the courage to change your life. There’s no world where you are responsible for your mother financially, most especially a mother who isn’t capable of being kind to you. She absolutely will be taken care of if you choose to move away and make your own life. It may not be in the manner she’s come to expect or even demand, but she won’t be on the streets or in any danger. Life is too short to live as miserably as you describe but only you can change it. Your mother isn’t capable of change, except to get worse. The control of this lies with you, please don’t let fear, obligation, or guilt control your life. You’ve done your best for your mom, now do your best for you. I wish you the best
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First up, I had a bit of giggle at your reference to Livia Soprano. I absolutely adore the Sopranos. But yes , she was a toxic old bat and I'm deeply sorry that you have to endure such misery. I'm in my 50 also. and my father though not as bad, is still a nightmare in his own right. It upsets my husband terribly that I'm badly affected and that my siblings are treated like s**t.
So I'm extremely empathetic to you, who appears to be doing it much worse.
Be strong. I hope it will be over soon.
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I can totally relate to you; I just ordered a book by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers... and let me tell you Dr. McBride gets it! I recommend you pick it up and read it...

it will help with everything that you’re going through and will give you the hope and sanity you need, best of luck !
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vinman31 Oct 2019
Thank you - I greatly appreciate your reply and the recommendation. I hope the book helps you find peace of mind.
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Wow Me too!!!!!

Took me years to realise and its tough to get you're head around but the narc does not give a monkeys about you. I went through hell with my Dad - almost lost my wife and kids.....

Hes still the same. Some of the things he does defies belief. Its always about him and an idea hes got in his head.

This last week hes moaned my wife didn't phone him specially on his birthday. What? I don't specifically phone my MIL either. My wife hasn't seen him for 18 months due to the way hes treated her and I don't blame her. But apparently she should be more respectful and phone him.

Basically, admit hes in charge, and pay homage to him. Its all about control with him. Hes got to know he can control things and anyone.

Some of the things hes done to me in the past. If someone else did this you'd never speak to them again.
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MrsGumby1208 Nov 2019
My God, I'm sure you just described my father. It has taken me years to realise how totally narcissistic he is. He's always been.a control freak, but now with dementia in.the mix, these traits have manifested themselves to epic proportions. Now it's poor me, constant whinging and self pity.
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See my other answer below. As far as I am concerned, I don't care what you promise, not to God or to the devil. If circumstances and situations change and the promise you made is now negatively affecting you and your life, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CANCEL THAT PROMISE. If you keep a promise and you are being abused and made the most unhappy soul or being put into a dangerous bad situation, you have no choice but to make things happen so YOU are safe and protected and that means removing yourself from this person. You have no other choice. You are doing the ONLY right thing you can do.
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Motherhatesme Jan 2020
Im scared to do what I have to do. I'm 46 going on 12 because of this.
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How are u today vinman31 ? Hope some peace has come into ur situation...(we know how it is).
Do you think that we want to fix everything too much? (Or make everybody happy)? Maybe that's just me!
Did u & mom have a difficult relationship in ur childhood? (Excuse my curiosity).
I hope you will set goals for ur own happiness vinman31.
If it seems like you're giving up, it's okay to give up...the things that are driving u crazy😳. Take care.
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The dynamics between the two of you (and perhaps brother, too) have probably been established for years and apparently what she is doing works for her. You cannot expect to fix all of this overnight, but you might need to speak with a professional to help you learn how to react to her comments.

Since you are employed, she is either able to care for herself when you're at work or you have someone coming in to take care of her. Either way, find some activity outside of work that you enjoy and let her know you'll be out 1 evening a week to do that. Maybe she is in the house too much - could you take her to a place of her choice on one of your no work days. Make her select place to go so she can't say it was your fault if she didn't like it. If she has no desire to pick a place, don't go anywhere. At TV time, tell her you plan to watch XX show this evening and ask if she'd like to watch it too. YOU take remote during that show. If at any point she loses interest, then go to the other tv room and finish watching on your own....watch your movie from beginning to end.
-Get her involved in the grocery list..candy, whatever it is she wants. Then keep the list after shopping. When she complains, tell her it was not on the list and show her. - Have her start a new list w/the items she forgot last time.
-If she is on a roll about something, tell her how it makes you feel. If it won't stop, tell her you will be in another room until she can talk nicer to you.
-I don't know if you argue back with her, but if you do...you have to learn how to communicate differently. That's where a professional can help you learn new habits...suggestions of things to say in response...how to engage differently. You might even talk to your mom's dr. There are medications to help take the edge off and she may very well need something. -Baby steps to change what has been going on a long time...
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I have said it before and I am getting sick of having to say it again and again. In life there are situations and there are people, either or both, that are doing great harm to you by their very nature. Then YOU have a decision to make. YOU need to ask yourself if YOU deserve what is happening and being done to you? Have YOU tried to do al in your power to fix it and you know you can't fix it? Is it going to get better or will it get worse and continue to get worse? Then you will hopefully wake up and see the trees in the forest. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS NO MATTER BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY OR BECAUSE OF PROMISES, ETC. You do not deserve this and if that means eliminating the problem, then find a way to do it - no if's, and's or but's. If you don't, you are a fool and a weakling and I assure you that your life will be hell. If you want peace and a life, REMOVE THE OFFENDERS. There simply is no other way. Been there, done that - and it took guts and was the hardest thing I ever did - but it was a blessing to me that I would never have had. It was the right and only choice I could make and I thank God every day I finally had the guts to do this.
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my2cents Sep 2019
omg Riley. If someone doesn't follow your advice to kick someone to the curb - you're actually going to call them a weakling and a fool??? You may have really walked away from someone, but clearly there is much leftover anger.
Can't speak for others, but I come here to get ideas on how to approach issues (behavior and otherwise) from other people experiencing similar. It could be a professional needs to be called in to help undo a pattern of behavior that we didn't deal with in the very beginning. Sometimes there's a dementia issue and there is no fixing a broken mind, but someone may offer a better approach.
The very last thing I'd want in the way of input is for someone to call me a fool and a weakling if I didn't have the guts, as you put it, to walk away and say to H3LL with them. -- Bless your heart, as we say in the South.
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It is amazing how many people are dealing with a dysfunctional family and/or abusive parent(s). We are all in the same boat so to speak. My nightmare is my 95 yo father who is and always has been a full spectrum toxic Narcissist with paranoid delusions and possibly ASPD as well. My mother was a codependent, enabling martyr. He treated her like crap for 64 years. The long term stress gave her a heart condition (A Fib) and last Thanksgiving she had a massive stroke and died at 89. I blame him for turning her into a bitter, judgmental, depressed old woman. Although he smoked for over 60 years and has COPD and emphysema, he managed to outlive her, and now I'm stuck with his narc abuse w/o her as a buffer.
I had made it clear from the get-go that being a hands on primary caregiver in their old age was not an option. (I never had kids and I am disabled for PTSD.)
Last summer I had to move them from independent living to Assisted Living and also became DPOA as Mom was losing memory rapidly. It's a beautiful facility with open restaurant style dining, etc and all they did was complain about everything. It's exhausting. I cut back on visiting as I couldn't take it - my anxiety was through the roof and BP was over 200!
Now, he just gets more mean and nasty the older he gets. When he can't do whatever he wants or get his way, he is horribly rude and obnoxious. I am so afraid of getting the phone call that they will kick him out.
I am the oldest of 3 and have always been the scapegoat and my 2 useless brothers conveniently live 1100 miles away. They were the Golden Child, especially the youngest, could do no wrong. I don't even get moral support from him. I am now very low contact with Nfather as I can't stand to be in the same room with him. For the past several years, his big thing has been that everyone (staff, doctors, hospitals, rehab, etc) all treat him like a sex offender due to a revenge plot by someone he used to know years ago spreading rumors about him. He also goes around telling any one who will listen that he he is a Holocaust Survivor. Um... he'd never been to a concentration camp and is not even Jewish! A life time of lies, no regard for anyone else's feelings, verbal abuse. I lost all respect for the man years ago and I have no love left for him either. He will die alone and will have brought it all onto himself with his deplorable behavior. I have no guilt; I did my best. He is in a safe place, cared for by professionals. I make sure bills are paid and manage all financial affairs as I am the sole trustee and executrix. I have lost the best years of my retirement and am trying to focus on my own health issues from all the stress. Had to go off my PTSD meds in January as I have liver damage. My goal is to not let him kill me too.
We can't make it better, we can't fix them or make them happy. Get out as soon as you can. Save yourself. Karma has no menu. We get served what we deserve. I just keep telling myself "Not my circus, not my flying monkeys, not my problem." Sorry my venting got carried away. No one deserves to be abused or treated badly by a toxic parent. I hope you can salvage what is left of your life. Best of luck and a big hug.
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care4dad Sep 2019
Your rant was perfect for this site! We cannot care for others if belittling and abuse is being dished out. So sorry you are not appreciated or have support, but glad you've found what works. Hope you find strength to carry on.
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My heart goes out.....I began care taking my father in 2012 and moved onto my mom in 2013, after he passed at 94. If I ever thought my dad was difficult, I was mistaken. My mother, who passed in Dec 2018 at 94, became almost unbearable with many similarities as yours in action, speech, & attitude. There were times I refused to go see her (she lived in AL). Finally I saw a therapist who advised me that what I was experiencing was indeed abuse and did not have to take it. When it would happen I would tell her I loved her but would not engage.....then I'd leave her apartment. While I realize you promised your dad you'd care for her, that does not mean you have to live together. If you have not other choice, , then arrange for hired care help, to come in so you do not shoulder it all. I wish I could say I never yelled at her or walked away angry, but I tried. We are all only human. Yet you are not responsible for your mom to the detriment of your own life. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want that to happen either. I do respect your efforts, and you can rest assured you should experience no guilt when she's gone. There will come a day, I believe, you'll be one of those wishing for another conversation. Until then, however, you must protect yourself and do not wait for her death to begin your life! What a friend told me proved true - with time the bad memories fade and are replaced with some of the good ones. How I doubted that I would experience that as I spent years with only her negativity and complaining - and all was my fault of course!! Now I can see more clearly how becoming dependent and having little control over her life created the monster I thought she was. And how I miss her now! Read the book 36 Hours - it brought so much insight into the brain. Good luck to you....you have many prayers!
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you for your reply and for your kind, helpful words. And thank you for your prayers. I will check out the book as well. Greatly appreciated.
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You are not alone. My 85 year old FIL lives with us. I have no privacy anymore. I cannot go downstairs in the morning for a cup of coffee without him coming out and telling me something about himself. He’s very self centered. And he doesn’t do anything around the house because he can’t lift things. He gets his own cereal in the morning and of course leaves me his dishes. I could go on and on about him but I really just try to accept my circumstances. I don’t really like him as a person because that’s my husbands father. My husbands two siblings will have nothing to do with him. Anyway I didn’t imagine my life like this when kids were out of house. We literally had a few months of being empty nesters. So I’m looking forward to buying a home with an in law suite so hopefully that will give us a little more privacy. I doubt it but hopeful. Good luck to you. You must have the patience of a saint.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you for your helpful reply. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you the very best in finding a place where you can have some well-deserved privacy.
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I am not sure, you are not alone though. My mother is 93 recently fell and broke her hip. She fits the description you just posted. I feel ya.i broke down in tears today, she said nothing to me nor was a support to me. Mom and dad separated when I was about 9 dad gained custody, mom has never really fit the description. To be honest I never really knew my mother until she could no longer live by herself. No one else wanted to step up to the plate, I did and I now get treated terrible by her. She is in a grandiose state of mind. I know it is not her fault but.... there is a book called 36 hours, someone mentioned this book to me. I have not purchased it yet, but do intend to. Keep up the good work in keeping your promise to your father. He would be very proud of you!
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
The OPs father would also be very proud of him if he chose to place his mother in a lovely Assisted Living apartment and care for her from there, by being POA and orchestrating ALL of her care and needs which also constitutes "keeping his promise". There are many ways to care for elderly loved ones without destroying our own lives in the process, as I'm sure you know.
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vinman: You're welcome.
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Every other sentence here you change. Did you notice that? Go back and read your last paragraphs. One will complain of the aunt quite bitterly and the next sentence will show great sympathy for her and what she is going through. And back and forth and back and forth.
It is very difficult to live with anyone, in all truth. Roommates, husbands, children. You name em, we can fight with em. My brother and I laugh about his Assisted Living often looking like a hippie commune for the fights and the divisions and the sides and the community meetings. It is hard.
I noticed when I used to keep diaries that I only journaled when I was peeved. Made it look as though my life was miserable.
About my only idea is to do the GRAY ROCK. Or answer always gently. And be certain that there are territories for retreat for BOTH of you. Her room is off limits to you. Yours is off limits to her. And you retreat there to replenish yourself in your "room of one's own".
You do not mention the degree that dementia is involved in all this. The more it IS involved the more hopeless any actions will be for making change, and in the end, sounding the bugles for retreat is sometimes the only way. Good luck. Do look up gray rock. It can be a help.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
Alva, who are you talking to?
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My dear friend,
You need to SIMPLY find your voice.
Stop, stop it all, stop now.
Give it right back.
Who, is at who’s mercy?
Not one thing you said, I haven’t experienced.
BUT......I started fighting back and told the truth about the selfish behavior.
We have spent MANY HOURS INCOMMUDICADO!!!!
I feel better!!!!!!
Don’t care!!!!
STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!!!
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You are your own person...you are not your father.  Your father committed to taking care of her "till death do us part"...you didn't.  She needs to be in a facility where she can meet others and do activities that are age appropriate.  Do not feel guilty.  You might be surprised how well she does being around others that are her age and in her stage of life.  She is probably lonely and miserable and a bit self absorbed...I mean really, what else does she have to do.  She might do really well in assisted living.  Think about it...you could have your life back and she could have new friends while still getting the assistance that she needs.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
You are so right about that. My mother has flourished in Assisted Living.....shes always been social and AL is her outlet for all that. She gets to show off new outfits, share stories, listen to entertainment...the list is endless. Many people paint a picture of AL being a horror story when in reality, if you choose the right one, it's summer camp for the geriatric crowd.
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Vinman you are all of us! I believe your father did not truly understand what he was asking of you and if he knew what would happen, would not want you to sacrifice your own life for anyone. I don’t know why some older people are so selfish; my mother is selfish too. She lived her life and retirement, now she wants me to give up mine just for her. I said no...and moved her to a retirement community that is attached to a LTC home. I’m also in my 50’s and I plan to downsize and travel while I still can. Among other things. and I don’t care what she or anyone has to say. Be strong, and take control back. Am I understanding you have been doing this since the age of 25? And you have given up relationshiops since she is so nasty to others? Why are you sacrificing? You do not have to live like you are. That’s not even living... Best wishes, keep us posted.
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